The Transportation Security Administration…otherwise known as the Airport Nazis, is the biggest joke on the planet. I feel extremely sorry for you poor bastards that have to fly a lot for a living. I have never been the best flyer in the world. I am not terrified, but I do have to take enough medication to drop Robert Downey Jr. before I could get on a plane. I looked like Anna Nicole Smith on a shopping spree at Rite-Aid. But with the new security measures and the stupid and seemingly pointless implementation of their absolutely asinine policies, you’d have to be on drugs to even want to fly.

  I don’t know where to start, so I’ll kick this rant off with the Advanced Imaging Technology that the Airport Nazis are using to secure our safety in the air. For starters, I really have no problem with this. I don’t care if some random stranger can see my junk. I have nothing (literally) to hide. I am not a scumbag terrorist nor am I a drug mule. So what’s the big deal? I’ll tell you: it’s the women that have a problem with this machine. Vanity is a woman…or some saying like that. Listen honey, we know you are fat. It does not take some advanced body scanner to tell us that. When the back of your neck looks like a package of hotdogs, we could pretty much figure out that there’s no Jane Russell body hiding under that triple x Mickey Mouse muumuu with the map of all 5 parks on the back, and the stretch pants pushed to their limit holding back your moose knuckle isn’t fooling anyone either. To complicate matters further, the scanner even defines pubes. So the attendant can tell if you are clean shaven, have a landing strip, or it looks like you have a young Dr. J in a scissor lock because you are either a wallet chain toting bohemian femi-nazi or that your outer uterine flap prevents you from trimming your dumpster hedge. The most laughable excuse from these women: “I don’t want these perverts looking at my body and then manipulating themselves while thinking of me.” Trust me, when they see Jumbo waddling down to the scanner, they’ll want to put their own eyes out with a couple of 16 penny nails. Relax Broomhilda, you will never end up in anyone’s spank bank, unless they are into chicks with harpoon scars.

  What I do have a problem with are the “random” searches. I have watched countless folks walk right through airport security that look like they were straight out of the sand wearing a “Death to Infidels” t shirt on, only to see TSA agents pull an 80 year old man out of the line to do a random search. All in the name of “we’re not profiling”. Yes, because planes are slamming into buildings because of 80 year old grandfathers. If they really wanted to make this process more efficient (which is ridiculous when referring anything run by our government) either subject everyone to these searches (insuring our safety 100%) or just straight up profile (which would insure our safety at 98%). Now, let’s get back to the TSA “agents”. I saw one TSA douchebag actually make an older lady pull out her hearing aid and take the battery out to prove it was a hearing aid. He got pissed because after she took it out, he had to repeat every instruction. Yup, this dickhead copped an attitude and threatened to not let her fly if her attitude did not change and that she needed to pay attention to his instructions better. Of course, the Greek could not resist comment: “Umm, you made her take her hearing aid out, Einstein. She’s probably having a hard time hearing your instructions.” I got glared at, and guess who was the next person to be “randomly searched”?

  Aristachus is going through my carry on, and as some of you know, the Greek takes a few meds, and he comes across my script bottles. Here’s how the conversation went:

TSA: “Why do you have so much medication?”

Greek: “Because my doctor prescribes them to me.

TSA: “Why do you have to bring so much with you? How long do you plan on being on your trip?”

Greek: “Sorry Mein Fuhrer, I thought that was clearly outlined in my travel documents…oh…wait…we’re in America. It’s none of your business, but thanks for asking.”

TSA: “You can drop the attitude. I can make sure you don’t fly today.”

Greek: “Funny you should say that. The sign on the door says “You are being video recorded from THIS point.” If I don’t get to fly today, I am sure my lawyer would have no problem with getting this video as evidence to your invasion of my privacy and your threat. But please, continue on your quest to save the airways from evil people like myself and those radical 80 year old grandmothers.”

TSA: “You are about 3 seconds from not flying.”

Greek: “And you wonder why I need so much medication.”

TSA: “Why are you bringing all this medication on the plane? It should be in your checked luggage.”

Greek: “Because I know some cats that jostle bags. And if they can hold a job here, my meds are not safe from anyone.”

TSA begins to open one of my script bottles.

Greek:”What are you doing?”

