Man, I love this time of year! All the great horror movies to view and nothing beats watching stupid people die. Honestly, like these douche bags have never watched a horror movie? Do the math…you are opening up a camp that has a bloody past…slaughtered silicon chested counselors…a drowned waterhead…and you discover one of your fellow counselors with an axe sticking out of his melon…and what do they do? First…they leave the axe in the dead dude’s skull.

Rule #1 of Slasher Film Survival

Never leave a potential weapon behind. So what if you have to scrape your friend’s intestines off the blade…they are dead…you still have a chance to survive and go one to reproduce and provide more victims.

Next, they flee to a very central location to use the phone. Hey dumbasses:

Rule #2 of Slasher Film Survival

The phone is no good. The killer has already cut the phone lines, and your little shitty PCS Metro crap phone won’t get a signal. Wasted time and effort. Plus, the killer probably has already killed Roscoe and Earnest, the only two cops in the town.

So now these fools are trapped, weaponless, in a two story, centrally located building, with a backdoor and a front door. What’s their next move? They decide to check up stairs, and neglect securing the windows and both doors first.

Rule #3 of Slasher Film Survival

The killer is not upstairs. He’s waiting for you to go upstairs so he can sneak in the door and surprise you coming down the stairs. He’s already been upstairs and left you a present. See, your two friends went upstairs to screw, and the killer coitiused their interuptus. Which brings us to:

Rule #4 of Slasher Film Survival

Never fuck in a horror movie. Period.

But what fun would these movies be if the victims were smart? It’d be like a very bad made for Lifetime Channel movie.

Now, for something really horrible; The Greek is going to apologize. Normally, I do not let hate mail get to me, but I am only human. It has been brought to my attention that I may be somewhat of a hypocrite, so I am going to apologize for some of the lines I have crossed in the past.

I once made a comment “You would need an Asian and an abacus to calculate Washington State’s Points Against.”

I am sorry that I stereotyped Asians as being smart. I will go back to just making fun of their driving, legendary tiny junk, and the fact that I can blind fold them with dental floss.

I have made dykes…er…lesbians the butt of many jokes in my columns. I am truly sorry. We have some things in common. You like snooch…I dig snooch. I am just not into flannel, wallet chains, baby powder, or strap-ons. Sorry.

I recently (last week) made a funny at little Jonbonet Ramsey’s expense.  I also took a shot at the parents that put their kids in these pageants. Shortly afterward, I received this email:

“Mr. Greek,

You should rot in Hell. How is any child dying the least bit funny? I just felt you should know that. The real reason I had to email you was the attack on mothers that enter their children into pageants. For starters, my daughter looks forward to these competitions. Think of it as little league for princesses. She competes against girls her own age. What on Earth could be wrong with that? Making friends? Feeling pretty? Those are good things. How you can twist these innocent things into gutter humor. But making fun of the sick crime that took little Jonbonet from us is as low as you can get. You should rot in Hell.

Erine- Nashville

PS- I only visited your site because someone told me that it was hilarious. You are far from funny and I will not be back."

Erine, I am sorry. I am sorry that your daughter has to be subjected to a parent like yourself. I am sorry that time, gravity, and breast feeding has made your sour milkbags look like tangerines in fleshy tube socks, which takes a steel belted vulcanized bra to hold those knee-shooters from bruising your knees when you walk. Your looks took a hit from your little beauty pageant contestant when you finally spread your legs after one too many wine sprtizers at the country club mixer for your borderline suicidal and emotionally dead husband because he realized he married an ice queen. You probably use a Wagner power painter to put on your makeup. To make her pay in some twisted sense of vindication; you torture her by making her sit still for hours while you cake makeup on her and adult style clothing making her look like a Vegas call girl on her way to see a john that gives her $1200 just to snap a deuce on his chest. You want her to make friends and feel good about herself, get her into Girl Scouts. She should be out running around and playing…not being a vessel in which you live vicariously and shamelessly through.

Erine…you are the problem.

Back to Halloween...

