Officially Excessive

  Man, I feel like Roman Polanski posing as a 8th grade girls gym class substitute teacher. There are an excessive amount of shitty teams, 8 of which are winless, and we are 5 weeks into the season. My cup runneth over. While we are on the topic of cups running over....anyone ever want to see a sequel to 2 Girls 1 Cup? You know, like 2 Chubby German Chicks with Irritable Bowel Syndrome, 1 Stein? Just asking. Maybe that's a bit excessive. I love excess....especially when we are talking Tony Montana with a big pile of uncut Nicaraguan in front of him being blown by two Asian broads he bought on the black market. That's my kind of excess. What is not my kind of excess, are these officials and their excessive celebration penalties.  
  Is it me, or are the officials interjecting themselves in the outcome of games here in the last few years or so? You know, just like the know it all, pain in the ass relative that always has to piss and moan about every family event, be it a funeral, wake, reunion, or wedding, and always declaring how they would have done it or how it should have been done to any unfortunate schlep that happened by, and they are saying it loud enough to be heard by everyone. That's how annoying these asshole officials are. I mean, we go back to BYU at Washington, when Jake Locker got called for excessive celebrating. It cost Washington the game. Flash forward to this week, and the SEC themselves came out and said the excessive celebration penalty was the incorrect call against AJ Green and the Georgia Bulldogs. Thank you from the Department of the Fucking Obvious! What good does that do Georgia now? Are we so scared to make the right call DURING the games for fear we will expose most officiating crews as the NCAA's version of the Keystone Cops? You've seen it yourself....from your living room...you see a shitty spot, the announcers are saying it's a shitty spot, 27 different fucking replay angles show you it's a shitty spot...and after 9 minutes and 37 seconds of review and delay to our football game (which some assholes thought was a good idea to speed up)...the tool bag ref comes back and says "after further review the play stands as called on the field because even though we see how friggin' blind we are and totally blew the spot...we'll be damned if we will admit we are wrong. Fuck yourselves, 4th down." Seriously, I want to staple the penalty flags to their asses in the last 5 minutes of a game. Dicks.
  I know, I apologize for getting a bit serious there for a minute. I know it wasn't very funny, but still funnier than Saturday Night Live is, even with Madonna and Lady Gagadamnshehasapenis pretending to cat fight. Remember when SNL was funny? I thought MAD TV was funnier...well...me and 30 other people. SNL is just like Bobby Bowden...it was GREAT in it's hay day, but now, it is confused, worthless, and shits itself on a regular basis. Both should have been canceled a 5 years ago. Now, I am not defending Bowden, but what the hell is a trustee doing saying that shit in public? That's something you do behind closed doors. What, you need help letting a legend go....just ask that cocksucker Jerry Jones how you fire a legend....he has the best experience ever. Somewhere Tom Landry is looking down at you and laughing at Tony Romo.
  But let's get down to the nitty gritty and take a look at all these crappy teams. So get your stein ready, try not to excessively celebrate, and enjoy the Not So Top 10 for week 5.


1. Eastern Michigan (0-4) LW #1- The Ypsilanti Correctional Community College Pigeons lost to the Temple Fowls in the Putrid Poultry Bowl last week 24-12. So far, Ron English is in the running for the NST10 Coach of the year. He will be receiving the Ty Willingham Trophy...I mean, you got to name it for the guy who made the perfect season a reality. Next up for the Pigeons, a play date with the only decent team in the MAC, Central Michigan. Look for YCCC to keep it's stranglehold on the #1 spot.

2. Ball State (0-4) LW #2- The House of Cards are getting dangerously close to blowing their perfect season. They are showing signs of life and can actually score points. What are you guys doing? Stan, you do realize that if you could play one ounce of defense you may just screw up and win a game. Now, the House of Cards play the Temple Fowls next week and I am hoping that Temple will be an ungracious host and keep the perfect season alive.

3. Western Kentucky (0-4) LW #3- Ok, so they had the week off and no one behind them played particularly shitty enough to jump them, so the HillFloppers stay at #3. Has David Elson committed suicide yet? I would take his shoe laces away. The HillFloppers have only managed 49 points in 4 games. Their opponent this week, FIU, has scored 95. Oh, and they are winless too. If you guys lose this one, remember David...it's down the road, not across the street.

