The Not So Top 10 Preseason Poll
Well, it certainly has been a grueling
off season for us college football delinquents. Whether you were
getting flooded out of your home by cresting rivers because you were
morons and built on a 50 year flood plain and did not opt to take flood
insurance or your were dying of heat stroke, this summer has just
absolutely sucked balls.
Then, I woke up last Saturday and was
wondering what wonderful tidbits I could offer up to you all to kick off
the 2011 Not So Top 10 Preseason Poll, and like manna from God, I see
this:
“Amy Winehouse found dead at 27”
Ahh, what would we do without drugs
and serial killers? They definitely cull the herd and save us a ton of
parking spaces at the mall on Black Friday. What gets me though is the
world of social media we live in and most of the responses. I don’t
understand these people. Folks started lumping her in a very prestigious
group of musicians that passed away at the age of 27. Well damn it,
please tell me what instrument this diseased, trackmark ridden skank
played? How many multiple platinum albums did she write? These fucking
idiots want to throw Winehouse in with Hendrix, Morrison, and Cobain.
The only thing this septic tank bint had in common with those fantastic
MUSICIANS was an addiction problem. I don’t recall either Jim’s or Curt
having diseases that MENSA members would have a hard time spelling and
pronouncing.
Yet we get this pseudo-sympathetic
whining on Facebook and Twitter from the human cattle. Prayers were
tossed about like disposable children in Florida. Shock was feigned. The
feeling of despair in every bullshit “look at me I am mourning” tweet
or post was rampant.
Give me a fucking break. Just like
these fucking toolbags that were so caught up in the Casey Anthony case
crying “Justice for Caylee!” You assholes could have given two shits
about that little girl before her mom chloroformed her, let her rot in a
trunk, and then dumped her remains in a swamp. What about all the
starving children in your own hometown? Where’s the outpouring of grief
for them. Better yet, name one serviceman or woman that died defending
our country this year? Yeah…thought so.
Oh wait, that’s not sexy…or the “Cause
De Jour”. So, all these morons who never bought one of her fucking
albums or listened to any of her songs were grieving. What a bunch of
oxygen thieves. How could anyone be shocked that this train wrecked twat
that Caligula wouldn’t even fuck died? You want to feel bad for
someone, why not feel for the poor drug dealers in the UK. They suffered
the biggest loss of all.
Speaking of drugs, what the fuck was
new Vanderbilt Head Coach James Franklin huffing at the SEC Media Days?
This guy could sell an Ethiopian a diet pill. He certainly is the best
dressed of his SEC coaching brethren, but as we have learned in the 4
seasons with The Greek, you cannot polish a turd.
Vanderbilt is that turd.
Austin Ward of Vols Beat tweeted from
SEC Media Days that Franklin was “talking about recruiting anywhere in
the world” and uniting a fan base that is world-wide. I think someone
needs to remind him he may be in the State of Tennessee, but he’s in
Nashville…not Knoxville. Possibly that stark realization will come in
September. But for now, Franklin seems to wanting to usurp Saban as the
Svengali of the SEC.
While we are on the topic of
Svengali…seems that Ol Butch Davis is unemployed. Is anyone really
shocked? He was dirty at Miami and treated his players like NFL pros. I
am sure he told all those Tar Heels that were down in South Beach
whooping it up with agents about the best spots his players went to when
he was coaching at The “U”. Butch Davis was the Barry Switzer of South
Beach, and now, he can add another team that he personally “Butch-ered”
(The “U”, The Browns, and UNC). This just sent UNC back to the dark ages
in football…good thing it was a short trip for them. Special Note to
Tar Heel fans…October is right around the corner.
And now for something completely different…
Dear Senators, Representatives, IRS, and Mr. Obama
My family and I are having a hard time
with debt. We have tried to raise our debt ceiling, but those fucks
that you assholes bailed out (banks, credit card companies, and those
mortgage bastards) with our money, refuse to help us out. We also refuse
to curb our spending and I think my rich neighbors should all chip in
to reduce my debt and make sure I can afford some kick ass rims, get my
hair colored and maybe extensions, and have enough money to loan to my
other neighbor who just really hates my guts. So since my family cannot
agree on a budget and we refuse to stop spending, I hope you understand
that we will not be paying any taxes in the near future. We just wanted
to thank you for the sterling example you have set for us.
Regards,
The Greek Family
So now it’s time to get to work. The
Greek has poured over rosters, recruiting, and scheduling and proudly
brings to you year #4 of The Not So Top 10….that is if you can pull
yourself away from mourning a limey, drugged out, talentless tart. Just
in case you can’t, The Greek will keep you focused.
