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The Not So Top 10 Week #2 Observe and Report
The Not So Top 10 Week Two
Observe and Report
I constantly get asked "When does it run
out? What do you do when you run out of insults or fucked up things to
talk about?" It's a fair question, because over the last 4 years of
doing this, one would think I would have hit on almost every offensive
subject out there and insulted every last ethnic group, religious belief
system, political party, and football fan base.
But I haven't even scratched the surface.
In the event that I do find myself lacking of my muse, I have a very
simple philosophy that works every time. Observe and report. It's
simple. Here, I'll show you how it works.
Step 1
Look at what is going on around you. Is there a celebrity in the news
recently? Maybe a sex scandal? Drug abuse? A celebrity dying is usually
good for a paragraph of obscenity laced tirades to go against the grain
of the mainstream's emotions about their passing. That always makes for
some great backlash and hate mail. If you are not fortunate enough to
have some self absorbed douche bag super star die or kill someone and
then die, you must dig a little deeper in the news to find some good,
pliable material.
Like this jewel here:
Florida Woman Claims to be Vampire/Bites Wheel Chair Bound Senior
Thank God I live in Florida. This story takes place in St. Petersburg, FL...God's Waiting Room.
Step 2
Search the story thoroughly. What type of restaurant was it? That's
always good for some jokes and even a possible threat of litigation.
That alone will put you on the map. This particular place was a Hooters
that went under. Insert a plethora of jokes here.
Dude was in a wheel chair...check. This has potential to really piss off
a wide group of people. This is full of win right here. But press
further. What does the dude look like? What about the whacky chick?
Step 3
Go to your dark, angry place. Take a pinch of insensitivity, a
dash of degradation, a smidgen of sarcasm, and some profanity and mix it
together thoroughly. Go to the keyboard and your finished product
should look something like this:
"Speaking of complaining...
Seems like some folks here in Florida like to do nothing but bitch.
Here's an example: A wheelchair bound homeless senior citizen here in
St. Petersburg is about as ungrateful as they come. He pressed charges
against a half naked chick that was straddling and biting him. Listen
brother, you are old, wrinkly, smelly, and homeless. You shit and piss
in a bag. You should be kissing God's hairy beanbag for a chick even
being naked within 50 feet of you that you did not have to pay money to.
So what if she's a bit batshit crazy and claimed she was a vampire. So,
you got a little bit up...it's not like she ruined your career as a
spokes model for colostomy bags, hoverounds, or catheters. Hell, what
she did to you sounds like foreplay to me. Homeskillet should have
sucked it up and took one for the team. Plus, she's not too bad looking
and she might have even shared some of those great narcotics she was
obviously taking. The most epic thing about this cute little story is
that the vacant restaurant where this took place was a Hooters that went
under. A failed Hooters makes you wonder...how ugly were those chicks?"
If I fail to find a news article that I can twist into something
humorous (which is completely subjective when it comes to my work) or
offensive, I simply draw on something that has pissed me off recently
and rant about that.
For example: Jack Trudeau
Most members of TBDPITL will remember when Jack and his
co-host/homosexual porn fluff bitch Zakk (who was named after the
biggest douche on Saved by the Bell...Skreech was cooler...even though
Dustin Diamond is a dick in real life, it shows you what a fucking loser
Zakk is, because if he knew anything he would have called himself
"Slater"...but I digress) were extremely unprofessional and quite
frankly, acted like a couple of self important dicks and totally
disrespected Indiana Coach Kevin Wilson when they were interviewing him
for their shitty show that only 12 people listen to. If that wasn't bad
enough, they then took a shot at our beloved friend of the site Dan
Dakich for praising Kevin Wilson for his responses to these pompous fuck
bags.
Jack Trudeau should be the LAST person on the planet to criticize ANYONE
about losing. He is king of the losers, yet he is responsible for
ensuring Indianapolis a top 5 pick in the draft for each of the years he
was with the Colts. Amazing that the 1st year he's gone from the Colts,
they make it all the way to the AFC Championship game with a half
healthy Jim Harbaugh. Aside from his lack of football prowess, Jack is
an ultra creepy middle aged guy to boot. He had a little trouble with
the law back in June of 2007. Seems he liked to hang out with High
School kids. He threw a huge party and supplied alcohol to the minors.
He claimed he was responsible because he had all of them put their keys
into a bowl so they could not leave the party.
Yeah,
how admirable. I bet his little plan was to be sure that the guys could
leave because he had control of the keys, but conveniently, the poor
unsuspecting 17 year old hot chick...yeah...he would have "misplaced"
her keys or claim she was still too drunk to drive...and being the
upstanding Illinois graduate that he is...he would have driven her home
later.
