|
|
|
NST 10 Week #7: All In The Family
The Not So Top 10 Week #7
All In The Family
The following Not So Top 10 is dedicated to the wonderful Mrs. Greek.
She is tolerant beyond the normal human threshold. She constantly has to
hear me pitch my horrible insults and vile imagery of the Not So Top
10. Mrs. Greek is an amazing mother and it was a recent conversation
between her, myself, and my 12 year old daughter that inspired this
edition of the NST 10. Above all else, Mrs. Greek is an incredible wife
and words would do no justice trying to describing what her friendship
and companionship means to my sick, twisted, and shamefully unworthy
hide.
Enough ass kissing...
I had the whole NST 10 outlined and ready to roll. I was going to slam
the world of competitive Scrabble due to the accusations of cheating by
one contestant and the demands of a strip search of the accused. That
was too easy...I mean...nerds getting pissy about a spelling game,
accusing each other of hiding tiles, and then demanding a body cavity
search? How about going out and getting LAID? They've never seen one in
real life (with the disgusting exception...possibly their Mother's) our
touched one, but I bet they could spell the fuck out of "clitoris" with
their frontal lobe tied behind their backs.
As I was bouncing these ideas off of Mrs. Greek (which are usually met
with the rolling of the eyes, a face palm, and at times the gasp and
then look of terror ) the joy of my life...my sweet little
princess...our 12 year old daughter comes strolling into our room with a
question.
"Daddy...when I turn 13...would it be ok if...say...a boy likes me and asks me out...could I go on the date?"
My pulse quickened and a throbbing in my forehead began as if a
face-hugger had laid an alien egg in my temple. My eyes widened, yet
before I could get the first obscenity laden denial of her request
across my lips...I discovered just how smart my daughter is.
"Before you flip out Dad...it would be a "parent date". You know...like
we go to the mall, and you come with us but hang out about 100 feet
behind us? Or like we go to the movies and we sit in the middle and you
sit in the back row?"
I was instantly disarmed. I had nothing. I was trapped. What else could I say?
"Yes", I responded sadly.
Before you go thinking the ol Greek has gone soft, you must have all the
details of this part of our family dynamic. You must also appreciate
how dedicated to dating my daughter is once you find out all the
stipulations and all the hoops she has to jump through. Let's start from
the beginning:
She was taught how to deal with a boy if he asks to go steady: "You have
to meet my father first. If you are not an honest, trustworthy,
punctual, gentleman and/or act inappropriately and put myself or my
virginity at risk, he will eat your liver." She tells me she has no
problems telling the boys that...this was a hurdle I did not think she
would clear so soon. I thought this would have put her off dating until
she hit 15...how wrong I was.
My daughter was asked about dating by my Mother a couple of months ago,
and Mom was curious if she had any boys that she liked. Her response
damn near got me in trouble: "Daddy said I cannot date boys, but if I
wanted to be a lesbian...that's okay because girls can't get girls
pregnant. Dad's cool with me dating other girls." Neither my Mom nor my
wife were very happy with me. My Dad and brother started to applaud me
until they figured out that my Mother lives in the same house with
them...and if I wasn't safe from her wrath 20 miles away....they
certainly were in danger for merely not objecting to my encouragement of
my daughter being gay.
She is 12 going on 21. She is an early bloomer and looks 16 and has the
body features (that is the only term I am comfortable using when
referring to my daughter's mysterious lady parts) of your food hormone
ingesting 18 year olds that have become so rampant these days. Girls did
NOT look like that in Junior High...and in most cases...they did not
look like that in High School.
This brings me to a side story.., the trauma that is caused when I take
her shopping...BRA SHOPPING. Yes, nothing I loathe more than watching my
daughter be hit with a terminal case of puberty and then have to take
her to purchase mysterious lady part covers. If she was a normal looking
12 year old girl...I would look like the cool Dad, whose not
embarrassed being in the women's undergarment section helping his
daughter purchase her training bras. However, since my daughter is 5'9
and currently a C cup...I end up looking like the cheesy pedo-predator
"helping" his 16 year old pick out a tit sling. The trips to the mall
can be unnerving...but I tend to make the most of it. For example, I'll
walk about 100 feet behind her and her friends and watch the boys' heads
spin as they drool on themselves and then start giggling like bitches. I
have even heard them exclaim "Yeah...I'd do her. She so wants me. Did
you see her check me out?!"
That's when I have my fun. I'll stroll up to them and say "Man...did you
see that hot chick? Too bad her father is a psychopath." One kid
responded "So what, I'll kick that old geezer's ass while I bang his
daughter in front of him." "Oh really?", I chuckled. Then...I feigned
panic and exclaimed "Oh shit! There's her father and he looks pissed
off!"
The smug little shit head had a glint of worry in his eye..."Where?!"
