Dear Mel Kiper,

Over the course of history, there have been several people who completely suck at their jobs. Steven Segal comes to mind (really, a network picks up a show of him arresting cigarette smoking 15 year olds in Jefferson City?). So does Richard Nixon. Or David Koresh. But in the history of mankind, no one is so overrated or terrible at the trade craft they ply as you. When Welch's came out with that jelly plus peanut butter in a jar, people thought "oh, this will be great. No getting the knife gloppy with peanut butter and then ruining the remaining jelly in the jar by dipping it in!" But it was all smoke and mirrors. The stuff was terrible. It came out separate half the time, it was poorly made, and the taste was a little like what your upper lip might taste like after some one on one with Jamie Grubbs' taint. You are that bad lunch concoction. And every minute this weekend of watching you suffer through it being obvious made me smile.

Mel, I don't care for you. A lot of others don't either. You have no collegiate athletic experience, yet you've made millions analyzing something you've never been part of. I'd even accept it if you were a college crew member. At least you'd have some insight. But all you did in college is hang outside of the athletes' dorm rooms and listen to them plow all the hot girls in your class. That's probably when you looked at your shriveled up rod, like a California Raisin suffering from a skin disease and said "I want to make a living tearing down people who have lives I want, thus making me feel better about being...well, look at me."

The one thing you do deserve credit for is having the foresight to pile on the NFL train, for if it was a stock, you had insider information. Everything NFL is big. Pretty soon, we'll have shows on NFL network comparing the lengths of each positional player's poop to see who is the longest (smart money's on the Center, with all that goes on up there and what not with the hands and...). Aside from that, on a yearly basis, your complete, near retardation lack of football knowledge gets put on display for all to see.

One of the highlights this year was Jimmy Clausen. I've spoken highly of Clausen at times, but at no point would I have put him in a top 5 overall talent list. Even if I was locked in the emu cage at the petting zoo and they were all looking at me scornfully, waiting for me to talk myself out of a jam. Then, GM after GM passed him up, all the way to 48th. This after you helped perpetuate the lie that Cleveland and Buffalo were camel jockeying to move up to pick #33 for a QB. That clearly was more of a lie than when Mindy from Landshark's Bar in Broad Ripple told me she'd never call me again after we had intercourse. She called 5 hours after I dropped her off. On her lunch break. As a teacher. She had big ears. It wasn't happening again.

Then of course, there is the Tim Tebow flap. You seemed to take it as some personal agenda to run Tebow down, as if the very well being of your family was attached to his throwing motion. As if you're blind, deaf, and dumb wife had promised you sex if he wasn't drafted in the first round. As if Mila Kunis said she'd join in. And when Tebow's name was called, you looked like a guy who comes home with a bottle of wine for his wife as a suprise, only to find her ankles above her head while the neighbor is Pasloading that pork sword into her nether regions saying "I love when he goes on these business trips..." It was bad. So you continued to cut the guy down. Look, we get it. You are the one dude in the world who knows about throwing motion, despite never having been a QB at any level. It's as bad as me giving seminars on how to give birth to triplets.

I don't even know how you fell ass backward into that job. ESPN normally litters their analyst airwaves with retread athletes who can barely speak English, then put them next to some pencil dick from Northwestern who makes it painfully clear that his life's goal was to talk about stuff with authority that he couldn't actually do with even mediocrity. I don't like your baseless bashing of college athletes. I don't like when a guy with no reason to believe him gets paid millions to cut down people who do something he could never, ever do. And it doesn't end there.

I'm tired of hearing about your frigging hair. Approximately 5 million people in America buy half gallons of LA Looks and slick their hair back. Yet everytime someone does, it becomes part of their persona, as if it's either rare or so clever, only aliens could have thought of it. There's nothing impressive about taking gel and combing your hair back. Half the credit you get is for a decision you probably made 20 years ago watching The Outsiders.

I speak for millions of people when I beg you to go away. You've made enough money. You're rich beyond your years, and certainly beyond your knowledge. You're another in an endless line of drones at that network that knows nothing about which he speaks. The thought of you having coitis with Linda Cohn everytime you're on the tube flirting with her is enough to make me capable of puking up even Skittles, which are amazing. Your gel'd hair, self serving agenda, and laughable lack of football acumen has run its course. NFL GM's don't think you're worth a damn, and neither do we. Like K-Swiss, you're out of style. You're Ice Cube doing family sitcoms on TBS. So please, throw some more gel on that empty head and let it sink in. Just don't dip your elbow too much, you horse's ass.

Sincerely,

Everyone