Mail Call

 

In the three years I have been penning The Not So Top 10, I have had a litany of emails. Some are complimentary, and I would share them, but honestly…where’s the fun in that? The ones filled with death threats, insults, and prayers to God to strike me down before I can write another article…those are fun and worth reading. I have a particular female that has taken the task of getting me banned from the internet and probably prays every night to speed up my expiration date. I have shared a few of her emails on our forums here at The Best Damn Poll In The Land, but this one is a true gem.

We’ll call her “Annie Wilkes”. You know, the psycho stalker bitch Kathy Bates played in the movie “Misery”. This is why I don’t jog or go out alone anymore. All I can picture is this feminazi hanging out just down the block, waiting in a cargo van, waiting for me to take my dog for a walk or go check the mail. Then, BOOM…I wake up in a room, with all my NST 10 articles over the last 3 years tacked all over the walls, a 2x12 between my ankles, and this crazy bitch with a laptop in one hand and a sledgehammer in the other leering over me. I am going to get “hobbled” and forced to write nice things. Oh the horror!

 “Annie” has taken offense to everything I have ever written. She has called me everything from a Devil worshiper to a soulless racist. Last week’s NST 10 I thought for sure would illicit an immediate response from her. It took a few days, and I was actually worried that something happened to her…like she was readmitted to the loony bin or the doctor changed her meds. But, this morning, there it was, her email in all its glory. I have never retorted against her in an email, but this one was a special exception. So, I included my responses in bold to each part of her electronic sentiments towards me.

 

“Racist Pig,

(Dear non shaving psycho liberal uptight feminist)

  I see you have chosen another young black male (Chris Rainey) to make fun of in your weekly degradation of society.

(The NST 10 has been called many things, but I like “weekly degradation of society”. You should write for Hallmark.)

Another young black male makes a mistake, and not only do you pounce on it, you use it as an opportunity to degrade even more black men: Nadjeh Davenport, Bobby Brown, Terrelle Pryor, Rick James(and he’s dead for crying out loud!), Rae Carruth, and Steve McNair.

(If you pulled your face out of your diesel dyke lover’s fish market for a second and actually  read the WHOLE article, you would have read that I also included Bill Clinton (not black) and Kurt Cobain (not black and dead).

Even worse, you are glorifying domestic violence against women, and your portrayal of the abuser being solely black is disturbing and unfair.

(Actually, it’s satire. I am in no way glorifying violence against women, but if your girlfriend got pissed at you and decided to bludgeon you with the sperm applicator shaped like Rosie O’Donnell’s knuckles you guys got from the fertility clinic, I would love for you to share the story with me…and pics too!)

And the image of the woman with a ball gag in her mouth and some sort of bondage muzzle, that is disgusting. You really think women enjoy that? Do you think you readers like to see that garbage? Why would you post such an image?

(For starters, what is disgusting to one may be pleasing to many. It’s not disgusting…it’s kind of hot. “Do I really think women like that?” Would I care if I COULD hear them complaining? Hence the ball gag, Einstein. As for my readers enjoying it, they keep coming back, just like you. I think it honestly makes you a little hot. I post images like that for shock value, to illicit readership and to have my readers thinking “Good Lord, what is he going to do next.” Seems to work, even the folks that hate me come back every week. Look at yourself in the mirror the next time you ask a stupid question like that.)

Again, there is very little that can be done to silence you. I just pray that people wake up, and see through your poor attempt at humor is there only to veil your sexist, racist personality. Your jokes make no sense either. What was so funny about:

“What is the difference between a NOW meeting and a trapeze act at the circus?”

 “The trapeze act is a cunning array of stunts.”

(Because it is a play on words. A NOW (National Organization for Women) meeting is a stunning array of cunts. Get it?)

I will continue to pray that God ends your ability to spread your hate across the internet.

(And I will feverishly await your next email, like clockwork.)

Emails like the above make it all worthwhile, because, let’s face it, the shitty football I have to endure every week could make one want to end it all by mainlining some Drain-O. So, obviously, this week’s “theme” if you will, is emails. Messages sent by the fans or fan of the teams that make the Not So Top 10. Just sit back and enjoy, because emails like these make my life so much easier.

 

1. Eastern Michigan (0-3) Last Week #1- “You use the term ‘Pigeon’ as a derogatory nickname for Eastern Michigan. In all actuality, the pigeon is a very intelligent bird, and they have been used by man for communication and even military purposes. You should find something more insulting to use.”- George H., MI

 (If pigeons were so smart, then why do they not fly out of the way of my vehicle? When I worked downtown, the grill of my van looked like the Phnom Penh Killing Field of Pigeons. They have fucking wings, yet try to scurry away from the 2,500lb cargo van bearing down on them. They are rats with wings. Even homeless people won’t eat them.)

