10. Dave Wannestadt: 2009 record: 10-3

You may be wondering what in the hell is a 10 win coach doing in this count down? You may also ask yourself what Dave has to do to remove himself from the NST 10 Worst Coaches list?

It’s what he can’t do that will keep him here.

No, we are not talking about being competitive in the Big East. He’s been that. But it’s the Big East. Going 9-3 almost every year there is like going 6-6 in the Big 10…or 5-7 like Dave’s Big East counterpart Rich Rodriguez.  Wannestadt is more like a chick at a porn audition….the one that doesn’t get the part. Kind of hot in the right light, but the razor bumps and butt pimples just kills it. Sure, she blew a few…but she really choked on the big one. That’s Wannestadt. Inexplicable losses, losing the ones that count the most, yet winning just enough to keep his job. So Dave is nothing more than a really hot fluff girl that has a 2 inch gag reflex.

Losing to NC State is like Linda Lovelace choking on an infant’s schlong.

But Pitt finished with 10 wins, the first time since 1981, and Dave will keep his job. Pitt will keep finishing second in the Big East, being nothing more than a fluff girl for teams like Cincinnati and West Virginia.

Earlier this year, I used his whole career to judge him. This year, all I had to do is look at the schedule.

But hey, at least his mustache looks good….right?

9. Mike Haywood: 2009 record: 2-11 (3-21 career)

Im'a tell you a quick story. Back in my (super) senior year in college, I got this stupid idea one morning while we were all drinking at a bar between classes. I was gonna go down to the AD's office (at a school I'd never played at) and find out how to file paperwork to declare myself eligible for the NBA draft. I averaged 4.5 ppg in college. I didn't get drafted. In high school, just for shits, I applied to Yale. I also once asked Mandy Moore on a date. She didn't respond, other than in disgusted non-verbal communication. What's the point of all this? Mike Haywood. Ever apply for something that you have no business even laying in bed, half mast, touching yourself whilst thinking about having? We all have. Haywood got it. And he started off well enough. With guys he never actually had to recruit. I mean, look at how awful Brady Quinn is NOW. Clearly, it was all Mike Haywood. Quick, coach, before you leave the podium, can you look real menacing (as menacing as one can with an N'Sync meets Styx on roids haircut), chug something that looks like bull semen, then say "Now I'm done."?

Then, all of Willingham's awful players graduated, and ones Mike helped recruit came into South Bend (over and grab your ankles for 16 years and counting). And ND went from top 10 in the nation in 2005 to 116th. On the uptick, they did finish ahead of FIU, which sounds more like something you'd say to your in-laws before snickering only to yourself because no one gets the acronym but are SURE anything with an F and a U in it isn't good. So, after that dismal performance that saw Notre Dame decrease in national ranking every year Haywood was on the job, what did Miami of the Ohio, colder, but more able to walk around and not be shot version do for him? Promotion! It's like in Office Space, when the guy does nothing to keep his job, but he keeps moving up. And Charlie Weis is the guy looking for his red stapler.

I think in the interview, Haywood said "I promise to do exactly what I did at Notre Dame" and someone assumed that was a good idea. Because if he's nothing (like his winning percentage), he's consistent. He's run what once was a school that consistently competed for the MAC title into the ground. To the tune of 3 wins. Over TWO years. Which is sad, because Oxford is a nice visit. The girls are rich, cute, and stupid. But a little on the hairy side. Like every offense Mike has run. If I were him, I'd figure that my "plan to win fewer games than years that I stay" ordeal might run it's course after this year. So I'd get my resume together. There should be a few NFL teams looking for a new head man in 2010...

8. Dan Hawkins: 2009 record: 5-7

nep·o·tism

(něp'ə-tĭz'əm)

n. Favoritism shown or patronage granted to relatives, as in business.

And so we begin with Dan Hawkins. Recently, I was able to attach an audio recording device to one of Mrs. Hawkins' sex toys. It was hard to get the double sided tape to adhere, with about 15 years of dust collecting on it, plus the faint smell of unwashed poop that made me gag. But I got a chance to take a listen to their "discussion" following Colorado's loss to Nebraska...

