#5 Mike “Boom Boom” Locksley Record 1-11 Yes, college football’s answer to Tom Cable. Neither can coach worth a shit, but both have one hell of a right hook. I guess Mike started his MMA career while serving as a runningbacks coach and recruiting coordinator at Florida under Ron Zook (and you wonder why Mike is on this list…pfft!) during the very forgettable 2003 and 2004 seasons. But why is Mike on this list? We can look no further than the brawl between the UF football team and the We Weara Jhorts Fraternity in which the football players got beat up, came back with more football players, and still had to be saved by Ron and his famous “I’ll get this fraternity thrown out of this school for kicking my weak ass player’s butts” mentality. That and the fact it took Mike 2 spring practices and 1 full season to figure out that Ciatrick Fason could run the football (at least at the college level….sorry Vikings).

Keeping things in perspective…it IS New Mexico. It’s not like they have ever been a powerhouse in football…or any sport for that matter. (And yes, I know their hoops team is nationally ranked…and so was North Carolina at the beginning of the season. Come get me when they make it to the Elite Eight…till then New Mexico fan…pipe down). New Mexico is so crappy, even General Antonio Lopez de Santa Anna thought that there was nothing redeeming about New Mexico…why do you think he attacked the Alamo instead?

Enough of the history lessons…the one that should be history is Mike Locksley. How he was retained is beyond me. Speaks volumes for the goals at New Mexico…or maybe he subscribes to the Ron Zook School of Blackmail (see #1 in the countdown) Maybe they should hire Mills Lane on the staff….especially for keeping control during staff meetings?

It’s bad when the one shining moment of your coaching career is beating Dan Hawkins and his inept son.

#4 David Elson-Record 39-44 (9-27 in the FBS) What is there to say about David Elson? Not much, which goes hand in hand with the Western Kentucky football program. They are terrible…both of them. It’s like Nancy Pelosi and Rosie O’Donnell scissor grinding, both are to blame for the welling digestive juices in my throat, and neither should be viewed by the public.

Let’s take a deeper look at this Anatomy of Disaster. We all know what motivates a program to make the leap from the FCS to the FBS. Simply put…money. Looks like WKU ignored the finer points of being a successful FBS program.

Step 1: A great stadium and atmosphere for college football. They failed here…but not too badly. L.T. Smith Stadium (Didn’t he play tight end for the Eagles?) is a quaint 22000 seat facility nestled in the wonderful setting of Bowling Green, Kentucky. But honestly, we get bigger crowds here in Florida for high school wrestling matches.

Step 2: Have a coach that is an established leader, a proven winner, and a visionary. The prosecution presents David Elson. Let’s see if you can spot the red flag warning signs.

2003 9-4 with a second round exit in the 1-AA playoffs

2004 9-3 with a first round exit in the 1-AA playoffs

Danger Will Robinson, danger!

2005 6-5 in the Gateway

2006 6-5 in the Gateway

Here’s a gem:

2007 7-5 as an independent while playing the likes of West Virginia Tech (this is an actual school, but beating up on a handful of tack welders and farm mechanics is not impressive), The University for Asthmatic Athletes, Amputee University, and Catatonic State.

2008 2-10

2009 0-12

Well, I guess I can see where I was wrong. Elson was obviously the man to take WKU to the next level. Who better to represent a school whose mascot is a used Kotex?

#3 Ron English-Record 0-12 (1st year as a head coach) Well, I can feel this next segment dripping with immaturity.  How bad?  Like cloudy, bacteria infested taint juice navigating south from the geyser of a vagina that inhabits Heidi Fleiss' lower region after a quick strike train running by Shaq, Godzilla, and Webster. Why Webster? Because he crawled up in there. So let's get started, shall we? You remember those Conan O'Brien (you know, back when he was GOOD) skits where he took two people, pretended they had sex, and prospected on what their child might look like...taking the most hideous deformities and combining them? "What if they made it?" was what it was called. Well, if they did a college football version, then showed a picture of Denzel Washington from Crimson Tide and hypothesized him putting the peter to Bill Cowher's colon, their love child might look a little like Ron English, head coach of the Eastern Michigan Eagles. 