The Ypsilanti Community Correctional College Pigeons lost 52-14 to Central Michigan, and they keep their death grip on the #1 spot. Ron English is the worst coach in college football, and the Pigeons will continue to prove that this week as they get smashed by a cargo van with the script “Ohio” on the side.

 Ohio State 67 EMU 0

 2. North Texas (0-3) Last Week NR-“It’s good to see North Texas not in the Preseason Not So Top 10. Looks like Todd finally has HIS team. We should make some noise in the Sun Belt this year!”- Optimistic Earl, TX

 (It only took 3 weeks, and that noise the Mean Gangrene made was a “thud” to the bottom of the college rankings and into the Not So Top 10. And make no mistake Earl, you are correct, this is definitely Todd Dodge’s team!)

The Mean Gangrene got shutout this week…BY ARMY! That’s right, the Cadets held North Texas to 11 first downs and 201 yards of offense. That’s like Verne Troyer keeping Lindsay Lohan out of the 8-ball of Peruvian Bam Bam in his pocket. It’s also bad enough to get you into the NST 10, but that message from Earl was just priceless.

FAU 20 North Texas 13

 

3. Colorado State (0-3) Last Week NR- Amazingly, I have only ranked the Colorado State Lambs one time before in the NST 10. I highly doubt Lambs fans would use email to communicate, they seem more like the “sending smoke signals from over turned burning vehicles” type folks to me. Whatever the case, the Lambs end up here at #3 in this week’s poll. Any time you let Mike Haywoodyafireme and the Deadhawks beat you by 3 touchdowns, you have earned a spot in the NST 10. At 0-3, the Lambs look like they are setting up shop for the rest of the season.

Idaho 34 CSU 17

4. New Mexico (0-3) Last Week #2- “Is that all you have to make fun of Mike Locksley? Really lame. I am sure Mike is the only coach to ever punch an assistant. Get a life you loser!”- Albuquerque, NM

 (Dear Random Fuck, I am the loser? You are still living in fucking New Mexico. The U.S. tried to give it back to Mexico…and they wouldn’t take it. And you are correct; Mike isn’t the only coach to ever punch an assistant. Buddy Ryan threw a haymaker at Kevin Gilbride  on the sidelines of a playoff game in 1994. But again, how does this make Mike Locksley and the New Mexico Low-blows suck any less?)

Utah rolled Boom Boom and the Low-blows 56-14, but North Texas and Colorado State were so pathetic, they knocked the Low-blows down to #4. This week, something has to give. The Low-blows play the Running Retards of UNLV. Both teams are 0-3.

UNLV 3 New Mexico 0

5. Akron (0-3) Last Week #8- “You make fun of a lot of teams and their mascots, but do you ever stop to research the history of their nicknames? I know my football team is not very good, but I am a loyal fan. I thought I would share this with you, so you’ll be a bit more educated and maybe stop snickering every time someone mentions the Akron Zips. January 15, 1926, a contest was held to name the football program. The choices were “Golden Blue Devils, Rubbernecks, Hillbillies, Kangaroos, Cheveliers , and Zippers. Margret Hamlin won the $10 prize offered by the school for Akron selecting the nickname she suggested: “Zippers” (named for a popular shoe invented by Akron’s B.F. Goodrich Company), which was shortened to “Zips” in 1950 by AD Red Cochrane.”- Marion, Akron, OH

(I’ve got nothing. Just hearing the history of your team’s nickname was well worth the read. That, and the fact that you accept that your team sucks is better than anything I could possibly come up with. For the record, I think Hillbillies would have been more fitting.)

After losing to Gardner-Webb, the Zips get clubbed by the Kentucky Mildcats and move their way into the top 5 of the NST 10. They visit the Indiana Hoosiers next week…their chances of winning….zip!

Indiana 49 Akron 7

6. Western Kentucky (0-3) Last Week #3- “You don’t know Jack Shit about football if you do not recognize Western Kentucky as a great program. We won the 1-AA National title in 2002, and had a winning tradition in the Gateway Conference. And our mascot is Big Red, not some used tampon like you claim. Idiot!”- Brad, Bowling Green

 (Congrats on the FCS title! Unfortunately, you joined the FBS, and as of last week, you have lost 22 straight games. And I do know “Jack Shit”, doesn’t he sit on the Board of Regents at WKU? You realize that you are talking smack representing a school that HAD to join the FBS because they were in violation of Title IX? Because they offered too few MEN’S Scholarships! What a fucking joke! Your mascot is Big Red, eh? Funny, that’s what we call my dog’s pecker when he gets all happy. Now that you mention it, the mascot does look like a Big Red Blood Clot, like uterine discharge.)

