Greetings from the land where your sweat actually sweats. I love Florida, but it is fucking hot. Not hot like my visuals of Lindsay Lohan and her “forced” muff diving on some hot, gang tatted Latina doing a dime for food stamp fraud, assault and battery of a social worker, and child neglect, in the showers of Ms. Lohan’s penal accommodations…but hot nonetheless. I suppose it is the heat that makes me even less tolerant of some of the asinine shit that goes on in the world around me. So I have decided to address several current events that I just have to comment on publicly. G8rSweetie has the lawyers on standby, and a good thing too, because my first stop is LeBron James, Jesse Jackson, and Reggie Jackson.

First, King James…pfft. A King does not leave his kingdom to go play court jester to a couple of other kings. Honestly, I don’t think anyone can blame him for taking the easy way out. We, as a society, are a bunch on instant gratification seeking fucksticks. The way he did it left much to be desired. It was shallow and pedantic. Believe me, I know all about egos, have one myself that I have been grooming for years. (I know many of you are shocked and saying “Nah, not you Greek!” I am sorry I have let you down.) An hour to announce where he was going? I do things that take an hour LeBron. Sometimes, depending on my diet, taking a shit is good for 45 minutes to an hour of my day. But I do not hold a press conference to announce I have decided to switch bathrooms or announce what paper I prefer. Did Jason Kidd hold a press conference to tell the world which hand he prefers to strike his then wife with?  But what I honestly hold you responsible for, aside from your massive, ringless ego, is what you did to the city of Cleveland. You dashed their hopes at having a winner in that city. You were their Luke Skywalker. What if he had told Ben…”Aw, fuck it Ben. I don’t want to be a jedi. I’m gonna go back and refurbish some droids, maybe kidnap and fuck a couple of Jawas.” There wouldn’t have been a movie.  You were a fucking movie script. Hometown boy wins title, statue erected. You bang the hot girl instead of Delonte banging your mom. You had it all. The happy ending would have only taken a few more years in Cleveland. The fans deserved it. They backed you when you showed your ass when the Magic knocked you out of the 2008-2009 Eastern Conference Finals. They backed you when you floundered in the Boston series (some would say you quit). I don’t know of any other great fan base that deserves it more than Cleveland. The worst thing about all of this is that you knew you were leaving when you put in the paper work to change your number. That’s another story for another time. But for now, fuck you LeBron James.

Edit: Just thought of this, so I thought I would share with the rest of you, and hopefully some entrepreneur will see this, manufacture them, make a mint, and share with the Greek for the idea. You know those masks on the wooden tongue depressors? Well make a mask of Delonte West’s likeness and sell them to every city not Miami. That would be an awesome distraction, especially if they chanted “We banged your mom!”

The Reverend Jesse Jackson is a complete racist and a hate monger. The three most vacuous entities on the planet: Robin William’s nose, Amy Winehouse’s snootch, and Jesse Jackson. Jackson condemned Cavs owner Dan Gilbert for his comments about LeBron James, equivocating Mr. Gilbert to having a slave owner mentality.

“His feelings of betrayal personify a slave master mentality. He sees LeBron as a runaway slave. This is an owner employee relationship -- between business partners -- and LeBron honored his contract.”- Jesse Jackson

It is assholes like Jackson that keep racism going strong in America. You see, Jackson only makes an issue when it is a white person involved. He takes issues with such meaningless shit…especially an athlete signing a contract somewhere else. Jesse, where the fuck were you when a 14 year old black kid was arrested and charged with kidnapping and false imprisonment here in Florida for trying to help a 3 year old girl find her mother? The charges were dropped, no thanks to you, but why weren’t you there whooping it up for him and condemning “the man” for racism? Oh….what was that…oh…the Orlando Chief and the Orange County Sheriff are both black? Oh, you mean they are husband and wife too? Oh, so you are saying that it wasn’t as important as what an NBA owner said about a player switching teams? I get it now Jesse. You were the one that brought race into this. No one else did. I really wish folks would stop putting a microphone in front of your pie-hole. Just a side note: if James was a slave, we would not have had to deal with an hour press conference about him deciding to go to a different plantation. Also, a slave owner doesn’t feel betrayed that a slave ran away. He’s pissed because his investment has fled, Jackass. Oh, and Phil Mickelson, a white devil, just knocked Tiger out of the number one ranking in golf. I expect you to schedule a press conference blaming the PGA for being racist, and blaming the white man for having the daughter’s that tempted Tiger to stray from his (gasp) white wife!

