April Apathy Must DIE!

***Warning: The following article has absolutely zero value; journalistic, educational, social, or otherwise. If you have no sense of humor, stop reading now, because it is doubtful that you will develop one during the course of this article. Also be warned, if you laugh at anything contained herein, you are going straight to Hell. I'll save you a seat.***

It's the middle of April. All but a handful of Spring Games are left, leaving us void of college football to banter about until two-a-days crank up in late July. This is when a horrible thing creeps up on us all: April Apathy...and no, April Apathy is not an emotionally detached day-shift stripper.

It's that time of year where the blood sucking IRS collects your hard earned money to give to the irresponsible spenders in Washington, DC. It sucks the very marrow from your soul, a few folks bite down on the barrel of a gun, but for the majority of us that have to pay the Illegal Racketeering Service, it dulls our senses to other things that would normally make us enraged. For those of you who get a return (you know, the money...YOUR money that the government uses all year long, interest free, and then gives you a portion of it back and dupes you into believing that it is "free money"), you are too blissful buying your 62 inch mega TV to care about those very same things that would normally provoke you to commit an act of violence on a kitten.

Well, if you folks aren't going to get fired up, then Good Ol Uncle Greek is going to get fired up for you. First, let's get this out of the way, because it is long over due, and some of you may have a wager on this...

What do you call a 16 year old Asian boy with a prolapsed anus and an abacus?

Gary Glitter's calculator...

There, I am off the wagon and on the warpath. People have just been pissing me off left and right lately...and amazingly enough it hasn't been friends or family members. Just some random schmucks that really got my attention. The more I thought about it, the more I see it as an epidemic of Biblical proportions and it needs to be stopped. So, since The Greek hasn't had a "list" in a few months, I thought I'd do one on the 10 groups of people the rest of us would be better off without.

 
Blue Haired Take Forever In Line Scratch-off/Lottery Junkie : Yes...you old, crotchety schmucks that hold the rest of the working world up at the convenience store. All we are trying to do is get our nicotine and caffeine fix so we can make it through our hellish, blue collar day, and possibly to grab a Slurpee straw so we can down the gator tail of blow we have stretched out on a CD case...and we get stuck behind YOU. You have more charts and papers than fucking Magellan and they are always organized with the efficiency of our own federal government, which helps explain why it takes you so fucking long in line. It's not bad enough that you play 900 different sequences of numbers (usually dates of things...ranging from the day they saw their first horseless carriage to the day they last had coitus), what really kills us is when you scour the scratch-off selections like a freaking crime scene investigator. Just pick one for crying out loud. They are all made for suckers like you. What really pisses me off is that you have the poor, barely English speaking clerk to run everyone of your scratch off and lotto tickets through the machine....even the losing tickets. You know they lost, asshole...speed things up and just turn in the winners. Oh, and thanks for spending the money I am paying into Social Security on GAMBLING, yet continuing to vote against pot, prostitution, and me being able to see a fully naked woman with an adult beverage in my hand. Dicks.

 
Parents of Unruly Children in Restaurants that are obviously deaf, mute, and blind : Yes you. You lousy douche-bags. You may have developed the defense mechanism to tune out your obnoxiously loud and ill mannered demon-spawn, but we haven't. Believe it or not, it takes a lot for The Greek to want to commit an act of violence on a child, but seriously, I have been close to vivisecting your precious little larva with my cocktail fork quite a few times. Now, how about preventing junior from becoming a future social pariah and teaching him/her/it how to behave like a human being instead of a freaking rabid animal? No wonder Applebees and Olive Garden loaded up those kids drinks with booze...

  
Over The Top Loud Swishy Super Fem Gay Guy : Ok. I get it. The Greek has come a long way in his views of you folks. You have every right to be married and just as fucking miserable as us heterosexuals...or "breeders" as they call us. That doesn't mean I want my senses assaulted by you. I don't want you to swish into a room and make me feel like I could light my cigarette off of you. I don't want to hear you before I can see you. Stop smoking clove cigarettes and choose another scent aside from burnt ass/patchouli/and Aspen. And for the love of God and all that is Holy...when you are talking about your sex life...especially in a restaurant...take it down a notch...I am trying to eat my hot lava cake and Lance and Blaine are at the next table talking about catheters, shrimping, snowballing, felching, and enemas. Damn it guys! I don't care if you want to shove an epileptic anaconda up your dinner dumpster while wearing a french maid costume and a Richard Nixon mask while your lover, dressed like  Liza, of course, fellates you with pop rocks while servicing himself with shop vac and a pipe wrench. Whatever blows your skirt up...but don't talk about it at the dinner table.

 
Parking Etiquette Violator-The Door Dinger : I was going to suggest torture as a punishment to those selfish pricks that take up two spaces with their car. Then, after speaking to a dear friend who did the very same practice, it dawned on me that the blame may be misplaced. "I do it because of the fucking retards that can't gauge the safe distance in opening the doors of their pieces of shit to leave dings and dents in my nice ride." The Greek apologizes. What is wrong with these door dingers? Their depth perception must be just horrible. For dudes with this disorder, their poor girlfriend's/wife's inner thighs must be beaten and battered worse than a Giants fan at a Dodger game. For the broads, it's amazing they can see to drive and haven't blown out an ocular cavity while attempting to blow their man. These people need to go...for the safety of doors, eyes, and thighs everywhere and for freeing up parking spaces.

