Old style desk telephone, somewhere in Siberia: (Trring! Trrring!)
Peggy: Hello. USA Prime Coaching Positions. This is Peggy.
Bobby: Peggy!!?? Dadgummit I thought you worked for that credit card company.
Peggy: Coaching and credit cards very similar. You pay more when there is high interest.
Bobby: Uh, yeah, I guess so. Um, say listen, I wanna get back in the coaching market.
Peggy: Have to have points to give up for this. You have experience?
Bobby: POINTS?? Have you changed positions or not? Don’t you know who I am?
Peggy: No, have not changed position. Still at same crappy desk with same stinky comrades. Just different division. Yes, know who you are. Dadgummit man with crappy credit points.
Bobby: No, dadgummit it! I mean, No! I’m Bobby Bowden. The second winningest college football coach in the FBS. I want to apply to get back into my game since Florida State let me go!
Peggy: So you are number two and were flushed?
Bobby: DADGUMMIT! Listen a minute.
Peggy: Okay. Dadgummit.
Bobby: (Dadgummit!) You know the reason I’m not the winningest is because that old fossil Joe Paterno never would step down, and my own employer threw me out the door too early. Now Joe’s gonna have to leave his job because he hired a pervert and they found out.
Peggy: Pervert?
Bobby: Uh, yeah. Sorry no offense meant, but, uh, the voice itn’t working, Peggy.
Peggy: Is okay. Beard not working either.
Bobby: Not even in Siberia?
Peggy: Here can work. Nights are 6 months long.
Booby: Um, I really want to change the subject back to football.
Peggy: Okay. This not USA Prime Date anyway.
Bobby: (You can say that again!) Listen, can you find me a job for a year – just a year or two maybe – so I can at least get enough wins to pass that old dinosaur?
Peggy: Amerika have dinosaurs? In football?
Bobby: (Not anymore.) No, listen I just need a job at an FBS place. Just long enough to win more than Paterno. Can you find me something?
Peggy: (Sets down phone. Papers shuffling.) Mr. Dadgummit?
Bobby: (Dadgummit!) Yeah, I’m here!
Peggy: Is good. Have three jobs you maybe want. First is State Pen, where is dinosaur.
Bobby: Penn State.
Peggy: No State Pen. They have also football team.
Bobby: (Dadgummit!) No, that itn’t FBS. What else?
Peggy: Penn State not want you. Will not hire people in straw hats.
Next is Kentuckee. They are getting rid of Joker. Must also be poker team.
Bobby: It would be a gamble for sure! But Bear could…. Who else?
Peggy: Next is Mrs. Sippy. Have football team in SEC called Bear Back Rebel.
Bobby: Rebels. And Black Bears. (Dadgummit!) Well, that one might work. I mean, at least I could play a few teams a year I could beat. Can you get me in there?
Peggy: Yes, I will try, but it will cost you.
Bobby: Cost me? How much?
Peggy: All USA Prime Credit points.
Bobby: DADGUMMIT! Why the ..
Peggy: Is bribe. For me.
Bobby: Well, you’re a thief, but at least you’re not a lyin’ thief. Okay I’ll give you my credit points. Now you will get me this job? So I can pass Paterno?
Peggy: Chances will look pretty good. I use your points to get electrolysis!
Bobby: DADGUMMIT!
Telephone: (Click! Hmmmmmmmmm.)
Vespula, 8 November 2011