2010 WAC Preview: WAC Me Off

As with all good website college football previews, we start off with the teams no one cares about. Because to go from "Big 12 Preview" to "Sun Belt Preview" would be a lot like going from size 0, 36C to "I found this bedsheet, cleaned the ho-ho crumbs off of it, and look...it's not even that tight!" I start with the WAC, because I don't need an octopus oracle or Steven A. Smith to tell me how it's gonna shake down. What I do need an octopus oracle for but NOT Stephen A. Smith is for lude acts, because I only have 2 hands and just hypothesize that if I had 8...WITH suction cup hands, mind you...things might be better in the realm of kinky endeavors. Go ahead, think about it...

1. Boise State: Mikey Finn on a college freshman is less of a lock than the Broncs. Next year, it gets tougher, so fittingly, with the best team they've possibly ever had they get a final year in the WAC before they start going to parties with actual alcohol (MWC). This team is loaded. They lost Kyle Wilson to the Jets, who now have a team of 45 DBs...and that's about it. Kellen Moore is back. Along with 19 other returning starters. And when Boise wins a BCS game, don't worry about Kellen proposing to anyone on the sidelines. He's got so many bitches, they take a number and wait, like it's the BMV, mutha....

Expect: 12-0

Key Game: Virginia Tech (@ Landover, MD)...time to find out if BSU is jerking off on some girl's chest while she's passed out on a couch and telling their buddies it was "wild sex" or if they're really "I gotta tell my friends how good this girl was...but omit the part where she peed on me during reverse cowgirl...and I told her to keep it up..."

2. Nevada: On the upside, Colin Kaepernick is back for his 15th year of college. Likely with the premise from preview pubs that he's "the best QB you've never heard of" again, for 15 years. On the other upside, they return dudes like RB Vai Taua and WR Chris Wellington and a host of skill position players also back for their 15th years. If this was To Catch a Predator, I'd be dragged across concrete by small peckered cops trying to over-dramatize how hard it is to cuff a mid 40s pedophile. On the one downside, as I always say, these dudes might return, but they lost 5 games last year and beat all of no one. Sure, they'll improve, but the line between 3 losses and 5 is meaningless in the WAC.

Expect: 9-3

Key Game: Boise State...so we can pretend they have a chance to get Thursday night ratings up, right?

3. Idaho: I know I mention the abuse of alcohol (I just had to type that 3 times by the way) on the site a lot. And you probably doubt whether or not I really used to brush my teeth with vodka in college. Putting Idaho as third place in anything but "coolest places to scream White Power randomly" proves that I'm on my third liver and would snort asphalt patch if it had beer in it. But the 'Ho might be decent, led by Nathan Enderle and the momentum of a squad that made it's way on national TV twice last year. They might play in a stadium the size of Jessica Simpson's vagina, but still, it's building. The murderous schedule could do them in, because whether they win 8 games or not the prior season, they're still on speed dial for "teams to bitch slap so we make sure we can get to a bowl game." That's YOU, Kansas.

Expect: 8-4

Game to Watch: @ Coloado State...it's feasible that if they "upset" CSU, they can go into the WAC season with a winning record, amazing for a team normally on Jason Kidd (and every college football team's list of..) "people to beat around if Joumana finds out how to look up "attorney" in the phone book."

4. Fresno State: Unlike most WAC teams, their spirit won't be broken in the OOC, which bodes well for their "fat girl trying out for the cheerleading squad" morale. Like seemingly every single stinking team in the WAC, they return a starting QB, theirs being Ryan Colburn. And I'm sure Pat HIll is still rocking the whole "anyone, anywhere, anytime." I knew a girl named Audry who lived by the same mantra. Including at 4 am when her parents were getting up for work and even though she was 22, they felt the need to come in the bedroom to say goodbye, not suspecting their little girl might be to full to...nevermind...Fresno doesn't return what some of these other teams do, nor do they have great momentum, which likely, rudely, means another season of mediocrity and a bowl game 16 people watch.

Expect: 7-5

Game to Watch: @ Mississippi..."Play anyone, anywhere, anytime" has now been refurbished to "make sure our best OOC game is against some mediocre SEC team so at least if there's an IQ test afterwards, we have a chance."

5. Hawai'i: Part of me wonders why Hawai'i doesn't do what Isiah Thomas used to do with the Knicks...get a few loose women, then bring guys in and say "hey, dumbfuck, why WOULDN'T you wanna be here?" Then again, all it got Zeke was a lawsuit, a firing, and a decade of the Knicks blowing like a crackwhore one last suck away from her first good high since jail and rehab. So logic doesn't always prevail, right? The Warriors have some gaping holes in the offensive line to patch up, with 4 new starters. But they have a returning QB (surprise) in Bryant Moniz and and a defensive backfield with 4 senior starters. Plus the non conference is SEC easy, what with them somehow poaching Charleston Southern from (insert SEC team name here). These aren't your fun and gun Warriors anymore, but a quick trip to the rape ward @ jail (yes, a shot @ Colt Brennan) and they will be, one day.

