Hey, wait. I’ve got a new complaint.

  Damn it, the off season is way to fucking long. Well, that’s not technically a new complaint, but I am not going to be biting down on the end of a shotgun playing the tortured artist any time soon either. I do consider myself a bit of an artist. I string together obscenities and disturbing imagery seamlessly, sometimes even finding myself amazed at the artistic depth of my depravity.  Regardless, the theme for this edition of the NST 10 is complaining.

  Now, let me start by answering a question that is asked of me quite often. “Why, Greek? Why bother ranking the worst teams in the FBS?” Not that I am complaining, but think of the Ol’ Greek as your finger when it comes to bad college football. You know, that finger that you use on your first encounter with a chick, the one that you diddle the snooch with and then nonchalantly run it by your nose, to gauge whether it was an all you can eat buffet or that you had just put your hand in a bait bucket. I am the finger. I delve into the depths of horrid college football, and present it to you in a fashion to where you can gauge if you want to jump in or not. Just sniff the finger, my friends. Now, on to my complaining.

  Nigel Carr, did you not get the memo? Bobby Bowden retired. He’s not there to put on the charm for the DA and get that shit pled down to some misdemeanors. What the fuck where you thinking? Far be it for this Gator fan to talk shit about a kid getting in trouble, but Nigel Carr went all Colton Harris-Moore sans the feel good undertones. Looks like this kid wanted to win the 2010 Fulmer Cup all by himself. Kat Williams and Winona Ryder ain’t got shit on Nigel. I’ve got two movie vehicles for him: 1) Nigel Carr: The Lost Scholarship Chronicles & 2) ‘Nole Interrupted.

  Bob Barker is a dried up, impotent, crusty, old douche-nozzle that wouldn’t know funny if it sexually harassed him. Now, I am not saying that Drew Carey is an absolute must see comedian, but he sure as hell is funnier than stick-in-the-mud Barker. Barker calling Carey unfunny and impersonal is like a speculum telling a woman that her vajayjay is cold. How much more interesting can Carey make that outdated yenta game show, Bob? Should he chase around the prize girls after drinking himself into oblivion before the days tapings? How about having Drew cut the balls off of a German Sheppard to close each show? Would that be better, Bob? Here’s a suggestion, shut the fuck up and die already, all the dead pool players from around the country will be pleased.

  Finally, Floyd Mayweather is absolute garbage. Even HBO Sports is stating that Floyd ducked Manny Pacquiao, that’s like Neal Patrick Harris being called to the floor by Lance Bass for being gay. Floyd is now officially scratched from any Greatest of All Time discussions. His last few fights have been as painful to watch as Thomas Hearns and Bjork doing Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet. Now he had a chance to carve his name into the record books as the greatest boxer of all time, and he ducked it. Marciano fought all comers, he did not pick and choose. Floyd’s whole career has been smoke and mirrors, and now, one thing seems clear. He’s scared that he cannot beat Manny. So if Superman’s weakness is kryptonite, I guess Manny is Floyd’s sickle cell.

  Now that is out of my system…probably only temporary, but it feels good to get stuff off your chest…like when Nancy Pelosi shaves hers. But now we get to what you have all been waiting for: The 2010 Not So Top 10 Preseason Poll. There promises to be a lot of crappy football in 2010, so make sure your shotgun is loaded, get ready to sniff your finger inconspicuously, make sure your pets get spayed and neutered, and enjoy The Not So Top 10.

1. Eastern Michigan Eagles (0-12) The reigning Tyrone Willingham Trophy winners start out at #1 for the 2010 season. Unfortunately, I do not expect them to stay #1 for long, and the Ypsilanti Correctional Community College Pigeons will mess around and win a few ball games this year. Ron English is on a short leash in terms of his future at EMU. Oh shit…I just referred to Ron being on a leash…Jesse Jackson his holding a press conference right now to condemn me as a slave owner. Anyway, fuck Jesse. Back to football…The Pigeons should improve slightly, kind of like when you pop a boil, the pain subsides a little, it still seeps and smells a little foul, but it feels better than before you burst it. This is Eastern Michigan Football. The good news is that they could possibly win their opener when they host Army on September 4th. If that fails, they face Vanderbilt in Nashville on October 9th. After those two games, there’s very little potential wins left in the schedule. EMU is on the road against Miami, OH and Ball State, and both of those teams have improved since beating EMU last year. I think the Ypsilanti Correctional Community College Pigeons will hang around the NST 10 all season, but they are not going to repeat as champions.

