Alert the Attorneys

This isn’t going to be pretty. But before I take a page from Jeff Jagodzinzki’s Career Advancement Handbook, I would like to acknowledge one tough mother fucker. Virginia Tech offensive lineman and all around bad ass Greg Nosal lost the tip of his finger when it got mashed between two helmets. It literally popped off. Doctors found the finger tip in his glove, and the team surgeon gave Greg the option of going to the hospital right then and getting it sewn back on, or he could put it on ice and Greg could continue you to play. Greg put that bitch on ice and played until the game was secured for the Hokies, and then went to the hospital and got his digit reattached. So The Greek would like to award Greg Nosal with the first ever Joan River’s Labia Toughness Award. Great job Greg!

Alright, G8rSweetie, get the lawyers ready…

So here I am, ready to pen the Not So Top 10, my anger from the last two weeks subsiding with every moment of acceptance that my beloved Florida Gators are just north of being garbage this season, and then one of our fine members (Crimson2007) posts an article from Gregg Doyel. Yes, this cock-munching hack sits on high, spewing his dribble and stealing a paycheck, and this time, CBS cannot stop me from ripping this douche nozzle apart. So follow along in your play book kiddies…

Duh-oyel writes:

“Florida coach Urban Meyer, who let talented touchdown-maker Chris Rainey return to practice this week -- one month after Rainey threatened his girlfriend's life -- talks about players like family. They're his children. His sons. In real life, of course, Urban Meyer has a son of his own, and he has two daughters. And so, for a change, I want him to think about this:

Don't think of Chris Rainey as his son.

Think of Chris Rainey's girlfriend as his daughter.”

First of all Doyel…who the fuck are you to demand anything from Urban Meyer? Do you think Meyer loses sleep wondering what you are going to write about him? But as I read further, it became clear as to why you think you have any right to suggest what Meyer should think.

 

Duh-oyel continues:

“Is Chris Rainey back at practice this week if he'd sent that to Meyer's daughter?

We'll never know, and good for that. I don't wish ill will on Meyer or his family, but I do wish the single most visible man at Florida -- my alma mater, if you didn't know -- would stop embarrassing UF grads like me who wonder why he's considered such a strong leader when in reality he's weak. Soft. Pathetic.”

Doyel, the only thing soft is your head, oh, and that tired, shriveled up piece of flesh between your legs that should have been taken down to the ASPCA and been mercifully put down years ago before you had the chance to reproduce. You want Urban to stop embarrassing UF graduates like yourself? Listen jacktard, we (UF, their fans, players, and coaching staff) don’t claim you. We don’t want you associated with us. You are about as useful and talented as that miserable fuck Mike Bianchi of the Orlando Sentinel Bird Cage Liner.

Duh-oyel blathers on:

“Meyer cares only about winning games, and if he'd stand there and tell the world, "I care only about winning games," then I could live with it. I'd still be embarrassed that a dangerous cretin like Chris Rainey was allowed to represent my school so soon after telling a woman that it was time to die, b-tch -- but I could live with Meyer being true to who Meyer is, which is a cutthroat coach concerned not with his players or his university, but with his career winning percentage and the $24 million contract that comes with it.”

Where to start on this one…Let’s go with “dangerous cretin like Chris Rainey”. Really? Chris made an error in judgment in the “heat of passion”. You mean to tell me that you never blurted out “I love you” to your boyfriend as he was sending you into the throws of ecstasy while yanking the gerbil out of your ass during your “experimental” phase in college? You didn’t mean it…and neither did Chris. Next, you call Urban a “cutthroat coach not concerned with his players or university, but with his career winning percentage and $24 million contract”. Once again, you are so far from the truth, the shine off of your retreating hairline can’t even illuminate it enough for it to be seen. What about Marcus Thomas? You know, the guy Urban kicked off the team in 2006…in the HEAT of a BCS title run, before the SEC title game? Or how about Avery Atkins? That kids death still haunts Urban to this day. Urban booted him for domestic violence and even tried to reach out to the kid AFTER he was kicked off the team. You neglect to mention that. Selective memory is a bitch.

