Retractions: No...it's not pulling out...

Teddy and myself created the NST 10's Worst Coaches list at the beginning of the season. Much like the bombing of Trinidad, we made a few errors. Unfortunately our errors did not result in the destruction of a French Embassy. It did however leave a foul taste in our mouths...aside from the hooker spit and Old English from the night before. So kick back and enjoy our retractions...because we sure as hell didn't!

FROM THE DESK OF TEDDYDUPAY:

I remember the last time I said I was "wrong."  It's not a funny thing to admit.  I remember it semi-well, at least.  I met this girl at a bar.  It was called "The Vogue."  It was 80s night.  It also doubled as college night.  I don't remember her name.  I don't know that I ever knew.  But that's not the issue.  I remember her asking me to the dance floor, or rather grabbing me from my seance circle of Yager shots, and then grabbing my junk the first song we were out there for.  I then whispered into her ear, "you're a slut, aren't ya?" in the most playful way I could call someone a slut and not get slapped.  She said "naw, I'm not one of those girls. I'm a teacher. You'll see, you're wrong."  Three hours later, I was going to drop my buddy off at his car.  With her in the middle seat of my truck.  And I wasn't dropping her off.  Later on that morning, after another night I can barely remember but will never forget, we might have been unclothed, and she said "admit you were wrong about me being a slut." as a "you won't get any until you say it" preface.  So I said it.  "I was wrong."  One night stand ensued.  Til now, that's the last time I recall admitting wrong-ness.

Our first subject is named Gene Chizik, once ranked 6th in the Not So Top 10 Worst Coaches edition, preseason 2009.  I might have let my bias of "people who have Z's in their name" get the best of me.  I mean, look at terrorists.  They all have Z's in their names.  Ayman al-Zawahiri?  Abu Musab al-Zarqawi?  The last one's dead, by the way.  Like a door peg.  And yeah, they're terrorists.  Then you've got Giuseppe Zangara.  Who tried to kill FDR.  What, too soon?  Okay, well how about coaches that have z's in their names?  Zook?  Zorn?  That's just off the top of my head.  So yeah, Z's suck.  And seriously, terrorists, you have U's after Q's, you dumb bastards.  No wonder no one respects  you. 

Of course, I could be putting aside my bias of the 26th letter in the alphabet and looked at Chizy's record coming into the Auburn job.  I mean, it was like dating the girl that everyone said was a whore.  Yeah, she put out 5 minutes into the first date, but YOU (Auburn) felt like she just got in bad situations (you know, guys wanting some).  Even Auburn fans weren't happy.  Remember when Saban was announced?  I thought someone would show up in an obituary under "accidental death, drowning in statewide ejaculatory juice."  When Chizik was announced?  People booed, because they were sure he'd continue the Auburn trend of "never winning national titles."  And then there was Charles Barkley, who didn't know Iowa was a state, let alone that the two words actually formed to make a college.  Who hated Gene because he wasn't black.  Thanks, Chuck.  A LOT he could do about that one. 

But Gene called me one day this year and said "just see, you'll watch, we'll be gooder than you think."  He might have been drunk.  Just see, you'll watch?  C'mon now.  Turns out what was holding down Gene wasn't the fact that he wasn't black, it's the fact that he was in Iowa State.  Or was it?  Auburn started out 5-0, and I was even forced to rank them.  When they beat WVU in the battle of "Coaches the universities don't actually want...but hey, we can say they're nice guys and that's worth a few wins, right?"  Then, they imploded.  Their upsets of OOC heavyweights like La Tech and Ball State weren't precursors of their talent.  Kentucky beat them.  Arkansas sodomized them.  Then, the nadir of Gene's coaching performance in that last few minutes against Alabama, where he treated timeouts like KISS treated that "reunion tour."  "We're here...so let's make the complete worst of it and undo any good feelings people might still have about tongues long enough to tickle the kidneys when inserted into the butt-hole."  Or something like that, right Gene-o?  Well, Auburn lost.  So they finished 7-5, winning about 0.5 meaningful games.  But I called them to last place in the SEC West, so by proxy I guess I was wrong.  I mean, Gene's really overachieved....look at how far Iowa State has fallen since his departure.  Oh, what....they're appearing in their first bowl game since Polk was in office?  Shit.  Welp, sorry Gene, I was only half wrong.  Go to Home Depot and paint  your skin.  Then at least Charles Barkley will say you're worth your money.

