Bras, Bombs, and Balloons

   Folks, I am all geared up this week. No, it's not because there are still 6 winless teams left...it's not the fact that Eastern Michigan plays Ball State this week...no, it's because the world gives me so much to talk about on a weekly basis.
   What better place to start than in Africa. Somalia to be exact. Seems Islamic Extremists are going around and inspecting females hooters to see if they were wearing bras. (I bet there was a line forming for that job...) If a lady was caught wearing one, the bra was forcibly removed and then they were publicly whipped. I call that foreplay....but we quabble over terms. Anyway, seems that bras are a form of deceptiveness, and Allah has empowered these men to mitigate their punishment. Wonder what the punishment is for implants? Public fisting? But seriously...how dangerous is this job? I haven't seen National Geographic in a while...but I do remember it from 12th grade...some of those chicks had sweater-meat that looked like a couple of water balloons, still attached to a faucet, almost filled to capacity, hanging down to their knees. If they were wearing a bra with a hair trigger holding holding those coiled milk bags of death behind its trembling nylon, elastic, and underwire...the self appointed hooter inspectors could lose a damn hand and later be confused for a thief when no one believes their story.
   From Boobs to Bombs. What was up with the NFL this weekend? I mean, those guys were letting loose and flinging the damn ball all over the field. Well, except the Redskins and the Lions. Dante Wesley launched a bomb at Clifton Smith's head and was promptly ejected. I am getting confused...I thought football was a contact sport? Why don't we just put flags on these guys, cut our balls off, squat to pee and call it a day. Next thing you know, they'll be throwing flags for hurt feelings and cursing. We have become overly sensitive as a society and it has spilled over into our sports. You can't celebrate a score or even a big, game changing play anymore with out being flagged. I mean, that might make the other team feel shitty that you scored and they didn't. We wouldn't want a silly thing like competition get in the way of a sporting event. It's as stupid as Little Leagues that don't keep scores in their games. What the hell....sports used to be a way of teaching kids sportsmanship in WINNING and LOSING. We are teaching our children to be complacent douche bags that only learn winning and losing from video games that parents use as a substitute for spending time with their kids...and not teaching them important stuff....like sack celebration dances and choreographed touchdown celebrations.(I guess that's where all these fucked up Emo kids are coming from.) All they learn is that, in their world, life has a reset button. The only consequences of losing is resetting the game. What's next...no lines in the coloring books because not every kid can color within them?
   Speaking of kids...how about these folks with the runaway balloon? Can we nominate these fine people for Parents of the Year? The whole thing was a hoax...and now the police are looking to file criminal charges. Good for them. I support the police in this. Wasting all that man power and resources, falsely worrying everyone, taking the police away from serious crimes they could be preventing or solving(...gee....that sounds like the war on drugs eh folks?)...they should be charged with a crime. Wasting several hours of my day worrying for their little 6 year old while I could have been surfing the net for Bi-Racial, Bi-Sexual, Midget Amputee Chicks wrestling farm animals. (Type that in your browser at work, and see how the IT guys look at you when you pass them in the hall) Dickheads! I come by worrying about kids honestly...I live in a state where there seems to always be an open season on kids, with no bag limits.
   But, I have enough to focus on now...to take my mind off of this stuff. My Halloween Spook-Tacular is next week, so I am getting geared up for that...but the really big event is this week...The Putrid Poultry Bowl II is finally here! So kick back, make sure your bra is well hidden, try to tell me you still aren't having mental images of Bi-Racial, Bi-Sexual, Midget Amputees wrestling farm animals, and enjoy the Not So Top 10 for Week 7.

The Putrid Poultry Bowl II

AT
  #2 Ball State    (0-7)              #1 Eastern Michigan (0-6) 

I don't really know how to feel about this one, friends. It's like picking up this hot chick at a frat party, getting her back to your place, just about to plow it, and she tells you she's only 17 and is not adverse to anal or ATM (no, were are not talking about Automated Tellers either). You don't know whether to be elated or distraught. That's me with this game. One of these teams is going to win. It is sadly inevitable. But I must think positive...one of them is going to lose!!! I am pouring over stats right now, trying to give you an impactful game preview...but I gave up. I couldn't fake enough enthusiasm to tell you that the Ypsilanti Correctional Community College Pigeons rank 90th on defense and 118th on offense. Nor could I feign interest in the fact the Ball-less State House of Cards rank 102nd on defense and 109th on offense. I guess the most interesting thing in this match up is the battle between Stan Parrish and Ron English. I mean, it is the college football equivalent of a gay cat fight. There's no real winner here....just shame and embarrassment for all involved and uncomfortable to watch at times.

Final Score Prediction: Pigeons 2 House of Cards 0


3. Rice (0-7) LW #4- The Rice Bowels are epically shitty. 116th in total defense and 120th in scoring defense. They were abused this past week by East Carolina...and made the Pirates look like offensive juggernauts. That's like making Carrot Top look attractive with out the use of narcotics and alcohol. This week is their only chance at winning a game. They host UCF...a CUSA team from my neck of the woods...and history dictates that this is just the type of shitty team the Knights like to give games to. So expect pandamonioum to break out as the Bowels may get an early Christmas gift this weekend.