Mrs: (slamming down the Hamburger Helper on the table in disgust) Fuck, Dan. How nice of you to let Cody play after that other kid went down. You know, like you did on me the night we decided to have Cody? I didn't sit in labor for 30 hours popping out that other quarterback, did I? Shit Dan, I'm going to stay at my mother's this weekend I think.

Dan: Crissakes, honey, they extended my contract...and I didn't get fired. Go back to that dick suck you used to date...what was his name, Dick Koetter? Last name sounds like your geni's....Cooter? How many Boise State coaches are you gonna bang and then complain about it after the fact? Like I said, extended contract...

Mrs: But not an extended penis, so what the fuck does it matter to me? I get half anyway. I'm just hanging around making sure you don't do something stupid like go 12-1 and get a raise. That fat bastard in your division did it, so I'm thinking the second I leave, you will too.

Cody: (in the living room, sucking on a ring pop and watching Smurfs reruns) Mommy, the big green flavored diamond's almost gone! (starts to whimper)

Mrs: I'm sorry, Cody. Soon your ring will be as useless as the one on MY finger.

Dan: Fine. If you're gonna be a bitch, give me my St. Ides and I'll be in my "den" watching snuff.

Mrs: Yeah, right. Porn to you is old footage of Mike Westbrook. You know. When Colorado won games and went to bowls? They had a Taliban member named Rashaan Salaam win a Heisman. You can't win 6?

Dan: Honey, they also had Kordell Stewart...look at the rat fuck QB I have...

Mrs: Kordell had genital warts growing out of his face....and WHAT?! Was that a shot at Cody?

Dan: Babe, he should be a kicker. But since I'm coach and my name's on the office door, he can play QB. Basically, I'm on the cusp of the worst example of American nepotism since Aaron Spelling tried to convince us that Tori could act.

Mrs: She's doing well for herself. Give me a hit of that Ides...it might make you cute.

Cody: Mommy, is Eureka real? And can dinosaurs speak English, or is Little Foot just really smart? No...his momma died....(cries uncontrollably, to the point where he shits his diaper...)

Dan: If only you were so lucky....(under his breath)

Mrs: Cody, Bambi's mom died too and you shit yourself. What is it with you?

Dan: He's a pussy. I keep telling you. He should be playing in the ACC. Oh, and Bambi was a slut anyway.

Cody: Mommy, Daddy's being mean. Is Little Foot a slut too?

Dan: You know any strippers named "Little Foot?" I rest my case.

Cody: I would, if CU would let us out past 8 PM.

Mrs: Thank Gary Barnett for that. Whoda thought...college kids getting drunk and forcing themselves upon women.

Cody: What's college? Is that when you put a bunch of pictures together and modge podge them on poster board?

Dan: That's "collAge" you dumb shit.

Mrs: I wish Gary Barnett would have forced himself on me...

Dan: Yeah, well, you were hotter when I was in Boise.

Mrs: I'll tell you right fucking now, Dan, if you don't let our boy start next year, Lorena Bobbitt will write Bible verses about me, because I'll be her god after I cut that shriveled piece of skin off and make you chew it.

Cody: Mommy, I'm hungry and the breast pump is clogged....

Dan: You know what? Fine. He can start next year. And then we can lose, and then maybe I would be happier with just half my life savings while you go taking the other half and snort it. You're no better than Elin Woods. Although she's a lot better looking....

Mrs: (storming out the door) You know what? I'm calling Chris Peterson...

