|
|
|
The Not So Top 10 Week #6: Odds and Ends
The Not So Top 10 Week #6
Odds and Ends
I love my new job, but good Lord I am busier than the scoreboard
operator for Oklahoma State. So this week there's no special theme like
the Poo Poo Diary and you should be able to keep your lunch or dinner
down while reading this. It will still be offensive, I mean, what do you
want me to do...go legit? So I am just going to let the current events
hold their own with some special commentary by the Greek...that and a
few pieces of hate mail to boot.
Before we get started...I must pay my respects.
A moment of silence as the football world lost an incredible character.
Al Davis passed away this past weekend. I loved Al. He provided me with
many an alliteration because of his eccentricity and balls the size of
church bells. Al did shit his way, and whether you liked him or not, you
had to respect that about him. He didn't mince words. He didn't beat
around the bush. When you put a mic in front of Al Davis...shit got
real.
He embraced the Raiders role as the villian, almost with a flare only
found in professional wrestling. He recently made some news in college
football when former Raider Head Coach Lane Kiffin was hired by
Tennessee. He went as far as sending a friendly letter of warning to
Tennessee trying to inform them of what a little dickhead they just
hired and that their football program would be in danger for having Lane
calling the shots. When Al fired the little weasel, he called him a
disgrace to the organization. That was Al. He never hid from anything
and he took responsibility for his errors.
"It hurts because I picked the guy. I picked the wrong guy."
Al was truly one of a kind and should be remembered for the man being
responsible for shaping the NFL into the product it is today. He should
be remembered as the quirky, say anything at any moment, colorful
character he was in life. A very special "fuck you" to CBS for
announcing Al's death with a picture of him looking like the fucking
Crypt Keeper, when they should have used a younger and more flattering
picture of the man that brought NFL football into the mainstream.
"You don't adjust. You just dominate." -Al Davis
And now for the odds:
I don't think there is anything funnier than an Amish crime wave. No,
not criminals perpetrating acts against the Amish...we are talking about
Amish on Amish crime...and we ain't talking about stealing someone's
cow or even rubbing one off in someone's butter churn. Seems the
Bergholz Clan has been running around, invading other Amish people's
homes and then cutting off the beards of the men and giving the women
the Pat Benatar look. (I'm sorry...all I can picture is a team of
Shetland ponies pulling a low-rider wagon rolling with some Amish dudes
wearing their fedoras to the side) See, the Amish live by a code called
Ordnung...which sounds like a Klingon Holiday or a STD you'd get from an
Auburn cheerleader. According to the mighty Ordnung, only married men
can wear a beard...but mustaches are forbidden. Women do not cut their
hair ever...so one would assume that the hair cutting by the Bergholz
Clan was to humiliate the other Amish folk and leave them in poor
standing with God.
So what's next? Do we get Jews breaking into other Jewish homes and
force feeding them shellfish and pork...or making them claim Jesus
Christ as the son of God? Are we going to have Muslims running around
circumcising each other and forcing liquor down their fellow Muslims'
throats...or making the women out of their houses with their ankles
exposed?
More oddness:
Some guy throws a hot dog at Tiger Woods and gets taken down like John
Hinkley Jr. Look, I understand that it was simple battery and that a
crime was committed. But Tiger should have been arrested too...anyone
who has paid to watch him play has been a victim of theft. Plus, it's
not like the hot dog would have hurt Tiger...it was soft...much like his
game. The guy was probably just trying to help Tiger...I mean between
his child support, alimony, and the way he has played lately...homeboy
was trying to feed Tiger because he isn't exactly rolling in the dough.
You want to cause harm to Tiger...hit him with wedding vows.
And now for the Ends
Well, that's a good start anyway...
After looking at those two ends...I feel a little bit better about this
next segment. Western Kentucky finally won a game, ending their record
32 week stay in the Not So Top 10. As I watched Jakes hit Rainey in the
back of the end zone to give the HillFloppers the overtime win, I was
mortified to check my emails. As expected, the rubes from Bowling Green,
Kentucky, were acting like they won the BCS title. I have decided to
share some of their emails in their entirety...none of which I have
responded to. I figured I'd let them have their moment instead of
reminding them that they still have the longest home losing streak in
the Nation at 18 games...but why steal their moment of glory? It's not
everyday that the Feminine Hygiene Products are good for more than one
period.
