Concussions, Confessions, and Cluster Fucks

   Thanks Tim. You proved all these self taught Google doctors wrong, now maybe you would think they would shut the hell up. But alas, they have not. Since Tim's knock on the noggin, concussions seem to be the hot topic. Like no player in the history of sports had ever suffered a concussion before? Now there are 10 minute specials on every news cast in America. It's an epidemic! And they are all so over the top and sensationalized. "Concussions, the silent killer on the playground!" They act like there are roving bands of concussions waiting for you to step outside your house. The media is acting like you could get a concussion from a toilet seat in a public restroom. What's next? Al Gore and Michael Moore (that fat useless fuck) make a movie together? "Concussions, one more thing we'll blame on the GOP!" They would probably win an Oscar for it....much like the way Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize. More on that bullshit in a minute. Seriously, an hour before the Florida at LSU game, I made a prediction about how many times we would see the replay of Tim's concussion. I said 20. We were at 11 as they kicked off the game. So remember kiddies, if a concussion approaches you, run and scream loudly and find the nearest adult.
   Confessions cleanse the soul. Or, they look better when you are facing blackmail, eh Mr. Letterman? Before we get all on Dave's case for tagging his interns and co-workers, let's look at why? I mean, were the chicks so embarrassed that they screwed Dave that they wouldn't speak up? Were they threatened with their jobs? I say "Hell no!" Dave's a freak, and rocked their world, making their toes curl and drop more moisture than that little fuck Kanye West did when big bad Jay Leno asked him what his dead mother would think of his little attention whore stunt. Dave has a huge advantage when it comes to eating poon. That diasthema (for you Razorback fans, that means "gap between the two front teeth"....man this is going to be a fun week) he has is just big enough to slip those gals love buttons right between his ivories and work it like an old Atari 2600 joystick. So don't hate on Dave when he is getting more ass than a toilet seat.
   And the Nobel Peace Prize goes to.....Barrack Obama for doing absolutely NOTHING! How did this happen? The nominations were on February 2nd...11 days after he took office....and yet this guy wins the Nobel Fucking Peace Prize? Is the world brain dead? Oh....that's right....he won it for what...apologizing for being Americans? Apologizing for America keeping the world safe from despots and dictators? Apologizing for Reagan tearing down the Communist regime in the former Soviet Union? Honestly, what has he done? If someone can answer that question with out being a stupid ass blind sheep, I'll give you $100. I equate Obama's Nobel Peace Prize to Milli Vanilli winning a Grammy. Or like paying $40 to hear Ashley Simpson actually sing. Better yet, I see it more like Jethro Tull winning "Best Heavy Metal Album" over Metallica. Yeah....makes no fucking since. Obama's next hit single "Blame it on McCain"....he'll lip sync it too.
   Something that cannot be faked is the Not So Top 10 for week 6. No bogus nominations....no blackmail...and I am free from post concussion symptoms while making the list. Another team blew their shot for the perfect season this week....shame on you FIU. You let me down. But fear not, there are still 7 winless teams and plenty to laugh at. So kick back, make sure your protective head gear is on tight, get ready to read some lips, check the mail for the Greek's blackmail photos, and enjoy the Not So Top 10 for Week 6.

1. Eastern Michigan (0-5) LW #1- Thank goodness for consistency. The Ypsilanti Correctional Community College Pigeons were drawn and quartered by the class of the MAC, Central Michigan. I love that 56-8 score. Beautiful. I almost wept. I wonder if Ron English will weep a bit when The NST 10 presents him with the Tyrone Willingham trophy this year? This week the Pigeons have a slight chance of winning, but I fully expect them to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory against Kent State. Wasn't Ron English a defensive coordinator? Maybe he should start a grass roots project in Ypsilanti.

2. Ball State (0-6) LW #2- The House of Cards fell to the Temple Fowls in the Putrid Poultry Bowl II, despite a feverish comeback in the second half. Losing to Temple is good enough to land you in the NST 10. Being Ball State is good enough to keep you here. I heard Stan Parrish bought a puppy a couple of weeks ago....named it Brady....and kicks it weekly. Some sort of agression therapy I suppose. Fear not Stan, Eastern Michigan is two short weeks away...of course...That's the Putrid Poultry Bowl IV...Putrid Poultry Bowl III is next week when the House of Cards take on the Bowling Green Fowl-cons.

3. Western Kentucky (0-5) LW #3- Since there are no ties in college football anymore (and what a shame that is, because I could see some of these shitty teams playing each other to a tie, which would force a playoff system in the NST 10) the HillFloppers did what they could. Only one team could have emerged from this Used Tampon Receptacle Thunderdome (in the food service industry, we referred to the feminine hygiene product receptacle as the "Jelly Roll" Container). Look for the HillFloppers to continue their quest for the perfect season whne they get stomped in front of 22,000 at home against La-Lafayette.

