Cornucopia of Crappiness

 

  Just a word of caution before you read any further, the Greek is actually pretty pissed right now, and as you will see, the venom is at its highest concentration right now. For example, Mrs. Greek informs me there was a shooting in Gainesville today (Monday). She read the news report to me, and all I could respond with was “Too bad Steve Addazio was not among those shot.” That’s the way this weekend of football made me feel, and it only goes downhill from here, so I am giving you a heads up…run while you can.

  Cornucopia of Crappiness, that is what this football weekend seemed like for me. A giant, fecal filled cannoli with the pastry made out of the flakes of skin sloughed off of a homeless chick’s inner thighs that have not seen a hygiene product in twenty years. A shit filled Twinkie the size of Hoboken, New Jersey, if you will, and with every nut and corn filled bite I took of it, I just got angrier and angrier. I try not to use the Not So Top 10 platform as a place to air my displeasures with my Gator program or use it as a place to brag on the Boys from Old Florida, but this week…I just have to.

  Steve Addazio, your play calling stinks worse than the dumpster outside of a strip mall that houses a seafood restaurant, abortion clinic, and paper mill. My dog leaves tightly coiled piles in the lawn that can scheme better than you can. I don’t know what kind of horse tranquilizers the doctors have Urban Meyer on, but they are obviously impairing his ability to see how fucking terrible, to borrow a nickname from TBDPITL member TonytheGator, “NoDazzleO” is as our offensive coordinator. I was borderline suicidal on Saturday night, then I stopped and thought…well…at least I am not a Georgia fan.

  But Addazio wasn’t the only one dropping logs that you need to break up with a coat hanger to flush in to my crap filled crepe.  Earlier, I watched that bumble-fuck Les Miles have luck shine on his sorry ass yet again, winning a game he had no right to. Les has been practicing victory larceny since he got to LSU. His clock management skills are as nonexistent as Miley Cyrus’ hymen after an evening with TeddyDupay (although I am willing to bet the house that her snatch seal has been previously torn asunder). The only thing more comical was the fact the Les was outdueled by Enis Dooley. I guess “cypherin’” is pretty tough with your shoes on and the game on the line, because if Enis could have had his shoes off, maybe he would not have had 13 men on the fucking field for the last play of the game. Maybe the Math Department at Knoxville can run it through their computers to help Enis out next week against Georgia. He definitely won’t need 13 men on a play to stop the Bulldogs…hell…he may not even need 11.

  As if it wasn’t bad enough that my Gators got steamrolled by Alabama, I had to sit through it and listen to Vern and Gary verbally slurping Saban’s monster football cock, while working the shaft with one hand and squeezing his hairy beanbag with the other. At one point, the interception returned for a touchdown by Alabama, I thought Danielson actually ejaculated in the booth…on air…when as the Alabama defender was on his way to the end zone, he let out a groan of joy that was so  deep and guttural…almost sounding like he was a female tennis player serving the ball. They also have seem to have found a suitable replacement for Tebow’s media penis, which the two of them used as a pacifier much like a teen at a rave on his tenth hit of ecstasy. Vern and Gary will bring up any excuse to talk about McElroy. Since when is a players high school record news worthy? I mean, I haven’t shit my pants since I was 3 years old, should I put that on my resume?

  So I sit down to write this edition of the Not So Top 10, and I start writing down shitty team after shitty team. Before you know it, I had 6 teams that were still winless and 21 teams that had only 1 victory. That’s roughly 20% of the teams participating in the FCS that are Not So Top 10 worthy, and I get to filter through every one of them. It is not an envious position my friends. I know most of you think being a gynecologist would be a dream job. But imagine looking at foul smelling snooches, fat poons, shot out cooters with labia resembling worn saddlebags, and the like all day for a living. It would definitely take the luster out of eating at the “Y” if you know what I mean. Amazingly enough, my determination is unwavering, and I fight through the yeast infected football vaginas every week, to perform my sworn duty and bring to you the Not So Top 10. Just think of me as your Monistat7 of bad football teams. So sit carefully on the toilet with your legs spread and feet planted on the wall, make sure the patented applicator is screwed tightly on to the tube, gently insert, slowly squeeze out the medication while withdrawing the patented applicator, repeat for the next 5 to 7 days, follow up applications may be necessary, if the problem persists you may need to see your doctor, and enjoy the Not So Top 10 for week 5.

 

**Special Note- An unprecedented occurrence 6 of the 10 teams ranked in the Not So Top 10 play each other THIS WEEK! So, I have decided to do a brief game preview in lieu of and individual write up for these teams.

 

The Greek’s Ghastly Gangrenous Game of the Week

#1 Eastern Michigan (0-5) at #10 Vanderbilt (1-4)

Tale of the Tape

	Offense	Defense	Points For	Points Against
	93rd	112th	96th	116th
	104th	80th	107th	76th

 

What to look for: The remote control to change the channel. Radio Caldwell and Ron English are going at it for “The Redneck Baby in the Well” Trophy because both of these guys are in over their heads. Ron English is 0-17, and Radio Caldwell is 1-4. Looks like chalking the practice field makes you a better coach than Ron. The Commodes get the mojo spot this week mostly because I would not know what to do with myself if the Ypsilanti Correctional Community College Pigeons actually won a game. However, Vanderbilt has been notorious for choking in these games like a teen runaway with a cleft pallet at a porn audition. They are 26 point favorites, and it would not surprise me one bit to see the Commodes flush this opportunity and destroy my hopes for the perfect winless season for the Pigeons. There’s no way in hell the Commodes cover that spread, but I do look for them to win the game.

