Leftovers and Stuff(ings)  

   Okay...so I just pounded down a Thanksgiving Day Greek Special (I know that sounds like a term you would find in the Urban Dictionary to describe a sexual act so depraved that it deserves a special name and a place in history)...it's actually a sandwich. Mayo, cranberry sauce, stuffing, turkey, and cheese. Damn, that's the stuff right there. I had the benefit of two Thanksgivings with a days space in between. All I can tell you...my wife cited me with a violation of the Clean Air Act and declared me a hostile nation due to testing biochemical weapons.

   So, reflecting on the long Holiday weekend, I am picking through the leftovers and here are my thoughts:

The Longhorns defense was exposed like George Michael in a public bathroom. Not to shit on A&M...but seriously....it's A&M. That's like getting scored on like a comatose sorority girl at a frat party by a Sun Belt school. They better grow a set on defense if they want to beat Nebraska. Nebraska's offense is garbage, but the defense is nasty. And it's not like we haven't seen Texas struggle offensively.

The Seminoles are dead. The program is flat lining before our eyes. Bobby Bowden kicked a field goal to avoid the shut out. Pay attention Randy Shannon....this is a field goal that means more to recruiting than YOU'LL ever know...dick. That field goal was FSU rolling over on their back in submission. That field goal was in front of a ton of recruits. Little did he know we were going to send out the practice squad on defense in the 4th quarter. The Noles had no fight. They had no heart. E.J. Manuel was like a deer in the headlights. I really don't think the outcome would have been much different even had Christian Ponder played. Anyway, read the Noles their last rites. If Bowden hangs around another year, throw the dirt over them.

Alabama showed another shred of vulnerability. They survived Auburn...and I mean....escaping like Tracey Edwards (look it up). Mark Ingram got banged up....and hip pointers are tough to play with and slow to heal. And even though Trent Richardson is a beast...there could be a liability on offense. You have the "Randy Moss" of college football and can barely get him the ball. The liability is McElroy. Ok...and only you Bammers can turn MICK-EL-ROY to MACKLE-ROY. Anyway...we are kicking your ass on Saturday. Enjoy the Sugar Bowl...do us a favor when you are there...nut up and SHOW up....how about that?

Tiger Woods...hmmm...can you spell cover up? Windows bashed in by wife with golf club (supposedly to save him from a crash that was uninspiring that the airbags didn't even deploy)...hmmm...this smells like domestic violence in Bithlo...remove SUV and insert Ford F150 with a camper on the back and wife with "bitch he was shacking up with", and golf club with tire iron from one of the many cars that are rusted out and not running in their front lawn of their double wide.

Finally, Tim Tebow is class. We are talking pinkie extended while drinking hooker spit out of her shoe class. He almost makes me ashamed of myself for writing this coulmn every week...and I really get dejected when it's because of a guy who turns down more ass than a toilet seat gets. In all seriousness, from the bottom of my scaley orange and blue heart...Thank you Tim Tebow.

So, this is it. The final Not So Top 10 of the 2009 season. Fear not ye faithful readers, I will be doing all kinds of stuff in the Not So Top 10. I am sure there weill be plenty to talk about until next August. So let's get on with the handing out of the Tyrone Willingham Trophy and the NST 10 National Championship:










1. Eastern Michigan (0-12) LW #1- Well, congratulations are in order for the Ypsilanti Correctional Community College Pigeons and Coach Ron English. You guys live in the moment. The Perfect Season is something to cherish. The Tyrone Willingham Trophy is yours. Throw a parade, all 12 fans will be thrilled...hell...you won't even have to clean up after it...no one could tell the difference. In all seriousness, they may not win it next year. They actually played some decent football for a few quarters this season. Anywyay, your 2009 NST 10 Champions: The Eastern Michigan University Eagles.

2. Western Kentucky (0-11) LW #2- The HillFloppers came close to winning their first game of the season...but instead snatched defeat from the jaws of victory for their NCAA leading 19th consecutive loss. So regardless of what the HillFloppers do next week in their finale, they won't be able to unseat YCCC. What they will be able to do is be preseason NST 10 #1 next year. They'll have a new coach as David Elson leaves the program's carcass in the Sun Belt to rot at the bottom. (It reminds me of the smell emanating from my teenage son's room)

3. Nike (0-10) LW #3- 0 for 10....10 Combat Uniforms, 10 utter failures. What the hell did you put the Gators in? The only thing more embarrassing than those pants was the effort by the Noles. Were those assless chaps. Jesus, Mary, and Joesph those were bad. It was like the recently defunct Arena League meets Versace out there. Just stop. Please. I feel like I need to scrub my retinas. The only decent ones may have been the Miami uniforms...I'll let you know how they look when the Broward Gang Units start their End of the Year round up and the mugshots are made public.

