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The Malady of March Madness
The Malady of March Madness
Ever
wanted to "unsee" something. Something so horrid that one would want to
remove their eyeballs with cocktail forks and dip them in bleach. Two
Girls One Cup comes to mind, as does the infamous Jarsquatter.com. (I'm
not even providing a link to that one folks...just ain't gonna do it.)
Monday Night's Alleged NCAA Basketball National Championship Game was
the Blue Waffle of all sporting events...ever. There are things found in
the bio-hazard disposal bin of an abortion clinic that would be more
appealing to look at that the atrocity that was the Final Four Finale.
If I had the choice to show John Wooden either this game or Two Girls
One Cup on his death bed, he'd be seeing chicks deucing in a glass like a
twisty treat machine. That's how bad it was.
First of all...um...fellas...try playing basketball in a place made for
basketball...not a fucking football stadium. It's damned ridiculous. You
don't see the NHL flooding Lambeau Field to play the Stanley Cup Finals
do you? Why? It makes no fucking sense! Neither does having AD's on the
selection committee. I am surprised CBS gets to cover it and not
Fox...I mean "Fair and Balanced" and all.
That
brings me to the broadcast. Usually I'd rather drive a 16 penny nail
into my ear drum than listen to Jim Nantz. I normally refer to him as
"Douche with a Mic". His holier than thou bullshit attitude and his
stance on Tiger Woods' monumental infidelity kind of sealed that
nickname for him with the adhesive power of dried semen. Tonight, I
applauded him. His shredding of Butler in the 2nd half for their meager
efforts was the most entertaining moments of the entire game. Thank you
Jim! For once not being a total boot-licker and telling it like it was.
Thank for not saying "the emperor has no clothes" and instead saying
"Look! That bitch is buck-ass naked!"
How have the skills in the game declined so much when the athletes are
better fed, better supplements, and better training. These kids have a
basketball in their hands by age 6, and yet we get this garbage on
Monday night? John Wooden's teams would have crushed either of these two
phonies by 50. Bobby Knight would not have even had to raise his voice
nary a decibel to crown these court clowns by 20. Tark would have barely
gotten the towel damp to beat these impostors.
I
would like to take a run at Jim Calhoun and how he is bad for the game.
But there comes a time when you have to recognize that sometimes
there's someone out there that can just sum it up better than you. So, I'll leave it up to the Greek's good buddy TeddyDupay to tell you bluntly how he feels about Jim Calhoun. So we'll get back to what we witnessed tonight.
We saw the death throws of the Butler program. They're done. Ask the
Buffalo Bills fans how that franchise is doing after being battered like
Amy Winehouse's cervix four straight years in the Super Bowl. The
window has slammed shut on Butler. Color Brad Stevens gone. He seems
like a smart guy, unlike his counterpart Shaka Smart, who should change
his name after turning down NC State's job offer. VCU is like George
Mason, they won't be back to the Final Four...ever. Back to Stevens,
he's done all he can do at Butler. The stars won't align like that
again, and after the terrible display his team put forth on Monday
night, he better HOPE a program like NC State comes calling.
18.8%! 18 points fucking 8 percent! That's what Butler shot for the game. Here are some things that are greater than 18.8%:
Your interest rate on your Capital One card if you are late on just one payment
The chance that Michael Jackson did not diddle those kids
The percentage of hate-mail I receive that is actually well thought out, with proper spelling, grammar, and punctuation
The chance that Lindsay Lohan does not serve any jail time for allegedly stealing that necklace
The percentage of women Roberto Alomar slept with that now have AIDS
The possibility that Magic Johnson NEVER had AIDS
The tooth to mouth ratio in West Virginia
The chance that Cam Newton knew nothing of his Daddy pimping out his playing skills
Michael Moore's blood/cholesterol content level
The total percentage of minutes over the course of the entire tournament that the officials actually called the game properly
Butler went
13 minutes and 26 seconds of the 2nd half with only 1 field goal.
Watching the Bulldogs shoot the ball was more frustrating than playing
charades with Stevie Wonder, Password with Mike Tyson, or Operation with
Michael J. Fox.
All
I can say is that I am glad that global embarrassment is over (no, I'm
not talking about Obama's Administration). Now we can focus on Spring
Football, College Baseball, the NHL playoffs, and some MLB. Not to
mention all the excitement of the NFL Draft and the 2011
sea...er...um...well...hold that last thought. In closing, I hope to win
the lottery very soon, before Stephen Hawking passes. I'd pay anything
to hear him say "Stop the humanoid! Stop the intruder!
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