The focus for our second over-underachiever comes to us from our brothers (mostly from another country) down south in Miami.  Guns, crack, and heroin(e) (no, not Wonder Woman, the other kind  you shoot) weren't the only thing in abundance this year in Coral Gables.  Wins decided to make their way to everyone's least favorite city this season.  And to be honest, I was aghast.  It wasn't necessarily because of coaching per say, but that's part of it.  Even if the guy on the sidelines is Dandy Randy Shannon (never trust people who have female last names).  We all thought the Canes offense would go to shit once Patrick Nix was fired (insert background laughing here, the way Full House did when the Olsen twins did something completely not funny, but since they were kids the laugh track was cue'd up.  Before they started sucking dick for quarters).

I had a feeling I was in for it the first week of the season, when 38 points later, Randy one upped a guy sure to appear on NEXT year's list at some point, Jimbo Fisher (trust people even LESS when they have a 4 year old's nickname as their first name).  Then they beat GT by putting 11 in the box, because Paul Johnson hadn't yet figured out that the forward pass is legal.  Thankfully for the Wreck and their fans, he dug up Fielding Yost and had him confirm it that next week.  Then, to make matters worse, Sam Bradford (remember him?) went down and beating OU was all but a certainty. So easy, even Bill Belichick could have done it (tongue in cheek, or cooter).  Then came the Clemson game, where my life's work hating Randy Shannon changed forever.  They did a story on how his pops was killed when ole Randall was only 3.  Then the stories about his siblings' demise (notice where the apostraphe is...for people who are from Indiana...it means PLURAL).  And I'm not gonna lie, I kinda felt bad.  Kinda felt like no amount of shitty coaching should force me to call him out.  So I my heart pretended to cry.  Then I listened to some White Zombie.  Kicked a few cats.  Things like that.

The season for "The U" went kinda nondescript from there on out.  A predictable loss to Butch Davis, who taught Shannon the finer arts of recruiting players that couldn't read.  Or did he?  Yep, again, Shannon decided that he's not really into my brand of criticism.  Two schools won the AFCA Academic award this year for graduating the class of 2002 at 100%.  Notre Dame (does Charlie Weis get to accept the award, or do they just send a facsimile trophy in chocolate?) and...you guessed it, Miami.  So let me get this straight...Randall somehow managed to get a 9 win season out of a bunch of guys who graduated as well?  At Miami?  I'd insert a joke about just needing to know how to read the menu at Burger King being enough to earn said diploma, but at this point, my goose is cooked.

Randy did a good job.  There's no denying it.  I've never been one to be hesitant to admit I was wrong on all accords (other than the Olsen twins loving semen so much, they use it to down Tylenol when they're sick).  Shannon, while rough around the edges sometimes...appears to be a good guy who wipes his ass when he shits.  Or as some people would say "does it the right way."  Either way, good job.  Now your next task?  Tell your dumb-ass fans (all 7 of them that show up to games) that you don't need to use 4 fingers for us to understand that putting thumbs together in a 90 degree angle is a "U".  Idiots.

Well, there you have it.  As I finished this up, I remembered something.  Her name was Mindy.  And she called me the next day, wanting me to go to a bar near her apartment.  Figuring I would, because "the promise of supposedly meaningless sex will get any guy to go anywhere."  I didn't go.  On a one night stand, the girl knows you probably don't like her.  If you actively take time out of your day to go see her again, rest assured she will assume you do.  Then you've got a problem.  One that can easily be fixed by going out and getting someone else drunk enough to think you're cute.  Sorry Mindy.  You're no Randy Shannon. 

