By Bart D.
Co-Founder

Follow the author on Twitter @Bart_cfn or the site @bestdamnpoll

I should start this out with a disclaimer. I don’t care for Lebron James. In fact, I probably dislike him more than any other non-law-breaking individual I’ve never met. So if you love the guy and read this (which means you’re either related to him, or he’s given you money) don’t expect to feel warm and fuzzy. As much as you can gather about a person without actually hanging out with them, I find him to be boorish, self-centered, detached, arrogant, ignorant, hypocritical, dishonest, and child-like for his age.

I remember being out with a large group that included a few female friends at a bar where LBJ was on one of his road stops. She was rather fetching, so it made sense that he was hitting on her. Problem for him was, she couldn’t name a single athlete if you held a paintball gun to her head and demanded it. So after 5 minutes of sorry small talk that got him nowhere, James was peeved. His pickup line was the ole “do you know who I am?” which is always a timeless favorite. If you have to ask someone that question, safe to say they have no idea who you are. My friend didn’t know, care, or care to know. Finally, realizing he was getting nowhere, James, peeved (and 20 at the time, no less, in a bar) slammed down a handful of 20s in front of her and said “you missed out. I’m Lebron James, bitch.” Verbatim. It was at that point I started not really liking the dude. Only a complete sycophant would chide someone for not knowing who they were and then make the grandeur leap that the person who didn’t know was “missing out” on his/her company. Sure, Princess James. Whatever.

Another disclaimer to this is that I don’t practice psychiatric medicine. I have been told more than a million times (for real, yo) that I’m “perceptive” and “a good judge of character” regarding people I just meet or don’t know, so I’ll just go with this anyways.

Lebron misses Cleveland. He really does. You’d never, ever, ever get him to admit it openly, and I’m not entirely sure he’s told anyone close to him or not, but if you hook the guy up to a lie detector test and asked him if he missed playing there, I bet that needle teeters over to “YES” really hard. Last week, his much-over-publicized comments about how he’d see himself possibly returning to the Cavs, extending the olive branch to Dan Gilbert in the process and admitting (finally) that The Decision was piss poorly conceived on his part…well, it showed a window into his heart if nothing else.

It was probably a PR move too. After all, no one detests being hated like Lebron James. I recall “The Massage Therapist” Seinfeld episode where George Costanza is sitting with Jerry at the coffee shop and Jerry says “does everyone have to like you?” in response to George’s insistence that Jerry’s new flame hated him. George responded by saying “yes, I need everyone to like me.” Lebron’s last name may as well be Costanza, because he’s the same way. So he figured an interview where he lobs that peace offering of sorts might keep the boo birds a bit quieter. To him, if 50 fewer people hate his guts, it’s worth it. I didn’t watch the game because the NBA is completely rigged either way, so I don’t know what the reaction was, but I bet there was less vitriol after he said that. Just a hunch.

Everyone has always liked James since forever. They followed him around. He’d never heard the word “no.” For anything. He was adored, worshipped, and doted over his entire life. So when in one sloppy televised night he went from never hearing anyone do anything but love him to having everyone outside of Miami completely hate his very being, yeah, it hit him harder than it would normally hit a person. People make the leap that guys like Lebron grow up quicker than everyone else, but it’s not the case. They grow up slower. He’s 27 going on 22 to be honest. The harsh realities of everyday life are foreign to him because he’s never had to deal with it in the manner that most people have. Just now he’s finding out that the world isn’t just a circus of people who love him. It’s filled with those who adore, those who hate, and those who don’t give a damn about him one way or the other.

But in those comments I think Lebron almost caught himself admitting he misses Ohio and Cleveland. Put it this way: A lot of people when they hit college, they have “the talk.” They sit down with their high school flame and make the fateful decision to part ways because there’s a new phase of life, and stable relationships aren’t going to win out over partying in all days that end in Y, waking up with 3 different girls a week, and being able to binge drink and make mistakes without fear of letting someone back home down. So they break up and go on about their way. Not that long after though, something funny often happens. After a few months or years of those wild nights every evening, you begin to miss what you had. You had to go explore what else was out there, but mostly it makes you eventually appreciate the simple “dinner and a movie” nights with the same ole chick.

Lebron left Cleveland for a lot of reasons, but one of them was to “be out on his own” of sorts. He just turned 21, just broke up with the girl, just got paroled, whatever. He went to Miami because it’s warmer, the girls are cuter, the parties are more bad ass, and the colors are brighter. So it’s been a year down there, and I think in his heart of hearts, he just misses sitting on the couch on a Friday night watching bad movies and necking, metaphorically speaking of course.

Lebron was a pseudo-god in Cleveland. Not that he’s not popular in Miami, but cities like Miami have glitter come in and out all the time. No one is “forever.” Half the time, Lebron’s probably not even the most famous name at the parties he attends. Miami doesn’t genuflect for its athletes. It’s a plastic, transient city. It’s east coast LA, where winning draws interest and if that’s not going on, no one cares. Heat fans aren’t Cavs fans. If the team loses, they won’t bother coming back. If the team wins, they’ll cheer and go because it’s the clique thing to do. If/when Lebron ever leaves, they won’t care all that much. They certainly won’t be burning his jersey. They just don’t care enough. Athletes don’t weave in and out of their hearts the way they do in the Rust Belt.

Lebron sees this, I think. I guess. I opine. After a year in Miami being vilified, I think part of him misses the adoration of Cleveland and Ohio in general. I think part of him realizes that he basically left his home to “grow up” of sorts. He basically traded the comforts he always knew for partying and night life. I think it was Scott Van Pelt a few weeks ago on his radio show that admitted that if you up and move to cities like LA or Miami, someone has to seriously question your motivation level regarding anything but plastic-y, materialistic lures. That’s Lebron James. Or who he was. Or who he still is, for all I know.

But I think part of it at least is starting to make him miss what he had in Cleveland. Yeah, it’s colder, a little more depressing in the winter, and not as picturesque, but it’s also devoted, white knuckle, and blue collar. All things Miami is not. Lebron extended the olive branch because he’s insecure when he hears the boos, but also because deep down inside, I think he misses it just a bit. Just enough to understand that’s where he wants to end up. Just enough to understand that even if he doesn’t on the court, well, it will be where he ends up. He’ll say all the right things because he has to considering the spotlight he’s under, but he made it for himself.

Lebron moved away to “grow up” and experience life, of sorts. But like the kid turning 21 finally, eventually the club scene wears itself out. Eventually you want the white picket fence, your own grass to cut, and beers on your deck alone with your thoughts and not with 1,000 other sweaty people amidst terrible music being played too loud. Eventually you realize that going away to college and experiencing other girls, other things, was a good thing, but that what you had before then wasn’t so bad either. So what the hell, you dig through your boxes of old high school stuff and search for the ole girl’s number, in the back of your mind desperately hoping she hasn’t found someone knew after all these years. Because if she did what you said she should…well, you’d be just killed. Lebron was digging through his things a few weeks ago I think, and he found an old yearbook and some dusty photos of “what used to be.” He thought about giving her a call, Cleveland, just to see how she was doing. He hopes she hasn’t moved on if/when he decides he might want to come back. Eventually, the lights burn out. The club closes. And we find our way back home. By the way, the massage therapist? She never ended up liking George. Just hating him more. 27 going on 22…going on 30.