Relaxing Moments

You know it is going to be a bad week when you have to pry the bottle of Jack from the dead prostitute's hand, only to find that the bitch had put her last cigarette out in the bottle before you gave the gal her sweet release…and yours too, thus contaminating that much needed swig of bourbon whiskey (thanks Tex!) to help you face the horrible week ahead.

A big fuck you to Disney. What gives with this “Duffy” the Bear deal?  First of all, I am sure Baloo and Winnie’s lawyers will be in contact with you money hungry fucks, and God only knows what kind of backwoods justice the Country Bears are going to dole out. How does this bear get top billing? Folks, the story goes: Minnie gave Mickey this stuffed bear so that he won’t be lonely in his journeys. I guess she was tired of getting the credit card bill and seeing “Anything Goes” Adult Entertainment & Companion Services. So she gives him this bear that looks like the court psychiatrists use when they ask the little kiddies to point out where the defendant touched them. This is actually just another ploy from the Evil Mouse Empire to use your child to extort more money from you. Like $20 to park and $100 a head to get into the fucking park isn’t fleecing us enough.

I have a problem with the air freshener my wife purchased for the bathroom. It’s called Glade’s Relaxing Moments. There is nothing relaxing about the moments in which that spray is going to be employed. There will be crying, sweating, pleading, and even some bargaining with God going on, and that’s from the folks on the outside of ground zero. At no point is there any relaxing. All it does is make it smell like a tropical island mixed with shit. It doesn’t necessarily influence relaxing sensations. It is, however, safer than striking matches, which is what I normally use to gauge the current danger level of my bathroom journey. A 5 matcher smells like a slaughterhouse inside of a paper mill powered by burning tires and Styrofoam.

There are times while on the throne slinging some mud that I reflect on some past events. This latest moment of reflection spawned this: Sean Kelly is my hero. Yes, he's a fraud, and yes he took advantage of some women...blah...blah...blah. I get it...so don't come at me with this insensitivity bullshit...I know I am sick....I don't give a shit...deal with it...oh, and I know I am insensitive too. Anyway, home skillet here duped a couple of caregivers/nurses/nursing school dropouts into thinking he was his little, brain damaged brother. They were hired to take care of him, bathe him, and change his diapers. That's right friends, this mastermind actually got grown women to clean up his crap, wipe his coin purse, and put powder on his sack. Brilliant. Standing ovation. This guy should not be charged with anything....he should be honored. That's thinking outside the box. I keep dreaming of the day when someone will be changing my diaper because I have become too old and I am too comfortable to get out of my recliner. Sean Kelly made that happen, and is still a spry 40 years old to enjoy it. Kudos!

This week’s Not So Top 10 will likely test the limits of an adult diaper. There’s some extremely crappy football that needs changing and is drawing flies…and no, it’s not that dead prostitute. Maybe we shouldn’t make jokes about dead prostitutes because they have already died on the inside…or at least they smell like it. So kick back, take out a second mortgage for your next trip to Disney, break out the industrial sized can of air freshener, and for fun, just to see how much your wife/husband loves you, put on an adult diaper, fill it up, and then see if they’ll change it for you while you enjoy The Not So Top 10 for Week #10!

Since TeddyDupay compared conferences to different types of chicks, I figured shitty football deserves shitty comparisons. So this week’s theme…the types of shit that each team represents.

1. Akron (0-10) Last Week #1- The Spinal Tap: this shit is so painful, it makes you wish you had an epidural before you hit the throne. That’s what watching Acrid Zips football is like. Painful. The Zips almost tore the perineum out of their perfect season by forcing overtime against Ball-less State. Fortunately they lost 37-30, going 4-16 on third down conversions. The Zips have this week off before they host Miami of Ohio.

2. Eastern Michigan (1-8) Last Week #4- The Pile Driver: shit that is so dense that it careens to the bottom of the bowl and chips the porcelain. Shit and sinking to the bottom fast, that about sums up the Ypsilanti Correctional Community College Pigeons. Ron English and the Pigeons had the week off…maybe they learned how to suck less? This week they have a road game against Western Michigan.

WMU 31 YCCCP 17

3. San Jose State (1-8) Last Week #3- The Ripper:  A dump that has the adhesive power of crazy glue and rips ever sphincter hair you own out by the roots as it makes its final journey from your ass to the bowl. Sounds uncomfortable…now you know what it is like to be a San Jose State Spartans fan. They had last week off as well, maybe the football Gods took pity on us…who knows. This week they host Utah State. So far they are 0-1 against teams with the Aggies nickname…make it 0-2…

Utah State 27 San Jose State 14

4. Western Kentucky (1-8) Last Week #10- The Turd-pon: After you avulse your colon, you look in the bowl. The water has a pinkish hue, and you could swear there may even be a string hanging out of your lifeless link-n-log. There’s no better way to describe the Western Kentucky Hillfloppers than a bloody piece of fecal matter. They lost to FAU last week 17-16 and now go on the road to face the Arkansas State Red Wolves. Losses stick to the Hillfloppers like toilet paper on a wet ass.

