Not So Top 10 Things to See at the Beach

(This goes out to my "cuttin' fools" partner in crime, Kels)

Now that most areas of the country are thawing out, we can turn our thoughts to spring...except here in Florida. We skip spring and dive right into summer. And with summer comes trips to the beach. With trips to the beach comes some pretty scary ocular situations. Some things are so horrid that mere words cannot describe them...but you know me...I am going to try like Hell anyway. So without further hesitation, The Greek brings to you The Not So Top 10 Things to See at the Beach.


10. Unidentifiable, Possibly Fecal, Material- Nothing worse than running for a wayward frisbee and skidding 30 feet or so, using your feet as a fecal skim board, looking back at the offending landmine. Sometimes you can feel better about it if you have some clues as to it's origin. Like the above picture, a feather gives you a pretty good estimation that it was bird shit you skidded through. But some cases are more traumatic...like when there is no feather, yet a few feet away from the residue you gaze at a diaper...worse yet...and adult sized diaper. And let's not even mention unidentifiable, possibly fecal, floating material.


9. Babies in Diapers- Yeah, I know, it's better than them running around naked, snapping off deuces in the surf...yet it still repulses me. Nothing worse than seeing a bloated diaper, swollen from what you pray is just seawater, and swimming near them makes me feel like I am swimming around in a port-o-potty. I do realize that I am probably swimming with whale jizz and fish shit, but do I have to swim around lil' Precious' excretion filter as well? What really gets me are the lazy ass parents who can't walk 30 steps to the trashcan after Junior loads one of those bad boys up. Instead, they stock pile them in the sun, letting them fester all day...and then conveniently forget to throw them away as they leave the beach.


8. Saggy Boobs (aka Kneeshooters)- Nothing worse than seeing these floppy fleshbags flailing on some chick walking down the beach. One could imagine that they look like two fried eggs hanging from a nail, or tangerines in tube socks come to mind. Never the less, could we get some duct tape and prop them up a bit...or mush them together and make one decent boob?


7. Fat Lifeguards- Never trust a skinny chef...and never trust a fat lifeguard. Forgive me, but I do not want someone with a blood type of gravy being responsible for my well being at the beach. True, it is better than some douchetard young lifeguard, coming down from a rave the night before, too worried about his tan to pay attention to people being sucked out by rip currents. However, I also don't want to be getting CPR from a tubby lifeguard and then Jumbo chokes up a bearclaw in my mouth. No thank you.


6. Moobs (aka Man Boobs)- Nothing more disgusting than looking at some slob waddling down the beach with his Moobs jiggling. Nothing wrong with being fat...God Bless us all...but damn it Moby....wear a fucking shirt. Do you not have a mirror? You're fat...we accept it...why can't you?


5. Fat Chicks in Bikinis- As this applies to Moobs...it also applies to you ladies. I am sorry that your stretchmarks resemble a topographical map of the Amazon River Basin, cover up. You look like a dollop from a front end loader full of tapioca pudding overflowing that poor mix of spandex and polyester. What's even worse is when you get hit by a wave...the atomic wedgie view is just unpleasant...and then you turn around to reveal your labia hanging out like saddlebags on Trigger. Please, stop the madness.


4. Really Bad Sunburns- What is it with you pasty white snowbirds? Do you not understand the concept of "sun block"? I saw a guy the other day that was PURPLE. It's painful to look at and just unpleasant. Do you not feel yourself roasting like a picnic ham in the heat? Do you not smell the burning flesh? Damn, I can hear the melanoma cells replicating as we speak. What blows me away even more, you are out there the very next day, running around, going from medium to well done...and you are oblivious. Oh well, natural selection is in full effect.


3. Fat Girls Laying Out In The Sun- Can you smell the bacon? Look sister, the group of people gathering around you is not the Florida welcoming committee nor did you win some prize. Those folks are from Sea World...the buckets full of water are to keep you wet until they can get a hoist to get your big ass back into the water. If you had covered up, they would have not mistaken those stretchmarks for propeller and harpoon scars. And the belly button ring...really? It looks like those metal clips on a roll of cookie dough...stop it already.


2. The Speedo- Who told you this looked good? Are you an Olympic Swimmer? Looks like you are smuggling two grapes and a jalapeno. Some of you assholes look like you are smuggling two kiwi fruits and a cucumber...and I do not need my wife seeing that shit. It's hard enough to keep her happy during football season, I don't need that kind of pressure during the off season, you pricks! I also don't need my daughter to see your obvious abnormality bouncing up and down the beach like a proud debutant on her show pony. Leave some mystery to whether you are circumcised or not.


1. Fat, Hairy Guy In a Speedo- Is that a fucking sweater? Do you actually mousse that fur coat or what? Holy Shit! Chewbacca is on vacation....look out ladies...Jumbo has on a speedo to boot. We could almost use you non-mirror-owning folks as a science experiment...because looking from what you are packing...only feet grow in the shade. And like our Bulky Bikini Ladies, one good wave, and we are staring at your raisin sack hanging out the side of your sling shot, and all we can think of is "Who threw the prune?"

Try and enjoy your summer folks.

 *** This site is intended for mature, knowledgeable, true fans of college football. If you are easily offended by homer opinions, strong language, brutal honesty, tasteless humor, PAC 10 pillow fights, or visor throwing-this isn’t the site for you. We here at TBDPITL are incapable of being sympathetic and politically correct, so strap on a pair and check your sensitive feelings at the door.