Now, those of us who haven't completely killed our brain cells off through use of narcotics or incredible week long drinking benders, we remember how special Halloween was to us. How much thought we put into your costume, how it was a social status symbol amongst your peers, and how much candy we got went into measuring the success of every Halloween. But there was one thing that could ruin your Halloween...shitty candy. 

That's right, the type of candy you got could throw the success of your Trick or Treating all to hell. Nothing like spilling out a pillow case full of treats to find some of the stupidest bullshit. Raisins? What type of granola crunchin', tree huggin' douche bag doles out raisins for trick or treats? Oh, and you have to love the pretentious, vainglorious assholes that give out toothbrushes. What, you think that the kiddies don't have toothbrushes....or is it that you just want to be a friggin' buzz killer and remind the kids that all the scrumptious candy they are consuming is going to rot their teeth out? If it were up to those jerks, they'd put pictures of skin cancer patients on suntan oil...or put images of venereal diseases on bottles of personal lubricant. Or they could be dentists....sadistic schmucks that they are.
  

Then there is those special fartknockers that seem to think kids are old coots like them and give out starlight mints, butterscotch, and fucking cough drops. You ought to be dragged into the street and beating with a rubber hose.Take some of that scratch you save by ordering from the senior menu at Denny's and tip the server 50 cents and by some damned fun sized candy bars you shriveled up old prune bags. I know fun is an alien term to you miserable blue haired killjoys, but damn. Another group Halloween could do without...the OLD RECYCLED CANDY GIVERS!!! You are the lowest form of life on the planet...somebody should split your skull with the heel of a boot. You really have to go out of the way to use old holiday candy for trick or treats. I mean, these treats were left behind for a reason...maybe they sucked...or while getting your Christmas lights and decorations ready, you came across them tucked away in some God forsaken Santa bowl or Frosty the Snowman jar...and you decided "hmmm...I'll save a few bucks and give this to those little bastards on Halloween." Have you ever eaten 10 month old chocolate left in a hot attic? You might as well be passing out Depends so the kids don't shit themselves after eating your cheap, human Drain-o recycled candy.
 

So, if any of you fit into any of the preceding categories, you're a douche...and I am going to help you. Here are some candy that is appropriate and will make you a hero in your neighborhood:

1. Fun Sized Candy Bars- Not those tiny ass bite sized bullshit. I am talking the 3 inch long bad boys. Baby Ruth, Milkyway, Snickers, Twix, and Butterfinger. Oh, even the Hershey's Minis are good to go.

2. Lollipops- Dum-Dums, Blo-Pops, Tootsie Pops, even the lollipops with the loop in the handle. Those are always a winner and created brawls between friends when splitting up the Halloween haul.

3. Bubble Gum- Bazooka, Supper Bubble (Grape and Sour Apple Flavors are top notch). Rain-Blo and Fruit Stripe Gum are tops on the list. No Sugar Free Trident or Wrigleys...what are you...90?

4. Jawbreakers- Any kind will do. Willy Wonka Dino-Sour Eggs are the Holy Grail of Halloween treats. If you are one of those sadistic dentists....this is spending money to make money. Jawbreakers damage more teeth than any other candy. (Or that's the excuse I give the kids when I confiscate them while inspecting their pile of goodies.)

5. Starburst and LifeSavers- And before you ask...assorted flavors only on the LifeSavers....not Butter Rum you old dirt bag....fruity flavors. The kid’s taste buds aren't shot by years of alcohol abuse and smoking 27 packs of Pall Mall filter less a day for 50 years.

So with all that has transpired over the week and having to get ready for the Halloween throwdown, I am not doing any cute write ups this week. I figured I have rambled on enough, and I am just going to let the numbers speak for themselves.

Have a Happy and Safe Halloween everyone!

1. New Mexico (0-7) Last Week #1

2. Akron (0-7) Last week #3

3. New Mexico State (1-6) Last Week #4

4. San Jose State (1-7) Last Week #5

5. Eastern Michigan (1-7) Last Week #6