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The Not So Top 10 Week #5: There's an "App" for That!
The Not So Top 10 Week #5

There's an "App" for That!
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Before this goes any further, I have to get this off my chest, and this is the rare case in which I have to get something off my chest that I have not paid a hooker to put on it. This was the most frustrating football weekend I have had in recent memory. I want to kick a midget. I am so angry at the Football Gods right now, I want to go to a driving range with a bucket full of cute, fluffy kittens.

Is there an "App" to start your football weekend over or help you black out what transpired?

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_rzJHDdHabLw/SZ1jvzCXJkI/AAAAAAAABus/Z832YgxnFXw/s400/crying+baby.jpgFor starters, it was bad enough that the Alabama Crimson Tide Death Squad crushed my Gators like a Henan Zhumadian Zhengyang construction protester. It was bad enough that they handed us our worse home loss since the Ron Zook era. It was bad enough that Gator Nation's National Title optimism died on Saturday night. It was bad enough that we knew no matter the outcome of this game we still had a trip to LSU next week. All that I can swallow better than Linda Lovelace. But did Alabama have to grind our bowl aspirations into the ground deeper than Greece's credit rating by taking out Brantley for potentially the rest of the season? I mean...I know he was a pile of shit to most of the country...but he was our pile of shit, and with him we still had chances to beat Auburn, Georgia, Vanderbilt, Furman, South Carolina, and Florida State. With him, we had a shot at getting embarrassed by Alabama or LSU for the second time (on a neutral field in the SEC Championship Game in Atlanta) and enjoy maybe the Capital One Bowl. Now, I am sweating bowl eligibility. Thank God for Vanderbilt and Furman. Unless Charlie Weis can pull a miracle out of that rather large derriere of his...BBVA Compass Bowl...here we come...I hope. You still can count one win over an FCS team towards bowl eligibility...right?

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_m0W__BHqqlk/SpcfBxalOpI/AAAAAAAAAYM/FwvU0r5mb0M/s320/rex-grossman-screwed.jpg***Special Note to Football Gods: Have us Gators not given you enough in sacrifice? I know the arrangement has been the sacrifice of Florida quarterbacks NFL careers in exchange for winning conference and the occasional BCS title...so what gives? Have we not given you Steve Spurrier...both playing AND coaching in the NFL? Kerwin Bell? Wayne Peace?John Reeves? Danny Wuerffel? Jesse Palmer...I mean...we even had to endure The Bachelor with this guy? Doug Johnson? Tim Tebow? Have we not given you Tebow Tears and circumcisions? So is it that Rex Grossman is actually playing well and has the Redskins at 3-1 or is it that Brantley won't have an NFL career to sacrifice? I really hate you fucks right now...

That capped a Saturday where I saw most of the teams I laid some cake on take it up the keister. Northwestern, South Carolina, Navy, Texas A&M, Virginia Tech, Colorado State, Temple, and Arkansas State (they didn't lose but did not cover against the lowly HillFloppers)...you can all blame me. I was pissed off at you until Sunday. That's when I realized you did not fuck me...rather...I fucked you by picking you to win.

http://www.snarknewsnetwork.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/47543.romo_.jpgIt became painfully obvious that I had the football kiss of death at about 3:17pm EST. That was when Tony Romo threw his 3rd interception against Detroit while I simultaneously was checking my fantasy scores for the first time since I had set the line ups earlier that morning. I had benched Romo in favor of Fitzgerald...a 31 point error even with the 3 picks and 2 being returned for touchdowns. I also sat Frank Gore, and in two other leagues I put Dez Bryant on the bench. As I stared in disgust at the screen lamenting over a possible 0-3 mark with my trio of fantasy teams, my attention was diverted by the sound of the Cowboys' biggest collapse in their history. I swear I want to break into a blind person's house and move their furniture around.

I just checked. The lone game I had a shot in...my opponent has Aaron Rodgers who just gave him a cool 89 points. Monday could not have arrived here fast enough.

