This is long, and strong, and down to get the friction on...so ladies, fellas, so screw the foreplay, let's get it the F on...

Big 10 Preview

1. Ohio State:

 All my life, even when it's obvious, I've refused as a Michigan fan to put OSU #1 in any preseason prediction. I don't care if they're in the Sun Belt. #2 is their ceiling. But this year, as I am forced to pretend I know something about college football, I break my streak and for me, this is tough. It's like telling all your buddies that the guy your ex cheated on you with is "a better looking dude with more to offer." Of course, I've never had to say THAT, but this is close. Onto the football...

There's a quote that says "it's lonely at the top (or on top, when you realize the only way she'll sleep with you is Rophenol)." Well, ask OSU. It's not. It's lonely playing putt-putt golf by yourself on a Friday night. Not as #1. But you can't deny these Bucks. They have the most dynamic player in the league in QB Terrelle Pryor, coming of age in a Vince Young type way. The have the best coach, even if he looks like he harvests child porn in his basement. They also have LB Ross Homan and Brian Rolle, who hit like Brett Meyers after a few cold ones. The only possible area of susceptibility might be the secondary, but this is the Big 10, and it's 20 degrees in August. We don't throw the ball, bitch.

Expect: 11-1...with an obvious loss to Michigan, because I may have put them #1, but I'm not completely gay, like Sergio Garcia.

Key Game: Michigan. Hex or no hex, it still makes the true Buckeye fan's season.

2. Wisconsin:

Usually the Badgers are like free porn on the net. The video clip and quick synopsis...girl eats self out while playing NBA Jam TE...drag you in, but 3 minutes through you realize why it's free. When you expect much of Wisconsin, you get the exact opposite. So for the sake of a good hex, why not put them at #2? They return 10 on offense, which is important for a team with all the creativity of King of the Hill (oh look, a fuckin cartoon about hillbillies...THAT's unique!). John Clay is still around. Scott Tolzien is too, but no word on whether or not he's just a faster version of Sorgi, Samuel, other tall, game management-ish white QBs who are destined for jobs at UPS. The entire O-Line returns as well, and in Wisconsin, the O-Line drinks beers by the league (it's a measurement, for the stupid readers among us). Where they lack experience is in the D-Line, where only JJ Watt returns. But they do have some guy named Louis Nzegwu and if we know anything about defensive players in the Big 10, if you can't pronounce their names, they're probably tougher than a formerly battered housewife at the end of the bar drinking Steel Reserve out of a Stein (Chimdi Chekwa, Chike Okeafor, etc).

Expect: 10-2

Key Game: Ohio State. This game being @ home could decide the Big 10 after a kush opening schedule should leave them 6-0. Wisky shines when they're underexposed (see: 2006).

3. Penn State:

The Nits confuse me more than any other team on this list. Like a horror movie, where the killer spends about 1.5 seconds stabbing the shit out of 15 victims in 90 minutes, then takes an excruciating 20 minutes to kill the last person, leading to some embarassing "oh shit, HE'S still alive?" rescue or a way for the "last person" to escape. Teams like Wisconsin or Ohio State, they're like Rob Zombie Halloween 2 sex in the van scene. Guy takes girl in van, girl asks to get pissed all over. It's greatness. Then you've got most horror movie high school van sex scenes. Weak, no chest exposing screw scenes where someone weakly gets their throat slit before they ejaculate. PSU has a lot of talent on offense, like Graham Zug, which sounds like one hell of a Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream (seriously, make chocolate ice cream with frigging graham cracker bits in it...I BEG you). But from what "friends/sources" tell me, Kevin Newsome can't throw a football into Elton John's asshole from 5 yards out he's so inaccurate. Plus, PSU's staple, defense is breaking in more starters than it returns. On top of that, they have a starting saftey/rover with the last name of "Suckay" (Nick) which is how this season could end up. But in the heat of passion, always remember, a little Suckay, Suckay can be a good thing. Newsome should be replaced by midseason, but I'll take a flier on the Nits being better than poop flavoured cake.

Expect: 9-3

Key Game: @ Iowa. Tilt game will decide who I'm right on and who I couldn't pee on from 2 inches away. Obviously I'm picking PSU.