"Mr. Greek,
I am an English professor at Western Kentucky. You desperately need a
proofreader as you are a grammatical nightmare. Your use of ellipses is
rampantly erroneous and I find it very difficult to make it through your
journalistic endeavors. This column is looks as if "Stevie" from
Malcolm in the Middle wrote it. Not that I am a regular reader of your
tripe. I was shown this column a few times by one of my students who
happens to play for our proud football program. He was angry at the
total lack of respect you have, not only for our students, athletes, and
fans, but for humanity in general. Before you go around insulting
people, I suggest you either finish High School or have a grown up type
your column for you.
-Dr. "K" English Department- WKU
(Awesome! An English professor insulted me!!! Dr. K should get teacher
of the year if she taught her "student/athlete" how to read! Plus, the
Stevie line was brilliant. I hate it when the emailers are funny. By the
way Dr. K...Western...Kentucky...still...sucks...donkey...cock!)
"We won! Eat shit mother fucker!
-Wally, Bowling Green"
"Assface,
We fuckin' one! But I bet you will still have us in you're stupid fuckin' pole. I hope you die and you're kids get to wach!
-No Named Fuck, Bowling Green"
(Seems like Dr. K hasn't gotten to Bowling Green's next Shakespeare.)
"36-33!! Put that in your crack pipe and smoke it bitch!
-J.J., Bowling Green"
"Hey Greek,
On behalf of the entire student body and football team at Middle
Tennessee State University, I apologize for our teams performance
against those inbreeds from WKU. If you do not have my Blue Raiders
ranked this week I will have to stop reading your column for I will feel
like it has lost its journalistic integrity. I am sorry we let you down
and I feel for you because I am sure you are catching shit from those
fucking Hillbillies.
God we SUCK!
Austin, Murfreesboro, TN"
(This is several firsts...1) A legible email from Tennessee 2) An
apology from a fan 3) I am speechless that someone from Tennessee can
rag on Kentucky folks for being inbreeds and Hillbillies!)
There were about 7 more that echoed the same sentiments that only Dr. K
could convey with any intelligence. So, put your beard guard on, make
sure you are wearing your hot dog safety goggles, "Just win Baby!", and
enjoy the Not So Top 10 for Week #6.
1. New Mexico (0-5) Last Week #1-
The Low Blows had the week off to reflect on being beaten like
Christina Crawford by in state rival New Mexico State. Getting beaten by
a team that once employed Hal Mumme or losing to them within 5 years
after his departure automatically qualifies you for the Not So Top 10.
Being 0-4 BEFORE you fired Mike Locksley makes you #1. If the Low Blows
think the Aggonies laid the beat-down on them, wait until Nevada goes
all Joan Crawford on them.
This Week: at Nevada...they beat UNLV 37-0, so it will be
interesting to see if New Mexico does much worse. (Not really, but I
have nothing else to do on Saturday during that time because my dentist
won't work on Saturday's and my insurance won't cover
"voluntary/elective root canals.)
2. Memphis (1-5) Last Week #3- Thank
God they have great BBQ in Memphis...because their football is the food
equivalent of Ellie May Clampett's baking. The Rice Bowels dumped the
Tigers in the "cement pond" and sunk Memphis just that much deeper to
the bottom of the college football world. The 28-6 loss marked the 4th
time this season that Memphis had more punting yardage than total
offense. I am surprised that Egypt has not sued Tennessee on behalf of
Pharaoh Menes to force the Tigers to cease an desist with their shitty
program and sullying the good name of the former capital of Aneb-Hetch.
This Week: vs East Carolina...who are on the verge of making their NST 10 debut....but at least there is someone who is thankful for Memphis football.
3. Florida Atlantic (0-5) Last Week #5-
I bet Howard wished he's have retired last year. The Fouls are
certainly not doing him justice on his farewell tour. They have stunk up
the field worse than a toddler in the trunk of a car in the hot Florida
sun. (What? Too soon?) Seriously, maybe FAU should change their name to
the "Killer Casey's"...at least there will be something offensive on
the field. In last week's loss to North Texas, the Mean Gangrene
exploded for 24 points including back to back pick sixes. That
performance surely made Howard hang himself with his Sun Belt.
This Week: vs Western Kentucky...The Greek's Ghastly Game of the Week. I am picking the Fouls in this one...I can't have WKU fans be happy two weeks in a row.
4. Minnesota (1-5) Last Week #7-
The Gangrenous Gophers have a new streak that I truly hope continues.