#1- San Jose State-
The Sputterin’ Spartans are the 2010 defending NST 10 Champs and retain
the #1 spot not only due to being defending champs, but also on the
basis that these guys just really suck.
The 2010 numbers don’t lie:
- Defensive Rank- 117th
- vs the Pass- 111th
- vs the Run- 104th
- Offensive Rank- 101st
- Rush Offense- 119th
The
only bright spot for the Spartans last year was their passing game and
their only hope of not repeating as NST 10 Champs in 2011 is to improve
upon that and actually outscore some teams. Looking at the 2011
schedule, which will read like Amy Winehouse’s toxicology report, the
Spartans only have 3 potentially winnable games: New Mexico State,
Idaho, and at Utah State. But that’s like being proud of yourself for
beating up Corky, Stephen Hawking, and Terry Schiavo.
#2- New Mexico-
The Low-Blows will be 100% horrible…but still better than Amy’s last
concert in Belgrade. However, Mike Boom Boom Locksley may want to keep
himself medicated like Amy was through the 2011 season. It may ease the
pain of the getting that pink slip in the middle of November.
The 2010 Numbers:
- Defensive Rank- 119th
- vs the Run- 120th
- Offensive Rank- 120th
- Pass Offense- 106th
- Rush Offense- 106th
Now,
the Low-Blows boasted a Pass Defense ranking of 57 last year, but
that’s because teams found so much success on the ground and were always
in the lead, which meant very little need to pass. That’s like a
chick’s snatch being tight because she likes it in the dinner dumpster.
Will the Low-Blows win more than 2 games this year? Like Amy Winehouse
stated before her ingestion of a ketamine, heroine, and ecstasy cocktail
that would have dropped both Robert Downey Jr AND Keith Richards…”I say
No…No…No”
#3- Akron-
The Acrid Zips should be kissing Buffalo’s hairy bean bags for giving
them their lone win in 2011. When LeBron took his talents to South
Beach, many thought the stink of his ego would be gone. Yet, there was
still a foul odor in the Rubber City. Then Gloria moved away, and the
perfume of stale Hennessy, malt liquor, rotten fish, and Delonte’s
scrotum sweat lessened, but a hideous stench still hangs over Akron. It
could be Cleveland but, after looking at the 2010 numbers, there’s
little doubt that the odor of losing is emanating from the Zips program:
- Defensive Rank- 99th
- vs the Run- 72nd
- vs the Pass- 113th
- Offensive Rank- 119th
- Run Offense- 101st
- Pass Offense- 108th
The
2011 schedule is United Kingdom oral hygiene ugly with only one ALMOST
sure win, as VMI pays a visit to the Acrid Zips. Actually, they should
jump on this Amy Winehouse bandwagon while it is still hot. They could
use her second “hit” single off of the Back to Black Album as their
theme song…”You Know I’m No Good”
#4- Memphis-
If the King were alive today, he would move Graceland out of Memphis
just to distance himself from the Tigers. Their performance over the
last two seasons (3-21) is enough to put Elvis off of his fried peanut
butter and banana sandwiches and his Tuinal, Desbutal, Escatrol,
Demerol, Dexedrine, Placidyl, and Dilaudid. I am not saying The King was
a fat bastard and a drug addict. I am merely stating that dying on the
shitter is a great alternative to watching Memphis Tiger football.
The 2010 numbers:
- Defensive Rank- 115th
- vs the Run- 83rd
- vs the Pass- 116th
- Offensive Rank- 117th
- Run Offense- 116th
- Pass Offense- 81st
Glancing
at the schedule, I briefly thought they could win a few games. They
drew Tulane and Rice (both on the road) out of the CUSA West. Their
third game against the West is against SMU, but they weren’t winning
that game anyway. They are on the road at Arkansas State and entertain
Austin Peay of the FCS. Possibly four wins right there. Then I
remembered they were Memphis. Maybe if they could harness the felonious
talents and violence from Nutbush and get some of those “Alternative
Athletes” on the field…but let’s not kid ourselves…those Nutbushians
could not pass an entry exam to Sesame Street. (But they could rob every
house on Sesame Street in record time.)
#5- Buffalo-
Has a college ever threatened to relocate their program? I mean, I
would if I were the Bison. It’s hard to field a competitive team when
your recruiting hook is “Come play at Buffalo. Everyone around here
drinks heavily because of the crippling depression and to make the women
that pack on an extra 25-40lbs because of the 9 months of bitter cold
actually sexually attractive.” The Greek is still a bit bitter towards
Buffalo for spoiling Akron’s winless season and losing to Eastern
Michigan.