Reggie, Reggie, Reggie. What the fuck are you smoking? First off, how in the Hell do you know that LeBron could play baseball? He had a hard time with Rajon Rondo blowing by him, never mind a tiny white ball going 96 mph. He’s also 6’8. That makes for a strike zone about as big as his ego. Not like the shrunken strike zone that was allowed for you and YOUR ego. Your grasp of the physics of baseball have withered and disappeared, much like your hair and the value of your autograph. It also explains your .262 lifetime batting average. Also, your candy bar sucked.

Moving on, the World Cup ended with Spain winning the whole deal. I watched quite a few matches in this tournament. I thought about the casual American sports fan that got caught up in the frenzy. He’s thinking “Man, this was GREAT! I can’t wait until next year’s World Cup! What? The next one is when? 2014? What the hell? Four fucking years? Never mind. I hear the NFL Network is airing Canadian Football.” I have come to the conclusion that soccer may not be an acquired taste…much like snuff films, fisting, and genital torture. That’s not something that you like through constant exposure. You either like it or you don’t. I don’t. All I know is that incessant buzzing noise is gone, and I dare a mother fucker to let me hear it as their ringtone. I double dog dare them.

What the hell is going on in Athens? Have the Bulldogs turned into the Booze Hounds? First, former AD Damon Evans got his drank on and went rollin’, and they cops came hatin’ and caught him ridin’ dirty. Then, a few days later, two players get busted for underage drinking and DUI. Has Mark Richt and staff stopped looking at 40 times, and paying more attention to Blood Alcohol Content Averages and scoring averages in Beer Pong? Who’s doing the recruiting in Athens, Oksana Baiul? Should I mention the irony of this happening to a school where the President wanted to change the name of The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party as to discourage drinking?

How do football players blow off some steam during the summer? At Florida, they drive on suspended licenses. At Georgia, they drink and drive on valid licenses. At Tennessee, they go all UFC on random bar patrons and an off duty police officer. Haven’t the folks in Knoxville been through enough already? This is like watching a wounded animal die. You just want to shoot it and put it out of its misery. I don’t know what is keeping those folks from barricading themselves in their trailers, holding their sister/cousin/wife hostage until the local police weave through the broken down vehicles in the lawn, and break through the screen-less sliding glass door, ending the standoff with many children being left Uncle/Father/Grandfather-less. Truly a sad situation.

A few more things before I leave you folks for the rest of the off season (don’t worry, The NST 10 Preseason Poll will be out in a few weeks). First, rest in peace George Steinbrenner. You did a lot for folks, and you were the personification of the way a pro sports franchise owner should be. I still fucking hate you because you are a Yankee, but enjoy your eternal rest.

Mel Gibson is off his nut. First, what did fake titties ever do to you Mel? No reason to be so mean, and if you weren’t such a fuckhead, maybe she’d still be letting you rub your face in those silicon beauties. Seriously, I laughed during your whole tirade…then you had to mention her getting raped by a bunch of “black youths” (I’m paraphrasing). Jesse Jackson is headed your way, as soon as he pulls LeBron’s cock out of his mouth.

Alright, you folks hold it down, and I’ll see you in a couple weeks with the NST Preseason countdown. Remember, don’t intend to offend, just offend with your intent.

Send all hate mail to jpthegreek@gmail.com

 *** This site is intended for mature, knowledgeable, true fans of college football. If you are easily offended by homer opinions, strong language, brutal honesty, tasteless humor, PAC 10 pillow fights, or visor throwing-this isn’t the site for you. We here at TBDPITL are incapable of being sympathetic and politically correct, so strap on a pair and check your sensitive feelings at the door.