Back to our theme...

There is literally a phone "app" for everything nowadays. You would be amazed...or...if you read this column regularly...you wouldn't be amazed at the type of "apps" you can get on your Droid or I-Phone.

Here's one that I wish I had a few years ago: The Poo-Poo Diary

http://www.dffl.us/reports/2006/massive-poop-bucket.jpgYes, with this amazing "app", you can track your daily throne time right on your phone! All in the name of good digestive and colo-rectal health...right? This amazing little function allows you to record each time you snap off a deuce. Each time you drop the Seminoles off at The Doak, you just click the little calendar that pops up when you hit your Jankum Journal ( Jankum or Jankem...it is an hallucinatory gas made by fermenting sewage. Very popular in the jails. Just shit it a air tight container and store it in a warm, safe place for a few days. Then pop the lid off and huff the gas. Yes, this is REAL and you can get high off off your own ass spackle...marvelous...yet we still do not have a cure for cancer.) It then records the time, and then you can get specific on the "app".

Like the color of your efforts: PP PP PP PP PP PP PP PP

Special Note: if your shit (literally) is red like the last box...go to the fucking emergency room immediately. This has been a public service announcement by The Greek.

You can even note the look/consistency of your dookie: Banana, Thin, Ice Cream, Chestnuts, Mud, Watery, etc.

http://www.thegameshowtemple.com/tribute/hall_lmad.jpgThe reason I wish I had it a few years ago was this game a few of us "hospitality industry" (translated to legal slave labor) used to play. We'd negotiate the release of the chocolate hostages and then take a picture of our brown baby boy send it to each other and then everyone would rate it. The best twist on the game was called "The Monte Hall"...you'd shit and not flush it (either during opening or after the store closed), then the next person would have to guess which stall you dropped loaf in. Pretty sick...but nothing compared to what we did to your food when you and 12 others walked in 2 minutes before closing on a Saturday night...asking "When do you guys close?" and then the hostess tells you "In two minutes" hoping you won't be THAT dickhead and sit with your 13 top...extending our workday at the very least another hour...then...like a big fucking douche bag...you look at your watch...knowing full well you don't give two fucks about the time or the employees...and then say "okay...we'll sit as long as we aren't putting you out." Chances are those folks involuntary consumed some of our DNA...and we will leave it at that.

So, I thought it would be neat-o-keen to use the Poo Poo Diary to compare the teams in this week's Not So Top 10. So kick back, get your bucket of kittens and your favorite driver ready, get that 5 gallon bucket of fermenting Jankum, and enjoy The Not So Top 10 for Week #5.

1. New Mexico (0-5) Last Week #1- Color: PP Consistency: Pebble Turd: This shit is known as "The Let Down"...you have the dookie cramps...almost like you are about to shit yourself. You are farting like you are going to pass an elephant. You assume your rightful place upon your throne...and begin getting Braxton-Hicks contractions. You sweat and grunt, almost to the point of tears. The smell is bad enough to make a maggot jump off a garbage truck...you stand up to look back at your efforts...and there's on little pebble turd in the commode...looking lonely, pathetic, and sad. This IS New Mexico Football. The Low Blows are like the campus whore from college. Violated in every hole imaginable and then forgotten about until the next time you are hard up for some ass...or a win on the schedule. They lost to the Aggonies of New Mexico State this week in "The Battle of the State Mexico does not want back". It will take them sometime to undo the damage that Mike Locksley had done in his 2 1/4 seasons, but for now, they are more legitimately shittier than any other FBS team in the country.

This Week: a BYE and then at Nevada (Oct. 15th)...this is a "Two Flusher" game for sure.

