“Time to die…”

 

Domestic violence is all the rage these days. Nothing says “I love you” more than a clinched fist, a well placed kick to the uterus, or a threatening text. They say you cannot help who you love and that you cannot make someone love you. I beg to differ. Nothing like a little time in the basement, constrained, with some granola bars and some water (unless you are into necrophilia…then sans the water and hippie food), and maybe a 5 gallon bucket (unless you are a scat-master…then sans the bucket) to trigger the Helsinki Syndrome in the object of your desire.

 Chris Rainey just went about it the wrong way.

I guess Chris was tired of Florida’s offense making the news with their ineptitude, so he decided to do the Gators a favor and give the media and the rest of the college football world something else to talk about. Gator fans were hoping that Chris had just made a mistake and sent the infamous “time to die” text to his girl instead of sending it to Steve Addazio. Nevertheless, the outpouring of support for Mr. Rainey has been almost unprecedented. Here are some supportive messages from some very famous people:

 

“Chris, step up your game. Stop being an amateur. You didn’t even shit in her closet.”

-Nadjeh Davenport

 

“Chris, you ain’t got it so bad. My bitch used to beat MY ass and steal my stash!”

-Bobby Brown

 

“Everybody hits people and threatens them with mean texts.”

-Terrell Pryor

 

“Brother, all you needed was a crack pipe and my Charlie Murphy SLAP!”

-Rick James

 

“Just make sure your OTHER bitch don’t find out about her.”

-Steve McNair

 

“At least she wasn’t pregnant. They are touchy about that shit.”

-Rae Carruth

 

“Get the bitch before she takes a steak knife to your ass!”

-Irving Fryar

 

“Repeat after me…I did not text that woman.”

-Bill Clinton

 

“Chris, I know exactly where you are coming from. Courtney made me lose my mind.”

-Kurt Cobain

 

Now, before some of you femi-nazis that haven’t shaved your arm pits, legs, or snoogin since you experimented with lesbianism in college run to your computer to start sending me hate mail, realize that this is just satire. No one thinks hitting women is cool…but the excess of material it provides me is just too good to steer away from. But I will leave you Lilith Fair, mammary gland hating, diesel dyke militants with this thought:

 “What is the difference between a NOW meeting and a trapeze act at the circus?”

 “The trapeze act is a cunning array of stunts.”

Now on to the Not So Top 10

 

1. Eastern Michigan (0-2) Last Week #1- I have a boil on my ass. I named him Ron. I think he can coach better than Ypsilanti Correctional Community College’s Ron English. I made a remark last week about the forward pass being legal and that it would be nice to see the Pigeons use it, especially after posting a sorry 31 yards through the air against Army. This week: 256 yards through the air! Nice work, but let’s see you get the other facets of the game worked out…like tackling. Deadhawks runningback Thomas Merriweather (who was ejected from the opener against the Gators for acting like MAYWEATHER) scored 3 times and ran for a buck, including the game winner while the Pigeons were looking like they were trying to tackle the invisible man. So YCCCP holds the number one spot yet again, and they should hold on to it next week as they host Central Michigan on Saturday.

 

Central Michigan 27 EMU 9

 

2. New Mexico (0-2) Last Week #2- Question: How does a team put up 433 yards of offense and lose 52-17? Answer: They are the New Mexico Low-blows and they are vying for the #1 spot in the Not So Top 10. The special teams failed like a BP well cap, and the defense was so confused, it looked like Father’s Day in Harlem. But the kicker here is, down 31-17 the Low-blows cut the lead to 31-23…but the score was called back due to an offensive pass interference AND personal foul call on the same play. That, my friends, is classic Not So Top 10 material right there. The YCCCP Pigeons better watch out, that #1 spot is no safer than a sexually confused college chick at a Melissa Etheridge concert surrounded by flannel shirts, wallet chains, and a thick scent of baby powder mixed with Aspen in the air. Not to mention, the Low-blows face Utah this week, and with Mike “Boom Boom” Locksley still at the helm, they could be making a hard charge at #1.

 

Utah 44 New Mexico 17

 

3. Western Kentucky (0-2) Last Week #3- The Hillfloppers gave up 63 points to the Kentucky Wildcats, which confused the home scoreboard operators in Lexington, they thought that they were at The Rupp for a second or two. Good news is, no one was injured from all that “cypherin’”. The Fighting Feminine Hygiene Products gave up the most points to a Kentucky team since UTEP offered up 77 to the Wildcats. I would tell the Hillfloppers fans to be positive this week as all 12,000 of them pack into that high school stadium to host the Big 10 yeast infection known as Indiana. But funny enough, Indian posted 51 points in their season opener, and I have a feeling they could repeat that against the Hillfloppers.

 

Indiana 51 WKU 17

 

4. Virginia Tech (0-2) Last Week NR- Ok, please tell me that instead of going all LaGarrette Blount during the handshake with Boise State last week, Darren Evans decided to fuck the Broncos in a different way, and lay the ball down on the ground to insure the loss to James Madison and pretty much send Boise’s BCS title hopes down the toilet faster than a guilt-ridden bulimic flushes down her steak and lobster dinner at her bat mitzvah. The Hokies must be punished…or praised. I haven’t quite figured out which yet, but damn it…they belong here. Someone has to pay for all these FBS teams getting spanked by FCS teams. That and the fact that if I have to look at Franken-Beamer on the sideline anymore this year I will gouge out my eyes (No, Mr. Spikes, I can handle that myself) Take some of that extension money and hire a plastic surgeon or a great makeup artist…oh…and win some damn football games while you are at it. Maybe if you can get past the fact that East Carolina is a nonBCS team, the Hokies may have a shot at a win!