4. Western Kentucky (0-6) LW #3- The Hill-Floppers slip a spot due to the fact they almost blew their perfect season by actually playing a decent game against the La-Lafayette. The Hill-Floppers jumped out to a 7 point lead, only to let the Ragin' Cajuns score the next 20 unanswered, thus securing the Fighting Kotex a 14th consecutive loss and a spot in the Not So Top 10. Dave Elson is quickly making a name for himself...expect to see him on the revised NST 10 Worst Coaches list....that is if he still has a job when Teddy and I update the list.

5. Miami, OH (0-6) LW #6- Have you noticed a recurring theme here? Every one of the NST10 "top" 5 have birds for mascots. It's like Alfred Hitchcock took a celluloid dump in the MAC. Amazing...it's like the bird flu hit the NCAA. Mike Haywood-yafireme and his DeadHawks find themselves at #5 after climbing to as high as #3. They made the Bobcats look like the Buckeyes....from LAST week. Maybe that's what happened. Ohio showed up in West Lafayette and Ohio State played the DeadHawks. Look for the DeadHawks to be here next week, as Northern Illinois comes to town to add to Haywood's resume of repulsion.

6. New Mexico (0-6) LW #5- Well, the Lowblows had the week off, but still could not manage to stay out of the news. They suspended Head Coach Mike Locksley for 10 days for going all WWE on his Wide Receiver Coach. He should have hit his Defensive Coordinator with a folding chair while he was at it...maybe challenge his Offensive Coordinator to a Tables, Ladders, and Chairs match. He could have a mystery partner...and build up a week of hype around it....then as they are being introduced to the "crowd"...Mike could stroll out with Tom Cable. Anything would be more interesting than LowBlows Football. If they beat UNLV this week, do they even bring Locksley back? Who am I kidding....they aren't beating anyone.

7. Illinois (1-5) LW #8- Ron Zook. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! You suck. Indiana and Bill Lynch took you to the tool shed. Right now, there are 6 MAC, 5 C-USA, 6 WAC, 5 Sun Belt, and 3 Mountain West teams burning up your phone lines trying to get a game with your AD. Juice has regressed with that great coaching by the Zooker. A question....when Illinois was looking for a coach, were they getting advice from the same guy who told Shannon Doherty that her career would be better off if she left 90210? Well, Zook will find himself with a new zip code next season. There's no way they keep this albatross after next week's loss to Purdue.

8. North Texas (1-5) LW NR- Well, the Mean Gangrene let me down. They lost to Florida Atlantic in a shoot out, providing them their first win. That pisses me off....not as much as Lane Kiffin and Randy Shannon winning games does...but close. I caught a little crap when I had North Texas in the Pre Season NST10...especially after they won in week 1 at Ball State. Now we see how they won. Ball State sucks more. Now, I fully expect North Texas to lose this week at Troy....but damn it....they had better not let Western Kentucky win the following week. I am having a hard enough time dealing with the fact that either Ball State or Eastern Michigan will have a win after this week. If North Texas loses to WKU...I am changing their name to "The College at the University of North Texas"...and just use their initials from here on out. Fuck you Todd Dodge!

9. San Jose State (1-5) LW NR- The Spartans lone win is over FCS Cal Poly...and they shouldn't have won that one. Then they made Robb Akey look like National Coach of the Year, that's harder than making Vern Lundquist seem intelligible and lucid. Now they are the next sacrificial lamb on that stellar schedule that will keep Boise State out of the National title game. Fuck the WAC, I refuse to talk about them anymore. I'd rather watch Florida run 27 dive plays in a row than write about ANY team from the WAC. You paying attention Steve Adazzio? I am comparing your play calling to only being slightly better than watching a WAC team play. Get it in gear!

10. Purdue (2-5) LW NR- Now, you may ask yourself, why would a team that just pulled off the biggest upset of the year so far be in the Not So Top 10. The only answer I have for you is "Mojo". Take away all of Danny Hope's timeouts...they are playing Ron Zook and the Illini next week. I am giving Purdue the mojo spot to quicken the pink slip process in Champagne. How in the hell the Boilermakers beat Ohio State is still baffling me. But I do think Purdue has an appropriate nickname..."Boilermakers"...as in...you have to drink 12 Boilermakers to make Purdue football interesting. Have you ever seen any elderly Purdue fans? No? That's because they usually die of cirrhosis before the age of 40. What else is there to do in West Lafayette besides suicide, wife beating, and drinking yourself to an early grave? Good luck Purdue!

Wearing Push Up Bras: Florida Atlantic, Florida International

Just Getting Their First Training Bra: Akron, Utah State, Washington State, Hawaii, San Diego State, Memphis, and UAB