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Charlie Sheen is MY Rocket Queen
Charlie Sheen is MY Rocket Queen
"I've seen everything imaginable pass before these eyes; I've had
anything that's tangible, honey, you'd be surprised" - Rocket Queen by
Guns N Roses
It's been about 30 days since I penned my last column, and there has
been an incredible amount of crazy shit going on that needs to be
addressed in only the way The Greek can. Let's face it, the sports world
has been deader than your dick after an all night coke bender. You
could pound on that flaccid flesh windsock with a sledgehammer and you
wouldn't feel it. Remember kiddies, pharmaceuticals make you a porn
star, harder than Chinese arithmetic with the staying power of Donald
Rumsfeld...coke makes you look like a 70 year old drug addict.
Speaking
of drug addicts...God bless Charlie Sheen. There, I said it. God bless
him. I love good old fashioned honesty rather than the politically
correct hand job most folks like to dole out. Chuck was recently on the
Dan Patrick Show (twice actually) giving his side of the story and
offering Lindsay Lohan some advice. More on that in a minute.
First, for those criticizing Dan Patrick for actually allowing Charlie
to be candid instead of admonishing him and sucking off the morale
majority, kiss his, mine, and Charlie's asses. Dan, you keep doing what
you do, screw the critics.
Back to Charlie. How can you be upset and pissed off at this guy? You
want honesty...how about "Sobriety was boring"? You know he's right. The
same people that condemn him for doing drugs are the same folks who
count down the minutes until Happy Hour on a daily basis. These are the
same folks who are appalled at Charlie because "he's a role model" and
people look up to him. Really? No...he's an actor...and it is perfectly
ok for him to get high. He's not driving my kid to school. He's not
performing surgery or splitting an atom. He's pretending to be someone
else and making a shit load of money...he should be as high as he needs
to be. Role model? Get the fuck out of here. He's not a soldier,
policeman, doctor, fireman, teacher, etc. He's not a role model.
And
who better than Charlie Sheen to give advice to Lindsay Lohan? Charlie
isn't a failure. Hell, he pandered a drug addiction into a multi million
dollar TV contract. That's fucking genius in my book.
"Work on your impulse control." No truer words have been spoken. The
only thing that separates us from the animal world is our use of cutlery
and the ability to control our sexual urges. I am still working on one
of them.
So, as it stands now, the celebrities The Greek would most like to party with:
1. Charlie Sheen
2. Robert Downey Jr
The rest are dead (Farley, Belushi, Morrison, Leary...etc)
But this is supposed to be a sports column instead of some perverse
version of Entertainment Tonight, so let me drop in a little sports:
Is
it me, or does Indiana basketball resemble something you'd find
dangling on the end of a rusty coat hanger in some back alley in Ft.
Wayne pre Roe vs Wade? 3-10 in conference play? What the hell? The AD
should blow Bobby Knight so much to get him to come back that Fred would
need to grow a mustache to hide the stretchmarks. I guess Kelvin
Sampson is to IU basketball as Harvey Updyke Jr is to old ass oak trees.
From the "do you know who I am?" Files:
Fresh
off of his .328/38 homerun season, Miguel Cabrera was getting ready for
the 2011 season. He was ready for spring training, his car wasn't.
Cabrera was spotted by a deputy in a car with a smoking engine alongside
a road in Fort Pierce. Inside the vehicle, Cabrera smelled of
alcohol, had slurred speech and took a swig from a bottle of
scotch in front of a deputy, according to the St. Lucie County
Sheriff's Office. He refused to cooperate and more deputies were
called to the scene.
First, Miguel was very defensible up until the point he hit the handle
of Dewar's in front of the cops. I mean, slurred speech? Have you ever
heard an interview with Miguel? The defense rests.
What's even sadder...Miguel pulled the obligatory "Do you know who I
am?" Dude, you are 110 miles southeast of where you were hanging out for
the Tigers' spring training. No one gives two shits about the Tigers
down in Ft. Pierce, and to the St. Lucie Sheriff's Deputy he was just
another drunk Latino in a piece of shit luxury car. He wasn't going to
get a fair shake down there with those 'necks to begin with, but being
drunker than Liza Minnelli at breakfast behind the wheel of car...it's
not gonna end well.
Now,
the NFL (No Fan Love) and the CBA (Crying Billionaire Assholes): if you
honestly think that both sides getting an outside mediation group to
oversee a week long schedule of talks is a positive thing, you've either
been drinking with Miguel Cabrera, or you are like the old people you
see on the news getting scammed out of their life savings. "We were
skeptical at first. We wondered why he wanted us to make out the check
to 'cash', because we have been burned 27 times before, but he was so
likable, we thought 'cash' was just a nickname." Yes, the lockout is
coming...you need to look no further than the new coaching hires over
the last few months. Jason Garrett in Dallas, Leslie Frazier in
Minnesota, Mike Munchak in Tennessee, Hue Jackson in
Oakland...yes...these guys scream "cornerstones of building a dominant
franchise for the upcoming season." That's like the D-List of football
coaches. To compare, a comparable list of NFL quarterbacks would be Ryan
Leaf, Babe Laufenberg, Every Dolphin QB since Marino retired, and Rick
Mirer.
Well, that's all for this week, with one last passing word for Billy Ray
Cyrus. Don't be too hard on yourself. Miley never ended up covered in
semen and strangled with her own tights. That makes you a way better
parent than some other moron who put their daughter in a wig and tons of
make up and paraded her around...namely John and Patsy.
Peace folks...
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