4. New Mexico (1-11) LW #6- The Horned Frogs made light work of the LowBlows. So we check Vegas...Odds of New Mexico retaining Mike Locksley: 5:3, Odds of Locksley sexually discriminating a co-worker: 2:1, Odds on him striking a co-worker: No Line. Seriously...if New Mexico retains Mike Locksley, that is a slap in the face to every Pop Warner coach in America. Surely they could find someone to replace Locksley...Axel Rose, Tommy Hilfiger, Mike Tyson, Prince, Sinead O'Conner, Chevy Chase, Bill Murray.....

5. Miami, OH(Shit we suck so bad!) (1-11) LW #4- Mike Haywoodyafireme will probably get another year. I don't know if that is a reward or a punishment. It may be a punishment to the fans as the DeadHawks were lifeless most of the season. Maybe if there was something else in Miami, OH to take folks minds off of the DeadHawks. Maybe drink until Hillary gets pretty, self colonic, castrating sheep, talk to some one from Indiana about Purdue football, make fun of Ypsilanti...see....that would be a nice distraction.

6. Washington State (1-11) LW #8- This is the worst BCS team in recent history. 2-23 in the last 2 seasons. The got abused in the Rotten Apple Cup by rival Washington, a game they won last year to give the Huskies the title which is named for their former coach. But if things continue the way they have been, I could be renaming it the Paul Wulff Trophy. Say it can't be so, but I am hearing rumblings of replacing Wulff with...dare I say...Robb Akey. I bet iof he does get the job, that puss-bag will change his tune about putting Idaho on the schedule.

7. Rice (2-10) LW NR- The Bowels had won 2 in a row and had made their way out of the poll. But, Houston decided to play basketball against the Bowls and hung 73 on Rice. If it wasn't for Tulane and UTEP, the Bowels could have very well unseated YCCC. But it was not meant to be. So, does David Bailiff get shit-canned? I think not....much like Zook at Illinois and Hawkins at Colorado....there isn't exactly a long line of candidates beating down the door to be the next coach of "A Chinese side dish".

8. North Texas (2-10) LW NR- It took most of the season, but Todd Dodge and the Mean Gangrene have returned home to the NST 10. Todd Doge now has a 5-31 record at North Texas. Is it safe to say the experiment of bringing a high school championship coach in to coach junior high school talent is a failure? In a few more weeks, I am sure Tom Cable will be available....then you could schedule New Mexico...and that would give me a weeks worht of material right there. Whatever the case, Todd Dodge needs to go (plus it will make me look good since most of the coaches Teddy and I threw in our Not So Top 10 Coaches have made us look like assholes)...if anything...Dodge is dependable...and I am not talking about the car manufacturer.

9. Memphis (2-10) LW NR- It's just not the team that is shitty....it's the program. Even a departing Tommy West took the time to crap all over the athletic department, the athletic director, and even the fans. Althopugh, the fans didn't notice because basketball has started. They are too busy hating John Calapari for leaving them with some violations and a few players who read on the 6th grade level (I thought that was the prerequisite for the Masters Program at Memphis). Look for this team to be extra specially shitty in 2010 as I am sure West's comments effected the few recruits that were actually interested in the Tigers to change their minds. Thank God for Conference USA....

10. Ball State (2-10) LW #5- Stan Parrish and the Ball-Less State House of Cards went out on a winning note by beating Western Michigan. Their fate was sealed by beating Eastern Michigan, and a loss this last week could have put them as high as #3....maybe even #2. Here's a fucking trivia question that will blow your mind.....Which NCAA coach, currently employed, has a Super Bowl ring AND a National Title Game Ring? Stan Parrish....that's who. Yes, I about fell out of my chair when I found that tasty morsel out. So will there be bigger and better things for Ball-Less State next season? Will Stan Parrish be the next coach at Michigan? Maybe tune in next week....we'll se if The Greek and Teddy can revise their NST 10 Coaches list next week.

Other Barely Mentionables: San Jose State, Akron, Utah State, Tulane, UTEP, Colorado, Colorado State, Kicking field goals to avoid shut outs, hip pointers, disappearing defenses, fist fighting coaches and celebrities, FAU, FIU, Fuck U, Vanderbilt, Maryland, the New Motivational Book from Mark Mangino titled "Motivation through Nurturing Support", Nike's new show "What Not To Wear", Virginia, People who care that fucking Oprah is quitting her show....quitting breathing would be better, Louisville, Arkansas State, Louisiana Tech, Illinois, and New Mexico State.

See you all next week!