There's A First Time For Everything


   I know most of you folks are expecting some sick and twisted tirade defaming and besmirching a certain sports network. Unfortunately, at the advice from legal counsel, I must rise above and be the bigger person. I was told to refrain from anything slanderous, rude, crude, or obnoxious about my foe. At first, I protested. I did not want to censor myself. I did not want to filter myself. I did not want to disappoint anyone who reads the NST 10 every week. These folks expect a literary work of debauchery and The Greek dropping a Cleveland Steamer on their chests. I even sent a copy of the NST 10 I was going to post to him. A few hours later....he not only suggested I not "print" the article, but suggested some clinical help with any funds we are awarded to help me work through some glaring issues.

Lawyer Dude: "Man Greek, attacking (4 letter sports network) is one thing, but doing Disney is a really bad idea."

Greek: "Well, to kill snake, you cut off the head."

Lawyer Dude: "True, but you are going to win no friends with lines like 'Who the (explicative) is running the mono-rail system at Disney, (explicative) Gomez (explicative) Adams?'.....That's just asking for trouble."

Greek: "Ok, so no mono-rail jokes. But you've got to love the line "Snow White was kicked out of the Magic Kingdom for being caught sitting on Pinocchio's face screaming "Lie to me you little wooden son of a bitch!"....right?"

Lawyer Dude: "Really...just come up with something else before you become a defendant."

   So, for the first time ever, I am taking someone's advice. But I am left with a quandry...what to write about? I think I'll take my anger out on Kid's Shows.

The 5 WORST Kid Shows EVER!

1. Barney and Friends- I never wanted to hurt anything more than the creators of this show. Sick bastards...a big purple talking dinosaur with fake ass over the top acting by smug little shits collecting money in a trust fund.
2. The Teletubbies- Tinky mother fucking Winky...need I say more?
3. The Care Bears- Suicide Bear, Substance Abuse Bear, S&M Bear, and Serial Killer Bear would have at least made the show watchable for adults.
4. The Smurfs- Wow....just wow. An old failure of a Wizard and his scruffy familiar cat chase down little blue critters that live in mushrooms....just so Gargamel can eat them. And they have ONE...one female to service all those little blue pogosticks...they must have to carry her labia like a bruised blue bridal train.
5. Go-Bots- The generic version of transformers... no violence, silly voices....leader is a Vespa...go figure!

   Sesame Street turned 40 this past week. It was ground breaking, because it was the first kids show with an urban background setting. Actually it was proof that Jim Henson dropped some serious acid. I mean...who thinks up this shit? A 7 foot tall talking yellow bird? The ambiguously possibly gay couple Bert and Ernie? One is into pigeons...the other has an infatuation with a friggin' rubber duck. Jimbo named one muppet (Prairie Dawn) probably after some truck stop stripper. The dead give away....the Cookie Monster. Game, set, match....stoner. But seriously...I have never had anything want to make me strike someone or something more in anger than that little red, high pitched voiced Elmo. Makes you want to break into a blind person's house, rearrange their furniture and sit back and giggle your ass off.. I know...I have issues.
   And while I am touching on things that irritate me...this KGB shit...and no...not what Putin used to be in or is trying to re-establish now...no...that friggin' company that prays on drunk, lazy, bar residents that talk trivia out their asses and cannot back it up. This company counts on you testosterone filled popped collar douche bags to spend a dollar on who in that group of fucktards around you is correct and which ones are full of shit. The commercial that really bugs me...the dumbass frozen in his living room...catatonic because he can't remember Bill Buckner was the guy who let the baseball go between his legs. First off, if you can't remember Bill Buckner, you should be in an assisted living home with a feeding tube and somebody rotating your atrophied body every few hours so as you don't get bed sores...you brain dead fuck! Secondly...you are at home...look it up on the internet service you pay $29.99 a month for instead of jacking up your cell phone bill, therefore creating a market and subjecting me and the rest of humanity to more of those damned commercials.
   One thing that has no remorse for constant assault on our football senses are the 10 most inept college football teams in the country that I affectionately call the Bottom 10....oops...I mean The Not So Top 10. Another winless team screwed around and won...who is it? Well, you can either kick back with your attorney and read the NST 10....or you can wait a few days and catch it on ESPN....your choice.

1. Eastern Michigan (0-10) LW #1- Ah, good Ole Ypsilanti Correctional Community College. I know I can depend on the Pigeons to lose every week. You, Ron English, are the farts underneath the covers at night. Dependable. I know they are going to stink, piss Mrs. Greek off, and quit possibly make Mrs. Greek sick. You are the methane beneath my wings. For that I thank you. The Pigeons next two games are on the road....which means folks may actually show up at Rynearson Stadium just NOT to watch the Pigeons. I am not worried about this week's game at Toledo....it the last game at Akron I am concerned with. Stay focused guys, the Tyrone Willingham Trophy is yours for the taking.

2. Western Kentucky (0-10) LW #2- The HillFloppers were 5:09 away from a victory against La-Monroe. They lost 21-18, which is not what we are looking for HillFloppers. You screw around like that the next two games, and you could win one of them...thus proving you suck so bad, you could not be the best at sucking. You win now, and all you can have is empty claims like Utah last year, Boise State in 2006, or USC every year accept this year as claiming to be the best. Sure, you may play better defense than USC does right now HillFloppers, but you certainly have not earned the right to be a bitch like they have. Next week is Florida Atlantic. Remember....out with the good....in with the bad....focus...focus.