2. Western Kentucky (0-4) Last Week #2- Color: PP Consistency: Vaginal Blood Fart Mud: The only way you can have this kind of shit is if you are a chick on the rag...and what better type of excrement to use to describe Western Kentucky Football? See, a chick having menstrual cramps and the dookie chills rushes to the bathroom. She breathes and pushes like she was being coached by a Mid-wife. Then, her uterus and intestines contract at the same time...evulsing the contents of her colon and her baby bunker in unison. It is so powerful, the fart and the queff damn near lifts her off the seat. She looks back and sees the bloody mountain of butt-mud...she feels compelled to name it...so she calls it Willie Taggert. The Hillfloppers (or Fighting Vaginal Blood Farts) lost...again...at home...again...this time to Arkansas State. This extends their NCAA "Best" 18 game home losing streak that dates back to 2008.

This Week: at Middle Tennessee State...Sit down for this one...WKU has won 2 in a row on the road. That ends this week.

3. Memphis (1-4) Last Week #3- Color: PP PP PP PP Consistency: The Salvador Dali: This type of shit is typically reserved for heavy drinkers, and if I were a Memphis fan, my liver would be dead already. The Dali Dookie usually occurs after binge drinking. It starts in the morning with vodka and coffee, followed by a breakfast of over easy eggs, a pound of ham, and a couple of 10mg Percocet. Then for lunch, a few Bloody Mary's and 7 layer nachos with an Oxycontin chaser. Then dinner follows, which consists of rum and grape soda because you ran out of mixer, BBQ ribs and corn on the cob. A night cap of a handle of Jim Beam is just the catalyst for the next morning. The sounds, screams, and smells that radiate from the bathroom are inhuman. The bathroom clock begins to melt (hence the Salvador Dali tag). You look down in the bowl expecting to see your ruddy gray dying liver hanging from your ass like a flesh yo-yo. You think you have seen something similar before...ah yes...Memphis football. They lost to winless Middle Tennessee State last week and they do not have another POSSIBLE win until November 12th when they host UAB.

This Week: at Rice...The Greek's Gastrointestinal Ghastly Gangrenous Game of the Week. The Rice Bowels will snake out the Tigers.

4. Oregon State (0-4) Last Week #5- Color: PP Consistency: The Ripper: Not to be confused with The Rostov Ripper Shit...that's reserved for cannibals like Andrei Chikatilo...passing bits of human bone and cartilage and shredding your asshole like a wheat thrasher. No, The Ripper gets its name because of its incredible adhesive properties. The initial pain is from the fecal assailant ripping out your anal pubes faster than Rich Rodriguez shredding files in West Virginia and Michigan. It's as if your diet consisted of wallpaper paste, Elmer's glue sticks, and several tubes of Crazy Glue. If the Skipper or Gilligan could have had one of these bowel movements, they would have been able to patch up the Minnow and the series would have only lasted one episode. Then, after ripping out your butt hair follicles, the wiping begins. You kill 37 trees just getting the rank residue off of your hiney. When you flush this bad boy, it leaves more skid marks Judy Garland after a night of drinking...and you have to chisel them off of the bowl to get it clean. Being a Beaver fan right now is about that painful and not biting down on the barrel of a gun his harder than scraping off those skid marks. They gave a decent effort against Arizona State but move up because they continue to eat buckets of "Lose" for breakfast.

This Week: vs Arizona...this is it...the last chance for Oregon State to get a win. The coach who is on the losing end will be fired first.

5. Florida Atlantic (0-4) Last Week #9- Color: PP PP PP Consistency: The Senior Menu Special: Ever wonder why old people eat the most mundane food possible? I'll tell you...they are afraid of passing anything sturdy through their assholes...it could break a hip while grunting it out. So, these old farts eat and drink bland crap: weak tea, decaf coffee, liver and onions, dry toast, etc. The Senior Menu Special Poop kind of just falls out of their asses, with no pageantry at all. Maybe it is because their sphincters are shot out from the beef and cheese road diets of their earlier days...who knows? It smells like fermented prunes, rancid Ensure, Ben Gay, Old Spice (if male) or Jean Nate Body Splash (if female). This is exactly what Howard Schnellenberger squeezes out every morning...and his stool is tougher than his football team. The FAU Fouls are that fucking pathetic...even though they put up a decent fight against La Lafayette in the 37-34 loss. They only have two shots at wins this season...in two weeks when they host WKU and November 26th when they host UAB.