Little history lesson for you. When EMU was founded, it was called the Michigan State Normal School.  This is the most ridiculous name in the history of colleges. Worse even than "Bowling Green." At some point, they decided that since Ypsilanti is in pretty much the middle of Michigan, they'd name it "Eastern Michigan," dispelling any doubts as to whether or not compasses had yet made their way to that part of the country. You know, like condoms and Mexico. 

But this is less about being Normal, than the football season of 2009. After all, what the fuck do we as Americans know about normal? We've celebritized Alicia Keys, who makes me want to jam a pitchfork...or Webster... (the entire thing) in my ears. So I'm sitting here right now, and Justin Timberlake is on TV with some fat black man singing a song about eating fast food and relating it to sleeping with women, and I think "is there anything more awful than this?" And the answer is "slightly yes, but only slightly." Going 0-12 in college football is a fucking achievement, my friends.  With the copious amounts of shitty teams available to schedule and the NCAA's rewarding now of playing FCS schools, how can you not win just one? Like those Lay's commercials that make me think instead of the Pussycat Dolls...betcha can't eat just one...right? Well, I'm 0 for however many Pussycat Dolls there are, and EMU is 0 for wins under Hot Ron. To their credit, they did play Northwestern to a 3 point loss, and only lost to Akron (yes, a true barometer of never giving up) by 7 in their finale. Then there was the allowing 50 points to NIU, who hasn't scored 50 points since James Polk was alive I think.( Random James Polk reference, right?) I don't really get how EMU sucks so much. There are THREE directional Michigan schools (most of any state in the nation, and 4 if you count Northern) and even a Michigan school that reminds you that it's actually a state (in case you were wondering?). Yet EMU pulls from the same pool, and completely sucks more than the rest. What is it about being East that sucks more than being Central or West? (editors note: CMU actually is somewhat in the center of the state, and Western is in generally speaking, the western part). 

But things will pick up, right? Four years ago, Ron English was a hot name in college football. The NFL wanted him. Other schools wanted him. Lloyd Carr begged him to stay. English realized that Michigan was the only place he could keep a job not actually having to coach pass defense. So he stayed. And he got fired. Then he went to Louisville amidst other suitors (for some reason). Then he helped the Ville go from questionable on defense to "completely fucking The Fray type of terrible." Then he got promoted!  Gotta love America. Odds are, Ron won't go 0 fer this year. Don't they play Michigan again? But hell, just in case that happens, never fear, Mr. English...for if you do go winless again, you can expect a call from the Detroit Lions and a stiff raise.

#2 Mark Mangino Record-Who Cares? This guy could be undefeated and still deserve to be on this list- I've always held this theory that I lay on people about lard asses. It goes something like this: Fat men are generally nice people. They don't blame anyone for their obesity, and often times, embrace it as "the fat dude whose blood type is "beer." They're comfortable with it. Some even get laid because of that demeanor. Fat women, on the other hand, are mean, spiteful, and bitter at the world for somehow making food exist. They blame their insecurity on others, and generally are not nice individuals. So it saddens me to write this essential obituary for "the jolly fat guy." Hell, Santa's made a living off of being a nice guy who eats too much Little Debbie.