4. Miami, OH (0-5) LW #4- Not much of a shake up at the top this week? Well, I am surprised that the DeadHawks did not get disemboweled by the Bearcats to the tune of 70 points. I mean, 37-13 is bad enough, and failing to gain the Victory Bell...again...but...wait...where's Lane Kiffin? He's better fit to describe what a moral victory is all about. Anyway, the next several weeks give the DeadHawks a real chance to move up in the poll. Next, they pay a visit to Northwestern.

5. New Mexico (0-5) LW #5- The Lowblows actually put up a fight against Texas Tech. Maybe because Coach Locksley threatened to kick their ass if they went out and played like turds. Got to love a coach who takes a page out of Tom Gable's "The Head Coach and Staff Interaction Handbook and Guide." He also told some homely middle aged broad that he'd rather have a young hot chick to help with recruiting duties. Seriously, if you were a young man of 17 or 18 years old...what would get your attention...a hot ass 20 something giggly and jiggly babe...or some dried up, pre-menapausel soccer mom who just looks at you and makes your willie crawl up inside you? Anyway, the Lowblows should lose next week at Wyoming.

6. Florida International (0-4) LW NR- I missed these guys. I am so glad to see them back. You know, kind of like the prisoner you parole, and because he can't make it on the outside, he violates parole just to go back to what is familiar. Well welcome home, but it is a short stay for now. Due to overcrowding and your inevitable win against WKU this week, FIU will be freed on bond faster than a sexual predator in the state of Florida.

7. Florida Atlantic (0-4) LW NR- What is with shitty football teams having birds for mascots? It is like the Bird Flu hit the NCAA this year. And FAU is not immune. You know, I used to have a ton of respect for Howard Schnellenberger, but he's starting to get like Bobby Bowden, except without all the wins. I will give FAU this, they have been close in their last 2 ball games. With a trip to North Texas coming up, FAU could really have a chance to move out of the NST 10 and stop their perfect season. Let's hope not.

8. Rice (0-5) LW #6- The Bowels possibly have the worst defense in the country. Much more inept than Plaxico Buress' attorney. Worse than the CSI agents at the Brown-Simpson/Goldman murder scene. The Bowels have given up 203 points in 5 games. That's a little over 39 points a game.This week could get real ugly. Navy comes for a visit. They will plunge the Bowels deeper into the shitter. Sailors...geez.

9. Illinois (1-3) LW #9- So they bench Juice Williams, and send Eddie McGee to the wolves. Look, Juice is not your problem. Juice Williams is not your problem. Ron Zook's predictable ass is. You should bench Zook....or fire him...he should have been fired last week after the tOSU game. He could team up with Locksley and be his trainer and they could enter the UFC...maybe even challenge Tom Cable to a match? It will draw more attention than the Illinois vs Michigan State game this week. I guess Illinois faithful enjoy seeing 30 bubble screens in a game every week, because Zook is still employed...but I don't see another win on the schedule, and I don't see Zook being there at season's end.

10. North Texas (1-3) LW NR- The mojo has been booming here lately folks. It worked again last week when I gave Duke the #10 spot to cover the spread against Virginia Tech. They did. But here's the real test. Now, I know I have been hard on Todd Dodge over the past few years. But I am putting all that aside, because they play FIU this weekend...you know, the team from South Florida....God's waiting room? They can keep FIU on the path for the perfect season. Call me excessive, but I want several winless teams to finish the season. That would make me happier than when I found out that the girls at the high school I was going to were such whores that the school nurse was an obstetrician. So hopefully Todd Dodge doesn't let me down, and hopefully I don't excessively celebrate when the Mean Gangrene win this Saturday.

Teams getting the penalty waived off for winning: Virginia (Amazing, ain't it?!) and San Diego State

For not sucking too bad: Duke

Being flagged next week for excessive suckiness: Memphis,Washington State, Purdue, Louisville, Bowling Green, Colorado, Utah State, Buffalo, Southern Methodist, and the women that actually fucked David Letterman.


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