TSA: “I am making sure there is nothing but the medication inside, and that it is the same medication as indicated on the outside of the bottle.”

Greek: “Are you a doctor too? Or just a pharmacist on the weekends?”

TSA opens the bottle.

Greek: “Hope you have a pharmacy here, because if you dump out my meds on that dirty table or put them in your germ covered hand, you are going to need to replace them.”

TSA bites bottom lip, slams bottle on the table, storms over to the latex glove dispenser on the wall, pulls out a pair and struggles to put them on his hands. After waiting until the gloves are on and he has goose stepped his way back to the table:

Greek: “Are those latex gloves? Because if they are, I have a latex allergy and you cannot touch anything I am going to ingest with those gloves. I’ll wait while you find a vinyl pair or a suitable alternative.”

TSA gets loud: “I’ve had it with you!”

Just then, the door to the side of the obvious two way mirror opens and out comes a TSA supervisor.

TSA Supervisor (in a very snotty voice): “You win, sir. The TSA apologizes for the inconvenience of trying to make air travel safer for YOU.”

Greek: “Yes, because getting fondled by a GED recipient that lost his job at Burger King because of fry quality just instills confidence in your ability to protect us in the air. Thank you so much for your efforts. I feel better already.”

  All this hassle, and you finally get on the plane, only to have to struggle to get in a baby car seat they claim as being first class. You anxiously wait for the hot stewardess to bring you some booze to go along with the diazepam and lorazepam you ingested just to get on this winged coffin only to see some middle aged sow with front butt and flappy arm fat syndrome bring you some complimentary rot gut that sterno drinking bums would turn down. The pressurized cabin kicks the booze in and really fires up the meds and you begin to feel hungry. Hoping that the meal is somewhat edible and brought to you by the other, hopefully better looking, stewardess, you get disappointed twice. Some twink that you could light your cigarette off of swishes his way down the aisle with your “meal”. Seriously, this guy makes Clay Aiken look butch. You ordered the chicken. You end up with a UFO…an Unidentifiable Food Object. Rather than play intestinal roulette, you pass on the meal, ask for an extra bag of smoked almonds and 2 more doubles to wash down more pills that Barney Fife questioned your need for.

  I’ll still fly, but you can scratch me going to Amsterdam any time soon. Seems the Dutch Government, in their infinite wisdom, has decided to put a kibosh on tourists being able to smoke weed. Really?  To boot, they are citing health concerns? This from a country that, due to it being below sea level, can only flush its waste every 3 days. It smells like the streets during Mardis Gras on the morning of Ash Wednesday. Just what in the hell do you think is the main tourist attraction over there? It certainly isn’t all that great culture you blond haired pseudo-German douche nozzles you have re-gifted to the world. Getting high, off of some really good shit, legally is the only attraction…I mean aside from the whores. But if you can’t smoke out over there anymore, we’ll just head to Vegas...the call girls are better looking, shave, and don’t smell like a really expensive cheese shop.

  Speaking of things that stink, the season is winding down, and there are only a few teams still in the hunt for the Tyrone Willingham Trophy. So make sure put up your trays, make sure your seat is in the upright position, and if you’re gonna burn the ganja, go domestic and put a ban on all things Dutch, and enjoy the Not So Top 10 for Week 11.

1. Akron (0-10)-Last Week #1- I am living vicariously through the Acrid Zips. They are the only winless team left in the FBS and they made me quite nervous pushing Ball-less State to over time two weeks ago. This week the Emaciated Kangaroos host the Miami Redhawks (that’s right, no more Deadhawks for the 7-4 Miami team, even the coach has a new nickname: Mike Haywood-you-fire-Steve-Addazio-and hire-Mike-Haywood). Look for the Zips to continue their run at perfection.

Miami (OH) 31 Acrid 21

2. San Jose State (1-9)-Last Week #3- If Akron should stub their toe; the NST 10 Championship would be the San Jose State Penitentiary Spartans to lose. I mean, the town is used to losing, industry, jobs, morality brain cells to rampant drug use, not to mention the Sharks, who choke worse than Greg Norman did at the 1996 Masters. The Sputterin’ Spartans travel to Hawaii to take on the Warriors this week. Look for the poi to flow like blood as the Warriors eviscerate the Haole Hippies.

