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NST 10 In a Plain Brown Wrapper
NST10 In a Plain Brown Wrapper
Yup,
that's how porn is delivered to your home, in a discrete plain brown
wrapper. It's also billed on your credit card as "Premium Cinema
Entertainment"...or so I have heard. So, consider this edition of the
Not So Top 10 being delivered to your home in a plain brown wrapper and
billed as Premier Cinema Entertainment. If porn or the description of
porn disturbs you, or the fact that my poor wife voluntarily has sex
with me makes you ill, please: DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER!
You've been warned.
So,
The Greek and Mrs. Greek from time to time enjoy shopping at our
favorite Adult Store (Fairvilla Video in Orlando). It's funny when you
walk in there, because you can tell the 1st timers from the veterans
right away. The giggling and the snickering give it a way if the gasping
and the blushing doesn't. So there we were, cruising the clothing and
costumes floor, when Mrs. Greek says "Hey, we haven't added to our movie
collection in quite sometime. You want to look at a few?"
Fellas...whenever a chick voluntarily mentions porn, strike while the iron is hot. Period.
So,
happily we tread over to the for sale movies. They have a whole wall
dedicated to vintage porn. Now, the thing about vintage porn, it's a
risky business. You remember seeing them back when you were young,
remembering how much they turned your screws, and your head is filled
with fond memories. But I have found that, even though the idea of
seeing John Holmes give Marylin Chambers a fleshy colonoscopy is full of
win, many times these films are turn offs, especially when the
actresses' vajajays look like Ron Jeremy's chest and anal bleaching
technology was still some years away. You can also play connect the
pimples and razor bumps, which is indeed entertaining, but not so much a
turn on for either partner.
We begin to scour the selections in the "bargain" bins. Copious amounts
of 5 year or older pornographic films. We have found some jewels in the
past, ones with actual plots, with an almost solid attempt at acting,
and some pretty hot scrogging. This was a bit of foreshadowing as to how
this whole thing was going to end up. Seems every stack in the bins
that I thumbed through were either Chicks with Dicks, Plump Pumpers, or
When Straight Guys Go Bi. What the fuck? I wanted to complain to
management saying that they needed to categorize these flicks better,
but the wife and I had way too good of a time cracking jokes at the
titles. So we continued on.
We finally found the mother load of bargains, a 4 DVD set, 16 hours of
pooning with some pretty recognizable names in their early efforts. For
$30 bucks...what the hell. We gave it a whirl.
The comedy that ensued is one for the ages and definitely belongs in the Not So Top 10 Hall of Fame.
Tera Joy was the star of the first scene. Let me preface this by saying
she has one hell of a body and is extremely "fit nicely in the trunk"
limber. She had four fatal flaws.
1. Speaking
2. Choice of Wardrobe
3. Ben Wallace Pubes
4. One Hell of an Overbite
As for the speaking, most porn actresses fail when speaking and ruin the
over all mood. That's why porn is much better watched with your finger
readily placed on the mute button. It was her choice of wardrobe that
really began the downhill spiral into hilarity.
Tera
chose to wear high heels and leg warmers made out of chinchilla fur.
This matched her bikini, as it was made out of fur as well. Now, this is
when both the wife and I remarked on what a nice body she had, as the
outfit really complimented her curves. Tera lays on her back and starts
doing the wiggle, legs spread apart but still covered by the fur bikini.
Then it begins as she pulls the fur laden bikini bottom aside to reveal
the fact that, despite some things being retro and cool, having pubic
hair that you can BRAID is not back in fashion. Holy shit, the Greek was
having a hard time not saying anything funny as not to spoil the mood.
But then it happened. The one event that set the whole evening on it's
side...the porn slapping of the pooswah. Tera did it...and the Greek
could not help himself.
"Look! She's trying to kill it!"
Mrs. Greek lost it, as unbeknown to me, she was thinking the same thing. God I love my wife. Anyway, the commentary continued.
"It may smell dead, but she's just making sure!"
She
had a paint by numbers make up job...her face was 20 shades lighter the
rest of her skin. I don't know if that was to purposefully draw
attention away from her monstrous overbite. I mean, poor Tera reminds me
of the vulture from Looney Tunes. I could just imagine the
pre-production audition.
Director: "So Tera. Do you do anal?"
Tera: "Nope..huh huh huh...nope...don't wanna...no...nope...nope"
Tera's overbite is so bad, I blurted out "Watching her suck cock reminds
me of Spy vs Spy!" And again, more side splitting laughter erupted.
"You know, you'd have to make sure her skull was never found. I mean,
her dentist probably circulated her charts to all of his dental buddies.
They probably call her BM'er Fund or something catchy like that."
Still, sex was on the agenda, and like troopers, we continued to give
the film a chance to turn us on, since it had provided us with so much
entertainment in the first 15 minutes of the flick. Then, the levy
broke.
The "camera" man decided to gives a view that only gynecologists have.
It was a hi-def close up. I could not help it. The words just came out:
"Holy Hell! The last time I saw something like that was in 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea and it had a diver by the fucking leg!"
In tears, my wife turns to me and says "Oh my God! You have to call TeddyDupay4 right now!"
Yeah, like that's what a guy wants to hear while watching porn and
getting in the mood to have sex with his woman...she wants you to call a
male friend. Nice. But that really only made us laugh harder. Holding
our sides and praying for our cheeks to stop hurting, we continued our
viewing, laughing all the way through it. Every moan and scream produced
a geyser of guffawing. Even while a very well endowed dude was blasting
away at her cum dumpster, we could do nothing but laugh. Then, to our
surprise, the male star jettisoned his baby batter inside the starlet's
snooch. This was perplexing as we had some great material worked out for
the money shot we both were dying to use on each other.
That's
when the camera man decides to give us another gynecologists tour of
her snoogin post coitus. She pulls her labia to each side to give the
camera and viewing audience a better look at the man juice sloughing out
of there. Mrs. Greek chimes in with:
"Joe, it looks like a damned stingray that was milking a sea cucumber!"
Again, we both lost it. But still wanting to really give this film a
chance, we pressed on as the first scene mercifully ended and the second
one began. We did not catch the actresses name for the second scene,
but as you'll see in a moment, it did not matter much.
For
starters, she was a thick girl, not thick enough to be in Plump
Pumpers, but too thick to turn me on. She was indeed a pretty girl,
thickness aside. Her co-star was a gravelly voiced dude...and I suppose
only ugly, well hung dudes do porn. Mrs. Greek says the only good
looking guys in porn are in the gay porn industry "and I guess there
ain't no way in hell you're ever gonna watch one of those with me."
She's right.
But the dude was a total dork, trying to talk dirty and informing our
well fed star exactly what he was going to do to her. It sounded goofy
and how she didn't laugh in his face was beyond me. Then, the starlet
rolled on to her stomach and revealed the tattoo on her left shoulder.
It was a lobster...or a shrimp...or maybe a crayfish. We weren't sure,
but we had to stop the movie right there, because if we laughed any
harder or watched any more, there would be no way we could have had sex.
We may watch some more tonight. I'll keep you posted.
I was wondering how I was going to segway this into speaking about the
Michigan job, but I don't even think I could even pretend to know where
to start. So I'll just leave you with the weekly poll and tell you to
stay tuned for The Not So Top 10 Coaches for 2010-2011.
Have a great week friends!
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