The Not So Top 10 Franchise Relocations

   No, this is not like the witness relocation program, even though I could give you a 70,000 word dissertation of why we should move the Detroit Lions…to Mars, or the Chicago Cubs to the Bermuda Triangle, or my beloved Toronto Maple Leafs to the bottom of a frozen Lake Ontario. This edition of the Not So Top 10, which is often imitated but never duplicated, is all about franchise relocations that should not have happened, did not make sense, or just providing some fodder for me to be vulgar and use words to paint disgusting and disturbing visual imagery.

   Speaking of disgusting and disturbing, a few things before we hit the countdown

Corn on the cob, I love it, nature’s intestinal toilet snake. I ate some Zellwood corn two nights this week. I swear it dislodged a piece of prime rib I ate at Christmas in 1997. The smell was horrific. 3 matches and half a can of Glade Mixed Summer Berries, and all it did was smell like shit, burning sulfur, and rotten berries. The cats tried to bury the bathroom rug, and my dog Loki went in there and rolled on his back. I am expecting a call from the EPA tomorrow.

Interesting factoid for beer drinkers- many brewing companies from all over the world use the swim bladders from Nile Perch to filter the yeast from beer. That’s right, that wonderful concoction of fermented grains, hops, and barley is passed through fish guts before it hits your gullet. I heard that and I was thinking “Fuck Monistat 7, next time the old lady is baking snooch bread (yeast infection), I am going fishing, a swim bladder or two should clear that shit up in 24 hours, and it really couldn’t make it smell any worse.”

Leper jokes: Did you hear what happened to the leper that ran into the screen door? He strained himself. What do you call three lepers in a hot tub? Chowder. How do you know you have gotten a letter from a leper? His tongue is stuck to the envelope. Did you hear the leper hockey league folded? There were too many face-offs. Why did the hooker stop going to the leper colony? Business was dropping off. What is the difference between a leper and a tree? A tree has limbs. What did the leper say to the hooker? Keep the tip.

   Okay, I’ll stop there and get on to the business at hand. We know that most professional sports franchises move in pursuit of the almighty dollar, and no one can really blame a business owner for doing what is best for his investments, his investors, and the good of the company…right? Well, not the Greek. So I dedicate this Not So Top 10 to all the fans that have been fucked over when their team moved to another city. So, make sure you have plenty of butter and salt for your corn, get your swim bladders on standby, and enjoy the Not So Top 10’s Franchise Relocations.

10. Hartford Whalers move to North Carolina- This sucked out loud.  For starters, you took the only thing worth a shit in Connecticut and moved it to a place where they think hockey is cool because you get to hit something black with a stick. Ah, Connecticut, a place so dull, even the silent “c” in their name is boring. How can you take a team named after rugged men of danger who slaughtered marine mammals for a living and send them to Hicksville and change their name to a name synonymous with a thug college football program? Plus, the Hartford Whalers had very cool uniforms and were one of the few teams that did not make me feel bad being a Leafs fan.

9. San Diego Clippers move to L.A.- Ok, so San Diego isn’t exactly a basketball town and L.A. is. I get that. But could this have been possibly the stupidest move in all of sports? Whoever did the demographic research and the business model for this monetary movement should have been killed like Jeff Dahmer, and their last moments spent on Earth copiously bleeding from the broomstick that pierced their rectum. Maybe you might have heard about the team that was already there…you know…the Lakers? 16 time NBA Champions, 31 time Western Division Champs. Yeah, those guys. That move made about as much sense as a dentist moving his practice from Beverly Hills to Morgantown. The only time the Clippers sellout is when they are playing the Lakers, and at that point, it might as well be a Lakers’ home game.

8. Vancouver Grizzlies move to Memphis- Yes, anything that moves from anywhere to Memphis has got to end up on a list like this. Even John Calapari moved from Memphis, and the only way he moved TO Memphis was because no one from Massachusetts would bother to look for him there, and Nets fans did not even notice the shitty job he did in New Jersey. But Grizzlies ownership traded in the most beautiful city on the Pacific Coast for the armpit of Tennessee. The only thing worth a cold squirt of piss in Memphis is the barbeque, if you don’t get mugged or shot on your way to the best barbeque joints in that wonderful city. They all seem to be located in urban war zones. But the move did help the quality of product on the court and the Grizzlies have enjoyed an incredible playoff streak…back to back appearances, since then, they have watched every playoff game from home.

7. Quebec Nordiques move to Colorado- This one doesn’t bother me so much as the others, let’s face it, my Grandfather raised me with extreme prejudice towards anything French Canadian. “Fuck those pea soup eating frogs!” he would exclaim every time the Leafs would face the Nordiques. “We should saw Quebec off the edge of Canada and send it back to those smelly fucks in France.” God I miss my Grandfather. What bothers me though is the loss of the name. It had mystery…The Nordiques…actually it sounds like a gay disco-pop band from the late 70’s. Actually, the term Nordiques means “of Scandinavian origin”, so those stuck up non deodorant using Frenchies were pulling for a team translated to “The Quebec Nordic Men”. The move did do one thing, it allowed me to focus all of my hate on Montreal…that was up until the Ottawa Senators came to the NHL.

