The PAC 10...er...16 Is Really Pissing Me Off!

Okay you Left Coast Lunatics, I have just about had enough of you trying to shit up MY college football with your greed. Expanding to 16 teams and creating a "super conference" does not make you look like a trendsetter, it makes you look desperate. I understand that you are financially so far behind the SEC and the Big 10 that the brain-trust of the Pathetic Athletic Conference needed to make a move. But what happened to twelve teams and a conference championship game? No, the neo-bohemian larva running the PAC 10 has decided to skip that altogether and poop on the traditions of college football. (By the way, those of you still left in the Big Number Formerly Known As 12 , how sad is it that the PAC 10 can bully 4 teams away from you? ) No, the PAC 10 has decided to gorge itself on the only teams in the Big 12 that matter, and expand itself to 16 teams. But they are opening a whole new can of parasites, and starting a war they can only lose. The Big 10 was happy at 12 teams (provided Nebraska does accept the bid on 6-11-2010) and the SEC had no desire to expand whatsoever. But now that you have been greedy, PAC, beware the consequences. The SEC and the Big 10 will not be outdone, and do not be surprised if they work together to out duel you in "The Great Conference Raiding of 2010".

But I get why you would NEED to expand to 16 teams. After all, we are just one good earthquake away from losing 40% of the PAC 10 at any time. Not to mention your centerpiece team U$C just got hammered like Lindsay Lohan the night before she had to wear the court ordered Blood Alcohol Content bracelet. We need something to talk about the PAC 10 for the next 2 years, I guess this ought to do it.

But the Greek is not one to just bitch about the problem and not offer solutions. (Don't you hate those whiny fucks that do that?) I know the off season is long and boring, and that this may just be boredom creeping in. So I offer the PAC officials 8 things to do in lieu of expanding to 16 teams and screwing up college football.

1. Play the "Pin The Plastic Surgery Procedure On Nancy Pelosi's Face" game. This would be time consuming, a real distraction from expansion. Let's face it (no pun intended), Nancy is one face lift away from having her snooch under her chin. It is amazing that they have folks dying on emergency room floors because of the lack of medical doctors in California, yet if you need a taint tuck, cooch-lip cropping, or sphincter reconstruction, you can't throw a rock and not hit a specialist in that field.

2. Round up all the illegal immigrants (oxymoron alert) and send them to Arizona. Why? Because Arizona seems to be the only place that knows what to do with them properly. That and the fact it will clear out a few thousand seats in the ER's for truly sick citizens, instead of illegals using the ER as a general practitioner. Parking lots at Home Depot, Wal Mart, and produce stands will be a lot less crowded as well.

3. Drunk Dial Pete Carroll. Not just U$C fans, all of you. Call him and bitch at him for taking the one decent program in the PAC and turning them into the SMU of the West Coast. Call up and ask for Pete Calapari, or Pete Tarkanian, or Pete Sampson. Call up and pose as Lendale White's baby's momma and ask Pete "how am I supposed to get my nails did, weave did, and get milk and pampers off of a Canadian Football League contract? I don't even speak Canadian!" You could even call him as a drunk and crying Charlie Weis and blubberingly apologize for outing Pete screwing a grad student. Call Pete up as a drunk Jim Harbaugh (the most plausible scenario of the lot) and ask him "What's YOUR deal, man?"

4. Count the possible uniform combinations of the Oregon Ducks. This ought to put you off of anything football for about 2 months. But if that fails, you can count their arrest records, or tally how much money they wasted on Joey Harrington's Heisman campaign. You can also count the used tissues from Ducks fans crying about "If Dixon hadn't gotten hurt, he would have won the Heisman". See, making fun of the Ducks makes us all feel better. No thoughts of expansion here.

5. Go the Cal Berkley and chill out on Telegraph Avenue. They have some good shit down there. I know, I have partaken of it myself. Shit you could throw against the wall and it would stick. "It's like, if you took that Blue Oyster shit I gave you last week, and then that crazy African Kush I had that one time... and they had a baby. And then meanwhile, that crazy Northern Light shit I had, and that Red shit I had, made a baby. And by some crazy miracle, those two babies got together, and fucked... this would be it!" There has never been a recorded overdose on marijuana, but if it were going to happen, it would be at Cal Berkley. They have some kick ass mushrooms out there too, and after a few caps and a couple of bong rips, the only thing that will be expanding is your sweet tooth and your perception of reality.

6. Lobby for a second professional football team in Los Angeles. I mean, they already pay them at U$C, so technically they already have one established.

7. Pass some stupid, personal freedom infringing law. You know, like the "no plastic bags" ordinance, or the public smoking ban...but be more creative. Truly let go and embrace the uppity American Euro-trash you are, make it Mandatory Cardigan Sweater Mondays...or Birkenstock Sandals Only Zones. Let your sense of self importance and imposing your will on other people soar.

8. Watch the World Cup, it is much like PAC 10 football...only relevant every 4 years.

 *** This site is intended for mature, knowledgeable, true fans of college football. If you are easily offended by homer opinions, strong language, brutal honesty, tasteless humor, PAC 10 pillow fights, or visor throwing-this isn’t the site for you. We here at TBDPITL are incapable of being sympathetic and politically correct, so strap on a pair and check your sensitive feelings at the door.