4. Michigan:

My hands are shaking as I type this, think Keith Urban coming down from another coke binge in a basement full of chained up 11 year old girls at Eric Franklin Rosser's place (massive ups if you get that reference). Because this is a make or break year for my Wolves. If they win a bunch, coach still probably gets fired. If they lose a bunch (again) the program might be at a point of no return. Most of the recent downfalls from grace (Miami, Nebraska, Bama, ND, pretty much everyone worth a damn historically) have not had more than 2 years like this consecutively. So Michigan needs a bowl game. If the spring game is any indication, Denard Robinson is the key. He's more explosive than any single player in the conference, but lacks the tools to automatically claim him as a great football player. These are all Rich's kids now, so rumours of locker-room dissent due to Carr's crew can't be used as an excuse. The team was good for 6 games last year, then forgot how to play. Aside from OSU and PSU, the road games are win-able. The OOC schedule should produce 3-1 at an underachieving least. Wisely, Iowa is the homecoming opponent. Aside from Ohio State, no team has more actual talent. Tom Gordon and Cameron Gordon (no relation to each other, Eric, Jeff or the Fisherman...but totally cooler than all 3, if only barely in regards to the Fisherman) will be huge keys, as they take over positions that were inept the previous (when were Cato June and Sam Sword around) that many years. The feeling here is that with a generally nice schedule, plus year three in this disaster of a coaching change, there will be positive results. Rich knows his legacy is tied to this year, whether he gets fired or not. Michigan has supported him when they haven't wanted to. Normally when pinned against a wall, you either kick someone in the balls or cry "rape." Here's hoping my Wolves are wearing golf shoes...Go Blue...

Expect: 8-4

Key Game: @ Ohio State. As long as they get 6-7 wins prior, this game will decide whether or not the staff gets a one year reprieve, or Les Miles says "Damn, I wish Mizzou had beaten OU in 2007" as he drives his Toyota Camry back "home."

5. Michigan State:

If I wear a shirt to the Michigan-MSU game that says "Fuck Your Cousins" would that send the wrong message? Or would ESPN offer me a long term deal because that's obviously an SEC reference? I'm speaking for (Captain) Kirk Cousins, the QB of your Michigan Satan Spartans. At first glance this year, I overheard an MSU student say when the schedule was released of FAU being on it "How can it be Florida Atlantic if that's the capital of Georgia?" They have one of the easiest schedules in the conference, missing Ohio State and playing 8 home games. Truth be told, the "easy way out" is often the best way in college football. Jerel Worthy (DL) and Chris Rucker (CB) are men among boys, which is kinda pedophiliac, but nonetheless an accurate depiction. And their best LB (Eric Gordon) seems committed to spending less time playing for the Clippers and more time working out with Sparty. Unfortunately for people like me, 2 things rule the day in college football...QB play and Schedule strength. And MSU has both on their side. So rest easy, MSU students, and go back to reading your 400 level required literature..."The Babysitter Club."

Expect: 9-3

Key Game: Notre Dame...of late, they own the Irish like Frederick Douglass' owners before the whole "I think I'll learn to read and run" ordeal. If they clip newfoundly (fake word alert) optimistic ND, things could spiral in a good way. If they lose, well, the season could resemble "afterbirth."

6. Iowa:

To whom much is given, much is expected. That's a quote I read on a shithouse wall one time passing through Georgia. Deep thinkers at Road America, lemme tell ya. So Iowa will be given healthy preseason rankings that bely a team capable of winning 10-11 games. But they won't, because that's how Iowa rolls. Kirk Ferentz has it down like a Delta Zeta on jello shots and spanish fly. Win big just enough to merit a raise, but not enough for people to expect it on a yearly basis to the point where they still consider you an NFL candidate when you go 6-6. I wish I had that kinda job security. For whatever reason, Iowa's team always reminds me of a non-funny version of Animal House. A slew full of white guys with questionable haircuts (not unlike myself) that for some reason make me think they have Red Dog in the Gatorade jugs. Ricky Stanzi is your guy, if you're gonna look for a star here. The defense returns 8 guys, and Adrian Clayborn is really frigging good on the DL. Like most teams that come off of a BCS season, there aren't many glaring weaknesses, which inevitably means underachievement. Hey, I'm not being negative, just realistic. Like when I told girls asking to "hang out because they're bored"..."well, I'm probably gonna get you drunk, even if you don't want to drink, with the intention of not having to try to take advantage of you." It worked. Often. Silly girls.

Expect: 8-4

Key Game: @ Arizona. Depending on the outcome, Iowa will look right on track to prove what I'm saying to be bullshit, or right on track to lose to a bunch of teams Stephen Hawking could play for.

7. Northwestern:

NU football is at an all time high. During the offseason, I got solid info that Notre Dame had said in so many words "leave your smart kids to coach ours" and Coach Fitz said "no thanks, I prefer coaching smart kids who can actually win, and Tom Hammond makes me wish I was deafer (fake word alert) than anyone who buys Kanye West's music." The Cats are no longer assured of 8 loss seasons. A "down year" in Evanston is 6-6. Not bad, considering that a "down year" in the past was considered to be "football season." Then Gary Barnett came along, football players looked around and couldn't find girls cute enough to even try to rape, and by proxy they won games. With Pat as an LB. The Cats have a rough go of it though. A lot of swing games on the road, a new QB, and a lot of youth at positions that might spell a new QB from too much pressure. Dan Persa (I think I diagnosed someone with Persa during my clinicals 2 months ago...or was that MRSA...hold on, lemme check this skin rash...) will need to be on his game. Northwestern will again need to get by with undersized kids who can beat everyone @ chess but not so much football, and recent history suggests they will. If you're looking for a guy to say "holy shit, I read about that guy in one of Teddy's articles...I think I'll tell my friends so I can look smart!" check out CB Jordan Mabin. If you're not, then screw off, wanker.