Week One Prediction: EMU 20 Army 13

2. Vanderbilt Commodores (2-10) This program is really in the toilet, and from henceforth shall be called the Vanderbilt Commodes. Bobby Johnson up and retired quickly, which makes me think he took a look at the 2010 schedule and felt real old real quick. His replacement? The guy who played Otis the town drunk on the Andy Griffith Show. Vanderbilt is returning a team that was winless in conference play and was beaten by Army. Their schedule reads like a horror novel (and not that romantic Twilight bullshit…except when Bella and Edward screw for the first time and basically tear the house apart…wonder how that’s going to be translated onto film for these teeny boppers in love with the series now?) Back to football…The schedule is tougher than Joan Rivers’ labia. Home for Northwestern and LSU, then on the road for Mississippi and Connecticut, then home for Eastern Michigan (the only game they MIGHT be favored in), at Georgia, home for South Carolina, at Arkansas, home for Florida, at Kentucky, home for Tennessee (whom they haven’t beaten since Prohibition it seems) and Wake Forest. It is indeed conceivable that the Commodes could very well achieve perfection with that schedule and win the Tyrone Willingham Trophy.

Week One Prediction:  Northwestern 27  Vanderbilt 10

3. Western Kentucky HillToppers (0-12) The HillFloppers could very well go winless in 2010. They already exceeded my expectations of loserdom. The HillFloppers just weren’t as impressively shitty as the Y.C.C.C. Pigeons; this could be their year though. The schedule stacks up to be tougher than Chuck Norris in a Bounty Paper Towel Commercial. The good news for the ‘necks in Western Kentucky is that the HillFloppers only play 5 home games this year. So that maximum capacity crowd of 22,000 at L.T. Smith Stadium (L.T. stands for “little toilet”)will only have to endure 5 beatings. Not to shit on 1^st year coach Willie Taggart, but he has a fucking mess on his hands. If you can’t win a conference game in the Sun Belt Conference, you should be checked for a pulse. This program was not ready for the leap to the FBS, and it will be painfully evident as they possibly go winless again this year. Why? They can’t get any decent talent to agree to play there. Special Note to Joakim Noah, if you think you hated Cleveland; take a trip to Bowling Green, Kentucky. So, look for the HillFloppers to move up early and stay at or near the top of the NST 10 all season.

Week One Prediction: Nebraska 57 WKU 3

4. New Mexico Lobos (1-11) Another one of my favorite coaches, Mike “Boom Boom” Locksley, is the head guy at New Mexico, but I fear for not much longer. But really, what is not to love about Locksley? You have to respect a guy who gets sued for sex and age discrimination for firing a staff member for hotter, younger chicks to do the job because “kids feel more comfortable with hot, young girls than sitting there with someone that reminds them of their mothers or grandmothers.” And what about his subtle way of demonstrating leadership? When you disagree with an assistant coach, you punch him in his fucking stupid face! Mike is the poster child of the Ron Zook School of Coaching and Underachieving, and he really has the team to go 0-12 and win the NST 10 Championship, I am just afraid Mike won’t be there at the end to bask in its glory. So all season long, I will be praying Mike keeps his job, and that he doesn’t go all “Buddy Ryan” on another staffer in 2010. Even with UTEP, San Diego State, and Wyoming at home, the chances for a win are slim. October 9^th they play at New Mexico State, which should be a Herculean display of pathetic football.

Week One Prediction: Oregon 48 New Mexico 7

5. Memphis Tigers (2-10) Why the Board of Regents have cut the football program at Memphis still boggles the mind. The barely fill the stadium to 50% capacity, and with no decent TV deal in place for Conference USA, they can’t be making any money. Oh…wait a second…I forgot John Calapari is at Kentucky, so Memphis must be saving a ton of money on player contracts…they must be pouring it into the football program. If that was the case, one would question if they could find a better coach than Larry Porter? The short answer is no one wants the damn job. Porter is from the Les Miles’ School of Game Mismanagement, which means Memphis is in for a long season, and there is no Jacob Hester, Joseph Addai, or Charles Scott waiting in the wings. As a matter of fact, this could be the least talented team in the country save Western Kentucky. The Tigers are a serious contender for the perfect season and the NST 10 Championship, but playing in the Conference of Unusually Shitty Athletes, there is bound to be a team or two that will underachieve against Porter and the Tigers. This is usually the part where I console Memphis fans and tell them basketball is only a few months off, but they now suck at that too. So kill yourselves Tiger fans, walk through the streets of West Memphis or Nutbush with a wad of cash in your hand if you don’t have the stones to do it yourself.