The 2010 Numbers:
Defensive Rank- 32nd (I know…amazing, but let’s have the other shoe drop)
So why did they suck?
- Offensive Rank- 111th
- Run Offense- 102nd
- Pass Offense- 89th
So,
I am more torn than Amy Winehouse’s labia on whether or not Buffalo
will be improved. I guess I’ll just wrap this up with another senseless
shot at the women in Buffalo: Why do women in Buffalo refuse to use
vibrators? It chips their teeth…
#6- New Mexico State-
The State of New Mexico should change their official motto from “It
Grows As It Goes” to “New Mexico: Where Football Dreams Come To Die.”
New Mexico and New Mexico State have a combined record of 14-59 since
2008. The Aggonies get the #6 spot because they have two more wins
(8-29) than the Low-Blows (6-30). That’s a .192 winning percentage for
the state. Someone recently referred to the state of New Mexico as “The
Indiana of the Southwest in College Football.” Now, while funny, if you
dig deeper and keep in mind that Notre Dame is located in Indiana, it’s
wrong. Throwing out the Irish’s 21-17 record over the same time period,
it leaves us with Indiana and Purdue. Those two programs combined for a
record of 25-47 (a winning percentage of .347) which is almost double
the efforts of the Low-Blows and the Aggonies.
The 2010 Numbers:
- Defensive Rank- 112th
- vs the Run- 111th
- vs the Pass- 102nd
- Offensive Rank- 112th
- Run Offense- 89th
- Pass Offense- 99th
What
to take from all of this? Well, it’s bad when The Greek tries to
compare you to the state of Indiana just to make it interesting, and
then finding out that Indiana out performs you in almost every category.
Can someone call Mexico and see if they want the entire state back?
#7- Western Kentucky-
The mighty Hillfloppers…a once proud FCS program (which I constantly
get hate mail reminding me of their former prowess by their illiterate
fan base) that has become one of The Greek’s favorite targets. It’s just
too easy (much like the females that attend WKU). Think about this: the
women that do attend WKU do put out. They have been tested and approved
by their own families because if they are not good enough for their own
brothers, uncles, fathers, cousins, and grandfathers, how could they be
any good for a stranger’s family? Another thing that makes WKU an easy
target is their mascot. I have referred to them as the “Fighting Used
Feminine Hygiene Products” or, instead of the “Terrible Towels”, I call
them the “Killer Clot-filled Kotex”.
The 2010 Numbers:
- Defensive Rank- 68th
- vs the Run- 86th
- vs the Pass- 36th
Another case of why pass when you can run all day.
- Offensive Rank- 98th
- Run Offense- 33rd
- Pass Offense- 115th
Apparently,
word has been slow getting to Western Kentucky that the forward pass IS
a legal play. The Hillfloppers are 4-32 since 2008, but that could
change. I hear that Nike and Tampax are coming up with some new uniforms
for them.
#8- UNLV-
The Running Retards could be the NST 10 Darkhorse this year. The
schedule is brutal, and UNLV was pretty bad last year. After back to
back 5-7 seasons, UNLV posted a 2-11 record in 2010. The Running Retards
were blown out in all of their losses (the closest being a 15 point
loss to Air Force). Their lone wins were against New Mexico and
Wyoming…both games at home. UNLV travels to play those two again this
season, and the rest of the schedule is uglier than Amy Winehouse’s last
pap smear.
The 2010 Numbers:
- Defensive Rank- 109th
- vs the Run- 116th
- vs the Pass- 77th
- Offensive Rank- 118th
- Run Offense- 109th
- Pass Offense- 98th
I
am telling you, The Greek has a gut feeling that these guys are going
to run the table…or it could be that I just have to take a dump. Either
way, UNLV will make the NST 10 their home for the 2011 season…and maybe
even beyond.
