Happy Halloween!!

   Yes boys and ghouls, Halloween is almost upon us. It's no secret that this is indeed one of my favorite holidays. Being a horror movie fanatic, I really love the October atmosphere, all the old classic horror movies running seamlessly on all the movie channels. But before I forget...Sam Raimi...how dare you?! What was that horrible piece of celluloid bullshit I watched called Drag Me To Hell !? Look, just because Evil Dead and Evil Dead II were hits and became classics, even in this time of much better CGI, it does not mean you can put out a piece of mindless bullshit shot with the same shitty special effects and expect me to be okay with it. I wasted an hour and a half of my life watching that movie. Now I don't feel half as bad for watching it on a pirated DVD. You should be dragged to Hell for making that movie. Fuck you Sam, you let me down.
   Now, those of us who haven't completely killed our brain cells off through use of narcotics or incredible week long drinking benders, we remember how special Halloween was to us. How much much thought we put into your costume, how it was a social status symbol amongst your peers, and how much candy we got went into measuring the success of every Halloween. But there was one thing that could ruin your Halloween...shitty candy.
   That's right, the type of candy you got could throw the success of your Trick or Treating all to hell. Nothing like spilling out a pillow case full of treats to find some of the stupidest bullshit. Raisins? What type of granola crunchin', tree huggin' douche bag doles out raisins for trick or treats? Oh, and you have to love the pretentious, vainglorious assholes that give out toothbrushes. What, you think that the kiddies don't have toothbrushes....or is it that you just want to be a friggin' buzz killer and remind the kids that all the scrumptious candy they are consuming is going to rot their teeth out? If it were up to those jerks, they'd put pictures of skin cancer patients on suntan oil...or put images of venereal diseases on bottles of personal lubricant. Or they could be dentists....sadistic schmucks that they are.
   Then there is those special fartknockers that seem to think kids are old coots like them and give out starlight mints, butterscotch, and fucking cough drops. You ought to be dragged into the street and beating with a rubber hose.Take some of that scratch you save by ordering from the senior menu at Denny's and tip the server 50 cents and by some damned fun sized candy bars you shriveled up old prune bags. I know fun is an alien term to you miserable blue haired killjoys, but damn. Another group Halloween could do without...the OLD RECYCLED CANDY GIVERS!!! You are the lowest form of life on the planet...somebody should split your skull with the heel of a boot. You really have to go out of the way to use old holiday candy for trick or treats. I mean, these treats were left behind for a reason...maybe they sucked...or while getting your Christmas lights and decorations ready, you came across them tucked away in some God forsaken Santa bowl or Frosty the Snowman jar...and you decided "hmmm...I'll save a few bucks and give this to those little bastards on Halloween." Have you ever eaten 10 month old chocolate left in a hot attic? You might as well be passing out Depends so the kids don't shit themselves after eating your cheap, human Drain-o recycled candy.
   So, if any of you fit into any of the preceding categories, you're a douche...and I am going to help you. Here are some candy that is appropriate and will make you a hero in your neighborhood:

1. Fun Sized Candy Bars- Not those tiny ass bite sized bullshit. I am talking the 3 inch long bad boys. Baby Ruth, Milkyway, Snickers, Twix, and Butterfinger. Oh, even the Hershey's Minis are good to go.

2. Lollipops- Dum-Dums, Blo-Pops, Tootsie Pops, even the lollipops with the loop in the handle. Those are always a winner and created brawls between friends when splitting up the Halloween haul.

3. Bubble Gum- Bazooka, Supper Bubble (Grape and Sour Apple Flavors are top notch). Rain-Blo and Fruit Stripe Gum are tops on the list. No Sugar Free Trident or Wrigleys...what are you...90?

4. Jawbreakers- Any kind will do. Willy Wonka Dino-Sour Eggs are the Holy Grail of Halloween treats. If you are one of those sadistic dentists....this is spending money to make money. Jawbreakers damage more teeth than any other candy. (Or that's the excuse I give the kids when I confiscate them while inspecting their pile of goodies.)

5. Starburst and LifeSavers- And before you ask...assorted flavors only on the LifeSavers....not Butter Rum you old dirt bag....fruity flavors. The kids taste buds aren't shot by years of alcohol abuse and smoking 27 packs of Pall Mall filter less a day for 50 years.