Sure...fortunately for her, the cops were called and she was saved. See,
I picture that this wasn't the first time Jack pulled this stunt. You
know how serial killers like to save something personal from their
victims as a trophy...well...when Jack would pull this stunt, he'd save
the blood stained mattress from the deflowerings. He has a stack of 6 or
7 mattresses out back. Hell, I pictured his garage to be like Ed
Gein's, except instead of a hardware store clerk field-dressed and
hanging in the garage, Jack had dozens of mummified hymens hanging to
dry...so he could make a skin suit to resemble a REAL Illinois
quarterback...Jeff George.
If I am still struggling for material...I just go to my inbox and go
through the hate mail that I receive copious amounts of. This is always
good for a chuckle.
Greek,
You disgust me. It is a sad day when our Constitution protects the right
for you to put this filth out for public consumption. You make me sick!
Your Father should have pulled out!
Sunday dinner at 6pm sharp.
Love,
Mom
Ok, so that one may have been made up for entertainment purposes, but
this next one is very real. Here's one from a very disgruntled Ohio
State fan in response to the swipe I took at the institution, its
alumnus, and former coach and big fat liar Jim Tressel:
Hey Fuck-maggot
How fucking dare you slime the good name of THE Ohio State Buckeyes and
Jim Tressel! You're a piece of shit and I'll disembowel your fucking
children if you have any and I ever come face to face with them. You are
probably some fat fuck in his mom's basement with his scUM handicap
parking pass/degree hanging over his computer surrounded by empty
Mountain Dew cans doubling as ashtrays and makeshift weed pipes. Go
choke on an AIDS infected cock. I hope you die from yeast infection of
the ass.
O-H-I-O Mother fucker!
-Harlan from Columbus,OH
Who the fuck names their kid "Harlan"? Also, why the fuck would you give
me your first name, especially when it is "Harlan"? That's just asking
for a retort.
So there you have it, that's how The Greek keeps it flowing and fresh.
So make sure your catheter is in properly, lock the wheels on your
hoveround, get your hymen skin suit of Jeff George ready, and kick back
with Week #2 of The Not So Top 10.
1. Memphis (0-2) Last Week #3-
A brother and sister (fraternal twins) were entering their senior year
of high school. Their father, a Memphis grad, was currently serving a
dime for methamphetamine possession and distribution, and their mother
had remarried to a Memphis fan who never attended college. It was
getting close to prom, so the daughter asked her stepfather for some
money to buy a dress for prom. The alcoholic belched and replied "You
have to blow me if you want that dress." Disgusted and distraught, she
recoiled. She really wanted to go to the prom...so she got really
shitfaced and approached her father. "I'll do it." Grinning, the fat
slob Memphis fan dropped his pants. As the poor girl went down, she
gagged and vurped a little. The smell was sickening. "Dude, your dick
smells like shit!" The stepdad responded "Well, your brother wanted a
tuxedo to go to the prom too." There, that was much more entertaining
than me talking about Memphis football for a paragraph.
Next Week: vs Austin Peay...this may be Memphis' only chance at a win...and they'll probably fuck it up.
2. UNLV (0-2) Last Week #4-
The Running Retards are just God-awful. They made Washington State
look...gulp...unstoppable. This is just par for the course. In 2010,
their average margin of defeat was 29.9 points per game. After just two
weeks in 2011, UNLV has been outscored 110-24...that's a 43 point
average margin of defeat. Awesome! Even better, Bobby Hauck just signed a
two year extension. He'll be at UNLV until 2014. Why? Because nobody
wants the fucking job.
Next Week: vs Hawaii...look for the Warriors to hang around 60 on them.
3. Oregon State (0-2) Last Week #10-
A kindergartner was taking an innocent shower with her Grammy. She
looks up and points to Grammy's nether regions saying "What's that
called?" Grammy replies "That's my beaver." An awkward silence follows,
and then the shower proceeds as normal. A few days later the little girl
was showering with her mother. She looks up and points at her mother's
nether regions saying "I know what THAT is called, Mommy!" The mother
hesitantly replies "What is it called?" The little girl answers proudly
"That's your beaver!" Shocked momentarily, the mother regains her
composure and begins to investigate the source of the child's
information. "Why, yes, some folks call it that. Where did you hear that
from?" The little girl answers "From Grammy! She's got a beaver
too...but her's is dead...I saw the tongue hanging out of it." Again,
this joke was much better than talking about Beaver football.
Next Week: A Merciful Bye
4. Akron (0-2) Last Week #2-
I guess the Acrid Zips just didn't suck enough this week to hold on to
their #2 ranking. It wasn't for lack of effort either. The Zips have
fumble-fucked their way to an 0-2 record and being out scored 83-3.