Now Duh-oyel thinks he’s a bad ass:

“Instead of being honest, though, Meyer resorts to empty talk about "core values" and meaningless blather that Rainey continues to "pay a price" and must "follow guidelines," but in the meantime Meyer is "disappointed" that one of the fastest players in his program told a b-tch that it was time to die.

What if that b-tch was your daughter, Urban? What then? “

15 seconds. No, it’s not how long your athletic career lasted in first grade when you got blasted in that ugly punam of yours and quit sports altogether. 15 seconds is how long you’d last even inferring that Urban Meyer’s daughter was a bitch, metaphorically or not. I’d fucking pay money to see you face to face with Meyer and run that line of trash by him.

If you want to read the rest of his fucking pabulum puking dribble, go to CBS…because I am not even giving that fuckhead the courtesy of a link. Fuck him.

I am going to leave you with the last part of this waterhead’s bogosity:

“On the field, Meyer has other core values. I'm not playing with words, either. This is what Meyer said Monday, bemoaning his team's offensive struggles:

"The lack of explosive plays," he said, which "were something we set a trademark for around here. We're void of those right now. We're not having those home-run shots. [That] and, obviously, taking care of the football ... those are the core values of our program on how to win a game."

What we have here is a collision of core values. Last month Chris Rainey told a woman it was "time to die" -- but Rainey also has four career runs of at least 60 yards, and three others of 33 yards or longer.

Respect for women vs. explosive plays.

You see which core value matters more at Florida.

Urban Meyer is a bad guy, man. He's a bad guy. “

Sooo, the man answers a question about his struggling offense, and you try to correlate it to Rainey’s reinstatement, almost as if you want us to believe that it was the SOLE reason he allowed Rainey back. How about second chances? What if you were fired for every stupid, worthless article you wrote, or every time you made a mistake? You’d be working with Jim Gray.

Doyel, your father should have pulled out and your mom should have been a better aim with a coat-hanger.

And while I am still good and pissed:

Fuck Michael Strahan and Subway. It took me several years to actually trust Subway to make a halfway edible sandwich; I am certainly not ready to play intestinal roulette with their new breakfast menu. That gap-toothed Neanderthal asks “You know what makes me wake up in the morning?” I’m thinking, “for me it’s my fucking annoying alarm clock or the muffled struggles and pleas for help by the hitchhiker I have hog-tied and gagged and saving her for later in the hope chest at the foot of my bed.” It sure as fuck isn’t breakfast at Subway; which is what bellowed out from between the gap in his teeth that reminds me of Amy Winehouse’s canyon between her skank perambulators. I am sorry, but when I think of breakfast, I don’t think of lettuce, tomato, egg whites, and fucking chibata bread. I think of some greasy spoon in the South, a big fat guy in a wife beater and paper hat, an apron that looks like a prop used in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, using lard from an unknown animal species to grease up the grill. I want it all; the grits, the ham, the bacon, the sausage gravy and biscuits, the home fires, the eggs, the hotcakes, and the cane syrup. I want to feel the sensations in my legs die out from the diabetes setting in with every bite. I want my arteries and colon to clog simultaneously. Give me the cholesterol platter special, you can keep that Subway gerbil food breakfast bullshit.

Now, onto the Not So Top 10….

 

 1. Eastern Michigan (0-6) Last Week #1- Ron English may be the worst head coach in history; 0-18 so far in his year and a half at Ypsilanti Correctional Community College. You figure he’d have gotten Les Miles Lucky at least once. But alas, he may not win a game for the Pigeons. Exhibit F, if it pleases the court, I give you the 52-6 ass whipping handed to Ron by Radio Caldwell and Vanderbilt. The Pigeons were held to just 209 total yards and 3-15 on third down conversions. Enough said. I am very close to renaming the Tyrone Willingham Trophy.  They go on the road to face the Ball-less State House of Cards. Make it 0-19.