Arkansas State 44 WKU 16

5. Washington State (1-9) Last Week NR- The Play-doh Fun Factory: You sit down to do some business, and 15 minutes later, you are still shitting. It just doesn’t stop. When you look to admire your accomplishment, you see several different lengths of doo, some look like a fire hose, some in the shape of a star…hence The Play Doh Fun Factory name. This is Washington State football, because no matter what changes you make to it, it still is shit and must be flushed. They shit the bed against Cal last week 20-13…and actually had a chance to win the game. This week, they tangle with Oregon State, who will use that plastic Play Doh knife to cut these turds off from a victory.

Oregon State 27 Washington State 20

6. Wyoming (2-8) Last Week NR- The Fauxart: it has all the makings of a Herculean fart, and just as you are about to let it rip, some butt sludge is precariously in the way.  Behind the Fauxart is an avalanche of putrid brownie batter…its destination: your BVD’s and your legs. You clench your cheeks, praying that your coin purse can hold back the surge of sewage, but alas, it is only flesh and blood…not concrete and steel. Your end up shitting yourself. This is Wyoming football. It doesn’t help that their uniforms look they have been involved in a monkey poop slinging drive by, but how in the fuck do you lose to New Mexico? They play at UNLV this week in the Tarnished Toilet Bowl.

UNLV 3 Wyoming 0 in 8 OT’s

7. New Mexico (1-8) Last Week#2- The Phantom Menace: a once in a lifetime dump; one long, solid, perfectly formed turd curled neatly around the bowl, that is hardly noticeable passing through your dinner dumpster. Even when you wipe there is no blood, no corn, no nuts, no nothing. But the smell…good God, the smell. It would make a medical examiner gag. That perfectly describes the New Mexico Low Blows and their win against Wyoming. A once in a lifetime perfect shit, but the stench of the Low Blows program will linger for years. They pay a visit to Air Force this week, where they will be broken up with a coat hanger and given a burial at sea.

Air Force 45 New Mexico 13

8. UNLV (1-8) Last Week #8- The Jackpot: You make it to the terlet and drop your drawers just in time as your brown-eye succumbs to the pressure. No sooner than you come to rest on the seat, you begin to hear the peanuts from the ball park last night pinging against the porcelain, sounding like you had just hit 3 bars on the $5 slots. An appropriate analogy for the UNLV Runnin’ Retards. They travel to Wyoming this week.

UNLV 3 Wyoming 0 in 8 OT’s

9. New Mexico State (2-7) Last Week NR- The Bungee: You’re about to bury the elf, you feel the brown trout emerging from his butt burrow, and just as he hits the water he curls back up. Then gravity acts in unison with the rest of your road diet of beef and cheese, and forces it back towards the water. This could repeat as many as two or three times before it is finally freed from your colon. This type of yo-yo dump is exactly like the New Mexico State Aggonies’ season. They looked like shit early on, played a bit better but could not win, then they popped their win cherry, then looked like shit again for two games, then won again before finally being released into the water with last week’s loss to Utah State. They take on Louisiana Tech this Saturday.

Coon Ass Tech 13 Brown Trouts 10

10. Texas (4-5) Last Week #9- The LeBron: It starts with a lot of promise. There’s a lot of noise from your digestive track. The farts are spectacular, just falling short of shitting your pants. After sitting on the couch and having it support you through your orchestra of olfactory offenses, you make an announcement to anyone that will listen that you are moving from the couch to the bathroom. You get into the bathroom, proud of your decision; assume the position…and nothing. You fail to shit. Folks, this is Texas. 10 months removed from playing for the BCS title, the Cow-patties have fiddle fucked their way to a sub .500 record with losses to Baylor, Iowa State, and Kansas State in the same season. They face Oklahoma State in Austin this weekend…and to say they are going to get the shit beat out of them is an understatement.

Oklahoma State 42 Texas 19

Needing Two Flushes (one for the bulk and the second for the remainder) Tulane, Rice (man the Rice Bowels should have been in this NST 10), North Texas, UL-Lafayette, Tennessee, Minnesota, Gilbert Arenas, Nadjeh Davenport, Duke (another team that this week’s theme was perfect for), Colorado, Wake Forest, Bowling Green (that name just brings images of green turds in an American Standard), and Buffalo.