 
The "Please tell me why you are famous again?" People : The first person that comes to mind that fits this category is Perez Hilton. How in the Hell did this bad dressing, ill mannered, fruit cup become worth two shits? A gay dude with a bad hair cut gossiping about people he really doesn't know is not unique. Now, I know it may seem that The Greek is making runs at homosexuals in this article, but I am honestly not. I mean, I love me some Elton John, Freddy Mercuray, and the legendary Rob Halford...but let's be real here for a minute...Perez Hilton is really a worthless piece of excrement. The Kardashian Brothel of Bimbos is another bunch of folks that I cannot figure out for the life of me why anyone would be interested in anything these skanks say or do. Kim banged Reggie Bush...and Klhoe (yes...fuck your little over-privileged accent over your "o") is enjoying her marital scraping from Lamar Odom...which means those two gals' labia probably resemble a cross between a flat tractor tire and the floppy skin between a flying squirrels appendages.

 
Sweaty Stank Foreign Theme Park Tourist : (This is cultural...not a racist deal. So, please, save your bigot hate emails for my next special "The Fight For State Rights: The War of Northern Aggression") God bless your souls, it's a cultural difference and not really your fault. It's as if deodorant is your kryptonite or taboo in your country. Maybe a little Speed Stick and stop eating parts of animals that rednecks and vultures won't even eat. That right there probably adds to the problem. But DAMN the smell is crippling...like a cross between John Wayne Gacy's crawlspace and the bio-hazard disposal bin at burn ward. I always seem to get stuck behind them after a brief, mid afternoon rain storm that doesn't cool anything off yet perpetuates the already stifling humidity. Because of the rain, the ride has to wait until the shower has passed to operate again, and the feeble attempt at any type of "air conditioning" only makes the humid damp air swirl around you. Then the smell hits you. Within seconds it clings to your skin, saturates your clothing, and even coats your mouth...it's so bad that vomiting in your mouth and swallowing is not too bad of an option to remove the taste from your mouth. I could go further...but I'll spare you.

 
Friend's Manipulating Emasculating Frigid Ice Queen Wife/Girlfriend : These broads are in desperate need of a Class Five Cooter Punch. These are the chicks that despise the fact that their men actually have friends. How dare they actually have interests that don't revolve around these twats. They withhold sex to get their way. They look down their noses at their man's friends, and they never pass on an opportunity to emasculate their beloved in front of his friends, family, and co-workers. These are the "women" that make their husband go and buy them tampons just to show their dominance...all the while the man is secretly hoping she will actually bleed to death before he gets back with them. Hell, with as infrequent as their labia is splayed apart, it's amazing that anything can escape it. It's like a quantum singularity wrapped in granny-panties (because you know damned well these frigid life support systems for a pooswah would never wear sexy underwear...that may actually make their man happy...and they just can't have that happen!) To the men that tolerate this, I do not feel the least bit sorry for you. No piece of ass, alimony, or child support is worth putting up with that nonsense. As for these "women"...your father's should have pulled out.

  
It's Just A Shirt/Hat Doucher : These people need to have their heads split open with the heel of a hobnail boot! These are the assholes that you see in a store, lobby of a hotel, restaurant or what have you. They are sporting a hat or shirt of either your favorite team or hated rival. You have a brief moment of elation because of the distinct possibility of engaging this individual in a sports oriented conversation...especially when you are in the bowels of late spring and early summer with no college football on the horizon for months. Your potential happiness is shattered when these fashion retarded folks respond with "Aw...it's only a hat/shirt. I don't pay attention to any of it." Really? Then why in the hell are you even in possession of such an item? Good news is you can prevent this whole situation when you see someone wearing a Miami Hurricanes hat or shirt. They barely put fans in the seats, so it is safe to assume that the ones wearing Hurricanes gear are either wearing it because they are "gangsta" or they are freakin' color blind.

 
Animal Rights Extremist: And quite honestly...these folks could be considered terrorists. These are the folks that throw paint on poor ladies' $5k furs. These are the same idiots that refer to cats and dogs as fur people. These are the assholes that will get in a boat and circle around yours to prevent you from catching fish (yes, this has actually happened and The Greek decided to throw two ounce weights at them and then finally, when that did not deter these assholes, I fired off a flare at their boat, which almost got the Greek a felony...but it was funny as hell to see the looks on those retarded folks faces as a cartridge of scalding phosphorus shot across their bow.) First of all, we are supposed to eat meat. That's the way we were designed by our maker. Those pointy teeth that most of you possess (expect you people from West Virginia)...those are made for eating MEAT. I would love nothing more than to chain these people up, pry their eyeballs open a la A Clockwork Orange, and force them to watch me eat a nice piece of veal while wearing a harbor seal fur coat.

 
The NCAA : Do I need to elaborate? This "Association" is the more useless than tits on a bull. Never has their been a governing body so detached, unorganized, inconsistent, and irresponsible this side of our Federal Government. The NCAA could go away and us college football fans would never know the difference. I know, I hear it now "But who would stop programs from cheating?" The answer is simple...who's stopping them now? The NCAA makes a big deal about uniforms and politically correct team mascots, yet, when the evidence of a program is in their face...cheating...it takes them 5 years to release their findings...and dish out penalties...and even then...they get it wrong (See USC, Ohio State, and Auburn for good measure.) The NCAA needs to go away...just like the rest of these folks mentioned this week.

And a VERY special NST10 KUDOS to North Dakota Governor Jack Dalrymple and the North Dakota Legislature. The lawmakers drew up a bill and Dalrymple secretly signed it into law, which will now prevent the NCAA from not only forcing UND to change their nickname and mascot from "Fighting Souix", but also prevent the NCAA from denying UND the right to host playoff games and/or having televised home games. This is awesome. We as a society are pretty much a bunch of whiny, politically correct bitches...and this move just warms my heart. Get the message NCAA...leave the fucking nicknames and mascots alone and police the CHEATERS that are right in front of your face.

Until next time folks...stay safe and enjoy life to the fullest!

HAPPY EASTER FROM THE NOT SO TOP 10!




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