Written by: rampageripser
7/14/2009 3:59 PM

Don’t think for a second I forgot the slime that infested the week that was.  Here’s your weekly dose, don’t pull a Heath Ledger on me….

Top 5 Winners

5) NAACP – 100 years.  That’s quite an achievement.  This organization should be applauded for its ability to fight through all the shit it’s faced over the years to reach the point it has now.  Although its currently going through a bit of an identity crisis in trying to figure out where it fits in the modern world, I salute you NAACP on your centennial.

4) USA Military – So Fox News is reporting this story about the latest in military technology.  Apparently they have built a robot called EATR.  This is a run-of-the-mill steam-powered robot that is a typical foraging bot used to find stuff out in the field.  Here’s the catch, it can run on biomass it finds out in the field, including dead bodies.  I said it, DEAD BODIES.  Basically, the military has created a robot that runs on humans.  I think that may be the scariest thing ever, I would recommend all enemies just forfeit now.

3) Spongebob Squarepants – 10 years, that is who long this poriferon (scientific word for sponge) has been making crazily annoying noises and entertaining millions of little kids.  It is starting to challenge some of the other heavyweights of the cartoon world for longevity (I’m talking Scooby-doo territory here).  Not only that, but the way the culture surrounding the show has spread to every inch of the globe is quite amazing in its own right.  Spongebob is on EVERYTHING from clothes to hotel keys to dog leashes to, well, sponges.  So here’s to you, you yellow, porous, comedy machine.

2) Matt Cassel – If I had made a list of winners of last year, this lucky punk would top the list.  Talk about lucky sun-of-a-gun.  He somehow makes the NFL after NEVER starting a SINGLE game at USC, gets picked by the best franchise of the decade (New England), has the starter (and guy he would NEVER pass on the depth charts) go down in the first game with a season-ending injury, then gets to lead probably the most talented team in the division to an 11 win season.  Now, he has signed with the Chiefs for $63 Million.  What a lucky bastard.  Well, here’s to you Matt Cassels, hope your fall from grace isn’t as sharp as your rise.

1) Ryan Seacrest - This little bastard, I swear, luckiest man alive.  As most all radio hosts will say, they’re near the bottom of the entertainment ladder, yet this bum managed to eek his way onto what turned out to be the biggest tv show of the decade.  After “killing off” his co-host (see losers), this arrogant prick has made more money than I could dream about making.  He produces everything from tv shows about talentless celebrities with big asses, to an over-indulgence in shitty music.  Now, he is the highest paid host on tv.  He just signed a deal worth $45 MILLION. HOLY SHIT that is a lot of money for doing something that takes no talent.  It is enough to put you in my number  1 spot.

Top 5 Losers

5) South Carolina – Ok you cocks, here is your day of reckoning.  I spared you throughout the Sanford shit, cause Oklahoma was worse, but you couldn’t hide away forever.  What do you have to say about this group of morons?  According to this article, a funeral home in Allendale, SC was shut down because workers were chopping off the legs of taller bodies in order to use smaller coffins, WITHOUT permission from the family. WTF!?!?!?!  Sorry SC, this is just pathetic, enjoy your week on the bottom.

4) North Korea – First your little wimpy attempt for attention by testing missiles on the 4^th was a bust, now you “Supreme Leader”, or should I say hairy midget ape dictator has pancreatic cancer.  I really don’t know what is more depressing, that a Kimmy boy thinks that the world is actually scared of him, or that the Korean people love the little bastard. 

3) Lebron and Nike – So who hasn’t heard about this little pile of crap?  If that is the case, here’s a link to the story.  Apparently, rookie Jordan Crawford of Xaiver laid a nice big dunk on King James during a summer pick-up game.  Two videographers were covering the camp and, according to them both, were required to forfeit the footage after LBJ (or wtv stupid nickname he has) bitched to the sponsors.  Here’s what I don’t get.  If you had let this out, we all would have seen it, laughed for a bit, awed at Crawford’s abilities, and moved on.  BUT, since you decided to be an ass about the situation, and you’re half-assed cover-up was busted, the entire media world is buzzing about how much of a cry-baby you are.  If I were Sweet Baby James I would put my big girl panties on and challenge Crawford to a “just-for-fun” dunk contest, proceed to wipe his face all over the court, and reap in all the positive media attention.  Moron.

2) Stupid kids and their dumber parents – According to this article, a 15 year old girl fell into an open manhole in Staten Island.  While the workers admitted that the bright orange cones may not have been obvious enough, that’s not the reason why this moron fell and bruised herself up a bit.  No, the moron was busy telling her bff about the cutie she saw at starbucks, she was texting.  So, of course the parents were mad and took the phone away, that would be the proper thing right?  No, the fuckin pricks are suing the city.  SUING THE CITY for THEIR kids STUPIDITY.  Good god what the hell.  If I was the judge I’d throw this piece of crap out of court faster than you can say “lmao”.  I would also lock up the whole family for shits and giggles.

1) Everything and everyone around Michael Jackson – This is getting out of hand people, seriously.  Is it just me or does any of this “shocking news” really shock anyone?  He was gay, he did drugs, he wasn’t really the father.  Are you surprised?  No.  Do we give a shit? Apparently.  But, it has become more than about his death, it has become this weird cultural obsession, one that leaves a black mark on the scrotum of society.  His family is being dragged through the mud yet again.  People are taking advantage of him more now that he has died than when he was alive.  It is a sad state of affairs, and I truly wish we’d just let go of it as a society, seriously, it’s time to let the sleeping freak lie.

Copyright ©2009 Matt Ripley

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