Hawaii 56 SJSU 12

3. New Mexico (1-9)-Last Week #7- The Low Blows have the best shot out of the one loss teams to lose out. They travel to play BYU this weekend and end their horrendous season, which includes a loss to New Mexico State, against an undefeated TCU. Mike Locksley will be coaching his last game at New Mexico. That doesn’t mean the Low Blows will suck any less, but coach on coach violence will decline drastically.

BYU 29 NMU 15

4. Eastern Michigan (1-9) - Last Week #2- The Ypsilanti Correctional Community College Pigeons still have a very slim outside chance of winning the NST 10 championship. Their last shot at a win comes this week against Buffalo, but Ron English is still the top candidate for NST 10 Coach of the Year. Should they lose this weekend; the Pigeons will definitely lose their finale against Northern Illinois in front of all 20 YCCCP fans on Senior Day.

Buffalo 21 YCCCP 20

5. Memphis (1-9)- Last Week NR- Read this program its last rites, it’s starting to draw flies more than the cheerleaders do. The Tigers are pathetic, even by Conference USA standards. Denial seems to be a river in Memphis because I saw one headline that read “In Cloudy Season, Tigers See Silver Lining”. For real? It talks about the commercial appeal of Memphis and the potential to land big corporate sponsors for building new athletic facilities. My Grandfather said once “You can’t polish a turd son. All it does is get warm and mushy and just oozes through your fingers.”

UAB 44 Memphis 17

6. The Sun Belt Conference (31-55) When your conference leader has a sub .500 record (FIU at 4-5) 9 games into the season, your whole conference belongs in the Not So Top 10. Here’s the overall record of some FCS conferences: Big Sky (45-45), CAA (54-46), hell, even the FCS Independents are 38-36 for the year. Yes, the Sun Belt is worse than several FCS conferences. I’d rather watch Janet Reno, Rosie O’Donnell, Sandra Bernhard, and Rhea Pearlman go to town on each other in a fugly four way fur feast than watch a Sun Belt game.

7. Indiana (4-6) - Last Week NR- 83 fucking points? That’s how much Indiana gave up to John Clay-less Wisconsin team. The Badgers were in the endzone more than Delonte West was in LeBron’s mom. Good thing that game was in Wisconsin, the only function that goes up to 83 on the scoreboard in Indian is the attendance (rarely). The Hosers host Penn State this week, and while there is no chance that Penn State will tax the scoreboard, Indiana won’t be working it that hard either.

Penn State 37 Indiana 20

8. Texas (4-6)- Last Week #10- This program is going down faster than a drunk, desperate single mom on an internet date during last call. This is what Texas has been reduced to. The Cow –patties have lost 4 in a row, getting boat raced this last weekend by Oklahoma State. This week is their last chance at a win as they face Florida Atlantic. Imagine, 10 months ago, Texas was playing in the BCS title game. Now, they aren’t even going to be bowl eligible.

Texas 37 FAU 10

9. Wake Forest (2-8) Last Week NR- Wake Forest started the season off 2-0 and scored 107 points in the first two games. Since then, they have lost 8 games in a row and have only managed to score 122 points. Very Not So Top 10 worthy if you ask me. They host Clemson this week, so you can chalk up another loss. They end the season in Nash Vegas against the Commodes of Vanderbilt. Look for Clemson to become bowl eligible this week.

Clemson 44 Wake 15

10. Steve Addazio (4-6) Last Week his offense was outgained by Marcus Lattimore. I blame every loss this year squarely on the offense and Addazio. You sicken me Mr. Addazio. I am hoping that the #10 spot has just enough mojo left in it so that the Gators don’t end up like Michigan in 2007 when they host Appalachian State this weekend. Seems like Urban Meyer isn’t going to get rid of Addazio, so our only hope for next season is that Addazio gets stricken with an advanced and aggressive form of Lou Gehrig’s.

We’re down to the final 5 in the quest of for the NST 10 title and the Tyrone Willingham Trophy. So, there isn’t any “coming soon” list this week. Instead, I’d like to give a shout out to Washington State for winning their first conference game in 17 tries. I’ll see you all next and from The Greek and his family to you and yours…

Happy Thanksgiving!