Acrid did manage to put up 3 points this week, but they let Steve
Addazio and his 6 play Techmo Bowl playbook rush for over 300
yards...and it would be fitting if the majority of it came on the belly
dive play. Conversely, the Zips could only muster 42 yards rushing.
Ja-Walrus Russell could run for 42 yards against friggin' Temple.
Next Week: at Cincinnati...The Bearcats will bathe in Kangaroo blood.
5. Duke (0-2) Last Week #5
The Blow Devils did about as bad as I expected them to...so why reward
them. I kept them at #5 this week. Good thing these guys get a good
education and become fine, outstanding young doctors...because they
can't play football for shit. Good thing for Blow Devil fans is that
hoops season is right around the corner. Might as well get pumped about
that, because the football team has the same odds of losing every
remaining game as the Lacross team has of being falsely accused of rape
by a lying whore, gold-digging stripper.
Next Week: at Boston College...The Eagles will finally get in the win column.
6. Minnesota (0-2) Last Week NR-
I could not type another word. Some of you are laughing right now just
at the thought of where I would take this next segment. Others are
already typing away at the hate mail calling me an insensitive low-life
dickwad for even going "there". But honestly, who didn't have "Geez, I'd
probably have a seizure or at least fake one to avoid the media if I
lost to fucking New Mexico State" pop in their heads as soon as you saw
the story? Show of hands. C'mon...I know I'm not alone. The Gangrenous
Gophers is their new NST10 Delta Chi name.
Next Week: vs Miami(OH)...The Gangrenous Gophers may win one for the Killer here.
7. San Jose State (0-2) Last Week #1-
I know...this is a huge shake up to have #1 fall 6 places after a loss.
However, the Sputterin' Spartans did manage to put up 17 points and
only lose by 10 on the road against the UCLA Bruins. Another thing to
note, when you suck all the time, you have to do special things to keep
your top spot in the Not So Top 10. Screw around and actually put forth
effort, and you'll wind up just like SJSU. Let that be a lesson to all
of you shitty football teams out there. There's hope...they may not have
a win on the schedule left if they don't pull one off this week.
Next Week: vs Nevada...Boy do they miss that guy from
last year that played well at QB that no one heard about. Sorry, a
little East Coast Bias seeping in.
8. New Mexico (0-2) Last Week #8-
The Low Blows were shower raped by Arkansas 52-3. New Mexico
hemorrhaged over 600 yards of offense and punted 9 times to the
Razorbacks 1. That, my friends, is how you get noticed by the Not So Top
10. I am a bit concerned for the future of one of my favorite
coaches/prize fighters...Mike Boom Boom Locksley. This 0-2 start may
have just secured him a running backs coaching gig with his old buddy
Ron Zook in Illinois. How will the Low Blows ever get along without him?
Next Week: vs Texas Tech...Tubberville has to be able to win this game...right?
9. Western Kentucky (0-2) Last Week #7-
Just like I predicted, Navy looked like an arena football team on
offense. Over 500 yards, and to add salt to the Fighting Feminine
Hygiene Products gaping wound, the Midshipmen uncharacteristically aired
it out for a 100 yards. They even called the dogs off on the
Hillfloppers in the 2nd half, opting to go for it on fourth down than to
add another field goal on the lopsided ass whipping. Yes, Navy. So,
where do the Hillfloppers and their once proud FCS program go from here?
Well new lows await...especially if they can manage to lose next week.
Next Week: vs Indiana State...time to renew an old FCS rivalry. Ahhh...traditions.
10.Georgia (0-2) Last Week NR-
When I think of Georgia's importance to the SEC, moreover, when I think
about their fans...I think of them as janitors who think they own the
whole damned building. Mark Richt isn't the only one looking over his
shoulder, Georgia might be drummed out of the SEC due to their un
SEC-like loss to Boise State. Now, being a Gator fan, I am indeed
enjoying Georgia's 0-2 start. You may be asking "Why give them the #10
mojo spot then, Greek?" Well, I tell you...I hate seeing animals suffer.
This is like watching the end of Old Yeller for the last two weekends. I
don't know if I can take a third one. Plus, if the mojo spot can't help
Georgia beat the mighty Chanticleers (which is Algonquin for Fucker of
Rabid Chickens), then I have no business writing this thing each week
and Georgia has no business being in the SEC.
Next Week: Coastal Carolina...looks like we've gone away from directional schools and are now naming institutions based on topographical features.
Taking a break: Eastern Michigan and New Mexico State
In the fast lane: Indiana, Boston College, Louisville, Kent State, Colorado, Fresno State, Notre Dame
See you next week folks!
Want to let the Greek have it?
Send ALL hate mail to jpthegreek@gmail.com
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