Expect: 6-6

Game to Watch: @ Colorado...the only game the Hawaiian female fans don't hafta worry about groping and heckling from opposing co-eds, since everyone that goes to Colorado is gay.

6. Louisiana Tech: Wow, it's odd and nice to write about "LT" and not be talking about raping a 16 year old hooker. There was a big sigh of "eh, who cares" when Derek Dooley left LT for Tennessee. In comes Sonny Dykes, who clearly showed he was more than capable for the job his last game with his team scoring all of 0 points against Nebraska in a bowl game with him as the OC. I should check my voicemail. If he got a call, that means I must've too, as well as my neighbor...whom I think might be dead. On to football. There's really not a ton here to like. WR Phillip Livas is "the best player on LT that...eh, shit, you haven't heard of any of them." The team brings back all of 1 defensive lineman, which means you can run all over them like grape juice on a wife beater. All in all, it looks like a team with enough easy wins/home games against similarly mediocre teams to snake out something better than the 4-8 record last year that got Derek Dooley A PROMOTION. Doesn't take much, does it?

Expect: 5-7

Game to watch: @ Texas A&M...if they win this epic tilt and as expected, knock off NMSU AND Utah State...they will be the first team in college football history to beat 3 Aggies in one year.

7. Utah State: Getting to the nitty gritty now. I doubt seriously anyone reading this made past Fresno State. If so, shoot me an email so I can make a list of more constructive things you could be doing, like digging a hole and listening to "Television on Audio: The entire Charles in Charge Series". USU (crissakes, TELL me that doesn't sound like an STD...well, Amy came over last night and we did anal...and this morning I woke up with my junk burning and the doc said I have USU.) The team returns much of their front 7, plus a QB who was one of only 5 guys to lead his team in rushing and passing last year (which you can take to mean either Diondre Borel is reaaaaaal good, or the rest of the team is reaaaaal suck). They return a good mix though of 16 starters. No gaping holes of inexperience anywhere in the offense. Plus, their annual "Battle of the Aggies" with NMSU is at home, which bodes well for anyone with money on "who's the worst Aggies in college football" type bets.

Expect: 4-8 (again)

Game to Watch: None of them, unless you have only one channel in prison, and Utah State football is all that's on it and the other option is the shower room with Big Tex and Jose, the 6'8 latino with a tattoo on his back that says "fisting is fun."

8. New Mexico State: Someone a few days ago I overheard talking about Jonathan Taylor Thomas, the kid from Home Improvement that ended up being queer because he figured it was the only way anyone would pay attention to him ever again. And I thought, "New Mexico State football" or specifically "people who aren't good at anything." My mind works in obviously demented ways. I can't find much to write about them, to be honest. Marcus Allen should lead their offense, only not the one that owns the shit out of the kid across the street in Tecmo Bowl when I was like, 8 years old. The one who plays WR at NMSU. HOWEVER, I found something I love about them...THIS line from their fight song...

"And when we win the game

we'll buy a keg of booze

And we'll drink it to the Aggies 'til we wobble in our shoes."

Fuck it, if re-incarcation exists, I know where I'm doing my undergrad work.

Expect: 3-9

Game to Watch: @ UTEP...played for a shovel, indicative of the hole you'll need to dig yourself out to not be winless if you lose this game

9. San Jose State: In the throes of trying to find SOMETHING interesting to say about SJSU, I came across their nickname history. At one point right before becomming the "Spartans"...representative of the HUGE fucking Greek population in San Jose, right...they were called "the Normals" and then, not to be considered too bland, the "Normalites." Nothing places fear in the minds of others like "hey we're named after people who aren't special at all!" They were also called the "pedagouges", which I'm pretty sure can land you your own FREE profile on the United States Sex Offender Registry list. If you're craving football talk, the team itself doesn't project to be very good, and with a new coach in the fold (Mike MacIntyre) they've got the dreaded "I can't get fired even if I go winless unless I fondle a co-ed....from a middle school." Which, judging by the name history, would be considered what..."normal?"

Expect: 2-10...yay for Southern Utah and UC Davis!!!!!!

Game to Watch: @ Alabama, just to see if the Tide can win a game by running the same play 78 straight times.

And as always, thanks for WACing off with me...enjoy 2010.