Stick to those 5 types of candy, and your house won't get egged or rolled with what always seems like a special ops force trained in the art of getting toilet paper so high in a tree, that you still have it flapping around during the Christmas Holidays.
   But know, the terrifying part of this week's Halloween Special....the actual Not So Top 10 for Week 8. Yes, like Plan 9 from Outer Space, these special 10 teams should have never been seen by human eye. And like many people who paid to watch the Blair Witch Project, you'll want your time and money back after this week's countdown (well, at least time...no one's paying to read this...well....in currency anyway.) So kick back, break open some of that fine Halloween candy I told you to go purchase, do not rent Drag Me To Hell, and enjoy the NST 10 for Week 8.


1. Eastern Michigan (0-7) LW #1- The Ypsilanti Correctional Community College Pigeons are the equivalent of the rocks that Charlie Brown always got in his trick or treat bag. They lost the Putrid Poultry Bowl II on their home turf, allowing the Ball-less State House of Cards come from behind (insert homoerotic joke here) to win 29-27. The margin of victory you ask? Oh, that came on a safety late in the 3rd quarter..and the Pigeons failed to score again. MiQuale Lewis tallied 301 rushing yards and a touchdown. Maybe you might want to tackle that guy, Coach English...or maybe the is just another ploy to win the Tyrone Willingham Trophy this year. I've got my eye on you. Two things I find scary...on the SI. site...there's a spot for Fan Comments...I was too scared to look, wondering what kind of sick bastards are out there that would openly admit being a fan of either of these teams. Secondly, they play Arkansas next week. 2 weeks of frustration will be taken out on the Pigeons by Penalty Flag Petrino and Arkansas. The Pigeons will be chanting "We're Still #1"

2. Rice (0-8) LW #3- Look out Pigeons, the Rice Bowels are coming at you hard from the rear (insert homoerotic joke #2 here). They are the walking dead on defense, make Honest George O'Leary's undead offense look lively. Rice should be ashamed. Honest George even broke out his shriveled up coaching pecker and waived it by calling a wide receiver reverse pass...thus abusing the Bowels (it's a stretch, but insert homoerotic joke #3 here). Seriously, watching the Bowels play defense, one is reminded of the grace of two epileptics sharing a bowl of hot egg noodles. 116th total defense, 120th scoring defense allowing 45.5 points per game...that's enough to scare Coach Bailiff into the unemployment line. The nightmare will continue when the Bowels travel to play June "Crash" Jones and SMU.

3. Western Kentucky (0-7) LW #4- Watching the HillFloppers trying to execute the simplest of plays is like a guy performing oral sex on a gal for the first time in his life. There's a lot of drooling, some extreme moments of confusion, high levels of awkwardness, and it leaves one ashamed and both unsatisfied. Coach Elson...you realize that teams are setting records against you? Teams like Middle Tennessee!? They broke their old touchdowns in a game school record by scoring 8 on you. Every week the HillFloppers show me they are just like the first couple to bone is a slasher flick....they are assuredly going to get killed. This week they gave up 646 yards to the Blue Raiders. But there is an epic battle ahead, almost as big as the importance of Halloween III: Season of the Witch in the Halloween series, as the HillFloppers take on the North Texas Mean Gangrene in the Greek's Ghastly Game of the Week. The Hillfloppers will have the mojo working against them as you will see later.

4. Miami, OH (0-8) LW #5- The Deadhawks keep flirting with wins by actually almost looking like they might maybe pull off a game here. After a terrible first quarter, the DeadHawks actually out played Northern Illinois the rest of the game. Mike Haywoodyafireme must be pleased with almost winning. He's just like the dingy chick that is left alive in the horror movie, she whacks the killer/monster with an axe and/or sledge hammer...and seems to think that one blow like that can stop the 6'9 425 lbs masked mutant serial killer that's been stabbed 72 times, absorbed 900,000 volts of electricity, been set on fire, drowned, run over, autopsied, and shot with a bazooka in the previous 12 sequels...no...the stupid bitch picks that time to drop her only weapon and begin to cry...instead of finishing the damned job and going all Christian Bale on his ass with the big cleaver. Maybe the DeadHawks will finally decide to finish a game this year...who knows. It won't happen this week against the Toledo Rockets. You can count on that like candy corn at Halloween.

5. New Mexico (0-7) LW #6- Something horrifying happened to the New Mexico LowBlows this week. Something disheartening, almost sucking the marrow from one's soul. The LowBlows found out that they suck even without Mike Locksley coaching them. And just like a terrifying sequel, he returned to the team on Sunday after serving his 10 day suspension for punching a former assistant coach in the nugget. Let's face it, the LowBlows are about as bad as the "ethnic" vampire movies. You know, the ones that were in the theaters for about a week back in the 70's...like Blacula(which had one of the most unique endings of any vampire movie of it's time) or Vampyros Lesbos that end up on Saturday afternoon movies, butchered because of content to where they aren't really worth watching. Yes folks, I'd say that describes the way most feel about the LowBlows. Next up is a road game against San Diego State. I would suggest New Mexico not dress up as football players. The Aztecs may actually fall for it and a game may break out. Better for all involved to forfeit and just go trick or treating.

