Gouge My Eyes Out Please!

   Okay, just as I was sitting down to write this literary work of comic genius, I was assaulted by a Christmas commercial. Really? What the hell?! Can I not enjoy some damn Halloween candy confiscated from my daughter and start to have visions of the culinary coma I will be suffering from on Thanksgiving before I am kicked in the junk by these bastards that have commercially beaten Christmas in to capitalistic submission much like a Canadian furrier treats a baby harbor seal? Christmas is going to be leaner than Karen Carpenter's (for those of you younger than 30, it would be Natasha Poly) Body Fat Index...do I need to be reminded of it on November 1st? And if I have to look at another saggy tittied, anorexic, size -2 model, I am going to ask Brandon Spikes to just gouge my fucking eyes out now.
   And speaking of Mr. Spikes...yes, what he did was bad, it was indeed dirty, and he probably deserves to be suspended for a game. But for these folks that are "aghast" or "shocked and appalled" at this....stop watching football and crawl back to your sterile plastic bubble. It happens, it's football. It's a brutal sport where brutal men bash each other. Emotions fly, anger erupts, and things are done. What do you think happens in those piles out of camera view? I can tell you they are not discussing the finer points of the Geneva Convention nor exchanging fashion tips in there.
   Fashion tips. Sounds like Georgia could use some...like black just isn't your color. Black jerseys worn, asses kicked by Alabama. Black helmets and pants, asses kicked by Florida. No wonder black is the preferred color for S&M freaks...Georgia must get off on getting their butts kicked. But they aren't the only team in violation of the "visually offensive" outfits. Oregon is king as we all know, but Virginia Tech's uniforms worn this week were louder than Sam Kinison and Gilbert Gottfried playing Password in a wind tunnel. Who tells them this shit looks good? Really, don't they have...oh...what are those things....ummm....oh yeah....fucking mirrors!!? So for my dear Vespula, I dedicate this next list to her...The Not So Top 10's Worst Dressed:

#10. The Vancouver Cannucks (late 70's and early 80's) Red, yellow, and brown. Oh, and the flying "V" pattern of course.

#9. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1976-1995) That may be the swishiest, most feminine "pirate" logo in the history of the known world. And those loud orange colors...oooph!

#8. The 1932 Philadelphia Eagles...those uniforms could be used by Poison Control to induce vomiting.

#7. The Seattle Seahawks' Lime Green Abortions. That shit is louder than glo-sticks. Looks like they belong playing in the UFL and not the NFL.

#6. The Cleveland Browns...any year. That rust orange and fecal brown ensemble is the reason why they can't win a Super Bowl. Change the uniforms. Worked for Tampa.

#5. The AFL Denver Broncos. A fashion trainwreck. Looks like Garanimals on crack. Somethings were meant to be left in the past. Those uniforms are the prime example.

#4. Syracuse Orange of Today. Really bad. Far be it from me to complain about the Orange and Blue color scheme, but it looks like they've been taking fashion tips from Cleveland.

#3. Oregon Ducks...any year. I'll give them credit for having multiple looks....without one of them not being ocularly offensive.

#2. The Denver Nuggets (1982-1993). Look like they were marching for gay pride with the rainbow effect. Terrible color schemes, terrible team.

#1. The Houston Astros (1975-1993) For 18 years they trotted this team out in those Disney World Monorail uniforms and no one said a damned word. We must have all been struck blind for that time period. Either that, or Ted Turner colorizing everything made us numb.

One thing that is always fashionable are terrible college football teams. This week, I still have plenty of them to rank. So, put on the protective eye gear, wolf down your favorite snack food and then purge it back out, smile for the camera, and enjoy the Not So Top 10 for Week 9.

1. Eastern Michigan (0-8) LW #1- You can count on these guys just like a herpes out break before the big frat party. The Ypsilanti Correctional Community College Pigeons continue their death grip on the #1 spot in the NST 10. Ron English is still #1 in the Tyrone Willingham Trophy race. The Pigeons were thoroughly stomped by the Arkansas Razorbacks 63-27. Next week, the Pigeons take on Northern Illinois on the road. Circle this date...11/27...the Pigeons play at Akron...this could be for the NST 10 National Championship.