 

Virginia Tech 27 ECU 21

 

5. Memphis (0-2) Last Week #4- Let’s chalk it up to being slow starters, but I still can’t figure out teams that put up over 400 yards of offense and yet still lose by 3 touchdowns. Have you not heard of defense? You look at the Tigers 49-27 loss to East Carolina and say “Hey, they did ok”…but considering that the Tigers were down 28-3 at the end of the first half and that ECU had put in TBDPITL members HilbyPirate and NoQuarterPirate in on defense in the second quarter, you realize that Memphis definitely deserves a spot in the Not So Top 10. Now, try not to get too excited Tigers’ fan, I know you host Middle Tennessee State this week and think it is a solid shot at a victory, but remember, you are the Memphis Tigers, the Bad News Bears of college football. Enjoy the loss as a Saturday out of the house.

 

MTSU 34 Memphis 27

 

6. Vanderbilt (0-2) Last Week #5- Last week, the Commodes were a bad call away from possibly starting the season with a win. This week, they should not have bothered to show up. Radio Caldwell needs to go back to chalking the practice field and the Commodes need to spend some of that BCS money that Florida, LSU, and Alabama have given them over the last 5 years and hire a damn coach and build a damned stadium that doesn’t look like it belongs in the Sun Belt. This week, the Least of the SEC East travels to the Not So Best of the SEC West as the Commodes take on the Ole Piss Rubbles. Look for Vanderbilt’s losing ways to continue. At least the drunk bitches at The Grove will be better to look at than the game.

 

Ole Miss 17 Vanderbilt 6

 

7. New Mexico State (0-1) Last Week #8- The Aggonies led the Aztecs 7-3 at the end of the first quarter and looked good doing so. But alas, the Aggonies were outscored 38-14 over the next 3 quarters and all seemed right in the universe again. Not that anyone in this universe could tell you where Las Cruces, New Mexico is in the first place, but Stephen Hawking has confirmed my hypothesis that the state of New Mexico is a black hole (no, not Kanye West) of college football. I could not watch this game because with all the packages I have, there isn’t one that carried it. I even called and asked if that game was being broadcast and I heard, between bouts of laughter, things like “Is that a fucking joke?” and then finally…click…they hung up on me. This week, the Aggonies travel to El Paso to take on the UTEP Miners. Maybe they’ll get laughed at when they try to book a return trip to Las Cruces.

 

UTEP 34 NMSU 21

 

8. Akron (0-2) Last Week NR- Like Sandy Duncan would say, “I’ve got my eye on you”. Don’t think that you can escape The Not So Top 10 Super Doppler Suck-dar 5000. I can smell your shitty brand of football all the way down here in Florida as far as North Cuba…er…Miami. The Zips (yes, nothing I can even do to make that name funnier) lost to Gardner-Webb of the FCS and make their debut in the Not So Top 10. But the Zips don’t get here on that game alone, they lost their opener to visiting Syracuse, which is like losing a game of Jenga to Michael J. Fox. Akron will continue their climb in the NST10 as they take a trip to Lexington to face the oft scoring Wildcats. Should be a hoot.

 

Kentucky ∞ Akron 14

 

9. San Jose State (0-2) Last Week #6- Unless you are Lou Holtz (which if you were, everyone around you would be wearing rain ponchos like they were in the splash zone at Sea World), it’s never a good idea to have your team reserved to the fact they are going to lose, and to just go out there and enjoy the atmosphere. Yet these were the very words from Sputterin’ Spartans head coach Mike MacIntyre as they entered the game against Wisconsin. I guess it kind of worked because the Badgers did not rail off 50 plus points. So kudos to you, Coach MacIntyre. Southern Utah’s coach is saying the same thing this week: “Just go out and enjoy the atmosphere in San Jose. The dirty needles, the skanky hookers who take food stamps, and the wonderful youth that inhabit the area that have seen more time in front of a judge than they have a teacher.”

 

San Jose State 23 Southern Utah 20 OT

 

10. Ball State (1-1) Last Week NR- Welcome home Stan Parrish, we have missed you here at the NST 10. It is so nice of you to offer up your Ball-less State House of Cards as football fodder for The Greek. As I do these weekly articles during the season, I find out all kinds of interesting things. For example: there is a head coach in the Mid American Conference with both a Super Bowl ring and a National title ring. Can you believe that Stan Parrish is that coach? Yet his team managed to lose to the FCS Liberty Fighting Falwells. Then again, Stan is just like a TV evangelist, selling false hope to people (Ball State fans). No amount of prayer or booster donations will help Ball-less State this week against Purdue.

 

Purdue 48 Ball State 21

 

On the outside…stalking you: Bowling Green, Chris Rainey, Colorado, Colorado’s AD for not firing Dan Hawkins, Ike Turner, Colorado State, UCLA, Jason Kidd, UNLV, North Texas, George Jones,  FIU,  and Arkansas State

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 *** This site is intended for mature, knowledgeable, true fans of college football. If you are easily offended by homer opinions, strong language, brutal honesty, tasteless humor, PAC 10 pillow fights, or visor throwing-this isn’t the site for you. We here at TBDPITL are incapable of being sympathetic and politically correct, so strap on a pair and check your sensitive feelings at the door.