3. New Mexico (0-10) LW #4- Mike "Boom Boom" Locksley damn near pulled one off last week. The LowBlows actually had the ball at mid field with about 3 minutes left down 8. But they managed to get sacked twice and give the ball over on 4th and 27. Too bad Mike's off the field antics have really overshadowed the fact that the LowBlows are about as entertaining as the thought of Michael Moore, Ang Lee, and Spike Lee directing "The Yo-yo Sisterhood of the Traveling Defective Diaphragm". I will take my own life if I even accidentally see highlights (or lowlights) of their game with Colorado State.

4. Miami, OH (1-10) LW # 7- Next week, the season mercifully comes to an end for the DeadHawks. The question is, is it the end of Mike Haywoodyafireme's tenure at Miami of OH(shit we are terrible)? I know it is his first year and all, but has there been any improvement over last year's 2-10 team? The Greek is trying to do you a favor Miami....flush Haywood like a fetus in the Girl's bathroom on Prom Night. And let's not try and pretend this season is an anomaly, the DeadHawks are 18-41 over their last 59 games. Make that 18-42 when Buffalo beats them to end the season.

5. Ball State (1-9) LW #5- Stan Parrish and the House of Cards continue to show a pulse, as they played Northern Illinois pretty close. It's disheartening to tell you the truth. I had picked them to win the Tyrone Willingham Trophy this year, and with their current play and the lone win over YCCC...they are all but out of the race. I think they may play Central Michigan a little close, and the season finale at Western Michigan may even be a good game. God, I feel dirty even saying something like that....like I just got home from choir practice or something...or like when you walk in on your grandparents screwing and you were slightly aroused....what....no one?? Geez...alone again.

6. Rice (1-9) LW #3- Just like late season losses kill you in the BCS, late season win's will cost you the NST 10 Championship. The Rice Bowels blew it. They were in prime position to make a run for the title...but thanks to Tulane sucking more than normal on Saturday..the Bowels fall to #6. Did you know that Tulane has a LOSING record to Rice? 14-17-1.  I almost feel like Tulane should be ranked here instead of Rice. Funny thing is, I am having issues giving Tulane a special nickname. Any suggestions are welcome. Next up, the Strip Bars will be booming in Houston as Coach "Make It Rain Up In This Bitch" Price and the UTEP Miners come to town.

7. San Jose State (1-8) LW #6-Watching the Spartans is like nursing home sex...slow, sloppy, unidentifiable liquids being exchanged through orifices other than the intended ones, and no one is really satisfied afterward. Okay, maybe I am stretching it with the unidentifiable liquid exchange, but the other three are pretty accurate. I mean, the Spartans got yoked by Utah State...the friggin' Aggonies friends...and their only win is against FCS Cal Poly! This week's game against Hawaii is The Greek's Shady Oaks Retirement Village Gang Bang Game of the Week. Get your fermented prune juice and tapioca pudding ready folks...should be a good one. (Oh, and if you want to see something funny...got to a nursing home a dole out some viagra....the staff will be pulling old men's cranks out of ventilation machines for the next week.)

8. Akron Zips (2-8) LW NR- I suppose getting beaten by 38 points at the hands of Temple this year isn't as bad as having your ass kicked by them most others. They may actually (gulp) be decent. But the Zips are here for the sole purpose of setting them up for the Mojo in 2 weeks when they play Eastern Michigan and will be the only thing standing in the way of The Pigeons winning the NST 10 Championship and the Tyrone Willingham Trophy. See, the Zips or so shitty, I had to mention two other teams just to make this interesting. Maybe it's their mascot. A friggin' kangaroo...wow. I mean, they are rampant in the neighborhoods and suburbs of Ohio...and what a fierce animal the kangaroo is....let me tell you...meaner than Sarah Palin during a hot flash. It may be the name "The Zips"....sounds like a day shift version of the Chippendale dancers. So go out and get curb stomped by Bowling Green, and then we'll get you in the #10 spot.

9. Washington State (1-9) LW #8- The Cougars are pretty terrible. I can honestly say that this is the worst BCS conference team in recent history. they are 2-21 in their last 23 and have lost the last seven. They let lowly UCLA get over on them...pulling UCLA from the bottom of the PAC 10 and supplanting the Cougars there. They host Oregon State this week and are absolutely going to get killed....and then the Rotten Apple Cup at Washington, and while the game doesn't have the NST 10 importance of last year's contest, it still won't be worse than watching 70's unshaven porno....looks like those girls have Angela Davis in a scissor lock.

10. Maryland (2-8) LW #10- The Turriblepins hold the #10 Mojo spot again this week....just to give them that extra boost to beat Florida State this weekend...keeping them bowl ineligible and setting up the Gators to be the ones to put the Noles in Tallahassee for Bowl season. Virginia Tech rolled the Turriblepins 36-9....and this is going to be a real test for the Mojo...because FSU looked ok against Wake Forest..and the few Seminole fans that had the stones to make the trip actually started chanting Bowden's name....wonder what they'll be chanting at the Doak when they lose to Maryland?

Straight up on my shit list: Tulane

Wasting Money: The WAC on Boise State's PR Campaign, Notre Dame on Weis' Paycheck

Fading Fast: Memphis, Utah State, Gator's confidence in Steve Addazio, Vanderbilt, North Texas, USC's reputation, FAU, FIU, Pete Carol's Christmas Card to Mark Sanchez, New Mexico State, The State of Colorado, Denver Broncos, New York Giants, LeBron's time in Cleveland, UTEP, Arkansas State, and Washington.