|
|
|
Can it get any worse? YOU BET!
Can It Get ANY Worse? You Bet!
Ever
had one of those days? I am sure you have. You know the kind of day I
am talking about. Wake up late for work, no milk for your coffee, car
won't start, you're hungover, and the wife won't quit bitching about you
coming home with glitter on your shirt and smelling of stripper sweat.
My bad days were a bit different...they started the evening before when
I'd realize I left the chloroform and zip ties at home and would
actually have to pay for the hooker AND use a condom. Then I'd swallow 3
Oxycontin 60mg, start feeling good and forgetting about my error with
the hooker, pop a few more, then projectile vomit the $80 worth of
pharmaceuticals like semen out of Rod Stewart's stomach. Then there's
the morning...the brief moment of panic when you look over at your
"date" and wonder how you are going to dispose of her. You go to take
the last swig out of the bottle of Jack...only to find out that skank
put her cigarette out in it. By the look on your faces...I can
tell...you've been there.
That's
about the time you look up to the sky and say "Ok God, got any more
shit you want to pile up on me. Any other wonderful fucking surprises
you have up there that you could possible cram up my ass? Can things get
ANY worse?"
Don't ask. The moment you do is just about the time God serves up a super sized shit sandwich with an extra side of fuck you.
Poor LeBron. He was on top of the world, taking his talents to South
Beach. He gets there and dubs himself, D-Wade, and Chris Bosh "The
Heattles". They get off to a rough start. They right the ship for a
while, but are now in the throws of a death spiral that looks like it
will end with a first round exit in the playoffs. They get swept by the
Bulls, the Heats 4th loss in a row. The team cries in the locker room,
the media was all over their asses. Even Phil Jackson said "Big boys
don't cry."
Good thing LeBron did not look up and utter those infamous words. Here's his shit sandwich:
The
Heat promptly lose their 5th game in a row, this time...at home...vs
Portland, where the Trail Blazers bench out scored the Heats "people who
get a paycheck for sucking and get free uniforms and warm up gear they
hardly ever need"...er...bench 41-8. Chris Bosh opens his mouth after
the game, basically saying he needs the ball more.
HAD LeBron looked up and asked that infamous question...not only would
Portland still have beaten the Heat and Bosh whine about not getting the
ball...LeBron would have received the following phone call:
LJ: Hello
Gloria: Hey son. I know you must be feeling just
terrible right now, and I want you to know that your mother still loves
you and supports you no matter what. All those people are just "haters',
son.
LJ: I know mom. Thanks
Gloria: I know this is probably not the best time to give you this news. But being my son, I think you should be the first to know.
LJ: Oh God.
Gloria: Well...you know about me and Delonte. Well, he
asked and I accepted. Now, don't worry son. We don't expect you to call
him "Dad" right away. Delonte said you can ease into it. Huh, unlike he
did with me...know what I mean son (muffled squealing and snickering
with carnal joy).
LJ: Please...no. C'mon mom.
Gloria: Well...there's another thing. You know how you
like to do the big brother thing in the community. Well, Delonte and I
have decided that we are going to let you be a big brother for REAL! I
am already 3 months pregnant, and we already have a name picked out.
LJ: Dear God...No....
Gloria: We are going to call him "LeBronte" Aren't you excited?!
LJ: Maybe I could go play in Greece.
Gloria: Now LeBron...I am your mother...show me
respect! Don't get mad just because Delonte is a stronger "finisher"
than you. Now, I'm gonna go. Delonte is taking me out to Sizzler to
celebrate. He said we're gonna use your card, because with the way you
are playing, we'd better spend it quick.
Dial tone...
Quickly, is it just me or does Delonte West look like Dennis Johnson(RIP) and Sandra Bernhard's love child?
See, all you have to do is provoke the Big Man Upstairs a little, and He
will make sure the giant schlong of karma will come play Roto-rooter
with your sphincter.
Ohio
State fans...this current Jim Tressel situation is all on you. Yup, I
said it. It's all your damned fault. You are probably scratching your
head thinking "what the hell is this moron saying?"
I'll tell you...you asked the question. I heard you. It was one gigantic
voice of agony, disdain, and contempt...all in unison...all at one
crucial point.
Need a refresher?
Late in the 4th quarter of the Sugar Bowl. Arkansas blocked the punt and
was on the doorstep to win the game. Every last one of your assholes
snapped shut. You looked to the sky, tears in your eyes...tears of
frustration, sadness, and disgust. You did it right then and there...you
said "Fuck me. How else can You rip our hearts out and stomp on our
guts God?!?!"
He
was coy. He waited. He even made you feel good. You won! You finally
beat an SEC team...IN A BOWL GAME. Life was good. Heck, you even snagged
a few recruits from Florida and had a wonderful recruiting class.
Things were still looking good, as the Tat 5 were only going to miss one
important game...against Miami on the road. But hell, even that was
ok...even if they DID have Al Golden stalking the sidelines. (I'll give
you a minute to stop laughing and compose yourself.)
Now, here comes your shit sandwich:
Jim Tressel is human. He's imperfect. The Sweater Vests he wears are not
made of teflon. He lied. Not once, but twice. While you Buckeyes were
stumbling over yourselves to get in line in December to pat your coach
on the back for turning in his players and making them promise to return
to face their penalties, Ol Jimbo was lying to you, the Ohio State
University, and the NCAA.
No worries, you guys have something positive to pull from this. You
tried so hard for so many years to beat the SEC, now, with Jim Tressel's
transgressions, you are a welcomed brother in the fraternity that is
the SEC.
One more thing I want to touch on before I let you fine folks return to
your regularly scheduled torturous off season...self reporting...or more
effectively...self imposed punishment.
I
don't get it. It doesn't sit very well for us common folks. Sure, 2
games and $250,000 sounds bad...but if we lied to our bosses, we'd be
shit canned. Self imposed punishment is ridiculous. What if John Wayne
Gacy said "Yeah, I'm awfully sorry about killing all them young queers
and stuffing them in the crawlspace beneath my house. I think I'll self
impose my punishment...no desert for a week."
Self reporting needs to stop. I say fuck the NCAA. Make those bastards
work, don't do it for them. If you fuck up...let them do the work to
find it. It'll be 5 years before they do anything about it...and with
the appeals process...you can drag it out even longer.
Well, you folks take it easy until next time. I know have been
threatening to have a few guests on here and do a Not So Top 10 Coaches,
and it's coming soon, its just frustrating that some of our favorites
have been fired.
See you next time folks!
Want to let the Greek have it? Comment On The Not So Top 10 Feedback
Send ALL hate mail to jpthegreek@gmail.com
COMMENTS
Currently, there are no comments. Be the first to post one!
Click here to post a comment