FROM THE DESK OF THE GREEK:

Well damn. Lane Kiffin won 7 games this year. I was calling for 5…6 at best. So I was wrong. As I lamented about writing this retraction much like Pinto did about nailing Dean Wormer’s drunk, under aged, and unconscious daughter (That’s an Animal House reference for you young folks), news broke about The Best Little Whorehouse in Knoxville sending “hostesses” to high school football games and “supporting” current Vol recruits.

 

Oh the irony…but more on that later.

 

Here’s what I wrote at the beginning of the season: “Lastly….Lane was 5-15. This all translates into a brutal season for the Vols. Meyer is going to go all Ike Turner on Lane, Richt probably has a jig or two on the dance card, Saban will crucify him, and Spurrier…well…it’s South Carolina…anything can happen.”

 

Meyer didn’t go all Ike Turner…more like Eline Woods. He chased Kiffin all over with a golf club…looking to tee off on his ass, but Lane kept the ball away by playing NOT to get blown, sacrificing his integrity along the way , letting his balls get the best of him…much like Tiger. As for Richt, well, that must tell you what a sad state of affairs Georgia is in when the Ashton Kutcher of the SEC puts an ass whipping on you. Saban didn’t crucify Lane either. He escaped. I came away from that game feeling like Marylin Chambers after her first scene with John “The Wad” Holmes…scared, hurt, and worried…and eerily impressed. I was sick to my stomach thinking about having to write this retraction at that point and time…knowing they were going to turn the corner after that game and finish the season 8-4.

 

How quickly things change.

 

NuKeese Richardson and some other very forgettable player, while waiting for Janzen Jackson to drop off the Vols Navy, decide to go all GTA:Knoxville and commit a robbery. It warmed my heart knowing that the very player Lane bragged about stealing away from Urban Meyer and Florida turned out to be a stupid thug. Then the curb stomping by Ole Miss. Tennessee STILL hasn’t tackled lil’ Dexter. The look on Kiffin’s face was priceless…almost like someone watching “two girls one cup” for the first time. Then they floundered their way to an overtime win against Kentucky.

 

I was feeling a bit better, and then “Ho-stess” Scandal at Tennessee leaked out. Now I don’t feel so bad at all…which is great, because between Florida losing to Alabama and me having to print a retraction about Idaho’s Robb Akey, I was border line suicidal. Life had lost all meaning.

 

Luckily, stories about Vols ho-stesses showing up to recruits high school games holding up signs saying “CUM Come to Tennessee”…reports of them “sexting” recruits, flirting on myspace and face book…shameful and illegal. And you know this is false advertising folks, those girls are from former Soviet Blocked countries, either that or they are hired models/porn actresses. No way they are from Tennessee…they have all their teeth and have different last names.

 

But Lane continues to be a smug little douche bag. He sees the investigation as a compliment. But don’t let me put words in his mouth (it would be hard for me anyway to work around his foot)…let’s hear his own words:

"I think when it comes to recruiting, we're at the highest level, and I think that people really want to know what we're doing. They want to know how are we able to get interest from so many great players, and sign so many great players, so I think you have a lot of people coming at us."

Really, Lane? You think the SEC and the NCAA talking to everyone of your recruits and their parents about possible violations are just a way to try and get you “trade secret” on recruiting? You are the equivalent of the employee at McDonald’s that makes the French fries when it comes to the SEC coaching order. They want to make sure you’re not violating rules…not trying to figure out what’s in the Colonel’ 7 herbs and spices.

