I recently ran into one of “those” parents. I am sure you are familiar with the type. These are the shallow, pompous, narcissistic douche nozzles that brag incessantly about their child/children. They are easily spotted because when they speak about their precious little sperm and egg union, they always refer to them as “my little (insert pretentious haughty name here). It is usually used in conjunction with “My little what’shisfuck did that weeks ago”, especially when it has been interjected into a conversation with another parent making idle chit chat about their own child’s/children’s achievements. These are the same assholes that think just because junior smiled at someone dangling some keys, he’s the next member of fucking MENSA. They are the ones that film their spawn jumping off a diving board and start claiming he’s the next Greg Louganis. While he may very well end up sucking dick for drugs at an interstate rest stop, he’s not winning any Olympic medals. You want to impress me, have junior take a 100 foot cliff dive and once we see his flesh melon float back to the surface like a net buoy, then and only then may we call him a prodigy. Just because your prediabetic larvae can suck down a whole chicken nugget doesn’t mean he isn’t going to be scraping them out of a fry basket for a living. At best, he may become a competitive eater. I try to give these delusional parents advice, reassuring them that the world needs garbage men and ditch diggers, and that both positions can make a decent living. But they refuse to listen. They dress their 3 year olds up like call girls, complete with makeup by Tammy Faye Baker , and parade them around in all those pageants….and yet these same folks wonder why and how Jonbenet Ramsey met her semen soaked ending. Stupidity.

And speaking of stupidity, looks like Junior Seau wrapped up the Jason Kid Domestic Partner of the Year award AND the Henri Paul Safe Driver award all in one shot. Kudos! I mean, c’mon Junior, just because you knocked around your old lady doesn’t mean you have to go all Thelma and Louise and try to end it all. Ike Turner had a pretty good career. Look at Sugar Ray Leonard, he kicked the shit out of Juanita on a regular basis, yet he is still loved by millions. John Daly parlayed knocking his wife up against the wall and pulling her hair into a clothing line, complete with great color names even Crayola would die for, like blackeye blue, backhand black, and raging red. So reach out Junior, there’s a huge support group out there for you.

The list of shitty football teams is longer than a gorilla’s arm (and no, this is not another Michael Strahan reference). It takes quite a bit of film watching to determine who exactly belongs in the Not So Top 10. Once again, I have poured over inept attempts at football and gleaned this week’s Not So Top 10. So buckle your safety belts, keep your guard up at all times, and make sure your little Einstein Prodigy can read at a sixth grade level so you both can enjoy the Not So Top 10 for week 7.

1. New Mexico (0-6) Last Week #2- Congrats to the Low Blows. Because of Ball-less State, Mike Locksley is finally #1 at something besides punching assistant coaches. The Low Blows had the week off and benefited from YCCCP pulling something out of their asses that isn’t classified as vermin, and the fact the Hillfloppers showed a pulse against La-Monroe. Embrace it, Low Blow fans, because it may be short lived as Akron and WKU are now making their move. Never fear, Brady Hoke will help as Albuquerque prepares for an Aztec Sun God sacrificial ceremony where San Diego State guts the Low Blows and sends them to 0-7.

San Diego State 40 New Mexico 10

2. Western Kentucky (0-6) Last Week #3- The Hillfloppers cannot even be the best at sucking. They are like a day shift stripper, you know, at one of those clubs that offer the “free buffet” to entice you to come see their daytime C List strippers. You know, the kind of place that the girls have more cesarean scars than teeth. Look at her, she knows she’s up against the wall when it comes to looks, but she puts on that spaghetti string, velveteen dress that makes her side fat look like she’s smuggling 8 packages of Trail Bologna under each arm. She does her hair in a special way, covering the black eye she got from an angry john, or her boyfriend, or her husband, or her father.  But she’s out there trying to look sexy, trying to get you to come off of that dollar so she can score a rock after her shift. The Hillfloppers are THAT girl. Just not quite shitty enough to take the number one spot, but good enough for you to give her a dollar to get her skanky, crab ridden catcher’s mitt out of your face so you can eat your free buffet. Next up on center stage…La-Lafayette…the dayshift goes on tour.

La-Lafayette 30 WKU 20

3. Akron (0-7) Last Week #4- The Acrid Zips are 0-7 and look like they are making their bid for the perfect season. The Zips lost to Frank “Happy Hour” Solich and the Ohio Bobcats and move up to #3 this week. It makes me wonder if Acrid does lose the rest of their games, being the NST 10 Champion could actually give them a recruiting tool. I mean, what else would attract a recruit to Akron? “Come see the original Quaker Oats factory that has been turned into a strip mall and abortion clinic! Check out the Good Year World of Rubber Museum, where if your folks had paid attention in health class, rubber would have prevented you from being born and you would not be enjoying the wonderful Akron area! All this and you can be a part of the Tyrone Willingham Trophy winning 2010 Akron Zips program!” Yes, where the fuck do I sign up for that? Another note, Acrid is the first team to be mathematically eliminated from bowl eligibility. Only Reggie Bush has done a better job. Next up, Western Michigan and 0-8.

Western Michigan 37 Akron 7

4. New Mexico State (1-5) Last Week #5- See what happens when you win? Nobody talks about you. DeWayne Walker and the Aggonies got boat raced by Fresno State, yet their lone victory two weeks ago over New Mexico is preventing them from being the talk of New Mexico…I mean aside from the casual banter at the coffee shop about why there are so many Mexicans and the Home Depot always being crowded. No, the Aggonies win has made me the only person that wants or has to talk about New Mexico State. That’s just not fair, to me. I mean, haven’t the Football Gods avulsed the contents of their bowels on me enough in 2010? (See #10 for further reference) A road trip to Moscow to play Idaho will send the Aggonies to 1-6, and make me hate Robb Akey even more.