This Week: at North Texas...If Schnellenberger could find a way to make his turds eligible to play on Saturday...the Fouls could stand a chance. Admissions can't be THAT difficult at FAU...right?

6. Alabama-Birmingham (0-4) Last Week NR- Color: PP Consistency: Pink Pancake Batter: And no...before you ask...this is not UAB's efforts for breast cancer awareness. This poop is reserved for those males with "alternative life styles". It begins with a long night of drinking Zima's and Chardonnay while watching Gilmore Girls reruns and American Idol, dancing the night away to Cold Play and Kings of Leon, and then mashing each others dinner in. Very romantic. The next morning...romance is dead as the morning ritual begins. The mixture of baby batter and blood from the superficial anal capillaries or the gouges from Lance's pinky ring after a spontaneous fisting escapade create the phenomenon known as Pink Pancake Batter...and if you look closely you may be lucky enough to see knuckle hair or in some extreme cases...you can see that the "swimmers' are still active. Watching UAB Meat-Gazer football is like walking in on some Pink Pancake Batter...and the toilet won't flush...fan won't work...window won't open...and the bathroom door lock broke...and you're trapped in there with some dude's cum dumpster squeezin's.

This Week: vs Mississippi State...Special note- For any gay dude that is going to send me hate mail about the above blurb...please don't. First off, you are here by mistake..the site is called "The Best Damn Poll In The Land"...what you were looking for is spelled "p-o-l-e". Plus, I will just publish your homo hate-o-gram and retort with intolerant stereotypical and homophobic insults. On second thought...please do send me your hate mail...I have a killer work schedule next week and may need some cheap and easy material.

7. Minnesota (1-4) Last Week #6- Color: PP PP PP PP PP PP Consistency: The Peptobismol Poo: Don't let the name trap you into a specific color. The Pepto Poop comes in an assorted array of colors and consistencies. But no matter what the latter and former may be, one thing is for certain, not even Rosie O'Donnell's gynecologist could stand the smell. The Pepto Poop draws its name from the way the stench coats everything. It permeates the walls, the bathroom rugs, even your clothing. I can think of nothing better to describe the stankness of loserdom that oozes from every pore of the Gangrenous Gopher program. They are 8-17 in their last 25 B1G games and haven't won a B1G conference title since 1967. Since that last title to today, the Gangrenous Gophers  have compiled almost 300 losses...damn near 3/4 of their historical total of 473 have occurred in the last 40 years and they have made a habit of losing to FCS schools...AT HOME. The best thing that could happen to Minnesota aside from being kicked out of the B1G and joining the Sun Belt would be for someone to come in, light a match, break them up with a coat-hanger, and flush them out of their misery. Last week, Michigan shit-stomped Minnesota 58-0.

This Week: at Purdue...because even Boilermakers need someone to make fun of.

8. UNLV (1-3) Last Week #4- Color: PP Consistency: The Gambler: This poo happens at the most inopportune time...like a company dinner, family function, or worst yet...on a date. It starts out innocently enough...just a small gurgle from your lower intestine. You let out a small tester fart, checking for volume, bouquet, and to make sure the sphincter levy will hold better than the levies in New Orleans. The tester goes off without a hitch. You let out a little more. No smell, very little sound that can be covered with a well timed cough or a clearing of the throat. You decide to go for broke and total relief...then it happens. It had been ready for you this time...the levy gets breached, and last night's dinner covers your jockey shorts like latex paint. Oh, it also has smell now and where there was little volume...now everyone around you knows you farted...either that or you stepped on a baritone duck. You excuse yourself and make it to the bathroom...almost. The unruly fart that has flowered into a fecal Niagara Falls has run down your leg and you slip on your own sewage...looking like Scooby Doo trying to run from a ghost. It is stinky, messy, and embarrassing...and THAT folks perfectly describes the UNLV Runnin' Retards to a "T"...or should we say "P"? They drop 4 spots this week because of their bye week, but look for them to climb back near the top this weekend.