That's when I looked him dead in his little Emo face and screamed "RIGHT
HERE YOU LITTLE FUCK! You ever look at my daughter like that again...or
speak about her like that to your little queer bait buddies...and
you'll be on the side of a milk carton faster than you can say
"dismemberment of a corpse!" I am not sure, but I think he soiled
himself.
Getting back to the dating and our conversation...I told my daughter
that her "date" would need to complete a background check form. I also
stated that I would need a blood, urine, and stool sample. I told her
that he could give these by normal voluntary means...or I could get them
with just one punch.
She was not amused...but she is a good sport and knows that her dear ol
Dad is over protective of her. She's excited at the possibility of this
boy asking her out, and she is very confident that she can take whatever
I can dish out. I don't have the heart to tell her I plan on coming to
the dinner table in a speedo, rubber boots, and the Confederate Flag
tied around my neck as a cape.
Just as the thought of my daughter pains me, it is upsetting me to
announce that this will be an abbreviated version of the NST 10. It's
kind of like being raped in prison and not even being given the common
courtesy of a reach around...or lack of lube...not even spit. I owe you
guys and will make it up to you all with a special Halloween Edition of
the Not So Top 10.
So here's this week's Rankings:
1. New Mexico (0-6)
2. Florida Atlantic (0-6)
3. Memphis (1-6)
4. UAB (0-6)
5. Minnesota (1-5)
6. UNLV (1-5)
7. Idaho (1-6)
8. Colorado (1-6)
9. Indiana (1-6)
10. Kent State (1-6)
But I can't just leave you like that...so copy and paste becomes my best
friend whilst in the midst of a 32 hour work schedule in the next 48
hours...as I bring to you some fine hate mail from people who hate my
guts and hate my articles....yet read every week and take the time to
tell me how much dick I suck or how I should have my sphincter violated
by a skinhead with AIDS. (Not all of it is hate mail...and there's a
couple I slipped in for humor...and there's one that is strange and
concerns me greatly.)
"Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha donkey dick faced
motherfucker! We won again bitch! 20-0!!! Another week the MIGHTY
HILLTOPPERS SHUT YOUR STUPID FUCKING MOUTH!
-Wally, Bowling Green"
"Mr. The Greek,
I was just positive you'd have Tennessee in you Not So Top 10 after the
38-7 embarrassment by that classless Les Miles. I wanted to thank you
for not having Derek's team listed.
-Barbara Dooley"
"You know, I have kept quiet all season. In your preseason poll, you stated that you thought "Ron English and his Pigeons may not be horrible
enough to contend for the Tyrone Willingham Trophy in 2011. They showed
too much improvement."
How come you have patted yourself on the back for calling it way back in
August? I am sure a self important cocksucker like yourself would jump
at the opportunity to point out how right he was.
4-3 Asshole!
-Charley G., Ypsilanti"
"With all due respect Mr. Greek, how could you think so highly of Al
Davis? You painted him as a visionary and credited him for the NFL
product we have today. I could not disagree with you more. He was
arrogant. He was eccentric and always crabby. Al was self centered and
what he did to the loyal fans of Oakland back in the 80's was shameful.
Then he jerked the fine fans in LA around when he moved the team back to
Oakland. How can you honor a man that thinks so little of the fans?
Sincerely,
-Art Modell, Baltimore"
"Greek,
A couple of things real quick: To go greek is to be a willing recipient of anal sex; this phrase
usually refers to the first time this occurs, but can be applied to a
veteran too. The 'g' in greek can be capitalized, but it doesn't change
the meaning. This slang originates on the US east coast, but hilarious
misuse of it pops up at universities all over the country during
fraternity and sorority rush weeks, since a lot of them make signs and
banners saying 'go greek'.
New Mexico State is 2-0 since you picked us to beat the mangy mutts.
Keep up the great work!
-Ian, Alamogordo"
"I want to beat you to death and then sodomize your corpse with welding
torch while masturbating to the smell of your burning flesh. Now that I
have your attention, I want to tell you what a piece of shit you really
are. You hide behind the computer and think you are so much better than
everyone else. You take shots at people's religion, sexuality, political
views, gender, and the list goes on. I am surprised they haven't given
you a TV show yet. If they did, I would have to stalk you and make your
life miserable.
-Sarah, Florence (Alabama)"
"Dude,
I still hate you, but I have to give credit where credit is due. First
(and most surprising), you have been classy when referring to Jerry Kill
and his medical issues. Second, this line was funny and not filthy:" You know why God put so many lakes in Minnesota? So you could fish a
different one every Saturday and never have to watch the Gangrenous
Gophers again." Lastly, I have never laughed at one of your lines harder than: "Yes, great job on forcing Relf from the game and then
letting the back-up shred you like Child Support shreds Antonio
Cromartie. That dude is like a DNA lawn sprinkler.
-Lazerus, St. Paul"
See you next week folks!
Want to let the Greek have it?
Send ALL hate mail to jpthegreek@gmail.com
COMMENTS
Currently, there are no comments. Be the first to post one!
Click here to post a comment