My tape cut off after this point. After all, it is just a tape. I can't do neat things like on Ghosthunters, where I put shit all up on the walls and then fake noises so people think we're good at catching stuff that doesn't exist. I played NCAA football last night, and for whatever reason, I found myself looking over CU's roster. There was a "modify coach" tab, and when I clicked on it, it said Hawkins has a mullet. Fitting, since he looks like a miserable version of Kurt Russell, ala "Breakdown." Losing 7 games these days makes you a shitty coach. Marshall today played in a bowl game. Wyoming did last week. These are teams that play in bowl games, but Colorado (yes, I know, and fucking Michigan) doesn't. This is what makes Hawkins terrible. His kid can't play, and it reminds me of the time my brother was in 8th grade. His football coach had a kid. His kid weighed about 100 lbs, soaking fuckin wet. With Britney's juices...which add 10 lbs in bacteria. My brother was a big ole sucker. As were about 10 other kids on the team. But since the coach was a tub of goo and played O-Line, he made his kid play O-line. Never mind that a prairie dog could mow him over with a bull rush. My brother didn't win a lotta games. Nepotism can get you fired. Birkenstocks can make you look really gay. At Colorado, you get both.

7. Stan Parrish: 2009 Record: 2-10 (4-41-1 career)

Well shit, is this a retraction, or further indictment that we were right? I mean, Stan the man was #3 preseason, but overachieved his way to a #7 ranking to finish it out. He matched his career FBS wins (you know, two, as in how many testicles you have...sorry Adolf). The people who thought Parrish was a good idea and apparently still do are dumber than the law enforcement around Phillip Garrido's joint. I mean, a multiple rapist, prison inmate, and kidnapper? Never thought that a giant ass plantation in his backyard covered from sight by wood might be a precursor to bad things? And how does he have the money for this shit...I mean, he's a rapist. Nowadays, you can't get a job with a college degree. Yet this guy's building an under and above ground empire? Vexing. Like Stan Parrish.

Not to say that he didn't try. I mean, he lost to New Hampshire, Army, and North Texas all in the same year. I checked with my stat guy, and he said "dude, that's never happened in the history of football." So again, after a one year reprise, Ball State football is back on the national Milk Carton under the "Have you seen..." script where every time I go to Wal-Mart, I see 5 fat, mid 40s perverts staring at with that look that says "shit, now I hafta move to another state where they don't sell milk...like California, because those whack jobs think it needs to be proven that cows enjoy being milked before it should be legal....then I can have her another 10 years...". Only, Ball State's parents aren't exactly putting pleas on Dateline saying "please, give our football back to us." It's Muncie. They party at Big Lots and refer to Icehouse as "champagne." And not the kind that loses 9 games a year in Illinois. In a way, Stan's kinda brought BSU back to its roots, before Brady Hoke decided that losing isn't fun, and even the cross dressers in San Diego look better than the women in Muncie...was significantly more fun. Before Hoke, BSU was on the threshold of losing D-1A status. Since then, they've changed the name to something slightly less annoying to type, like FBS. Within a few years, and a few more losses to Directional Texas of the Whatever, Vermont, and the Clark County Sherriff’s office flag football team....boom (in my best, fat former Oakland Raiders coach that needs a trough full of hot wax and a paint roller to clean up those eyebrows)...BSU is back in the FCS. Too bad, because BSU and FBS had a ring to them. And something in common. BS.

6. Todd Dodge: 2009 record 2-10 (career 5-31)

Todd Dodge has a job, yet millions of Americans are unemployed. But don’t blame Todd. Blame North Texas and Athletic Director Rick Villarreal.

Somehow Rick thought it would be great if he took a successful high school coach and threw him into the college ranks. What was he thinking? At McDonald’s, they don’t look at the zit faced teenaged social reject kid making fries and say “You know, he’s pretty good at making fries. Let’s promote him to Regional Manager!”

And not that North Texas is as successful as McDonald’s. They are in the Sun Belt Conference, which is also known as the SEC’s personal gimp closet. Whenever an SEC team wants to get its freak on, they just dial up a Sun Belt team, and go all Marv Albert on them. There is that oft time the gimp gets loose, grabs the double donger, and takes control…you remember that, don’t you Bammers?

Back to Todd, although discussing deviant sexual practices is much more interesting. He has this year to get it together and win. I don’t know how much more time he has. For Todd, it is lunch time, the drive thru line is wrapped around the building, and he’s running out of fries.