This Week: at Nevada...does anyone really care?

9. Idaho (1-4) Last Week NR- Color: PP PP Consistency: The Cement Mixer: This is as painful as it sounds. It starts out as a normal deuce, but in seconds it goes from relief to agony. You start second guessing your decision to wolf down two jars of peanuts the evening before to soak up the excess alcohol. The peanuts feel like razor blades as they scrape their way out of your bunghole...gaining momentum...and sounding like someone firing off an AK-47 full of BB's against the porcelain bowl. It feels as if you are passing 3000 psi curb mix at a 4 inch slump (construction workers are cringing right now). It's rough and gravelly...just like Robb Akey's voice. The Idaho Vandals are back in the NST 10 after last year's absence and fluke bowl appearance. It's like Christmas...I can rag on their 12,000 seat "stadium", which looks like a hanger at a rural municipal airstrip. TNA Wrestling won't even do a show there because it is too small of a venue. I can again refer to it as the Kibbles and Bits Dome...named after the food they serve the cheerleaders.

This Week: vs Louisiana Tech...which marks a very busy day for the versatile Kibbie Dome. On top of the game, there's the Flea Market and Swap meet, Tractor Pull, and a special mass ceremony in which some Vandal boosters will be marrying their favorite cow...be it human or bovine. It will be a hot time in old Moscow tonight!

10. Texas A&M (2-2) Last Week NR- Color: PP PP PP Consistency: The Saturn Rocket: While the smell is bad yet tolerable (burnt rocket fuel, broccoli, yogurt, onions, and ketchup), the consistency truly lives up to it name. There are 3 stages. Stage 1: The turd starts out firm, sturdy, and strong (much like the Aggies in the first half of their last two contests.) It stretches the limits of your poor little brown eye, similar to shitting out a broom handle. Then, there's a slight pause in the action. Stage 2: The pressure builds in your intestines and you can feel that things are changing... and not for the better. Things are slightly loser and less organized and what was once firm and solid has now become weakened and mushy (the Aggies in the 3rd quarter.) That's when you start to notice the ever so subtle burning of your coin purse. Another momentary pause. Stage 3: Things get ugly. The cramps are unbearable and you begin to sweat. You know what's coming and there's nothing you can do to stop it. You have lost the battle before it had begun (the Aggies in the 4th quarter.) The next thing you know is that you have become a napalm ass cannon, as it burns so badly that you swear you could smelt iron in the bowl. You become religious and beg for God to end it quickly (the Aggies fan base.) The smell begins to burn your eyes, and for a brief moment your mind is taken off of the 4 alarm fire on your asshole only because you are almost certain that the smell is actually burning the skin on your arms and face. What is it going to take to turn things around for the Aggies? Maybe the US Government can come in and kill them the same way they did the shuttle program.

This Week: at Texas Tech...I am giving the Aggies the coveted mojo spot this week...not because I hold a grudge against Tommy for the way he did Ole Miss dirty...not for him beating UF in 2006 & 2007...but because Texas Tech deserves to lose every game because those cheap pieces of shit still have not paid Mike Leach what they owed him from 2009. Sorry bastards!

Some things to chew on...

Steve Jobs just died...does that mean Bill Gates wins?

The NBA just canceled preseason. Are you upset because you won't be attending games with hardly any of the stars playing yet being charged full price?

Rosanne Barr has entered the political arena. This is SCARY folks. She's combined the French Revolution, Robin Hood, and the Progressive Movement in America all into one platform. Off with their heads!

See you next week!

Want to let the Greek have it?

Send ALL hate mail to jpthegreek@gmail.com



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