Expect: 8-4

Key Game: @ Vanderbilt, for the right to say "our girls might be uglier but we can read gooder AND play foostball better."

8. Purdue:

If Danny Hope, the Unabomber, Hitler, and Jeffery Dahmer were on a plane going down and I could only save one of them because I'm Batman and hafta carry them off as I fly...and have a slipped disk in my back so I can only save one instead of the normal 4 AND whatever beer is still on the plane...I'd save all three before Hope. He's a very spine devoid dude sometimes. Unfortunately for my personal spite, he managed to grab himself a decent squad thanks to Randy Shannon's running off players. Jacory Harris is a Heisman candidate, and Purdue's Robert Marve beat him out for the job. He's surrounded by less talent, by far now, but at the skill catching positions he has all returning senior starters. There are 5 painfully easy wins and about 10,000 flat chested, acne sodomized girls on Purdue's campus this fall, so with an upset or two, they could go bowling. That makes me vomit to think. But as for Hope? It still Floats (shameless Sandra Bullock reference)...preferrably face down in Lake Erie.

Expect: 7-5

Key Game: @ Illinois...Purdump likely needs 1 road win to go bowling, and this seems the most likely candidate, for what Hope lacks in cordiality, Illinois staff lacks in coaching acumen.

9. Illinois:

Year "Last" of the Ron Zook era is upon us. The last time the Illini looked this helpless going into the fall, the English were wiping them out with frigging TB. For all the hotshot recruits Zook has brought in, they all watched some guy named Nathan Sheelhaase steal the starting QB job, which tells you an awful lot about that coaching staff thus far. Their best QB probably is playing WR, which is odd, since their 2nd best player (Jarred Fayson) also plays said position. Hopefully they're taking snaps, because I don't see how else they'll be touching the ball (insert masturbation in the shower with waterproof Fathead of Miley Cyrus affixed to the tub surround). Zook countered his near firing last year by hiring a Petrino on staff, which means by the end of their game against Southern Illinois, he should be with Texas Tech or something. If there's room for optimism, it'd be on defense, where if Martez Wilson learns to consistently wrap up, he's a top 15 NFL pick. The LBs and Terry Hawthorne (CB) are the strength of this defense, but another rough OOC slate coupled with the usual suspects in the Big 10 making them look like Rhianna after another Chris Brown "Stomp the Yard" coke binge and it projects as another long season and new coach in the town named after booze gay dudes get ripped on together while watching American Idol.

Expect: 5-7

Key Game: Mizzou...should set the tone for the season like usual, so expect one week of "holy shit, who knew Gary Pinkel could coach!?"

10. Minnesota:

Lemme tell ya a little Minnesota story. Sophomore year of college, we're at this basement party at this house owned by a cop off campus (surefire way to NOT get arrested). Drinking Dark Eyes and Sunny D (before they had RED Sunny D, which is like drinking a menstrual cycle). And this girl that in no way, shape, or form is ever hot without booze comes up to me and says "come behind the shed." Where she and her buck teeth proceed to orally fellate me. I saw her in the light about 2 hours afterwards, and wanted to cut off my pecker. At any rate, we all called her "Minnesota" because of her poor dental work (despite the bangin body), as she emulated a gopher. Let me tell you a story about Minnesota football, 2010: they lose a bunch, embarassingly in some cases, and the coaching staff gets to update their resumes on the way to warmer climates. All the swing games (ie: games against teams that could finish in the same general area) are on the road. One tip where you know things might not be in a good direction? They have two defensive starters with female names (Kim Royston, Christyn Lewis) and one who abbreviates his name "DL" just so he apparently knows where to line up before the snap (he's a D-lineman). They return 9 on offense and 2 on defense, so if they win, it might be 50-49-ish.

Expect: 6-6

Key Game: Southern Cal...for whatever reason, USC is on the schedule, and since they're depleted and declawed, this would be a good time for Minnesota to shock the world (if not the Coaches Poll).

11. Indiana:

IU football at this point is basically like a yeast infection. Stinky, sloppy, and not even an acquired taste. The Hoosiers, still coached by a man that at one point lost 31 straight football games, have 4 embarassingly win-able OOC games, where their toughest opponent is Akron. Maybe LeBron will do backup vocals while Dwayne Wade sings the national anthem. So that should clinch at least last year's 4 wins. After that, look for some 0-fers. The team's best QB is a strong saftey (Mitchell Evans), their best defender is probably still in high school, and the strong positions (RB Darius Willis, WR Tandon Doss and Demarlo Belcher) need someone else to give them the ball. Not a good makeup for a team 12 games away from looking for a new coach. You can get a silo full of Monistat. It won't matter in Bloomington.

Expect: 4-8

Key Game: @ Purdue...likely their best chance to get a road win since 1914.

PS: Sorry Coach Pinkel, ya know I love ya.  They're just jokes.  Mizzou-rah?

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