Vanderbilt 37 Eastern Michigan 29

 

#3 New Mexico (0-5) at #2 New Mexico State (0-4)

Tale of the Tape

	Offense	Defense	Points For	Points Against
	118th	116th	117th	120th
	116th	120th	118th	119th

 

What to look for: The nearest sharp object to gouge out your eyes, or just invite Brandon Spikes to come watch the game with you. Regardless of your choice, this game is going to be ultra bad. The FCC could shut the telecast down for violating their “fecal” policy, because I promise you this will be the shittiest game you have ever watched. The Low Blows are pretty bad under Mike Locksley, but this may be one he can’t even fuck up. New Mexico State is just fuck awful. This is the case where stats can be misleading, as the Aggonies edge the Low Blows in almost every statistic and they are 4 point favorites in Las Cruces. The difference, and it is a fucking shame that I can say I actually watched these two play several times this year as it says how truly sad my life is at times,  is that the Low Blows are better defensively. As a matter of fact, the Aggonies are the worst defensive team in the country, but that doesn’t mean that this will be a shoot out either. I like the Low Blows in a snoozefest.

New Mexico 17 New Mexico State 13

 

#4 Western Kentucky (0-4) at #6 FIU (0-4)

Tale of the Tape

	Offense	Defense	Points For	Points Against
	107th	109th	109th	118th
	82nd	67th	97th	103rd

 

What to look for: Heavy narcotics. This will either make you pass out and you’ll miss the game entirely, or you’ll hallucinate and the game would possibly be entertaining at that point. This has all the makings of a blow out. FIU has actually been competitive, yet they remain winless and a resident of the Not So Top 10. The Hillfloppers are pathetic, and I have finally figured out what I would name their mascot: Vaginal Blood Fart. Aside from taking horrible pot shots like that at the Western Kentucky “football program”, I have accidentally watched several of their games this season, and their defense is about as bad as porn acting. I call it the “Terry Schiavo” scheme…you know…where the defenders just sit still and stare off into space, occasionally drooling. (And while I was thinking up that last line, I finally figured out what nickname I am going to bestow on FIU…Frequently Inept University.) FIU is an early 10 point favorite, but I would not be surprised for it to grow to 14 by week’s end. I also expect FIU to fully cover that spread…and then some.

Florida International 31 Western Kentucky 13

 

We now resume the countdown of incredibly shitty teams in its normal format…

 

#5.  Akron (0-5) Last Week #4- The Zips got stomped 50-14, but they were penalized a spot for putting up a fight for the first quarter. Keep screwing around like that and then the next thing you know, you’re competitive for 2 quarters, then 3, and then you fuck around and win a game and you blow your shot at the perfect winless season. Their match up with Kent State could have made it a fourth game featuring teams from the poll, but Kent State is just not shitty enough to be ranked. Plus, I have to have room for Georgia. Anyway, the Zips will get beaten this weekend by the Golden Flushes…but it will be close.

Kent State 24 Akron 21

#7.  Duke (1-4) Last Week #6- The Spew Devils almost pulled off an upset against Maryland. I don’t know if you could say it was a good effort by Duke or more of a condemnation of Maryland’s skill level. Duke moves down a spot as their reward, and in turn, the football gods reward us by giving the Spew Devils a bye week. After that, it is back to the old grind of playing underachieving football and getting your heads kicked in for Duke. They play the Miami Hurricanes, and depending on what happens to the Canes in the FSU game, this could have the “can’t miss, epic beating, full of highlights, none of which are Duke” label written all over it. Maybe during the off week they could have a rubber match between the lacrosse team and Crystal Gail Mangum.

Duke Athletics 1 Skanky Lying Whore Scamming Stripper 1

#8. Washington State (1-4) Last Week #7- There may be no other major FBS program more forgettable than Washington State. Maybe that’s why Paul Wulff is still employed? Could the AD just have “forgotten” about the football team and that they actually had a head coach? Hell, even the players forgot they were Washington State last week against UCLA…well, for three quarters anyway. Up 28-2o in the second half, the Cougs remembered who they were and forgot how to tackle. They gave up 437 yards rushing and eventually lost to UCLA 42-28. What is making me sicker by the moment is the very real possibility that Robb Akey could return to Pullman as the head coach. Life just isn’t fair. This week, Wazzu hosts Oregon…need I say more?

Oregon 63 Washington State 21

#9. Georgia (1-4) Last Week #10- Well, well, well. Georgia’s on my mind and in the Not So Top 10 for the second straight week. Those mangy dogs disrespected the mojo spot and lost to Dan Hawkins and the Colorado Buffaloes. All I have been hearing from the Georgia faithful is “Wait until we get AJ Green back. You’ll see a different Georgia team!” Well, unless Green can play defense, we’ll be seeing the same old shitty Bulldog team. I wonder how much you can get for AJ’s jersey on Ebay after this game? If Mark Richt’s seat was warm before this game, that mother fucker is a raging inferno now, and it’s going to take more than couple of bags of ice to keep UGA Whatevernumbertheyareon cool from that heat. PETA has protested and Georgia has give in to the demand that that flea bitten mongrel be provided with a blind fold this weekend so he doesn’t have to be forced to watch Enis Dooley and the Vols pound Georgia “twixt the hedges” this weekend.

Tennessee 27 (men on the field) Georgia 10 (fumbles)

And I wasn’t kidding about a cornucopia of crappiness. Here are the other qualifiers for the NST 10:

Minnesota (1-4), San Jose State (1-4), BYU (1-4), La-Monroe (1-3), Colorado State (1-4), Kent State (1-3), Western Michigan (1-3), Bowling Green (1-4), Florida Atlantic (1-3), Memphis (1-4), Rice (1-4),  North Texas (1-4), UNLV (1-4), and Louisiana Tech (1-4)

I’ll see you next week!

 

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