Everybody Steals and Plunders Now

   It's so sheik to take shit which isn't yours now a days. Humans suck in general, but stealing is a  particularly loathsome thing...I would put it up there with being a sexual predator. Especially when you take something and pretend like it's yours. More on that later.
   When you want to talk about large scale larceny, Alexander the Great stole friggin' continents...that's balls folks. Imagine this...your the son of a humble fisherman, you go to sleep one evening in your quiet little Mediterranean or North African village, tired from mending the nets, and BAM! You wake up the next morning and have been sold to a fat, balding, middle-aged Roman named Molesticus, wearing a bed sheet stained with bodily fluids and wine, and smelling like fermented grapes, grain, and young boy. Talk about feeling violated.
   But us "Americans" are the best at it. We have perfected thievery. It started with the Pilgrims and "settlers". They came here to colonize the New World. Here's a thought...why don't we ask Squanto if this world is "new" to him?

Squanto-"Sorry Pilgrim, this world's not new. My family has been here for generations."

Pilgrim- "Oh...well. Hmm. Can we buy it from you? Surely we have things that you um...civilizationally, socially, and religiously challenged people may want?"

Squanto-"It is not our land to sell. But we may share it."

Pilgrim-"Share...hmmm. I tell you what Squanto. You guys come on back to the village and have a turkey dinner, and we'll give you some small pock infected blankets to take back to your tribe, and then in a couple weeks we'll revisit this 'share the land' deal. Ok?"

   Over the years, we have perfected all kinds of thievery. We have stolen human rights, State rights, inalienable rights, tax dollars and civil liberties from our citizens. (Thomas Edison and Marconi stole from Nikola Tesla...and if there is any justice in this world, Nikola met them in the after life with a friggin' baseball bat.) And let me tell you, it has rubbed off. Now we've had Peter Warrick and Lavernious Coles going all Wynonna Ryder in Dillard's, we've had oxygen thieves like Kanye West stealing the spotlight, and we've had ACORN stealing votes. All kinds of thievery for every occasion.
    Why all the hub-bub over thievery? Well, especially over the last several weeks, there has been more than one or two occasions of suspiciously similar things on a certain sports media company's website and on the air that one would find originally in the Not So Top 10 and our Conference Chaos. While we are flattered that our material is good enough to use, we really don't like it being stolen. All we ask is that you quote the source. Not too much considering standard article licensing fees and what they go for. Here, Especially Since People Now just cut and paste, I'll slip our website's address in here in hopes that it slips by the Extremely Slick Plagiarizing Nimrods. (www.thebestdamnpoll.com)
   One thing that cannot be stolen from the Greek is my love for ranking the worst that college football has to offer. Nothing makes me happier than someone else's misery. So, check your copyright laws, grab yourself some spotlight, a blanket, and a Tesla Coil, and enjoy The Best Damn Poll In The Land's Not So Top 10 for Week 10.

1. Eastern Michigan (0-9) LW #1- Thursday night I had this terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. I thought it was the fact that I thought I should have bet the farm on the Ypsilanti Correctional Community College Pigeons. Good thing I am poor. Turned out it was some of Old Bad Gator's Hot Sauce, I had consumed earlier in the day, becoming human Liquid Drain-O. Betting on the Pigeons would have been as ill-fated as Walter Mondale's Presidential campaign. As was my trip to the bathroom where I had my painful epiphany that it was OBG's brew causing me the discomfort. Watching the Pigeons caused me discomfort too. Do they not practice tackling in Ypsilanti? I think Northern Illinois' punter died of boredom. I also thin the Huskies just scored again. This week, YCCC hosts Western Michigan. Ron, make a nice spot on the shelf for the Tyrone Willingham Trophy.

2. Western Kentucky (0-9) LW #2- The HillFloppers had a pulse for the first half, only trailing by a point to the Sun Belt leader (does anybody else laugh when those last 3 words are strung together?) Troy. The second half was more like HillFlopper football. But I am concerned with that first half performance. Coach Elson, we are at a critical stretch here. The last two games are very winnable. I mean, this week is a total loss, La-Monroe is going to abuse you...but FAU and Arkansas State are very winnable. Let's see that this does not happen. I think you may be trying to get over on me Coach Elson. What, you think getting yourself Ron Zooked (fired before the season ends, yet coaching the last few regular season games) is going to inspire that crappy team of yours to a win? Another question, how many folks were left in the stands of that monster 22,000 seat stadium to see Jake Gaebler become the All Time Leading Hill Flopper in receptions with 153? (Really, I can't make this shit up...congrats Jake!)

3. Rice (0-9) LW #3- The Bowels are another team that damn near blew their perfect record on Saturday. What is the deal here? Is it something in the air? WKU with a pulse, Rice only losing by 3... I'm more nervous than Will Robinson being lost in space with potentially practicing pedophile Dr. Zachary Smith. Like WKU, Rice has a couple winnable games if they continue with improved play. They play Tulane and UTEP before ending the season at Houston. The Bowels could win both games against the Green Wave and the Miners...but expecting both wins would be like expecting to be able to poop without having to wipe. Man, what is it with me an doo-doo here the last couple paragraphs? I guess the Bowels just bring out the best in me. (Now that's damned punny on many levels).