#9- Eastern Michigan-
We could not have a Not So Top 10 without an appearance by the
Ypsilanti Correctional Community College Pigeons. Unfortunately it
saddens The Greek that Ron English and his Pigeons may not be horrible
enough to contend for the Tyrone Willingham Trophy in 2011. They showed
too much improvement…plus…I think Ron and the boys laid down in the 71-3
blasting by Northern Illinois to end the 2010 campaign just to throw
the Ol Greek off their scent. (I could work another Amy Winehouse slam
in there…but try to come up with one of your own)
The 2010 Numbers:
- Defensive Rank- 113th
- vs the Run- 118th
- vs the Pass- 66th
- Offensive Rank- 91st
- Run Offense- 37th
- Pass Offense- 104th
The
schedule is not at all bad for these guys. Being able to pass and being
able to stop the run would go a long way for the season ticket holders
(all 12 of them). The Pigeons are just a QB, defense, and head coach
away from being a contender for fifth place in the MAC West. This just
in: The Ypsilanti Chamber of Commerce has offered to pay for a statue of
Ron English should the Pigeons win the MAC West this year. It will be
made from used needles, aborted fetuses, and rusted out cars…all of
which litter the streets and alleys of Ypsilanti like losses on Ron
English’s resume.
#10- Vanderbilt-
I have already bagged on Coach Fanklin in the introduction, and in all
actuality, the Commodes may not be in the NST 10 very long in 2011. So, I
made it easy on myself and gave them the coveted Mojo spot at #10. As
much as I hate to admit it, the Commodes do have some talent on their
roster and, which is the biggest shock of all, look to have a record
recruiting class coming in…at least by Vanderbilt’s standards.
Nonetheless, there’s a reason why the Commodes are here:
The 2010 Numbers:
- Defensive Rank- 93rd
- vs the Run- 100th
- vs the Pass- 75th
- Offensive Rank- 110th
- Run Offense- 80th
- Pass Offense- 105th
The
potential to win 4 games is there for the Commodes. The first three
games are at home against Elon (FCS), UConn (with a new coach), and Ole
Miss (Ole Miss). They also host Army in the middle of the season and
wrap up the 2011 campaign on the road at Wake Forest. Should they win 4
games or more, Coach Franklin will feel much like Amy Winehouse’s
gynecologist when he got word of her death…relieved.
Now,
I know what you folks are saying…”Geez Greek, what about Washington
State?” Well, as much as it pains me to say, the Cougars look like they
will be a bit better than shitty this year. Heck…they could be looking
at 4 or 5 wins themselves. Looks like Paul Wulff may survive 2011 and
still have a job.
Bowling
Green had just 2 wins last year as well, but they were close contests,
and BGSU should be able to stay out of the NST 10. North Texas got rid
of Todd Dodge (finally), so they have some hope. Rice could find
themselves in the NST 10 by week 3 or so. I don’t think we’ll see Texas
back here any time soon. But if you are wanting some big name teams that
could wind up in the infamous NST 10, The Greek will oblige:
Florida- The Gators are fragile, and Brantley is their bull in the china shop.
UCLA- Could New-Weasel possibly make them suck any worse?
Georgia Tech- Probation isn’t the only thing hurting them right now…the out dated triple option is the key factor.
Tennessee- Tyler Bray goes down…the Vols could be NST 10 title contenders.
BYU-
The Church is considering banning water on the sidelines because it may
contain pharmaceuticals that have leached into the aquifer. Banning
water is not a good idea…just ask UCF.
Ohio
State- This team is teetering on the edge. Never thought 5 tattoos and a
lying coach could bring a program down quicker than Michael Jackson’s
pants at a sleep over.
Well,
that ought to hold you for a while. The season is right around the
corner, and I am positive that more pseudo-stars will off themselves and
continue to keep us entertained and provide material for the Not So Top
10.
See you freaks in week 2.
Special Update
The
Greek absolutely loves it when people truly tell it like it is. I enjoy
when they dig deep into the dark recesses of their soul, go to that
dark place, and use it to voice their displeasure about being fucked
over.
Ladies
and Gentlemen, I give to you TBDPITL Voting Member and Resident Bad
Ass, the lovely Dr. Vespula and her vitriol towards Direct TV:
(Her thread is titled "If any of the management of Direct TV reads the threads here..")
...go get a pair of steak knives and ram them to the hilt through your
eyes into your skull, you lying thieving worthless scum sucking
bastards!
My son and I ordered a movie that started at 1:00 this morning and it
cut off at halfway through because they said our time was up. They
charged us full price and stopped the DVR at 9:45 tonight, 3 hours and
15 mins. before our 24 hour watching period was up. And they won't
refund the money because I didn't stay up until 1:00 AM to order the
movie at the time it aired.
This is a negative advertisement:
NEVER buy pay per view from the lying bastard thieves at Directv.
Rot in hell, you sewage sucking maggots!!
(This has been an unpaid anti-commercial announcement.)
Believe me folks, Dr. Vespula is the last person you want to make an enemy of.
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