2. Western Kentucky (0-8) LW #3- I believe in rewarding great effort. The HillFloppers are trying hard to prove to me they are #1. The Fighting Feminine Hygiene Products hung tough with the Mean Gangrene until ultimately falling into the full fetal position for the 4th quarter. The final score resembled and Patriot League basketball game, 68-49. The HillFloppers host Troy next week. They could very well jump the Pigeons if they put forth another defensive effort like the on on Saturday.

3. Rice (0-8) LW #2- The Rice Bowels should be pissed for being jumped in the poll. They wave worked long and hard this year at being particularly shitty, and this is how they get rewarded. I guess that will teach them for giving us all a break and having a bye week. Maybe this will inspire the Bowels to new lows against SMU next week? I can only hope. As long as they don't disappoint me like Miami, OH did. Bastards!

4. New Mexico (0-8) LW #5- The LowBlows are trying to make a push for #1 as well. They actually look like they had a pulse this week against San Diego State. Maybe Mike Locksley threatened to punch them all if they did not improve. Either that, or he threatened to replace them with a younger, better looking bunch that the fans would appreciate more. You pick which error in judgment Mike has made and just run with it. I know I have made a living out of it. Look for the LowBlows to be disemboweled by Utah next week.

5. Ball State (1-8) LW #8- The House of Cards gave Ohio a scare on Halloween, but just because they beat the Pigeons the week before last, don't think I am going to give Stan Parrish any special privileges. The House of Cards have indeed earned their spot here in the NST 10. They get the week off before preparing to play Northern Illinois. The House of Cards need some help to get back to the top of the poll....but counting on the teams to win in front of them is like depending on an SEC coach not to bitch about officiating.

6. Akron (1-7) LW NR- The Acrid Zips...welcome to the Not So Top 10. You guys are in a pretty special group of under achievers and football mulligans. I wouldn't call it elite...unless you were comparing it to the Iraqi Republican Guard. Whichever the case, managing not to win a conference game in the MAC puts you right up here with the big losers. Next up is Kent State, and we know you'll get caught looking past them to your big match up against Eastern Michigan on the 27th.

7. San Jose State (1-6) LW NR- When you have become yearly fodder for the PAC 10 and the "top" (an I use that term very loosely) teams in the WAC...you deserve to be recognized. Consider it done, as the Spartans make their 2nd ever appearance in the NST 10. It could be a short lived stay, as there are 3 very winnable games left on the schedule. But when you are dependent on wins over Utah State, Hawaii, and New Mexico State to salvage a season, you know you are home where you belong.

8. Miami, OH (1-8) LW #4- The DeadHawks let me down. I should have expected it. They had been flirting with winning for a while now...you know....like actually showing up for the games and even attempting to put it in the end zone a time or two. Damn it. Just when I thought there would be 2 winless teams in the MAC. Oh well, I should feel better after Temple curb stomps them this week. Thanks for nothing Coach Haywoodyafireme!

9. Washington State (1-7) LW #9- The Cougars can't even inspire me in losing to move them up. They have a 4 game stretch where they should be abused like George Michael's wang in a public restroom. What happened between last year when the beat the Huskies in the Rotten Apple Cup until now? I cannot accept the fact that they could not improve over the Huskies. Maybe they may want to talk to Idaho and hire Robb Akey away. It would make me sleep better at night if they did.

10. Michigan (5-4) LW NR- What is a 5-4 team doing here? 2 reasons....Ron Zook and Greg Robinson. First, how do you lose to Ron Zook. Better yet, how do you get spanked and have your nose rubbed in it by Ron Zook. Rich Rod's boys made Ron Zook look like Urban Meyer on Saturday. What gives? Oh yeah...Greg Robinson. I am pissed at myself for even being nice while talking to my favorite Michigan fan this pre season. I spouted how I hated Greg Robinson, but I thought he might actually improve the Wolverines defense. Color me wrong. I have more egg on my face than Ellen DeGeneres (think about it for a second...you'll get it). So, I am putting the Wolverines here so they won't lose to Purdue, and I won't have to take away TeddyDupay's shoelaces, belt, and try to find beer in a box so he can still drink with out having access to glass or metal.

Fired for being too fat: Illinois, North Texas, Florida International

Binging and Purging as we speak: Florida Atlantic, Utah State, New Mexico State, Tulane, Memphis, The State of Colorado, and MLB Baseball taking away Sunday Night NFL football....thank goodness UCF is playing tonight (did I just say that shit?!)



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