LeDouche

Editor's disclaimer: I apologize up front if this is long winded, hateful, and overwhelmingly negative. If you jammed the tampon in too far and it hurts, I suggest not reading further.

"This is about Lebron and what's gonna make him happy..."

-LeBron James, shortly after being asked how people in Cleveland should feel

As the faithful readership knows, I was born in Michigan. This by law requires me to never, ever say good things about anything in Ohio other than the sign that says "now leaving...". But some events in sports-life are so disenchanting, the ties that force hatred are un-knotted for just a moment. Tonight is one of those nights, where a petulant, self absorbed (expect to see that word a LOT), dishonest man sinned the most unforgivable sin. Crapping on his home. Moments like this make me wish your dad was sterile, or at least had 50 cents for a frigging condom.

I sat down tonight to watch a spectacle unlike any I've seen in sports in my lifetime. The sordid story of Lebron James was culminating in the most unbelivable act of arrogance I'd personally ever seen. Want to know why people don't respect America? How about the comment that resident president Barack Obama called a basketball player SEVEN TIMES petitioning him to come to his hometown Chicago Bulls. Good thing there wasn't a war or an oil spill to worry about so he could get that out of the way.

Then, after 15 pre-arraged questions written by...you guessed it...Lebron himself...he finally did what most thought wasn't possible for anyone with a soul...pulled down his trousers and took a Vermont-sized dump on his home state. And it would only get worse from there, somehow. Like if Delmonte West banged my mom and released a sex tape. Tell me, Lebron, does your future little brother look like he got kicked in the lip with a golf shoe too?

I rarely say this about people I don't know, because I don't think it's fair to do so. I call Peyton Manning an infidel piece of crap because he is. I don't know Lebron James. I never will. I never want to. But tonight, he painted himself as the most pathetic of human beings. Not basketball players. Or athletes. But human beings. For 7 years now, the sports world has been ball gagged comments from James about "loyalty" or "committment." He holds awards ceremonies at his old high school. He makes claims about putting Akron on the map. For all his 7 years of rhetoric and crowd pleasing, James was exposed tonight for who he really is. Arrogant human waste.

The first question that comes to my mind is something James and his nut hangers...er...posse...probably wouldn't allow to be asked. "If you're going to crap on your hometown, why not just have your agent put out a press release (you know, like EVERY other athlete) saying where you've decided to play instead of going on national TV with an overhyped special just to tear their hearts out?" What would be his answer then? Might James be forced to own up to what a joke of a human being he is?

Look, I hate Ohio. Like, if I was Jesus, I'd treat Ohio like Sodom and Gamora. But even they didn't deserve this. James said it all as the interview dragged on like Matthew Shepherd. When asked about virtually anything, he spoke in the third person. When asked how people back "home" would feel, he talked about how "it's about what makes Lebron happy." Of course. That's all our existence really is about. What makes Lebron happy. If only we all had such an inflated view of ourselves. If only we all walked around thinking "well, if it makes ME happy, that's all that matters." I can't wait to coach basketball this fall and beat that axiom into the kids' heads. Life isn't about doing the right thing, purely think about what makes YOU happy, and understand that's always the right decision.

Make no mistake, Lebron James' legacy is irreversibly destroyed. For a man who speaks so much about the history of the league and loyalty, he knows nothing of either. He has offically rescinded any ability to be in the same conversation as MJ, Bird, Magic, or even Kobe. Hell, Paul Pierce didn't even tuck pecker and run when the Celts were as miserable as sex with a bandsaw and Meredith Viera. Lebron? Not him. He had to run to Dwayne Wade to cement whatever legacy he supposes he can have. Wade won a ring without him. It's his team. His town. His legacy. Lebron is a nut gazer that didn't have the sack to get it done on his own, and in the wake of his realizing such things, figured he'd dump on a region that supported him in an unwavering fashion since he was a scrawny high school kid that no one had heard of.

When Jordan was drafted, the Bulls were bad. When Kobe was plucked from Charlotte as a mid-round pick, the Lakers' best player was (laugh with me now) Nick Van Exel. When Bird was taken from ISU, the Celts were has beens. Greatness is defined by doing the impossible, not finding 8 of your best friends to beat one guy's ass in a dark ally. Which is what Lebron is doing. Chris Bosh, I can see. He's barely a top 20 NBA player. He needn't fret over NBA legacy or public image. Horace Grant will be remembered as a better player than Bosh. But Bosh never spoke about loyalty. About what he means to his hometown.

Lebron (me pretending he reads this now), what you did to Cleveland was garbage. You mocked the game of basketball, you mocked your own personal character, and you took a big surly dump on everyone who believed you were different. In the end, you're just another in a long line of self-obsessed celebrities who have a god complex for no reason. You're a glorified version of John Salley. What you did wasn't as unacceptable as how you did it. You're no one to be looked up to, and as aforementioned, when I coach kids this fall, I'll make sure they know it. That if you're going to look up to someone as a player or a person, look up to someone with integrity. With the ability to NOT be a quitter, like you. You're a joke. I didn't need to be a Cavs fan to be a fan of you. And I surely don't need to be one to despise you. Congrats, in one fell swoop, you've become everything that's wrong with sports. And in one fanatical week, you've displayed everything that's wrong with America. Good riddance, you abortion clinic dumpster fire of a basketball player. Oh, and by the way...Lakers in 6.