This weekend Minnesota's efforts did not give Jerry Kill a seizure. They
have been outscored 103-17 and let Purdue get loose on them for a cool
45. You know why God put so many lakes in Minnesota? So you could fish a
different one every Saturday and never have to watch the Gangrenous
Gophers again....well...that and they need a lot of room and water when
it's bathing day for their women/sows.
This Week: A Bye...and not a hot "Bi" like Jenna Jameson...more
like a skanky pretend "Bi" like the Tila Tequila whore...then Nebraska
gets to play the part of strobe lights and flashing video games for
Coach Kill.
5. UAB (0-5) Last Week #6- UAB...or U Are Bad...or U Amazingly Blow.
The Blowzers give up an average of over 500 yards of offense to their
opponents each game. Thay rank 111th vs the run and 100th vs the pass.
They are to college football what UPN was to television...unwatchable.
People wanted me to give them credit for their "valiant" effort against
Miss State. Yes, great job on forcing Relf from the game and then
letting the back-up shred you like Child Support shreds Antonio
Cromartie. That dude is like a DNA lawn sprinkler.
This Week: at Tulsa...while not Oklahoma, the Golden Hurricane will do their best Sooners impression this weekend.
6. Middle Tennessee State (1-4) Last Week NR- I am so pissed at these assholes I could just spit...
Fuck the Boo Raiders! That's all I got. If I was sending them hate mail, I'd just spit in an envelop.
This Week: A Bye...then at FAU...where they will possibly screw over another perfect season for an NST 10 yearly resident.
7. UNLV (1-4) Last Week #8-
The Runnin' Retards were blanked 37-0 by Nevada. That should speak
volumes about just how bad this team really is. I found it funny that
some of the players were excited about opening up conference play this
weekend. Why? So another team that does not belong at the FBS level can
beat you by 30? They are going to get fucked harder than passed out High
School girl at a party hosted by Jack Trudeau...and listening to his
show would be better than watching UNLV football.
This Week: at Wyoming...The team with the ugliest uniforms in the country. Lady Gaga wouldn't even wear them.
8. Idaho (1-5) Last Week #9-
Robb Akey and his Vandals are moving on up in the NST 10. Ever notice
Akey sounds like the manager for the Cleveland Indians in Major League?
That's where the similarities end because even Hollywood could not write
a believeable script in which Idaho won anything...ever. Checking the
event schedule for the Kibbles N Bits "Dome"...let's see...aah...The
Moscow Health Fair. Free Prostrate Screening for Middle School
boys...Seminar: Your Vagina is no Place for a Potato...and a Focus
Group: Keeping the Moscow Community Pure by Inbreeding. Awesome stuff!
This Week: at New Mexico State...and the Aggonies will keep winning to spite me since I picked DeWayne Walker in our Coaches Dead Pool.
9. Arizona (1-5) Last Week NR-
How in the Hell do you go 1-5 with one of the top QB's in the country?
The Mildcats AD asked himself the same question and then promptly fired
Mike Stoops. Sad when the only coach that has appeared in the NST the
could not outlast Stoops was Mike Locksley. Even Ron English is
laughing. Was it me or did Stoops always act like he had sand in his
vagina? Hey Mike...you mad bro? Good thing Arizona is getting a nice
chunk of change from the new PAC 12 contract so they can pay this
football anchor off...they are hoping that his brother Bob hires
him...but the last time I checked...the Sooners want to continue
winning.
This Week: a Bye...then UCLA in one of the biggest Pillow Fights of the century...Mike...Rick even outlasted you...you suck!
10. Florida (4-2) Last Week NR-
I am being selfish. I am giving Florida the mojo spot this week. They
MUST beat Auburn...they just have to. If they don't...Psycho Will may go
all Danny Rolling when they get back to Gainesville. Good thing we
don't pay Charlie Weis by the pound...hopefully the guy can put down the
pallet of Krispy Kreme's long enough to figure out a way to move the
football...435 yards in two weeks gets you a spot in the NST 10 and is
not acceptable for Gator Nation. And fuck Auburn...sincerely.
This Week: at Auburn...hopefully this game won't come down to some faggot kicker winning if for the War Chickens.
Want to let the Greek have it?
Send ALL hate mail to jpthegreek@gmail.com
COMMENTS
Currently, there are no comments. Be the first to post one!
Click here to post a comment