4. Rice (0-6) LW #8- The Rice Bowels are making their movement (pun intended) towards the "top" of the NST 10. The Bowels made Navy look like Oklahoma from last year. Rice gave up 63 points to an option team. That's fine if it were the 60's or the 70's...and they were playing Nebraska or Oklahoma...not a service academy. Here's a word for the Bowels to focus on....defense....it's not just the lies or excuses a defendant uses anymore. It's all the rage in football these days....you may want to look into it. A quick stat...Rice is giving up an average of 44.4 points per game. Look for East Carolina to hit that mark next week....and no....not a skid mark.

5. New Mexico (0-6) LW #5- The LowBlows came out and looked like they may pull a huge upset of Wyoming. You know you suck when almost beating Wyoming is considered an upset. But the LoBlows did not disappoint, and proceeded to choke away the game. Sorry Detroit Tigers and Boston Red Sox fans....I know choke is a pretty hard word for you to handle right now. Anyway, the LowBlows have one last shot at winning a game...it's a week after their bye....they play the UNLV Running Rebels.Ahh ...running....something the OLE MISS REBELS should try....because Jevan Snead sucks. See how much New Mexico sucks, I had to reference 3 other sports teams to make it interesting. Here's one more...the Cleveland Browns.

6. Miami, OH (0-6) LW #4- You know, if the DeadHawks had any kind of offense, they may have a couple of wins already. The defense played pretty tough this week against Northwestern. What am I saying? Geez, the DeadHawks are averaging 10.3 points per game...so I may be a little off on my previous statement. Not that it matters much anyway, the DeadHawks only have one winnable game left on the schedule. That is the last game of the year against Buffalo. By then it may be too late. Look for the Ohio Bobcats to thrash the DeadHawks this week.

7. Florida Atlantic (0-4) LW #6- I don't even have a cute little nickname for Florida Atlantic. I see that the schedule makers have given them two bye weeks. Now, that may be misleading, because normally bye weeks are built into the season to give a team a chance to rest and catch a break during the season. FAU has two bye weeks to give the viewing audience a break from watching them. Consider it an early Christmas present from the schedule makers. FAU plays North Texas this week, so expect no one to watch as the Mean Gangrene keep the FAU winless.

8. Illinois (1-4) LW #9- Let me ask the few remaining Illini fans that are willing to admit that publicly...have you figured out that Ron Zook sucks as a coach? It took Gator Nation a couple seasons too. So, he changed quarterbacks and still achieved the same shitty result. Must be the coaching. Now, if they lose on the road to Indiana...does the Zooker even bother to return to Champagne with the team? Can someone please tell me why this guy has a job. Well, I am not standing for it any longer. The Illini will remain in the NST 10 until they fire Ron Zook.

9. Colorado (1-4) LW NR-Breaking News from the Department of the Fucking Obvious...Cody Hawkins is a terrible quarterback. It only took his Dad two seasons to realize this. Now, the foot race is on for the first coach to get shit-canned this season between the Zooker and Dan Hawkins. Even Al Groh has strung together a few wins. That's sad. What's even sadder...the 2nd win Colorado was hoping for against Iowa State may not happen. Iowa State has a pulse...that spells 1-11 for the Buffaloes. Any chance you guys want Rick Neuheisal back? Gary Barnett?

10. Florida State Seminoles (2-4) LW NR- This team is up and down more than one of David Letterman's interns. Yeah, I went there...again....that's a deep well folks. Seriously, I almost put the Georgia Bulldogs here...but Bowden and his boys have earned that spot. Now, it's no secret that I am a huge Gator fan and I take great pleasure in watching FSU lose....especially like they have been. I love to see Jimbo Fisher freaking out on every little play like he did last night. I love the fact that their defense may be the worst at the school in 36 years. So why give them the mojo? Well, they have a bye week for starters...so it may help them get by that without another stupid ass trustee....a puke bag that has no clue about football except wins and losses...opening his stupid Garnet and Gold trap and calling for Bowden's head. If it wasn't for Bowden...FSU would not have a football team. They almost dropped football in 1973 (so close Coach Jones, I thank you for the effort.) So, I am giving FSU the mojo....hopefully they win a few more ACC games, keep Bobby's liver spot planted as coach...and then I get to kick back and watch the side show...oh, and I get to enjoy the back-biting between Nole fans...it's great....I love it...keep the popcorn coming.

NST 10 Peace Prize Nominees: North Texas, San Jose State, Utah State, FIU, Akron, Washington State, Vanderbilt (You lost to Army, Slive is sending you the expulsion papers from the SEC office as we speak), Purdue, Georgia's defense, Kentucky, Mississippi State, Maryland, Kent State, and Tulane

The difference between these Nominees and the Nobel Peace Prize...these nominees EARNED it.



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