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2011 Off and Running with Scissors
2011 Off and Running with Scissors
Man,
I take a couple of weeks off and insanity ensues. Even as 2010 was
coming to a merciful end, 2011 was off and running like Janoris Jenkins
at a night club. There's so much to get to, and with there nothing to
really rank right now (oh, don't you worry your pretty little heads, The
Greek and TeddyDupay have begun kicking their Not So Top 10 Coaches
around, so you'll get your ranking fix soon enough), be cautious, my
first rant of 2011 is liable to end up anywhere, kind of like the old
Civil War vet that doesn't come back from the store (who has no business
driving in the first place), the one they issue a Silver Alert for
because they find his car clear across town, and they end up finding him
because someone called the police because of an intruder only to find
out the old codger was trying to warn General Lee of Sherman's impending
attack...naked.
First, let me address Mother Nature. I am a native Floridian, and the
weather in December was just un-fucking-called for. Wind chill in the
TEENS? It was colder than a room full of 40-something broads whom have
had hysterectomies and currently undergoing hormone therapy. If I could,
I would punch Mother Nature in the labia. Thankfully, our #1 cash crop
is grown indoors.
Lindsay Lohan has been released (barring set back or The Greek
over-nighting himself via FedEx packed in $250k worth of Nicaraguan Bam
Bam) from the Betty Ford Clinic. Lord forgive me, I love that girl. I
would do things to her that would make the Marquis de Sade look like a
Priest...er...no...wait....I would do things to her that would make
Andrei Chikatilo look like a vegan. There, that's better.
Talking about getting scraped, Tom Cable felt Al Davis' icy wrinkled
flesh slinky violating his sphincter as he got a pink slip for the New
Year. We all know that Al Davis is nuttier than squirrel shit, but this
confirms it. All Tom Cable did was improve the cluster fuck club every
year. He went undefeated in the division with Jason Campbell and Bruce
Gradkowski at quarterback and receivers like Chaz Schilens. Al firing
Tom is like Arthur Keller shit-canning Anne Sullivan because Helen
soiled herself after their first session.
Speaking of soiling themselves, let's take a moment to point and laugh
at the NFL and their playoff system. The Seattle Seahawks qualified for
the post season with a 7-9 record. Meanwhile, a 10 win Tampa Bay
Buccaneers and a 10 win New York Giants sit at home. And some of you
folks want a playoff in college football? You would lose your mind if
6-6 FIU got in and a 10-2 Arkansas got left out, I would imagine a whole
new level of freak-out would be achieved if a sub .500 team kept a 10
win team out.
Mike Haywood, The Best Damn Poll In The Land's 2010 Coach of the Year,
spent the New Year's Eve in jail and now will spend some time in the
unemployment line. How could Pitt fire Mike? Honestly, the Porn-Stache
committed grand larceny every time he cashed a paycheck there, what harm
is there in a little spouse sparring? Shit, if Mike had been coaching
at...say...oh...just out of thin air...lemme pick a team...say...Auburn,
he would not have been axed. More than likely, they would have arrested
Mike's baby's momma for bruising his hand with her face. Only Honest
George O'Leary ( Dec 8th 2001-Dec 13th 2001- Notre Dame) lost his job
quicker than Mike. Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, and Kanye West in
3....2....1....
Krispy Kreme just opened 27 stores all over the University of
Florida's campus. That can only mean one thing...Charlie Weis is coming
to town. Will Muschamp has raided the NFL for assistant coaches. When
the Kirby Smart rumors were swirling, I was thinking "Who the fuck is
Will going to get to coach special teams? He going to dig up Vince
Lombardi or something?" But I like it. I like the NFL experience both
Quin and Weis bring, and the Super Bowl ring will certainly make
recruits take notice. We will finally get those pro style recruits...I
just hope they can live up to the arrest records set by the outgoing
regime. (It's my team, I can take stabs at them...you can't.)
The Rich Rod experiment is over in Ann Arbor. The once proud Michigan
program now resembles a skinned baby harbor seal twitching in the final
throws of death. I am not sure what it was that killed the program, and
to sit here and try to act like I am Quincy trying to figure out the
cause of death of a hooker found in a dumpster "Well Robert, I've got it
narrowed down between severe anal trauma and asphyxiation erotica..."
would be an incredible waste of time. Let's just say Greg Robinson
couldn't get a job at McDonald's. "It says here on your resume that you
were the defensive coordinator from 2009-2010 for Michigan. Wow, you
really stunk that job up. I don't think we can let you run the grill.
Maybe we can train you on fries like we do the Down Syndrome kids, but
you may not be able to compete with them. You know, never mind. I can't
hire you. But to show you I'm not totally heartless, I'll put in a good
word with you at Temple." Could you imagine that? Steve Addazio's
offense and Greg Robinson's defense. If ever together on the same field,
it would create a quantum singularity (for you 'Necks...that's smart
folk talk for black-hole).
Ohio State finally beat an SEC team. Hurray! Unfortunately, the
Cassells has not killed himself, I was hoping he'd go all Michael
Hutchens since his favorite whipping boy and their "spot" talent finally
beat his favorite team...the SEC. (This will only make sense to you if
you have ever posted on the CBS College Football Message Boards.)
Anyway, congrats to all my Buckeye buddies...even though it wasn't a
REAL SEC team you beat...they aren't a charter member...
Alright, that's enough for now. It's off to start work on the Not So
Top 10 Coaches for 2010-2011 with the one and only TeddyDupay. The Greek
is even going to see if G8rSweetie will return to the writing ranks for
this special edition. So until then, remember, it's always better if
she cries a little.
See you next week.
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