Idaho 23 New Mexico State 9

5. San Jose State (1-6) Last Week #6- The Sputtering Spartans lost 48-0 to Boise State, and what was embarrassing was the fact that the Broncos played their fourth string band and practice squad waterboys in the fourth quarter and still SJSU could not score. Honestly, if they had not lucked out against Southern Utah, the Spartans would be #1 in the NST 10, because they may just be the worst program in the FBS. No wonder the drug usage index in San Jose is through the roof. I’d mainline fucking Drain-o if I was anchored to that horrible football program. Next up, an overdose of Liquid Plumber provided by the Fresno State Bulldogs.

Fresno State 60 San Jose State 3

6. Eastern Michigan (1-6) Last Week #1- Fuck you Ron English. As if 2010 wasn’t going bad enough for me (see #10 again), you have to go and break your 18 game winless streak and ruin your chances for the perfect season. Is my anger misplaced? Should I be pissed at Ball-less State instead? Why don’t you just ask the paraplegic I just kicked in the stoma about misplaced anger. FUCK! I am beside myself as I thought this day would never come. I guess congratulations are in order…so I will give them. Congratulations to the Ball-less State and Stan Parrish for shitting up my already fecal filled week. I hope you get cancer. The Ypsilanti Correctional Community College Pigeons look to start a new losing streak as they travel to play Virginia.

Virginia 44 YCCCP 10

7. North Texas (1-6) Last Week #7- I told you they weren’t going to beat FIU. Believe me, it wasn’t a feat of incredible prognostication, it was my extensive knowledge of utterly shitty football teams…and I am currently looking for a therapist to help me out with the self loathing that drives me to doing this weekly countdown. The clock is ticking on Todd Dodge…he’s done. The Mean Gangrene have the week off before they travel to take on Western Kentucky. Expect an announcement of Todd’s termination at the end of the season…or sooner if they lose to the Hillfloppers next week. Secretly, I am pulling for North Texas…can’t have the traditionally drenched WKU team win a game and spoil that long assed losing streak.

8. Memphis (1-6) Last Week #8- Ahh, Memphis. Synonymous with music, BBQ, muggings, murder, cheating at basketball, and incredibly shitty football. It seems Larry Porter may have changed his mind about Memphis during this season. I cannot write it any better than this…so I’ll just let Larry tell you in his own words how he felt about taking the Memphis job:

‘‘The Memphis job is the perfect job, in a perfect place, for me,’’ Porter said. ‘‘I understand the Memphis brand. I believe in it unconditionally. I have a conviction, a passion about it, and a vision that allows me to walk into homes (of recruits) in this community, to talk to the student body, the faculty, and get them to believe in that vision simply because I’m motivated to get this program to the next level.’’

Now let’s ask Larry how he feels now:

“This was the biggest fucking mistake I have ever made. What the fuck was I thinking? This place sucks. Tommy West was a miracle worker to get this sack of shit program to 5 bowl games in 9 years. I knew I should not have listened to Jeff Jagodzinzki’s career advice.”

Memphis has a bye before hosting Houston next week.

9. Washington State (1-6) Last Week #10- I gave them the #10 mojo spot…and they failed. Maybe it was a self-fulfilling prophecy or I really need to stop smoking dope when I pen the Not So Top 10. Either way, Wazzu is not the shittiest team out there. Paul Wulff will be shitcanned this season regardless, but the players will be too high to give a shit or even notice. I mean, what else is there to do in Pullman besides a rousing game of “Guess Where My Finger Has Been” or “Guess How Many Pot Plants I have in My Apartment”? It certainly isn’t the football team that is the epicenter of entertainment there. They take on Stanford this week. I wonder how it feels to lose to an Ivy League type school. Maybe we should just call the Cougars the “Adams Atoms” after they get bested this week by a bunch of nerds.

Stanford 55 Wazzu 12

10. Florida (4-3) Last Week Fucking Useless- Yes they belong here and no I am not a spoiled Gator fan from the 90’s. This team sucks…and it really isn’t the players that are to blame. The entire coaching staff is a cluster fuck. The wide receivers have Terry Shiavo arms, the offensive line has more holes in it than Tupoc and Biggie Smalls combined, and don’t even get me started about the play calling. That “leaflet” of a playbook is a fucking joke. Same four fucking plays…Stevie Wonder could guess what the next play will be. Thankfully, they have a bye this week…but the Bye will average 5 yards per carry, sack Brantley 17 times, and stuff the same predictable four plays, and Urban will come out and say that Addazio is doing a fine job. What the fuck ever! Seriously, if they do not use this week to right the ship and come out next week and beat Georgia, Florida can look forward to darker days, because there is a bunch of unrest on the team and Urban is losing his team. So, I am giving my Gators the mojo this week to get it turned around.

Coming Soon: Ball-less State (they should really be in there already, but I am pissed at Florida), Bowling Green, Central Michigan, Ted Roof, Willy Robinson, Wyoming, UNLV, Colorado State, The rest of the Sun Belt conference sans Troy, The rest of the SEC East, Marshall, UAB, and Tulane.

See you next week for The Greek’s Halloween Special!

 *** This site is intended for mature, knowledgeable, true fans of college football. If you are easily offended by homer opinions, strong language, brutal honesty, tasteless humor, PAC 10 pillow fights, or visor throwing-this isn’t the site for you. We here at TBDPITL are incapable of being sympathetic and politically correct, so strap on a pair and check your sensitive feelings at the door.