From the Bat Cave, I bring you week ten's biggest stories in college football. Please don't go swimming for at least a half-hour after reading. 


1. A Conversation

A conversation I had last week with the Alabama Crimson Tide. 

Me: Hey Alabama, after having played more than a thousand games; winning more than 800 of them; winning 30 conference championships; winning at least 12 national championships; winning 32 of your 57 bowl games; sending countless players to professional football; defeating LSU 45 out of 75 times; having 9 unbeaten-untied seasons; having 49 seasons that saw you ranked at the end of the season; after scoring more than 27,000 points since your first football game in 1892; and considering your program's prestige and the popularity of both high-school football and soccer throughout the United States; don't you think that maybe you could use a half-way decent place-kicker and could perhaps very easily have recruited one already? I'm just asking. 

Alabama: Hey, screw you buddy. What about LSU? They don't even have a decent quarterback! We don't need no stinkin' kicker. 

Me: Yeah, look, LSU's quarterback is a legitimate issue, but I'm talking about your need of a kicker-

Alabama: We already told you jackass, we don't need no stinkin' kicker. We're Ala-freakin'-bama, and we know what we're doing here. 

Me: Ok, but I'm just sayin...

Alabama: Shut up.

Me: Hear me out. I'm just sayin', that with all the kids in America kicking soccer balls and footballs, surely a team of your stature and caliber could have found just one that could kick a football competently. That's all I'm sayin'. 

Alabama: Shut up before you get your ass kicked. 

Me: Ok. 


I said I don't need a kicker! Now Shut it! 


2. Art Review

James Dean was a Rebel Without a Cause. Marlon Brando was rebelling against "what've you got."  To rebel against the status quo, societal norms and neo-colonialism/neo-liberalism is a time-honored tradition that stretches from the days of America's own rebellious founders, who were looking to deconstruct the British socio-economic-political system and replace it with one of their own fashioning; to the age of punk rock and AK-47-wielding Colombian FARC rebels/terrorists. Into that time-honored tradition step the Ole Miss Rebels, a team that is rebelling against the concept of winning. Ole Miss presents us with a bold statement that is able to challenge American societal norms, which place an emphasis on things like "success," "victory," and "not sucking."  At the same time, they're able to challenge our notions of the very nature of rebellion. Usually, a rebellion shares societal norms in terms of loaded concepts like "success" and "winning" in that most rebellions seek "success" by "winning" (i.e. achieving their social-political-economic goals). The Ole Miss Rebels brilliantly turn that idea on its very head. They seek "success" or in this case, non-success, not by "winning" but by "losing" or, as I believe Foucault once put it, by "sucking really, really bad." The end result is a striking contrast: in a conference (the SEC) that prides itself on competitiveness and winning, the Ole Miss Rebels present us with very much the opposite. Their product is incompetent, from the head coach on down. They are non-competitive, they don't win, they seem bathed in a negative aura of melancholy.  As they lurch from one defeat to the next, they provide us with an alternative view, one that says: "hey, you don't have to be a winner, you don't have to compete. You can reject bourgeoisie notions like success and winning and instead, you can totally suck ass like we do." A brilliant work of art that will truly force the rest of us to examine what it really means to be "successful" and to "win." 


The Ole Miss ladies on the other hand are definitely winners


3. Governor Declares Statewide Holiday

Kansas governor Sam Brownback has declared Monday, November 7th to be a day of "celebration and prayer" following the Kansas Jayhawks' remarkable loss by only three points to Iowa State. "I couldn't be more proud of the poor Jayhawks," said the governor, who received his J.D. from Kansas after getting his Bachelor's from Kansas State University, "Only three points! It's almost as if they could have actually won the football game! I don't know what to say. I'm stunned and ecstatic." For no other reason than to piss on Kansas' already very sad parade, several atheist groups are already planning to sue the governor for including a call to prayer in his call to celebration. 


Brownback: I'll drink you atheist punks under the table, go Jayhawks!


4. Tuesday Night Game Thrills--Seriously 

In a game that reminded us all why we love college football. Northern Illinois and Toledo played a game that saw over 1100 combined yards of offense and 123 combined points scored. Northern Illinois WR Nathan Palmer caught 4 passes for 120 yards and 3 touchdowns. Toledo WR Eric Page caught 9 passes for 150 yards and 5 touchdowns. Northern Illinois' Tommylee Lewis added to the excitement by returning 2 kickoffs for touchdowns. Amazingly, there was only one turnover the entire game. Just out of curiosity, when was the last time two NFL teams combined for more than 100 points? When was the last time two NFL teams combined for over 1000 yards of offense (if that has ever happened)? When was the last time opposing NFL teams each had a WR get over 100 yards and at least 3 touchdowns?  When was the last time a player ran two kickoffs back for touchdowns in an NFL game? Regardless of the NFL's talent-level, when compared to college football, the NFL provides us with a product that is stale, boring, so doctrinaire that it's almost dogmatic, and a victim of its own conventional wisdom. And I say that as an NFL fan. Two crappy NFL teams would never provide us the kind of thrills that two going-nowhere mid-majors did on Tuesday night. And that is why college football is so great. And as a post script, the very next night the MAC provided us with another pretty exciting game in Temple at Ohio. The close game saw nearly 1000 yards in offense and both teams combined for 66 points in a game that saw 4 lead changes in the fourth quarter. 


Thanks for the entertaining game


5. University of Texas, Greece Nearing Deal 

Sources from within the EU and the Greek government have confirmed that Greece and the University of Texas (or if you prefer, Texas University) are nearing completion of a deal that will help Greece's beleaguered finances. Sources tell me the deal will involve, on the Texas side, a major financial contribution. On the Greek side, Greece is expected to carry the Longhorn Network and come up with two or three from-scratch college football teams that will be available to form a new conference whenever Texas is ready for them.  To still be worked out: Sources report that Texas and Greece are still in negotiations on a deal that will see Texas contribute more money in return for a Greek island "large enough to support a submarine base."  Sources are unable or just plain unwilling to speculate as to what the Longhorns are planning to do with a submarine fleet. 


Apparently, Longhorns are serious about improving defense


6. Penn State Has Week Off to Prepare for Crushing of Hopes

The Penn State Nittany Lions, currently the leading team in the Big 10 (8-1, 5-0) had a bye this week so they can be better prepared for their hopes to be crushed in the coming weeks. Although the Nittany Lions are as of now in first place, their next three games are at home against Nebraska, then at Ohio State, and then at Wisconsin. Most self-proclaimed experts, and pretty much anyone familiar with recent Penn State Football history is well-aware that Joe Paterno and his Nittany Lions will most likely lose at least two of those games, possibly all three. When asked to comment, Penn State RB Silas Redd (195 rushes, 987 yards, 7 touchdowns) agreed with the assessment, saying: "Oh, you know we're going to lose possibly all those games. We're Penn State, we've been decent but not great for about 15 years now. I don't think Penn State's been a player on the national scene since I was in preschool. But hey, it's a lot of fun and seeing the heartbreak on the fans' faces and it's a great substitute for our diminished national prominence." 


Sad

That's all this week from the Bat Cave. Thanks for reading and have a great week.