Mama, We’re All Crazy Now!

Break out the straightjackets. Warm up the ECT machines. We are all going nuts. We are talking Margot Kidder, Chuck Manson, and Gary Busey having a threesome on your front porch crazy. Here’s some of the proof I have compiled to support my claim:

Pee Wee Herman on Broadway. That’s right; The Pee Wee Herman Show is running on Broadway as we speak. It is just further proof that we will fucking watch anything and this disturbing trend has jumped from TV to the performing arts. Now believe it or not, I may not be the most cultured individual on the planet, but seriously, isn’t Broadway reserved for classics like The Phantom of the Opera, A Chorus Line, and The Producers? Instead, we have now accepted Broadway as a place to rejuvenate an otherwise dead career of real life cartoon character. Don’t get me wrong, I actually liked Pee Wee’s Playhouse, especially when I was dropping acid and other mind altering narcotics. But never once did I think “Hey, this should be on fucking Broadway!” I also think that Paul Reubens deserves a second chance. All he essentially did was run a batch in an adult theatre. It wasn’t like he was in court 5 times for touching kids, yet we still fawn over Michael Jackson’s death and say what a tragedy it was. So, until Pee Wee whips out his Pee Wee and jettisons his swimmers all over the front row audience (which would classify as performance art…right…like a pornographic Gallagher show) let it ride. It’s just another exhibit from the prosecution.

What has happened to Cousin Eddie? Randy Quaid and his nutty assed wife were recently arrested in Canada for missing a court appearance for vandalism after squatting in a home they had supposedly sold. If your head isn’t spinning like Linda Blair in The Exorcist trying to wrap it around the entire story, Randy makes it almost impossible with his comments to the judge. Seems he thinks that “forces” in Hollywood are killing off the stars in some strange conspiracy theory. He stated that very influential actors have met their untimely demise, the latest victims being Heath Ledger and David Carradine. Yes, Heath Ledger tilted the scales of power with his portrayal of a cowboy taking it in the shit chute and a comic book villain, so he had to be eliminated. David Carradine had been so influential in his TV series Kung Fu that they had to wait 40 years to silence him, and they took the time to make it look like he hung himself while throttling his lap meat. Randy’s “Shiter’s full” will be the battle cry for his protection. Give me a fucking break! Hell, how fucked up do you have to be for Canada not to want you? They fucking claim Celine Dion…where does that put Randy on the Hollywood food chain? Hell, I’d be running back to California…especially for the medicinal marijuana..

Randy, if you want to talk about conspiracy theories, let’s talk about Judge Elden Fox and how he’s trying to fuck with me. He’s the asshole who remanded Lindsay Lohan to the Betty Ford Clinic. Do you realize how that directly affects me? I mean, say she fucks up and gets sober. My chances for hunting her down with an ounce of Colombian Bam Bam, getting her geeked up out of her skull and then degrading her by making her wear her racing suit from Herbie (altered and made crotchless by yours truly), spitting on her, and making her go down on herself (yes, she’s that limber, or the massive amount of coke in her system will dull the pain of any displaced vertebrae that may occur) all while I pleasure myself with a butane torch is totally ruined. Guess I can scratch that scenario off of my bucket list…thanks Judge Elden…dick!

One more thing that chaps my ass: Parents that do not control their little spawns in restaurants. I know you want to parade your larva around to show that you two actually had sex, but just because you are used to the behavior of your little obnoxiously loud prodigal bacteria spreaders does not mean the rest of the dining room is. There’s a sign in my favorite restaurant:

“Misbehaving and Unattended children will be given espresso and a free puppy”

Another thing that puts my scrotum in a twist: Eating with vegetarians. When I order the veal, they get this look on their face like I just slaughtered a bag full of kittens with a butter knife at the table. Get over it you rabbit food eating hippies. You see the set of canines you have in your grill? That’s for eating meat. And I tell you, if I could, I’d eat baby harbor seals (I mean, they would come pre-tenderized) or manatee burgers. That’s right…fuck you Jimmy Buffet. I am tired of those slow moving stupid fucks ruining my boating and fishing.

Alright, that’s enough venom for now. I have to pace myself because this week’s Not So Top 10 has some really fucking terrible teams in it…and I must spread the hate evenly.

1. Akron (0-9) Last Week #2- Acrid- sharp or biting to the taste or smell; bitterly pungent; irritating to the eyes, nose, etc.: acrid smoke from burning rubber. That about sums up the city of Akron and the Zips, especially descriptive of their performance last week against Temple. As if being beaten by a team that was kicked out of the Big East 30-0 isn’t bad enough, the Acrid Zips were held to just 8 first downs and 154 yards of offense. Pathetic and worthy of the #1 spot in the Not So Top 10. Next up, the Ball-less State House of Cards play host to the Zips.