Week One Prediction: Mississippi State 33 Memphis 6

6. Maryland Terrapins (2-10) The earthquake experienced in the DC area was actually Ralph Friedgen’s feeding hoist giving way and dropping the contents of Ralph’s dinner onto the floor. But the Maryland Turribles (thank you Charles Barkley) have much more to worry about than their husky head coach. This team was outright horrible last season, and things aren’t looking to be much better in College Park for the 2010 season. Piling on pounds and losses in 2009, Ralph looks like a far cry from the guy Maryland hired in 2000. Being a Maryland fan is like marrying a hot chick with a fat mother. She’s really hot at first, bangs you any time you want (2001-2003), and you are none the wiser. Then she starts limiting your booty time (2004) and putting on a fifty pounds and wearing the same sweatpants for months on end (2005). Then there’s some hope as she works out, loses weight (2006) and actually starts to look good again (2007). Then, she looks like she is about to start having sex with you more frequently (2008) and then BOOM, you wake up and she’s put on 200lbs, grown a wart, and looks just like her mother (2009). Looking at the 2010 schedule, she’s growing a mustache too. Maryland could very well start off 4-1, it’s highly unlikely, but it could happen. They host Navy and Morgan State, and then travel to Morgantown. Then it’s back to College Park for games with FIU and Duke. After that, they could very well lose their last 7 games. How long do the Turribles stay in the NST 10? About as long as Ralph can keep from achieving his own gravitational pull. But what else do you expect from a man who has “Fried” in his name? The long and the short of this is that Ralph is coaching his last season at Maryland, and much like South Bend in 2009, all the restaurant owners in College Park are panicking.

Week One Prediction: Navy 20 Maryland 17

7. New Mexico State Aggies (3-10) I just want to point out a cultural difference between Las Cruces and Athens. DeWayne Walker gets pulled over and arrested for DUI, and then the charges are dropped. Georgia AD Damon Evans was popped for the same thing, charges stuck, and he was promptly shit-canned. I know what you’re thinking. You’re think it’s a Southern thing. I have sour news for you; it was actually because the Las Cruces Police Department realized he was the Aggonies head coach and said “Oh shit, he’s the only one who wants that job, better cover up for him so they are not forced to hire Mark Mangino!” Actually, DeWayne Walker is a pretty classy guy, but his football team is horrible. Not like anyone will notice, if you haven’t figured it out, the state of New Mexico is the black hole of the college football universe. They have two wins at the most coming this year. Home games against New Mexico and San Jose State should provide the only chances for a win and make for some pretty shitty football. No wonder the fight song is about drinking, you’d have to have the Blood Alcohol Content level of Princess Diana’s chauffeur to make New Mexico State football entertaining.

Week One Prediction: San Diego State 24 New Mexico State 9

Timeout! This is where it gets really tough. There are so many crappy teams left that deserve to be here, I get angry. Angry enough to maybe harm a pet, or strike a loved one.

8. San Jose State Spartans (2-10) Why the Hell not stay right in the WAC for some really crappy football.  The Sputtering Spartans will be coached by first year head man Mike MacIntyre, former Duke defensive coordinator. Yes, that oozes of success, making San Jose residents put down the meth pipes and watch San Jose State football by the dozens. How bad is it? CBSSportsline.com still has their head coach listed as TBA. Now, take into consideration they are dipping into the Great Western Conference of the FCS twice, taking on Southern Utah and UC Davis. Both are middle of the pack teams, but San Jose State will only be favored against Southern Utah. After that, there may not be another win on the schedule. So to review, new head coach who was Duke’s defensive coordinator, two FCS teams on the schedule, an apathetic fan base, and the attendance at the Amicus House will surpass the gate for 2010 at Sputtering Spartan Stadium. Man, I can’t do this anymore. I have got to get out of the WAC. Now I know what Boise State was feeling.

Week One Prediction: Alabama 63 San Jose State 0

9. Washington State Cougars (1-11) Paul Wulff is enjoying his final season of employment. The Cougars will yet again be absolutely unwatchable, and Wulff will be quickly shit-canned. Heck, he may not even make it through the season. The Cougars are 3-22 in the last two seasons and haven’t seen the .500 mark in 4 years. That’s pretty bad football folks. What is even worse is that Robb Akey left Wazzu, went 8 miles east to that shit-hole Moscow, Idaho, and is actually winning games there. That has to be a kick right in Wulff’s vagina. Wolfman Jack’s bastard son is winning games and going to bowls, and the Cougars are barely beating teams like Portland State and SMU. But here’s the beauty of this happening in a place like Pullman. First, no one in the outside world actually cares about Cougar football. Second, with 50% of the population being in the 18-24 age demographic, there are always plenty of narcotics around to make being a fan of a PATHETIC football program a little less painful. I think snorting Oxytcontin began in Pullman, taking a couple 40’s to the dome a day  seems to be the best way to go through the fall there. For 2010, I suggest 4 a day.

