Notre Dame Fighting Irish vs Purdue Boilermakers
If college football in the state of Indiana is going to be completely non-coma inducing, this might be a good place to start. I'll spare you the "preview of the preview" because that's just gay. It's like foreplay, and I'm not really into that. Just get on with it already.
When Notre Dame has the ball:
Who the hell knows what's gonna happen? It's like locking yourself in a women's prison shower with 14 strap-ons and a bottle of Bacardi Razz. I do know this...for the first time since 1978, Jimmy Clausen won't be starting. Dayne Crist will, and that either sounds like a Hollister wearing toolbag from California or something Newman from Seinfeld would eat. Crist isn't really predisposed to running Brian Kelly's psycho, all over the place, QB athletcism enhanced offense you'd think, but shit, at first glance Bea Arthur looks more athletic than Tony Pike, and he was all world for them. So whatever the case, expect Crist to look way, way, way better than he is. Armando Allen is also back, and it is assuredly nice to have a senior RB to throw the rock to anytime the play calls for "solid stuff, with no turnovers." Allen could statistically regress this year, but be on a better team. At wideout, things don't set up well for Purdue. They're breaking in an entirely new defensive backfield, and last year's wasn't what you'd call "good" to begin with. Mike Floyd...he of the non-galvanized nail eating, roid shooting David Boston mold should have a field day, as will (David) Duval Kamara and Shaq Evans. Only this Duval isn't tempted to take an entire bottle of Bayer every morning, hoping it kills the pain...and the breathing. Also, be mindful of huge white guy, TE Kyle Rudolph
, who would be a first round pick last year. But he loves Notre Dame. The front 7 from Purdue though is full of experience, and like banging a hooker...you don't see how invaluable the lesson is until you see it in person. Ryan Kerrigan coming off the end is the best DE in the Big 10, and you probably have no idea who he is. Because you don't read this site enough, or because you're closeminded, toothless, and harboring some sort of SEC college degree (equivelant of a GED in the Midwest). He's a stud. The problem will be however, Kelly's wide open offense, which puts incredible pressure on the entire field, which puts an emphasis on speed, which puts an emphasis on not having DBs who may as well have been in 8th grade last year. They figure to roll the pocket away from Kerrigan and pump balls downfield (what a GREAT porno movie name) to the point where you'll be looking for Kurt Warner's wife, bald, and circa 2000 there will be so much passing.
Advantage: Notre Dame (and again, I have no idea why)
When Purdue has the ball:
My, how things have changed in West Lafayette. Don't worry, the 19 girls on campus are all still "scare a dog off a meat truck" worthy and the place still smells like a snatch unwashed 1 week after female castration. But in terms of football, things hath changed. Out goes Joey Elliott...a surprisingly good fill in for a 5th year senior that last year I had to check and make sure wasn't a character on Full House. In comes Robert Marve, 
who could start at Miami. Florida. And I'm not just saying that. He did. And he beat out Jacory Harris to do it. And Jacory Harris is a Heisman candidate to some and a pimp to others, so you connect the dots. Marve won't be hamstrung by some of Randy Shannon's coaching, but he also won't be a beneficiary of Randy Shannon's overall team talent. His wideouts are good, and will cause ND problems aplenty. And they're both named Smith (Cortez, Keith). However, unlike that fucking stupid Brad Pitt movie with all the Smiths (who believes in that shit, 10 year olds?), they aren't slightly built white people who look like they have E-Bola on their lips (Angelina). Rather, they're tall, long, athletic, and capable of stealing your TV while you watch it without you noticing they're so fast. The running game's a particular issue, where they really have no replacement for Ralph Bolden, who jacked his ACL in the spring. It was a damning loss, as he was probably the 2nd best RB in the Big 10 behind erstwhile and 32 year old John Clay (Wisconsin). That of course, is pure opinion on Bolden. But since I'm always right, it can also be misconstrued as what they call "fact." So where does Purdue go? They burned a redshirt on Al-Terek McBurse, whom I heard if he fumbles too much, will be sent back to the Taliban. Mean, I know. The gameplan will probably be to throw the ball into ND's veteran coverage team and use the run to throw the Irish off. ND on defense is nondescript, as Charlie Weis recruited only one side of the ball (from the Rich Rodriguez school of choosing player positions). The majority of his 5 star players and big names in classes were offensive. So Purdue should have faith that they can move the damn ball at near will. Marve is the most dynamic QB they've had since Drew Brees.
Advantage: Purdue
Special Teams: It probably won't come down to that, despite the cliche that stupid network people say so they can sound smart when a 38 yard field goal wins a game.
Coaching:
Football generally is about 3 things: Coaching, QBs, and schedules. The two teams on the field, in terms of creativity and ability aren't as far apart as the names Notre Dame and Purdue would suggest. Where they are far apart is on the sidelines. Brian Kelly scares the shit out of me. When he was hired, I think I drank for 8 straight days. It was like Tom Brady hitting on your girlfriend while you were in the can pinching one off. I thought Cincy going unbeaten would force him to have a soul and put off going to ND, but alas, he's colder than the doctors' hands when you're in 6th grade getting your athletic physical. (Use some hand warmers for crissakes. So cold I'd prefer Edward Scissorhands checks me for a fucking hernia?) Kelly is one of the best coaches in college football, and it's always only been a matter of time before he wins a national title. His offenses are pristine. His teams' execution is brilliant. 
He's disciplined, scary, knowledgable, and un-nerving. He looks at you on the sidelines like he wants to eat your soul and then poop it out on your dinner plate. He uses the field stretch wise in the vein of names like Urban Meyer. He's calculated and onry like Nick Saban. He's firey as Joe Paterno. If anyone can outcoach the man, I'd like to see it. Danny Hope won't be the first. Since Joe Tiller left, Purdue has been piss yourself sober boring at times and they lack an identity. I think they like to run, but then they don't. I think they like to pass, but then that stops working. Bottom line is, Purdue is a niche school. They can't recruit with the likes of the big boys, and they used to have an offense fit for that. Now, Hope comes in playing chess with checkers pieces and you can Connect Four losses at least every year until he gets shown the door. There's a massive disparity here.
Advantage: Notre Dame
Winner:
Notre Dame 35 Purdue 31.
Watch-ability Rating: 5 roofies out of 5