The Not So Top 10 Week One
Open WIDE!
Well, week one is in the books and
based on the performances of some teams, The Greek should really expand
this to a Not So Top 25. But after the horrible off-season with all the
scandals, cheating, etc., it is refreshing to get back to breaking down
the 10 worst teams in college football.
First, there are some things that need to be addressed immediately:
Maryland-
Holy Hell, who told you those uniforms were okay? Blind people could
see them and deaf people could hear them. Liberace's ghost told me he
would not be caught dead in those. (Yes, I channel dead gay
people...hold on...Freddy Mercury and Rock Hudson are arguing again....)
Ole Miss- You let a
bunch of Mormons talk shit about you for a week and then you snatch
defeat from the jaws of victory. Good thing you are not in the porn
business, with that choke job you would be relegated to a fluffer...or
key grip...or gaffer.
Utah State- Your
"Hands Team" looked like a bunch of fucking amputees. How in the Hell do
you not have every scholarship receiver and running back on the field
for that onside kick? It would have been nice for you to at least match
the number of men on that side of the field. Your defense went to shit
too, maybe you should hire Jose Baez as your defensive coordinator?
The Announcers- I
have to say, it was nice not to have to listen to Vern Lundquist botch
every player name he has to handle. He even calls out players that are
on other teams. Awesome. For the most part, the announcers weren't too
bad this weekend, but let me give you an example of why these guys need
some sort of class or course on commentating. Miami was driving late in
the game against Maryland...and one talking head smirked "You know, when
Harris gets back, he may have a hard time getting the job away from
Morris." On queue, Morris throws the ball right to Maryland defensive
back Cameron Chism for a pick six and sealing defeat...well...delaying
defeat would be more like it.
Cameron Chism- Three words for you..."slide Dimaggio, slide!"
The Indianapolis Colts-
Hiring Jim Tressel is setting a dangerous precedence. You do realize
that he will become the first Buckeye not to have played in the NFL and
collect a check without having McDonald's, Pizza Hut, or The State of
Ohio Unemployment Office stamped across the top of it. That's
right...he's a game day consultant...AFTER he sits 6 weeks like Terelle
Pryor has to. Maybe they could hire Bruce Pearl as "BBQ/Cookout
Consultant"?
Like my good friend Andrei Chikatilo
used to say "Let's get this bitch fired up!" So kick back, get your
blinders ready for Maryland's next set of uniforms, get the hands team
ready so they don't drop your Jerome Baker or your beer, and get ready
for The Not So Top 10 for Week One.
1. San Jose State (0-1) Last Week #1
The Spartans hold on to the top spot...barely. A 57-3 beating at the
hands of Stanford and 27 net yards rushing were good enough to keep them
on top. What sealed the deal? Stanford's back-up QB's combined for 5-5
for 61 yards including a 39 yard touchdown pass. Could the Spartans not
muster enough defense to at least not look completely shitty against
some 2nd and 3rd stringers? I swear these guys squat to pee.
Next Week: at UCLA (one more win for Ricky. Add that to the resume you'll be circulating in December!)
2. Akron (0-1) Last Week #3
The Acrid Zips hop up a spot to #2 because New Mexico showed a pulse
and the Zips flat-lined against the Buckeyes 42-0. 90 yards. Yup. That's
right, 90 yards of total offense. Their mascot needs to be changed from
that stupid ass Toys R Us kangaroo to the much more appropriate
three-toed sloth. You got beat by a coach that I would card to buy milk
and looks like the "POW!" guy from Step Brothers. Nice.
Next Week: vs Temple (at least the fans won't have to travel far to see the Zips get killed...by Steve Addazio!)
3. Memphis (0-1) Last Week #4
Memphis found the end zone...TWICE! Mississippi State also found the
end zone...8 times. That's why Memphis is up to the number 3 spot. The
Tigers even managed to look worse than Michigan's defense last year in
the Gator Bowl. Now that is a feat worthy of the NST 10 ranking. There
is hope for next week's game even though it is on the road. Their
opponent made Ron Zook look like a good coach.