Week One Prediction: Oklahoma State 42 Washington State 10

10. Rice Owls (2-10) The Rice Bowels round out the NST10 for the 2010 Preseason. They are small, bland, and white…just like the school’s name indicates. David Bailiff is entering his fourth year, and he only has 15 wins to show for it (with 10 of those coming in his 2^nd season). So much for the guy that looked like a coaching phenom after taking Texas State to a 11 win season. Too bad that Rice did not look at the pattern before hiring him. His first 3 years at Texas State: 5-6, 11-3, and 5-6. His first three seasons at Rice: 3-9, 10-3, and 2-10. So what gives the impression that Bailiff and the Bowels will be any better this year? Looking at their 2010 schedule, the Bowels could possibly win two games…maybe three, even though their schedule looks like the afternoon shift at a strip club. And yes, the play UTEP. The game that will act as a barometer for Rice’s season will be September 11^th at North Texas. If the Bowels can take that game they may be able to win at Tulane and at home against UAB. I expect them to hang around the NST 10 all season.

Week One Prediction: Texas 70 Rice 6

And don’t think I have forgotten these guys:

Tulane Green Wave (3-9) Bob Toledo has posted a 9-27 record at Tulane, and this will be his last season unless he can pull off 8 wins. Good thing their uniforms are cool, because their football is shitty, and so is Bob. Didn’t they cancel the Pacific football program after Bob’s last year there? (Yes, I know it was 1991, but still, it’s fun to blame Bob for shit.) Look for the Green Wave to make a splash in the NST10 at some point this year.

UTEP Miners (4-8) Yes, we all know Coach Price can make it rain in strip clubs, but can he make it rain in the win column? He has been the cause of the monsoon in the loss column in El Paso after two 8-4 seasons to start off his tenure. Another subpar season, and Mike may be looking for a new job, maybe a strip club DJ or something would better suit him than coaching football. Washington State may take him back.

Miami, OH Redhawks (1-11) Mike Haywoodyafireme may actually have a decent offense with the Deadhawks this year, but the schedule is uglier than Phyllis Diller sans makeup. They will be John Brantley’s sacrificial lamb to start the season, but with EMU, Kent State, Buffalo, and Akron on the schedule, they may not get a chance to appear in the NST10 this year.

Ball State Cardinals (2-10) As much as I’d like to put Stan Parrish and his Ball-less State Cardinals in the 2010 NST10, I just can’t. Sure, they are pathetic for starting off against two FCS teams, but this team could not help but win 3 or 4 games this season. Not quit shitty enough of an effort for the NST10. But, should they lose to Southeast Missouri State or Liberty, or both, Stan will find his ass right back in there.

North Texas Mean Green (2-10) The Mean Gangrene may actually not suck as bad as they have the last few years under Todd Dodge. Unlike Dan Hawkins’ kid, Todd’s can actually play quarterback. If he can stay healthy, the Mean Gangrene may be able to eek out 4 or 5 wins. Regardless, North Texas will have a sharp eye kept on them by the Greek.

Florida International Panthers (3-9) This team could go either way, either averagely bad (4 wins) or Sun Belt bad (2 wins or less). The Panthers have 27 Seniors that aren’t very good, and 33 Freshmen that 110 other teams did not want (They can still out recruit Western Kentucky). Their first 4 games are brutal, and they could quickly find themselves breaking through the NST10 rankings.

Virginia Cavaliers (3-9) The Cavaliers finally jettisoned Al Groh, and actually could improve this season. It may only be by a win or two, but hell, at least you aren’t Eastern Michigan. First thing is first, though, and they must avenge 2009’s loss to FCS William and Mary when they open up against Richmond. If they lose, thankfully there won’t be that many folks watching.

Akron Zips (3-9) The Zips…ha, you can’t even make fun of that name. Actually, their brand of football generates comedic moments, one right after the other. Akron should be brutally bad, and could easily take control of the bottom of the MAC East from the Deadhawks. Depending upon how good Gardener Webb is this season, Akron could run the table, providing wins to Syracuse, Kentucky, and Indiana along the way.

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