6. Illinois (1-6) LW #7- Ron Zook just signed a contract extension Sunday morning for 7 years at $3.7 million a whack, employing him through the 2016 season. Just kidding Illini fans (if there are any left)...put down the razor and stop tying the noose. It's a Halloween joke....pretty terrifying, eh? Seriously, Purdue spanked Illinois on Saturday, and Ron Zook is still employed on Sunday. What gives? Does the Zooker have blackmail pictures of the Illinois AD having sex with young men...or attending a NAMBLA rally? Whatever is is...it must be a huge ace in the hole. I mean, for a BCS coach to have his lone win over an FCS turd (and not be coaching in Bloomington or West Lafayette) is shameful. I just now realized that Zook has been beaten by both teams from Indiana. Oh, this is rich. Don't they kick you out of the big 10 for letting that happen? Well, it doesn't get any better for the 7th best team in the state of Illinois...a pissed off Michigan team comes to Champagne.

7. Florida International (1-6) LW NR- Like the many sequels of the Friday the 13th franchise that should have never been made, FIU continues to play football. But FIU is doing its best to uphold the spirit of Halloween. For example, they killed their credibility by hiring Isiah Thomas as basketball coach...I mean...did anyone see what he did for the Knicks? The community really gets in the Halloween spirit too....as it murders the English language. It's scary just to walk down the streets. And the place smells of death, I mean it's God's Waiting Room full of natural causes. So, the House Cats take the #7 spot for excellence in participation. La-Lafayette comes to town for Halloween...the coaches were told to let the kids know not to be alarmed, what the fans are wearing down there are not costumes, they really dress that way, there just seems to be no mirrors in Miami.

8. Ball State (1-7) LW #2- Well congratulations on the first win of the season Stan Parrish and the House of Cards.(I just vomited in my mouth a little) You sucked less than Eastern Michigan this week and got out of Ypsilanti with a win and not needing a distemper or penicillin shot. Treasure the moment for the latter two...it's a red letter day when you can visit that dump with out contracting anything. But this isn't about Ypsilanti...it's all about the House of Cards and how they can build on this win. Bwhahahaha! Seriously, this was their only chance of winning and they did it. This win was as misleading as the marquee outside the theater that reads The Rocky Horror Picture Show...and before you know it, the only thing that's scary are the nut jobs watching the movie, running around in their underwear, screaming stuff at the movie screen like "Who gives Captain Kirk blow jobs?". (I attended my first show on acid on Halloween). Where I was going with this...I have no clue...I really need to stop abusing pharmaceuticals. Ball-less State plays at Ohio on Halloween.

9. Washington State (1-6) LW NR- Well, the Cougars are finally back in the NST 10. Their win against SMU earlier in the year coupled with the copious amounts of winless teams the last several weeks has kept them out until now. California abused them 49-17, and it looks like the Cougars could finish a second consecutive season with just one win. What is it? Do they really miss Robb Akey that much. That's terrifying to me. What's even more horrifying is that they play at Notre Dame on Halloween night. Charlie will be dressed like his favorite horror movie The Blob That Ate Everything, Jimmy Clausen could dress as Liberace...I mean....this is what NBC must do for ratings I guess. Anyway...look for Washington State to hang around the NST 10 for a while.

10. North Texas (1-6) LW #8- Well, the mojo spot has been very good lately, as Purdue came through and beat Illinois. This time, I am giving the spot to Todd Dodge and his North Texas Mean Gangrene. Happy Halloween Todd. All you have to do is beat Western Kentucky and keep them winless. I knew I could not trust you to do this by yourself, so I had to give you the mojo to help out. It makes me more ill than the "G-string against the wall" scene in Zombie Strippers (if any of you have seen this movie, you are recoiling away from the screen now and dry heaving) to give Todd Dodge and the Mean Gangrene the mojo. But there just wasn't another team worthy. So, to keep the NST 10 interesting, unlike any of the Ann Rice Interview with a Vampire movies, I would love to see Western Kentucky to go winless so I can keep making fun of them. It's the little things in life folks.

About to star in a low budget Horror sequel: Akron, Tulane, Vanderbilt, Louisville, Colorado, Utah State, UAB, Hawaii, and San Jose State.

Happy Halloween everyone!!!