Ball-less State 2 Acrid 0

2. New Mexico (0-8) Last Week #1- Only a Mike Locksley team can make Colon State look like an offensive juggernaught. The Low Blows surrendered 328 yards rushing and 256 yards passing as they rolled over on their backs and showed their shriveled genitals and belly as a sign of submission in a 38-14 thumping. They could not hang on to the top spot however, as Acrid is about as bad as they come. One stat that made it tough not to rank the Low blows #1 is their average points against (43.4) and average points for (13.6). This week, the Low Blows host Wyoming in the Broke Back Bowl.

Wyoming 43.4 New Mexico 13.6

3. San Jose State (1-8) Last Week #4-The Sputtering Spartans lost to the New Mexico State Aggonies 29-27. When you give the Aggonies their second win of the season, there is no doubt you belong in the NST 10. San Jose State also possesses the worst scoring offense in the country, only averaging 11.6 points per contest. They host a pretty bad Utah State team…but they aren’t San Jose State bad.

Utah State 30 San Jose State 11.6

4. Eastern Michigan (1-8) Last Week #5- The Ypsilanti Correctional Community College Pigeons were bludgeoned by the Toledo Rockets 42-7. Ron English’s 3-3-5 is every bit as bad as Greg Robinson’s 3-3-5. They practiced the Cover None scheme against the Rockets and hemorrhaged more than a Russian Czar’s offspring. The Pigeons possess the worst scoring defense in the Nation, giving up 43.8 points per game. They travel to play Western Michigan in the Hot Dog Water Bowl this weekend.

Western Michigan 40 YCCCP 10

5. Memphis (1-7) Last Week NR- The Meningitis Tigers lost their fifth game in a row, being pounded 56-17 by a Case Keenum-less Houston Cougar team. The Big East is looking to expand, in football only, which I guess was a kinder way of excluding Memphis altogether. They didn’t want their corrupt basketball program, and they actually want to improve the strength of their football conference. But hey, at least the BBQ is good…right?

6. Minnesota (1-8) Last Week NR- The Golden Goofers have lost 8 in a row after beating Middle Tennessee State. They have lost to an FCS team and have not won a home game in 2010. They got waxed by Ohio State 52-10, and they do not have a win left on the season. Tim Brewster still has a shot at a title…the Tyrone Willingham Trophy and a place in Not So Top 10 History. They play at Michigan State this week…so make that 9 losses in a row.

Michigan State 44 Minnesota 14

7. Kansas (2-6) Last Week NR- Watching this team fumblefuck their way through the football season is about as addictive as watching Glee. I don’t know why, but the little queer dude fascinates me. Actually, the whole cast is disturbingly captivating…maybe I am getting in touch with my inner Adam Lambert. Anyway, I wonder how much money Turner Gil would have paid for Cam Newton if he were to have been hired at Auburn? He could have borrowed it from Charles Barkley’s gambling winnings. This is how sad Kansas has become: They host Colorado this weekend, and they will be giving Dan Hawkins his fifth win of the season.

Colorado 33 Kansas 21

8. UNLV (1-7) Last Week NR- The UNLV running retards are freakin’ terrible. Their lone win came against New Mexico, and to be blazingly honest, I don’t see another win on the schedule. UNLV has lost 4 straight, and they travel this week to take on the BYU Cougars. Look for the Mormons to mash the Sin City Sissies.

BYU 40 UNLV 19

9. Texas (4-4) Last Week #10- When was the last time Texas lost to Iowa State and Baylor in the same season? Answer: NEVER. This Texas team is pretty bad. The Shorthorns have lost 4 out of their last 5, and they travel to play the Scheduling Guru himself, Bill Snyder, and his Kansas State Wildcats. Look for Bill Snyder to make Texas look like the Texas State Armadillos.

Kansas State 31 Texas 21

10. The Entire Fucking Sun Belt Conference (24-46) Seriously, this is the worst fucking conference in all of football. There are FCS conferences more competitive than this garbage gathering of God-awful grid iron goofballs.  Let’s take a look at how bad they are: I took the worst 9 teams from each division

Big 10- 43-30, Big 12- 42-31, PAC 10- 38-34, WAC- 38-34, SEC- 39-36, ACC- 36-36, MWC- 37-37, C-USA 31-43. Only the MAC was worse, but they are a 13 team conference, and the other 4 teams are 26-10. Tell me why the Sun Belt is in the FBS again? Is it because the SEC needs to add legitimacy to its out of conference scheduling or that we need someone to fill the International Bowl spot?

On the couch: Central Michigan, Ball State, Wyoming, People busting on Georgia Defensive Coordinator Grantham for doing the choke sign, Tennessee if they lose to Memphis, UCLA, Washington, Washington State, Duke, Wake Forest, Marshall, Tulane, and Rice.