4. New Mexico (0-9) LW #4- The LowBlows lost to the Utah Utes. This was one game I did not worry about. Mike Locksley may have punched his ticket out of New Mexico with this Saturday's loss. Damn, I am just full of puns today. I promise, I'll stop punishing you. The only thing more acceptable than  punching someone that uses like 3 or more puns consecutively is kicking the shit out of a mime.(Email your punches, puns, and punchlines to jpthegreek@gmail.com). Anyway, back to Locksley and the LowBlows...not because I want to....because I have to. Their pathetic pilgrimage continues this week when they host BYU. Expect the points to pile up like bodies at Anthony Sowell's house. (What...too soon?)

5. Ball State (1-8) LW #5 - Well, The House of Cards had the week off to ready themselves for for a beating from Northern Illinois. Now to be fair...someone had to win their game between themselves and YCCC, but I want a total committment to losing next year. Freshly fired Tommy West could come in and be defensive coordinator...and Hell....Stan should call David Elson and get him to run the offense. That would show me that Ball-Less State was committed to the cause for next year. I expect them to lose out, but the last game against Western Michigan concerns me....you know....like the smell wafting from Mr. Sowell's house concerned his neighbors.(That's two.)

6. San Jose State (1-7) LW #7- And I complained about EMU's defense? The Spartans were gashed for 665 yards of total offense, 517 on the ground. They allowed 4 players to rush for over 100 yards each. I thought I was watching old game film of Nebraska or Oklahoma. The Spartans defense reminded me of WWII, you know, when the Polish met the German Blitzkrieg of tanks on horseback with farm equipment as weapons. Brave...yes. Effective....no. Maybe we should just give the Spartans' defense a "Participation" ribbon...so they get credit for showing up, but don't have to play so no one else gets hurt...or embarrassed....or naseous from watching them. Next up for San Josie and the Pussycats...at Utah State. Can I have a motion sickness bag for this game?

7. Miami, OH (1-9) LW#8- The DeadHawks are acting like they want out of the NST 10. since getting smoked in the first 2 games, they have consistently improved. Not what I want from my NST 10 teams. But their record still sucks, and that's all that matters. Think of them as the fat ugly chick at last call, sure you know you can score with her, but are you drunk enough? And you know there will be odors....do I make another Anthony Sowell reference.....naah....I'll pass on this one. Next up for Coach Mike Haywoodyafireme and the DeadHawks, a home game against Bowling Green. Color me excited!

8. Washington State (1-8) LW #9- The Cougars have left me uninspired since beating SMU earlier this year. I was expecting them to make a run for the Tyrone Willingham Trophy. I guess not. I guess I could go all Nick Saban and throw my keyboard to the ground out of anger. But I am better than that. I mean, it's not like I am losing to La-Monroe any time soon. I blame Robb Akey for all this. If Idaho was losing like they were supposed to, I would be talking about him and not...ummm...who is this about....oh yeah....Washington State. They play UCLA next...somethings telling me to pick them to win....wait....no....be right back....OBG's Hot Sauce residuals.

9. Utah State (2-7) LW NR- (For you Coach Duncan) The Utah State Agg-onies...ahh...you can almost taste the ineptness. Here's a post from a message board from an Agg-onie fan...

Scorchednuts(No, I did not make this up...his name nor the post) "It's really too bad the A&M game was not locally televised.  I was able to listen to some of it in the 1st and 4th quarters.  This team has obviously taken some big strides this year under Coach Andersen.  To go down to Rice-Eccles and play a good, competitive game against the Utes after losing to them by 50 up here last year, and then go to College Station, TX and walk out just an 8 point loss is tremendous in my opinion.

It's time for us Aggie fans to take the paper bags off of our heads and get our butts down to Romney on Saturdays and cheer this team on!  We could really make some noise within the WAC this season."

Oh, how optimism has a way of crashing down around us. That's like saying "I know Mike didn't touch those kids...I just know it"...and then hearing about all the out of court settlements. The Agg-onies lost to Hawaii despite a valiant comeback bid in the second half. This week they play San Josie and The Pussycats. Oh, the WAC must be so proud.

10. Maryland (2-7) LW NR- I would like to send a special NST 10 "Hey Jerk Bag!" to Rich Fraud-riguez and the Michigan Wolverines. You blew the integrity of the NST 10 Mojo. I mean...I know Purdue is riding the Mojo pretty good from earlier in the season...but come on...the Commodres more recently beat the Gators than the last time Purdue beat Michigan in Ann Arbor. What the Hell? You suck. But this is about the Maryland Turriblepins and why this anemic team gets the NST 10 Mojo for this week. They play FSU in two weeks. I would love nothing more than for FSU, Bobby, and Jimbo to miss a bowl game. Losing this game would almost insure that. What would be even better would be for Ralph to eat Bobby and Jimbo at the post game hand shake. But seriously, FSU is prime for the picking. Ponder is out...you know...the best QB in the State of Florida...whoever thinks that garbage should be beaten with a rubber hose, covered in maple syrup and powdered sugar...and thrown into a pit with Ralph Freidgen and Mark Mangino. Ponder could miss the rest of the season. So I am giving them the Mojo a week early. I expect them to lose this week, and win big next week. Good luck to the Turriblepins.

Being Booked Next Week on Grand Larceny Charges: Akron, Michigan, FSU, and intellectual property scavengers

Being Booked for Loitering: Vanderbilt, Colorado State, North Texas, Memphis, Arkansas State, FIU, FAU, and Hawaii.

Dear Service Members,

I would like to take the time to thank every member of our military, past and present, for their service to OUR Country. Thank you for being selfless and putting your life in harms way for the defense of our country and our fellow citizens. Because of you, I still have the ability and freedoms to do what I am doing. May no one forget the sacrifices made. Thank you and Happy Veteran's Day!

The Greek