Turning that Bitch Up to Eleven!

Nigel Tufnel: The numbers all go to eleven. Look, right across the board, eleven, eleven, eleven and...
Marty DiBergi: Oh, I see. And most amps go up to ten?
Nigel Tufnel: Exactly.
Marty DiBergi: Does that mean it's louder? Is it any louder?
Nigel Tufnel: Well, it's one louder, isn't it? It's not ten. You see, most blokes, you know, will be playing at ten. You're on ten here, all the way up, all the way up, all the way up, you're on ten on your guitar. Where can you go from there? Where?
Marty DiBergi: I don't know.
Nigel Tufnel: Nowhere. Exactly. What we do is, if we need that extra push over the cliff, you know what we do?
Marty DiBergi: Put it up to eleven.
Nigel Tufnel: Eleven. Exactly. One louder.
Marty DiBergi: Why don't you just make ten louder and make ten be the top number and make that a little louder?
Nigel Tufnel: [pause] These go to eleven.

Looking back at last week’s Not So Top 10, I immediately started thinking “How in the hell do I top that?”  Maybe I could wear a meat outfit that barely covers my balls? I mean, Lady Gaga did basically the same thing, and I swear I saw her sack…or it could have been her stretched out and very well worn labia. I could set my genitalia on fire and put it on youtube, but nobody wins there. Except maybe Mrs. Greek, not having me pogostick around her due to a scorched scrotum would probably be a reprieve for her.

After last week, I must step up my game. So I am turning this bitch up to 11. How do you ask? Well, let’s start with the Big 10…er…11…er…12 Network and their fuck awful announcers. Holy shit they are terrible. Ben Stein, Henry Kissinger, and Boomhauer from King of the Hill could announce paint drying with more excitement than these abortions. Another question, who the fuck are their “spotters”? From all the wrong numbers and players credited for plays, I would swear the spotters were Ronnie Milsap and Stevie Wonder…that is when they are not busy spotting for CBS.

Sometimes, stepping up your game inspiration comes from television. The other evening, Mrs. Greek and I were getting ready to do business, and we were looking for something to have on the TV to drown out my screams. Lo and behold, we saw “100 Orgasms” on the guide airing on the Discovery Health Channel (you know, one of the 634 useless channels that we have INSTEAD of the NFL Network…fuck BrightHouse!). I figured maybe we could “watch” that, and just maybe there might be something in that show I could learn, although it was highly doubtful. So, we settle in, and let me tell you, the Discovery Health Channel is more depressing than Gator fans watching the 1995 Fiesta Bowl. It wasn’t about giving 100 Orgasms…no…it was about these 3 women who suffer from Persistent Genital Arousal Disorder. It is also call Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome, but PGAD (Pee-Gahd) sounds better than PSAS (Piss-Ass). These women diddle their man in the boat 24/7. That would be hot…if any of them were worth looking at…but damn…they were some ugly bitches! Why can’t hot women suffer from this instead of chicks that have the uterine flap of fat that covers their snooch? And when I wasn’t being repulsed with the physical appearance of these women, their stories were really sad…if I had feelings that is. It seems to affect their self esteem, their relationships, and their ability to live a normal life. I would think that their excess fat and aesthetic impairment would have killed the relationships…not the need to slap the lap flounder all the time.

So I decided to go the rout of Spinal Tap and turn this bitch up to eleven. Eleven horrible teams in the Not So Top 10 this week, and you have no idea how difficult it was just to get down to 11. Of the 25 teams considered, their combined record is 18-72. It’s enough to make you want to punch a kitten. But once again, The Greek perseveres and brings you the Not So Top 10…er…11 for week #4. So kick back, turn the volume up to eleven, avoid the Discovery Health Channel, grab a kitten, and enjoy the NST 10!

1. Eastern Michigan (0-4) Last Week #1- So is there any doubt Ron English may be the worst head coach in the history of football? Ypsilanti Correction Community College got curb stomped 73-20 by the Ohio State Buckeyes. Yes, a loss was expected, but to rollover on your backs like Lindsay Lohan trying to get some contraband in the joint from Mimi “Knuckles” Rodriguez is inexcusable. 0 for 16. That is Ron’s record since he took over the Pigeons. If he keeps this pace, I may have to rename the NST 10 Championship Trophy. Somewhere, Ty Willingham is laughing. They host Ohio this weekend.

Ohio 23 YCCCP 17

2. New Mexico (0-4) Last Week #4- The Low-Blows continued their exercise in futility known as the 2010 season by providing UNLV with their first win. Here’s something really damning though…Mike Locksley got his start in coaching as a running backs coach…yet his team is ranked 111 in rushing offense. That will look great on his resume when he and former boss Ron Zook are looking for new jobs in 2011. However, let’s look at the cup as half full…Larry Merchant just informed that Boom Boom Locksley has a power punch landing percentage of 100%. This week is the Hooters and Haymaker Bowl as Coach Price and UTEP pay a visit to the black hole of college football.

UTEP 35 New Mexico 13 (and there will be a shortage in one dollar bills in Albuquerque)

3. New Mexico State (0-3) Last Week #7- The Aggonies let the Kansas Jayhawks walk all over them to the tune of 42-16. Yes, the same team that lost to North Dakota State and could only manage a field goal against the FCS “powerhouse” rolled up 501 yards of offense and 42 points against DeWyane Walker’s Atrophic Aggonies. Almost enough to make you want to call up Braylon Edward’s and make a beer run, eh DeWayne? This week, they host Boise State, and if you want help making a prediction, look at this: NMSU ranks 114 in points for and 114 in points against. Boise State is going to score more than Wilt Chamberlain at a nymphomaniac convention.