6. Brooklyn Dodgers move to L.A.- I completely understand about wanting out of New York. A 5 minute conversation (which is more of a chest pounding soliloquy) with a Yankee fan will make you want to jam an ice pick into your  ear and you would move to the Sudan to get away from them, not that I am comparing L.A. to the Sudan…or am I? But this is my problem with the move, aside from shitting on the very loyal fan base that supported the Dodgers: You left New York leaving only the Mets to combat the Yankees. All your loyal fans became blow-hard Yankee vermin, and I personally hold Dodger ownership of the time for the Yankees 2,765 World Series titles. If you and the Giants would have stayed in New York, we could have had all the New York teams in one division, and they could cannibalize themselves, leaving the rest of the world free to actually enjoy baseball.

5. Baltimore Bullets move to Washington, D.C.- The rare case in which the move fit the team name more than its original city. Baltimore was about crab cakes and Edgar Allen Poe, Washington was about high crime rates and handgun murders. Now, the criminals in D.C. don’t hold guns, they just hold office. What really sucks is the PC movement that forced the Bullets to change their name. The Wizards. Really? First, it is an absolute rip off of the Orlando Magic. Second, it makes no since at all. Now, if they had moved to Alabama and called themselves the Grand Wizards…that would work. The only two things wizardly that happen in Washington are the losses mystifyingly multiply to astronomical heights, and our tax dollars are magically misappropriated. At least we can thank Gilbert Arenas for trying to represent the clubs roots.

4. Oakland Raiders to L.A. to Oakland- What the fuck is it with the fascination of moving to L.A.? Fuck L.A., give it back to Mexico.  Al Davis reminded me of the hot and superficial coed from college, hopping from bed to bed, depending on which fellow(city) stroked her fragile ego. Al caused a big stink by moving to L.A., ruffling everyone’s feathers and thumbing his nose at the loyal Raider fans. The move to L.A. did nothing but put two NFL franchises in a city that did not give a shit about either team. I mean, the Chargers LEFT L.A. after just one season in that septic tank. But bat-shit crazy Al was not to be stopped. It only took him 13 years to figure out the only thing folks in L.A. care about is being seen at Lakers games. I guess the meager two playoff appearances were enough to put L.A.’s elite off of the Raider brand. And just like the superficial bitch, Al had to settle for the ugly guy with the small penis that was the only one left to stroke the ego…Oakland.

3. Baltimore Colts to Indianapolis- (This is dedicated to my dear friend Teddy, who has to live amongst the front-running fan base in Indy) To Robert Irsay I say…eat a bag of dicks. Not just one, the whole damn bag. Like a thief in the night, after secretive backroom meetings with whores like Phoenix and Indianapolis, Irsay almost overnight moved the Colts from tradition rich Baltimore to the trashy hick hive known as Indianapolis. Spraying fecal matter in the face of the Colts fans that had been supporting the team since 1953, Irsay expected a city to pull a $60 million dollar bond in which only 1/3 of its residents paid taxes. To make matters worse, he moved the Colts to a city where cousin touching and masturbating to open wheeled racing was/is the norm. Now we are subjected to Peyton and his bulging, Ted Danson-esque forehead, stupid Oreo commercials, and his little brother with hydro encephalitis…Corky Manning.

2. Houston Oilers to Tennessee- What is the deal with NFL owners cornering the market on douchebaggery? Bud Adams had total disregard for the fine folks of Houston. Seems he was unsympathetic to the oil collapse of the 1980’s, and tried to strong arm the city for a new stadium. This was after the city scraped up enough money to renovate the Astrodome just a few years earlier. Adams then shipped his team to Nashville. That’s like a hard working husband pulling extra shifts and weekends to buy his wife a new set of tits, because hers looks like two fried eggs hanging from a nail, and no sooner has she recovered from the surgery, she leaves the hard working boob provider for a rube from Rocky Top. At least Irsay and Modell had stadiums waiting for them when they moved, but Adams and his Oilers had to use Vanderbilt’s home stadium. Even still, they managed more fans there than in the last season in Houston, because the fans refused to come out knowing the Oilers were all but gone. I don’t think one single tear was shed in Houston when the Titans came a couple feet shy of winning the Super Bowl. (Insert tasteless Steve McNair joke here)

1.  Cleveland Browns move to Baltimore- Art Modell is not only the biggest dickhead in all of sports ownership, he is also the biggest hypocrite. He threw a fit when Robert Irsay moved the Colts, voicing his displeasure about any NFL team relocating. What a difference a decade makes, because old Art decided to rip the storied Browns franchise from the loyal Cleveland fans that packed the stadium every week, to watch a questionable product. Sure, you may want to move from Cleveland because the fans smell like stale beer, stadium mustard, and dog biscuits, but Art is still a dick. The one thing I cannot figure out, the city of Cleveland sued to keep the Browns name. Why? They should have used this opportunity to get a decent mascot and better uniforms. They could have renamed themselves something pertinent to the city of Cleveland…like “The Vanishing Industry” or “The Burning  Cuyahogas”. Yet they retained the Browns name, and the curse continues. Still, it doesn’t detract from the most ruthless franchise moves in all of sports. Art then promptly went out and got a fierce double murder at Linebacker, a quarterback that even the Tampa Bay Buccaneers gave up on, and a running back that sold more cocaine than Scareface and quickly won the Super Bowl. Another slap in the face to Browns fans. What will be awesome is when Art is enshrined in the NFL Hall of Fame, they’ll have to put him in the Pope-mobile during his acceptance speech.

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