And then there’s this little gem. Seems Lane has even more to worry about:

Kiffin confirmed that SEC officials are questioning Tennessee about an October recruiting trip to St. Thomas Aquinas High School in Fort Lauderdale, Fla., in which Kiffin was accompanied by recruiting intern Steve Rubio, a St. Thomas Aquinas graduate and former Vols assistant coach. Kiffin said Rubio acts as a personal assistant on some off-campus recruiting trips, but he did not think Rubio did any recruiting at the school, which would be a violation of NCAA rules.

What?…he didn’t think? That’s the first thing out of this arrogant yeast infections mouth that has been anywhere the truth.

 But there’s more. Of their trip to St. Thomas Aquinas:

 "I know that he [Rubio] went in there and saw some of his old teachers and saw some of his coaches. I don't know that he did [recruit] at all. I never want to say never, but I will pretty much say that he did not while I was with him. And I don't think he could have, because they were practicing during the time that he went inside, anyway."

 You have got to be kidding me Lane. Are you this dumb…or just so self centered and pompous that you really think we are dumb enough to buy this lie? He went to see his coaches…but did not have any contact with the players. My ass! Refresh my memory Lane…but who runs practices? Oh….coaches. And who also practices? Oh, the players.

 The NCAA is Al “Chuck Manson” Davis. They are lucid and have a bit more on the ball than old Al..Oh Lanie boy, you and your Vols are going to fry!

 So, yes, Lane is out of the NST 10 Worst Coaches List, but he won’t be out of the news. I have learned a lot from Lane…like if you want to hear an asshole’s opinion…either fart or put a microphone in front of Lane.

Enter Robb Akey. I would rather be castrated by Rosie O'Donnell's muff mauling mandible than to print a retraction about Coach Akey. It was all too perfect. Terrible team. Terrible team mascot. Terrible uniforms. Terrible "stadium". (Let's face it...Syracuse's Basketball team plays in front of more folks than what inhabits the Kibbles and Bits "Dome" any given Saturday.)

But I'll be damned if Idaho not only tripled their win total from last year...but they are going to a bowl game as well. I just can't win...I feel like a chick that just got a pap smear done with a hole punch.

There are two reasons why I dislike Akey so much...three if you count this retraction.

First, any coach that ends a rivalry is a total ass bag in my book. Granted...Washington State versus Idaho is NOT the Michigan versus Ohio State of the Northwest...by any stretch. Yet still...it is an old and storied rivalry. Yet Robb went on record as saying "It (the game) should only be a once and a while thing."(It's called the Battle of the Palouse-which is not a scrap between two queens for a pant suit at the fat womens consignment shop located between the two schools.) Why coach? Is it because you saw what an ass stomping was being handed out from 2001-2005 and Wazzu outscoring Idaho 253-65? You didn't want to have an annual loss on your schedule? (I hope he realized it was IDAHO he signed a contract with.)

No. Coach Akey claims that the two campuses are too close and would be too much trouble for local authorities. Sure...I can see it. The police force in Moscow, Idaho consists of the Mayor/Sheriff/Pastor/Sheep Breeder and his Barney Fife-esque deputy. How rowdy can it get in Moscow? Are we going by that one time they ran out of funnel cakes at the Monster Truck/Tractor Pull and Farm Animal Swap Meet? Get a grip...play the damn game.

Next, I just looked up at the bonus Robb gets for getting Idaho into a bowl game. $18,462 for taking Idaho to a bowl game. That's triple what the farrier gets when Miss Idaho doesn't throw a shoe in the talent part of the Miss Future Farmers of America Beauty Pageant and Pig Birthing Extravaganza.

I guess what makes this easier on me is the fact that Idaho lost 4 of their last 5 to end the season....that and the fact that their are 57 bowl games...so someone is bound to get in.

So Akey went 7-5 and is headed to a bowl. He's out of the NST 10...but unfortunately, not out of a job. But I am a believer Robb...I believe you can lose this bowl game with flair and return to the NST 10 next season.

Ah, the life of an optimist.