The Hillfloppers slip a few spots because they actually put forth an effort against Indiana. They only lost 38-21, but don’t let that fool you. They are still shitty. They trailed 31-7 before they scored to make it interesting. Next up, BJ Daniels and the running of the Bulls.

South Florida 55 WKU 17

7. New Mexico State (0-2) Last Week #7- Sadly, I have never received an email from any New Mexico State Aggonies fan. If I had not seen the team with my own eyes, I would have sworn they were made up just to insure one win a season from the rest of the WAC. Also, if there actually had not been a police report filed in the arrest of DeWayne Walker, it would be hard to convince me that NMSU, DeWayne Walker, and the town of Las Cruces ever existed. I would go as far as to say that the Aggonies had a shot at beating a fuck-awful Kansas team…but the Aggonies ain’t no North Dakota State.

Kansas 34 NMSU 6

8. Marshall (0-3) Last Week NR- *special note- this is not from an NST 10 article. This is actually from a Conference Chaos I wrote where I stated “Miami and Florida State are both on the road, so the only thing we can hope for aside from a loss is a couple of plane crashes.”

“What a classless lowlife piece of shit! How could you even joke about something like that? I attended Marshall 67-69. My name is (removed for privacy and legal purposes…I don’t want to get sued). I lost quite a few friends in that crash, and for you to even suggest that there is the slightest bit of humor in what you wrote, you truly are a journalistic parasite.” –We Are Marshall, WV

(Wow! How self centered and egotistical can one person be? Just because I mentioned a plane crash, you naturally have to assume I am taking a stab at Marshall? I have mentioned plane crashes and cannibalism in the same article before, and I did not get one negative response from the Uruguayan National Rugby Team. I did however get a few invitations for dinner. I declined.)

Marshall is pretty shitty, but they have a semi decent head coach in Doc Holiday. But coaching Marshall could make you wish you would die of consumption…soon. This week is a winnable one, but the Smoldering Turds will blow it.

Ohio 21 Marshall 20

9. Washington State (1-2) Last Week NR- This one I don’t need to set it up because he does all the work for me. This is left unedited, and there may be some very offensive language to some, but I did place some punctuation to help with the deciphering. I offer no apologies because I am not the author:

“you fuckin fagg! you gots some balls talking about the idaho an wazzu rivalrie bein over a faggity french hand bag. The battle of the palouse is a proud game between us and them, you callin us some gay bitchs an makin fun of our game. I bet you are a fagg an I would punch you in your fagg face!”- Mad Mark, Pullman

(First of all, try some capitalization and punctuation. Spell Check works as well and is an option with most email services. I realize the Palouse is not a gay, French hand bag. It is a fertile piece of agricultural land (that means “farmin’ land”) that both Moscow and Pullman occupy. Lastly, your Cougars lead the series 70-18-3. That is fucking FAR from a rivalry. And I thought they only lynched and dragged gay people behind their trucks in Wyoming...)

Actually, Wazzu played a good half of football, but choked like two Siamese twins joined at the mouth and one has the stomach flu in the second half. Their lone win was a one point narrow escape from FCS Montana State. They host USC this week and the forecast is for a heavy beatdown.

U$C 44 Wazzu 21

10. Ole Miss (1-2) Last Week NR- This is just sad. First, the loss to Jacksonville State and the Rubbles first ever appearance in the Not So Top 10. They got the #10 mojo spot in week 2 and promptly went out and beat Tulane. Now, they lost to Vanderbilt this week, and an old friend from an old message board sent me this preemptive email:

 “Go ahead and put my Rebels in your poll, Greek. They deserve to be there. They look lost. I can’t even watch football anymore, but I’ll always check out your Not So Top 10.”- olemissfan69

Sadly OMF69, you are correct. The Rubbles deserve to be here. They have played and lost to both Jacksonville State and Vanderbilt in the same season. That is the equivalent of being beaten up by Michael Cera and then being raped by Andy Dick. But because OMF69 and I are long time buddies, and friend and fellow staffer RaleighRebel is suffering right along with him, I am giving Houston Nuttless and the Ole Piss Rubbles the mojo spot in this week’s NST 10. They’ll need it. Fresno State is no joke.

Ole Miss 34 Fresno State 28 OT

On the NST10 Mailing List: UNLV, Brandon Jacob’s aim, North Carolina and their agents, Most of the MAC, The entire Sun Belt Conference, time keepers in East Lansing, Opening up your new stadium 0-2...cough cough...Minnesota. (DarthSweaterVest just informed me that Minnesota is 1-2 in their new stadium as they beat Air Force last year. Still does not excuse the fact that they are 0-2 in it this year with a loss to an FCS school.)

 

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