 

Ball State 34 YCCCP 20

 

2. New Mexico (0-6) Last Week #3- How the fuck do you lose to New Mexico State? You do if you are The Low Blows and coached by Mike Boom Boom Locksley. You lost to an Aggonies team that could only manage 38 yards passing and 206 total yards. Absolutely pathetic. Locksley is done and New Mexico can go out and find another Zook disciple to come and continue ruining their already shitty and worthless program. Mercifully, the Low Blows have next week off.

 

3. Western Kentucky (0-5) Last Week #4- Congrats to the Hillfloppers for giving FIU their first win of the season. The Fighting Feminine Hygiene Products actually played a decent game…but they still suck out loud and haven’t won a game in 25 tries. Better make sure your mascot…the Vaginal Blood Fart…is cheering hard, Ron English and the Pigeons are hot on your trail. Next up, the Hillfloppers host La-Monroe…make that 26 in a row.

 

ULM 27 WKU 17

 

4. Akron (0-6) Last Week #5- Nothing says you belong in the Not So Top 10 like losing to the Kent State Golden Flushes…oh, and being winless helps. What are the chances of Akron winning a game this year you ask? Zip. Akron faces in state rival Ohio this week, not that anybody cares. I mean, if an Akron fan called the suicide hotline (normally reserved for Indians, Browns, and Cavs fans) they would be put on hold. Ohio will help Akron to 0-7.

 

Ohio 23 Akron 13

 

5. New Mexico State (1-4) Last Week #2- The Aggonies won! Enjoy it, it will be the only one you get this year. Your team sucks worse than Steve Addazio’s play calling…and New Mexico. Any Akron fan that can read want to give out that suicide hotline number? This week the unwatchable beating of the Aggonies will be brought to you by the fine folks from Fresno State.

 

Fresno State 60 NMSUCK 3

 

6. San Jose State (1-5) Last Week NR- You suck and you will continue to suck. I just don’t have it in me to write anything about these guys. This week, playing the part of Milidan Kovacevic to San Jose State’s Bryan Steinhauer will be Boise State. Look it up for a laugh…

 

Boise State 77 San Jose State 5 months in a coma

 

7. North Texas (1-5) Last Week NR- Todd Dodge is back in the NST 10. I mean, I just had to get him back here before he gets fired, and that makes me happier than a sissy with a bag full of dicks. The Mean Gangrene lost to Arkansas State, but have a chance to get their second win of the season against visiting FIU this week. Ain’t gonna happen…

 

FIU 27 North Texas 13

 

8. Memphis (1-5) Last Week NR- Charlie Strong and Louisville dusted the Memphis 56-0, holding the Tigers to just 39 yards rushing for the contest. Shit, Louisville compiled 380 yards in the first half and finished with 574. Notice how I am talking about Louisville even though this is supposed to be about Memphis. That should speak volumes. Another thing that speaks volumes, Louisville almost eclipsed Memphis’ total points this season (Total Points in 2010 for Memphis: 61). They host Southern Miss this week.

 

Southern Miss 34 Memphis 12

 

9. Rice (1-5) Last Week NR- Welcome back to the NST 10 to the Rice Bowels. After a 3 week absence, the Bowels come floating back to the top like a very buoyant turd that just won’t flush. Rice is being outscored by an average of 14 points per game. They face Houston this week in a “rivalry” game, which is comparable to my morning bathroom ritual being Houston, and Rice being the toilet. The toilet never wins.

 

Houston 30 Rice 10

 

10. Washington State (1-5) Last Week #8- “We signed our LOI’s…but then we got high. We tried to play football…but then we got high. We can’t fucking win a conference game…and know we know why…because we got high, because we got high, because we got high. La-da-dida-duda-da-da”

 

To tell you the truth, I am giving the Cougars the mojo spot…because I got high…because their ain’t no way they beat Arizona.

 

Arizona 27 Wazzu 23

 

Gone but not forgotten:  Duke,  Dennis Dodd,  FIU, Tennessee, Georgia, Florida,  Fuck Steve Addazio, FAU, La-Monroe, Kent State, Western Michigan, and Bowling Green

 

See you next week, maybe I’ll be less pissed off.

 

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