Gobble This!

   Thanksgiving Day is almost here...and you have to love us Americans and how are fat asses embrace any holiday that includes gluttony, excess, and forgetting the true meaning of the holiday itself. To borrow a term the current pseudo high roller Texas Hold 'Em douche larva of today..."I'm all in." (Yes, I think Texas Hold Em is lame as hell, and the TV shows are even fucking worse. People that watch that shit make me want to beat them with a 9 iron.) I am guilty as charged when it comes to focusing more on the food than the meaning of the holiday itself. It's hard not to. From Fried to Smoked Turkey, the dressing/stuffing, mashed potatoes, sweat potato souffle, the cranberry sauce....pumpkin and pecan pies...watching Detroit flounder helplessly and having a good laugh watching them while gorging ourselves to the point of instantaneous culinary coma. The parades on TV, the commercials pumping Black Friday like David Letterman did his female staffers. It's easy to get distracted from the true meaning of Thanksgiving. So, instead of boring you with sappy personal shit I am thankful for, I figured I'd point out what other folks should be thankful for.
   Charlie Weis. In the last 36 games, Chuck is 16-20....make that 16-21. This guy will have 18 million reasons to be thankful after his upcoming loss to Stanford. Seems Notre Dame will be paying him $1 for every calorie he took in while in South Bend or yard given up by his defense...which ever is greater. He also ought to be thankful for Big and Tall outlets. Oooh, I just found another thing I am thankful for, I am thankful I am not a Browns fan...because I heard a rumor he was going there to be the offensive coordinator and to work with Brady Quinn...or was it eat the offensive coordinator and Brady Quinn...I'll get back to you on that one.
   I am also thankful I am not a soccer fan...especially an Irish soccer fan. Man, they got fisted didn't they? What, are SEC football refs officiating World Cup qualifiers now? I am afraid that if I were an Irish soccer fan, I may have to go all IRA in the Louvre or something like that, maybe take out the Eiffel Tower. And to the French player who said "It(The Game) should have been replayed"...wow....really? Did you say that just because you genuinely felt that way, or was it so obvious that they weren't going to replay the game, you thought you'd be cute and get some "atta boy" pats on the back. Look....you cheated....you won...and NOW you're sorry. Now, to me, this is only interesting about as long as it would take you to read the Official Book of French War Heroes. Not that I don't have a passing interest in the World Cup....but I find something else very enigmatic about Euro soccer...and hell....the rest of the world for that matter. Can any soccer fan answer me this question: Why do they swap around players and lend players to other clubs like the slowest girl cousins at a West Virginian family reunion? I just don't get it.
   One last thing I am thankful for...FSU's struggles. Forget this sportsmanship bullshit. I HATE Florida State. They could lose every damned game and I would be happier than Gary Glitter in a room full of unchaperoned Asian boys and a bottle of viagra. I relish every boobed up second of the Bobby Bowden vs Senility battle. I love the look on Jimbo Fisher's face...knowing that every down played this year is one step closer to Bowden returning for ANOTHER year. I am stoked that Christian Ponder, whom most of the misguided Garnet and Gold idiots seem to think is better than Tebow, is unavailable for this game. I am thankful that Mickey Andrews is retiring and leaving one of the worst defenses FSU has had in 30 years behind...to bumble through another year, giving up more points than an ACORN loan officer. FSU is the giblet gravy of College Football's Thanksgiving Dinner.
   One last thing to give thanks for, the terrible teams that make up the Not So Top 10 and the folks that read it every week. I want to personally thank all of you for suffering through it with me for the last two seasons. So, kick back, put your chair in the culinary coma reclined position, make sure you have room for dessert ( a healthy post Turkey Dinner dump usually clears out some room) and enjoy the Not So Top 10 for Week 12.

1. Eastern Michigan (0-11) LW #1- Well Ron English, your Ypsilanti Correctional Community College Pigeons are just one game away from winning the Tyrone Willingham Trophy. Your ineptitude last week was stunning. Let's see if we can have that same determination this Saturday when you face the Akron Zips. I am concerned you guys may blow it here....so much so that Akron will be getting the #10 Mojo spot. I mean, normally I leave the sucking to you guys....but I want insurance.

2. Western Kentucky (0-10) LW #2- The HillFloppers are making a serious run at the #1 spot....they actually may be worse than Eastern Michigan, but it is so much fun to rag on Ypsilanti, I just can't help it. And we will have none of this "Let's win the last game for our Coach" bullshit you tried to pull this week. I mean, losing 21-18 to La-Monroe is not winning you any friends here. I want controversy like they have in the BCS. I want two perfectly terrible winless teams. YCCC is doing their part....now...with 2 games left....you better do yours damn it.