Mark Mangino exemplifies (here goes ANY shot of him giving this site an interview) everything that's wrong with life. That's right...LIFE. Hard core. He doesn't take care of himself. To the degree that when he lays out at the beach on vacation, PETA tries to find 4,000 people to help push him back to sea so he doesn't dry out before realizing he's a person. He doesn't take care of others, evidenced by his "so offensive, the oft overused term "racist" doesn't even due justice" commentary regarding players who apparently didn't play up to snuff for him. And he's America in a nutshell. He was pretty nondescript before the 2007-2008 season. He'd done nothing but get Kansas to bowl games, which with 34 bowl contests is slightly harder than conjuring up diarreah one night after a 5th of Beam. He then got a raise. And an extension. Which may or may not have included putting Golden Corral stops on the company card (estimated worth: 14 million per calendar year). That's America for you. It's why people like Jamiee Grubbs are now stars. Do nothing. Be a useless tramp. Get on TV. Parlay that into banging Tiger Woods (anyone else think he has a God complex? Grubbs looks like him). Never hafta do anything again. That's where we live right now. Mangino spent one season looking like he caught lightning in a bottle and trapped it, then bled KU for as much as he could, knowing that he has a better chance of fitting in a bumper car than going 12-1 there again.

In spite of returning enough starters to make you think they should be halfway decent to the tune of 9 wins or so, KU ran off 7 straight losses to "end" their season. A few days ago, I heard a story, and it reminded me of Mark....went like this...

A guy goes out one night and buys a hooker. Treats himself. He takes her home, they start screwing. They go at it for about 5 minutes before the guy starts thinking...damn, this kinda hurts. He ignores it. But it doesn't stop. It gets worse. He throws the hooker off his crank and says "I can't do this anymore." She says "why, what's wrong?" He says "my dick...it feels like it's bleeding. It's too dry and I'm hurting." The hooker gets this thoughtful look on her face and says "hmm, okay, hold on a sec..." She leaves the bed and goes to the guy's bathroom. Five minutes later, she comes out and they start going at it again. He's plowing her from behind and says "damn, this feels GREAT. What the hell did you do in there?" She turns around and looks up at him and says "nothing really, just pulled off the scabs..."

KU has pulled the scabs off it's program. That's why Turner Gill's the coach now and Mark Mangino's not.

#1 Ron Zook- Career Record 44-53-Record at Illinois 21-39: You may think this is just the rumblings of a bitter Gator fan. Believe me, it’s not. I could go through Zook’s countless blunders as coach of Florida, itemize them, and be done with it. But where’s the fun in that?

Zook was given the job at Florida…mainly because no one wanted to follow in Spurrier’s footsteps. The program was in fine shape when Ron Zook came to Gainesville. It was like bowling on a lane with those corrugated bumpers, you couldn’t miss.

But Ron Zook managed to throw gutterball after gutterball. Even after his departure from Florida, Gator fans still loved the Zooker…up until last year. He decided to whine like a bitch that got caught cheating by her boyfriend and subsequently dumped like the whore she/he is.

“I haven’t been there for 5 years and I am still getting blamed for stuff there (at Florida).”

Really, Ron? You live in denial more than USC fans about their upcoming sphincter plunging by the NCAA Infractions Committee. You were at the helm during the worst 3 year stretch for the Florida program since 1987-1989. The damn program could have run itself (and may have been better off doing so instead of hiring you). Instead, Florida booted your ass to the curb, and Urban took your rag tag recruiting classes and won a National title only a year after your departure.

But let’s move forward to now. A 21-39 record at Illinois, and you come back for a sixth year. It only makes sense to ask the question “What kind of blackmail do you have on the AD and President at Illinois?” Seriously, how the hell do you keep your job being 17 games under .500? Illinois is not Purdue, Indiana, or Northwestern, where losing is expected. Sure, the IQ levels may be the same, and the passion for football very similar…but I digress.

The buzz was that Zook was on heck of a recruiter. That’s all well and good, but when you coach like John Daly dresses and parents, then what the hell good does it do? It’s like giving enriched uranium, a warhead, propellant, and a targeting system to a mongoloid and expecting them to successfully launch the nuke. For example, Zook landed Juice Williams, probably the best player to hit Illinois since Jeff George(man, that is a really sad statement there)…and a few years under Zook, and Juice Williams ended up looking and playing like Juice Newton.

But the tell tale sign is this…when Gary Pinkel and Missouri make you their bitch…you don’t need to be coaching any more.