Boise State 77 NMSUCK 0

4. Akron (0-4) Last Week #5- Moving up a spot are the Zips. Indiana pounded the Zips 35-20, and Akron’s secondary made Ben Chappell look like fucking Joe Montana. This is a disturbing trend for the Zips, and their fans have responded. I was looking for Akron’s fan site, and I found GoZips.com…however, it wasn’t a fan site, it was request from the state of Ohio and the MAC for the Zips to actually just leave. Go figure. This week, the Zips host Northern Illinois, and honestly, I don’t think Akron is near as good as Minnesota…even with Tim Brewster as head coach.

Northern Illinois 47 Akron 20

5. Western Kentucky (0-4) Last Week #6- Holy shit! The Hillfloppers actually showed a pulse in their 24-12 loss to South Florida. Too bad it doesn’t take away from the fact that this “proud program full of winning traditions” has lost 24 straight games. They are the fucking LA Clippers of college football. The Fighting Feminine Hygiene Products and their fans need to consider moving back down to the FCS once they get the Title IX thing sorted out. Maybe they could drop football altogether and form a men’s bull milking team and give scholarships out for that. This week is a bye week before they travel to God’s waiting room (South Florida) to play potentially winless FIU (they play the Porn Stache and the Pitt Panthers this week, so anything is possible)…but I’ll tell you…FIU will extend that streak to 25.

Bye Week 54 WKU 0

6. Duke (1-3) Last Week NR- Ah, the Puke Spew Devils make an appearance in the Not So Top 10. It’s been 2 years since they have graced this countdown. How bad are they? Here’s a post from a Duke fan from a “rival” site:

 “It’s horrible to be a Duke fan, and this year’s team is brutal. I think I should do all my Blue Devil friends a favor and call Crystal Gail Mangum and see if she wants to host a party for the football team!”

I hate it when fuckers are funnier than me. Army led Duke 35-7 going into the fourth quarter. That’s the football equivalent of being raped by a Lacrosse team. This week, Puke travels to play Maryland, and it will be ugly…mother-in-law ugly.

Maryland 56 Duke 17

7. Washington State (1-3) Last Week #9- When you make Lane Kiffin look like an offensive genius, you belong in the Not So top 10. Southern Cal rolled Wazzu, making Lane Kiffin only the fifth USC coach to start his career 4-0. They gave up over 600 yards of offense to USC, and they made Jabba the Orgeron look like he knew how to coach a defensive line as the Cougars could only manage 67 yards on the ground. Now they get ready to face UCLA, who’s coming fresh off of the fisting they gave to Texas. Getting beaten by Wazzu would be like losing a bet on who has the biggest schlong with a unic.

UCLA 48 Wazzu 20

8. Ball State (1-3) Last Week NR- The Ball-less State House of Cards are back in the NST 10. 8 first downs, 56 yards passing, and 56 yards rushing is all that Ball-less State could manage against Iowa this week. The only thing worse than the House of Cards in that game were the Iowa uniforms. Those were brutal, yet a nice distraction from the ineptitude that is Stan Parrish and his “football” team. Now Ball-Less State gets ready to pay a visit to Central Michigan to play the Chippewas. Look for more first downs, more yards rushing, more yards passing, and yet another loss for the House of Cards.

Central Michigan 41 Ball-Less State 10 (first downs that is…)

9. Florida International (0-3) Last Week NR- FIU, which stands for Fucking Inept University, has played some decent football. They pushed Texas A&M to the limits, gave Rutgers all the wood they could chop, and they hung with Maryland for 3 quarters. Not bad for a team where there are more gun shots in the area than there are fans in the stadium. But, they are still winless, and that will definitely get you into the NST 10. They’ll have a chance to climb out of the rankings when they play at Pittsburgh. I think they win it…because…in the immortal words of my good buddy Goose…”Fuck Pitt!”

FIU 23 Fuck Pitt 20

10. Georgia (1-3) Last Week NR- The last time Georgia was 0-3 in the SEC, Vern Lundquist could make his fleshy wind sock stand at attention without the aid of a little blue pill or two popsicle sticks and duct tape. For all those Dawg fans that scoffed at folks who said Mark Richt’s seat was hot…can you smell the smoke now? I would rank Georgia a little higher in the NST 10, but I just had to give them the mojo spot this week due to the fact they are playing that should have been abortion Dan Hawkins and the Colorado Buffaloes. With the mojo, not even Washaun Ealey’s fumbles or Marck Richt’s terrible coaching can prevent a win.

Ugly UGA 27 Colorado 20

11. Minnesota (1-3) Last Week NR- Yeah, I had to list 11 teams because of the Golden Goofers. When you are a BCS conference team and you lose to an FCS school and MAC school at home, not only should you be kicked out of that conference, your coach should be filing for unemployment. A nice new stadium for Minnesota only proves one thing. You can’t polish a turd, all it does is get warm and runny and dribbles through your fingers. Northwestern comes to town, and they are bringing the coat hanger to break up what remains of Minnesota’s team and flush them.

Northwestern 40 Minnesota 17

Waiting to be flushed: Vanderbilt, Memphis, collection agencies that use automated dialing systems that tell you “please hold for an urgent phonecall” and then it rings for 5 minutes and they put you on hold…fuck you…you folks should be beaten with a rubber hose, Ohio, Rice, North Texas, Bowling Green, Colorado State, Utah State, Wyoming, BYU, Buffalo, San Jose State, stupid beauty pageants that announce the wrong winner…who gives a fuck…here…I have an idea…have them stand on their heads naked…and I’ll give you the winner…there will be no mistakes made!

See you next week folks!