Next Week: at Arkansas State (one of these teams is getting ranked next week...here)
4. UNLV (0-1) Last Week #8
The Running Retards picked up where they left off from last
year...getting smoked like weed at a Snoop Dog concert. The 51-17
whomping by Wisconsin was their standard 34 point loss. Nice showing
after Wisconsin emptied the benches. I think the secondary was comprised
of tenor sax and the drum line. At least there were three teams that
looked worse than you opening week.
Next Week: at Washington State (1-0...that's right. The Cougars are 1-0...er...2-0 after next week.)
5. Duke (0-1) Last Week NR
Welcome home Blow Devils! Back to the NST 10 in style by losing at home
against an FCS squad. Granted, Richmond is no Sacramento State, but
we've missed Dook so much in the NST 10 The Greek just had to get them
in here somehow. If it wasn't for your basketball program, you'd be
pretty mediocre at the FCS level. Thanks Coach K!
Next Week: vs Stanford (get ready for the worst home loss in Blow Devil history...and that's doing work!)
6. New Mexico State (0-1) Last Week #6
Alright, New Mexico State is setting any fires....oh...too soon?
Anyway, the 44-24 loss to Ohio was admirable. The Aggonies scored some
points. Unfortunately they made a MAC team look like they were playing
Arena Football (not to be confused with the Georgia Bulldogs look in
Atlanta). No worries, the Aggonies will have a good chance of moving up
next week.
Next Week: at Minnesota
(who looked relatively okay against USC...or USC looked really shitty.
Their coach will live up to his name this week. Promise.)
7. Western Kentucky (0-1) Last Week #7
I was really sweating it Thursday night as the Hillfloppers were
holding their own against Kentucky. I was just imagining all the
misspelled and grammatically incorrect insults that would have littered
my inbox. Worse yet, those nasty fuckers from Western Kentucky would
have probably sent me some feminine hygiene products via FedEx or
UPS...and more than likely previously used by their MommaSisterAunt.
Back to normal next week.
Next Week: vs Navy (these guys ain't no Kentucky. WKU's offense will have a lot of time on the side line not sucking.)
8. New Mexico (0-1) Last Week #2
What the Hell Low-Blows? Do you WANT to ruin your perfect season. The
14-10 loss had me worried, but now is not a time for criticism. Let's
focus on the good things the Low-Blows did: they lost...awesome...and
they made Nordly Capi (who's name sounds like a fucking Nintendo
character) look like Dick Fucking Butkus...fantastic! now let's regroup
for next week...there's an SEC team that needs some false confidence!
Next Week: at Arkansas (just playing the name game odds...Jatashun Beachum will have a monster game.)
9. Eastern Michigan (1-0) Last Week #9
Yeah, I know the Ypsilanti Correctional Community College Pigeons won.
Seemed like even God couldn't stomach watching it Saturday, so he sent
one hell of a storm over so they'd reschedule it on Sunday...when God
would be busy with church and all. The Pigeons won't win the Tyrone
Willingham Trophy, but they have to do better than beating up on a poor
MEAC team to get out of the NST 10.
Next Week: vs Alabama State (win or lose, the Pigeons will probably stay put in the NST 10. Their are NAIA schools with tougher schedules.)
10. Oregon State (0-1) Last Week NR
I am embarrassed for your fans. Sacramento State...really? How in the
Hell can a team named after my favorite and most versatile part of a
woman lose to Sacramento State? That's the only reason I am giving them
the #10 mojo spot. I would have left them completely out of the rankings
had they honored my request to change their names to Muff-Divers or
Snatch-Pounders. Oh well, they are going to need the mojo next week for
sure.
Next Week: at Wisconsin (I wonder if Malcolm Agnew regrets not signing with Illinois, Indiana, Wyoming, Virginia, or Colorado State?)
Gone but not forgotten: Buffalo (0-1), Vanderbilt (1-0)
Coming Soon: Georgia (0-1), La-Monroe (0-1), La-Lafayette (0-1), Florida Atlantic (0-1), Colorado (0-1), TCU (0-1), Ole Miss (0-1)
Want to let the Greek have it?
Send ALL hate mail to jpthegreek@gmail.com