3. Nike (0-7) LW NR- Zero for seven. That's their hit to miss ratio on these "Combat" Uniforms. First of all, the name combat is fucking offensive(And we know what a feat it is to offend the Greek). We have men and women dying overseas in REAL combat. Change the stupid name dickheads! Second, it's bad enough that Oregon has more uniforms that Herschel Walker and Cybil have personalities, did you guys seriously need to make other schools wear equally shitty uniforms? Fuck you Nike. Stop screwing with tradition so you assholes can make a buck. May you rot in hell for making Ohio State look like NC State....too bad Michigan wasn't worth a shit....if tOSU had lost that game....NO ONE would wear those Nike abortions ever again. (Not that I was rooting against tOSU mind you....sorry Teddy).

4. Miami, OH (1-11) LW #4- The DeadHawks finished up strong after slipping to Toledo earlier this year. They would be #3 had I not been so disgusted with those color blind and fashion senseless assholes at Nike. Mike Haywoodyafireme was just one game away from the perfect season, but even his and the DeadHawks ineptitude was not good enough to capture the NST 10 title. Maybe next year...but I doubt it. These guys showed a little too much life this season.

5. Ball State (1-10) LW #5- The Ball-less State House of Cards were pounded by Central Michigan. They have peaked in the NST 10 and can finish no better than 2nd due to thier earlier win against YCCC. I know it's hard to get motivated once your hand has been played, but don't quit on me now Coach Parrish. You go out there and suck against Western Michigan like we know you can and finish the season strong. A NST 10 Preseason #1 ranking for 2010 could be on the line. If you are going to shoot for the stars, aim for the lowest one.

6. New Mexico (1-10) LW #3- What in the name of all that is Holy happened here? I am an emotional wreck. The LowBlows fucking won?! What did Coach Locksley do, threaten to kick every Colorado State player's ass if they won? I know that anything is possible....shit, the Lions and the Raiders both won on Sunday, so the sky is the limit. It saddens me though because the LowBlows had a chance to be special. The season finale is at TCU....so I will at least get some satisfaction as the Horned Frogs will play the part of Joan Crawford on Saturday.

7. San Jose State (1-9) LW #7- I don't know what is more disappointing, the fact that the Spartans' lone win is against FCS Cal Poly, or the fact that they lost to Hawaii in overtime. Hell, the fact that this team still has two games left to play may cause San Jose State fans to contemplate suicide...wait....who the hell am I kidding? They have no fans....none that will admit it in public anyway. They finish up against New Mexico State and Louisiana Tech...so expect nothing more than a 2-10 record for San Jose State when the season mercifully comes to an end.

8. Washington State (1-10) LW # 9- With the Rotten Apple Cup on the horizon, the Cougars are primed to finish the season 1-11. They are pathetic...an embarrassment to the PAC 10...and this program is going to be on it's back more than Paris Hilton...and for quite a while to come. I just wonder how much time Paul Wulff has left? What would absolutely tickle me? That the Cougars can Paul and go after Robb Akey of Idaho. Please let that happen, powers that be....I have missed ragging on Robb all year....and Idaho.

9. Colorado State (3-8) LW NR- You know...you are good enough to beat Dan and Cody....but can you do me the simple service of beating Mike "Boom Boom" Locksley and the LowBlows? No....you guys could screw up a wet dream. Sonny Lubick would have won it for the Ole Greek. So you guys get a spot in the NST 10 for being so totally fucking inept as to lose to New Mexico. I hate you and hope you all choke on your turkey on Thursday. Bastards!

10. Akron (2-9) LW #8- If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself. And since I am not able to call plays for YCCC....I have to depend on the Zips to insure the perfect season for the Pigeons. So, I'll do the next best thing and give you the #10 spot for the mojo to finish off the Pigeons perfect season. In 12 weeks, the Mojo teams are 7-5...and you damned well make it 8-5 or I will skin that silly as Kangaroo mascot you have an make some damned Roo burgers. Don't slip up Akron, or I will hold the first official Circle of Sickness Convention at the hotel closest to the Akron campus. If that is not motivation enough to win, I don't know what is.

Waiting on seconds: North Texas, FIU, FAU, Tulane, UTEP, Les Miles Clock management, Virginia, Vanderbilt, Maryland, and Utah State

Eating Soy Turkey: Charlie Weis' employment status, Rice, and the Gators' Nike "Combat" uniforms, Mark Mangino's compassion and player relations

Seriously, from my family to yours....HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!