It's a high school VH1 movie scene played out more than Taylor Swift songs about being 15 and in love with someone who sounds oddly like he's 35 in every tune. Or me making odd, uncomfortable sexual references.  I can hate on myself too, you see.  Girlfriend breaks up with you, you go out, first you see her with friends. Then you see her on a date. Then you see her with a ring bigger than Delaware on holding the hand of some chisiled Adonis who looks like he could poop you. Lucky for me, the last part would be impossible. But I've felt the first two. And as a Michigan fan, I feel it again. If it was a perfect world, the season would be over and I'd either be writing this about a new coach, fullfilled expectations, or steaming piles of crow eating.

It started really right after Rich Rodriguez got hired. The most distinguishable (is that even a frigging word?) player face of the program was Ryan Mallet, and he was soon gone. It was all downhill from there. Player defections. Losses. Record shattering ones. Then the climax. The Detroit Free Press found a few angry players rankled over having to lift too much or play too little and suddenly there was an NCAA investigation with a sexual entende of "major violations."

Then came more losing, verification of violations, self imposed first time ever punishment, more defections, sprinkle in some injuries, and suddenly the Michigan football fan is more excited about hitting 60 and being impotent than the prospects of having to suffer through this season.

But alas, I read on the wall in the bathroom today that "failure isn't a person, it's an event." Deep stuff, considering I was sitting at a porcelain god that smelled like an Alabama Hot Pocket. And so it goes that the only remedy comes in the form of a 330 tilt with UConn of all teams, 10 years ago thought to be nothing worth even sweating over for a Michigan fan. Truth be told, football may be the only saving grace for the program at this point. There is lingering suspicion that new AD David Brandon would like to go the route of most GMs, ADs, and team Owners...clean house and rebuild in his own vein. Then again, I'm not sold on Brandon quite yet. He came from Domino's, which has terrible pizza and immediately after his departure started running a campaign that basically said "we know our pies have sucked for an eternity, so we're giving free new crap away to people who hate it and trying to prove that we've changed."

If it's any saving grace, Rich Rodriguez can turn this around if he wants to. Winning cures all in America. People barely remember Ray Lewis was on trial for participating in a frigging murder now that he's won a Super Bowl and played like Batman into his mid-30s. As long as Mike Vick shows promise, he has a green light to murder a whole zoo if he wants to. That's the world we live in, and Rich hasn't killed dogs, people, or even Latin pride.

They've been playing it for 120 years, but it's possible that an actual football season has never been so important to Michigan in its history. Long considered the last domino to fall in the last 20 years that's seen every traditional power fall on hard times, it's time for the punishment to end. Kickoff can't come soon enough for the winningest program of them all. Once a luxury of football, fun, and love, the actual games have become a desperate diversion from everything going on off the field.

Since the season hasn't started yet, go grab a few 40s of King Cobra, sit in your rocking chair, and fall asleep to dreams of pounding your girl's new beau's face into a brick wall whilst she watches in horror as you disfigure him and a hint of horny when it's all over and she figures she was wrong about you. It probably won't happen, but it can. After all, some of the smartest things you read happen when you're trying to cleanse yourself of a bunch of shit you don't want...