SEC MUSINGS FROM THE DOUBLEWIDE
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RBF is Off the Down Low
Anyone else feel like they are desperately wanting good calls to be made? What if a young Reno Raines was running up the sideline verifying a toe drag instead of a 67 year old overweight caucasian? You see, Reno had good judgment and he ABSOLUTELY did not make mistakes. If I could choose an officiating crew for the upcoming Hogs @ LSU football game it would be Reno Raines, the Man With No Name, Ben Cartwright, Lucas McCain, Paul Kersey, William Foster, and a robot with a big robot cock. Not a robot like a Gobot or a half man/machine like Robocop, I’m thinking something shiny and real like Haley Joel Osment in A.I. or even a robotic Pinocchio. Imagine Rosie the Maid from The Jetsons standing in the corner of the end zone making sure the wide out had possession of the ball. Hell, if badasses and robots don’t work, then the NCAA should call the ATP and bring over the Hawk-Eye technology that works perfectly when needed. Put some fucking neptunium on the football and line the sidelines with lasers. Is it really that hard? That’s what she said. Can we get some nerds in college football? If badasses, robots, and technology all worked together in place of what we have now then college football fans could not lose…. …Unless we get some bullshit robot like Starscream taking control like he did in that link. He can’t even lead androids to a picnic. Can anyone else relate to this nonsense? SEC Best Showing: Kentucky Worst Showing: THE Chattanooga Mocs Kentucky ‘fries’ their way into Georgia and wins for the first time since native Georgian Jimmy Carter was president. It was a good enough victory that ESPN mustered up 6 paragraphs and 134 words(using the count feature in Word) in their recap of the game. They didn’t even leave enough for a brother from anotha mother’s father’s hooker to plagiarize. I’m trying to find a highlight on the Net to watch and the only thing I could find was a Tubby Smith from Georgia to Kentucky hate video. Looking at the box score leads me to believe that Morgan Newton and Randall Tex ‘Cobb’ combined for 5 touchdowns in the victory and Joe Cox continues to look like a bald headed Sigourney Weaver in Alien 3. I need only nine more words to beat ESPN…. The Chattanooga Mocs were dominated on the road this weekend versus Alabama as they could only cross midfield twice in the 45-0 loss. The Mocs came into this game with the goal of not getting shit canned and they failed eternally. While the Mocs were able to gain 84 total yards of offense for the game, it really didn’t show. Sophomore quarterback B.J. Coleman came into this game averaging 230 pass yards per game and left with 36 passing yards in this game. Coleman had 2312 passing yards, 17 touchdowns, 7 interceptions and an above average 59% completion percentage coming in and left going 7 of 25, 0 touchdowns, 2 interceptions, and a 28% completion percentage. Mark Ingram had another ‘Heisman-ish’ performance with 102 rushing yards and 2 touchdown runs. The Mocs leave feeling good that 65 of Ingram’s yards came on two runs. After the game SEC commish Mike Slive told Mocs head coach Russ Huesman that they didn’t belong. Coach Huesman responded by saying, “Well, we don’t even work here.” Worth mentioning: Verne displays why his nickname is “The Golden Throat” during a skit with Lexington Steele in between the 1st/2nd quarter, LSU quarterback Jordan Jefferson spikes the ball to end the game - down 2 - at the Ole Miss 6 yard line with one second left in the game, FIU kicker Dustin Rivest shines during a 37 yard field goal attempt at Florida, the Vols take down Lionel Richie and The Commodores 31-16 as SEC officials allow the Commodores performance of Machine Gun during Guitar Hero to count as points, and Mallett throws for five touchdowns in the win against Miss State – the fifth touchdown setting a new school record for touchdown passes in a season. Big Ten Best Showing: Iowa? Worst Showing: Wisconsin Iowa reflected on the 12-0 win against Minnesota and they came up with the same question every one else had, “How did we win this game?” Iowa had fewer first downs. Iowa lost the TOP and total yardage battle. Iowa converted only 1 third down conversion out of 13 attempts. Iowa had 2 turnovers to Gophers 3 and 3 penalties to Gophers 4. Iowa wins the Floyd of Rosedale and keeps its BCS bowl hopes alive after losing 2 games in a row, after winning 9 in a row that they should have lost….except for the Iowa State win. Iowa freshman quarterback James Vandenberg threw for 117 yards, 1 INT, and no touchdown passes in the shutout. Good job Iowa, go buy a lottery ticket. + = Some wine for that smelly Wisconsin cheese. Big 12 Best Showing: Nebraska Worst Showing: Oklahoma Kudos to Bo Pelini as Nebraska beats Kansas State to win the Big 12 North. Congrats guys, you have the pleasure of getting Tokyo Drift’ed by Texas in the Big 12 Championship. For those who don’t know, I saw Colt McCoy in his rice burner close to campus a few years ago and from that point on I have referred to him as Tokyo Drift. With Nebraska’s Ndamukong Suh on the other side of the ball in the Big 12 Championship we might be seeing a little bit more of Tokyo’s legs. Tokyo’s career rushing yards per attempt was 4.0 coming into this season and he currently sits at 2.1 yards per rush on the year. Run for your life Tokyo…Suh is coming right at you. [Mention K State not being bowl eligible because they beat two FCS teams and they can only count one of those in their win total. Oops!] Oklahoma suffered their third loss of this season when scoring only 13 points and brought their season loss total to 5. While that is a surprising amount of losses for OU the bigger surprise came when Landry Jones removed his helmet to reveal that Perez Hilton had been playing the entire game in his spot. Other helmet reveal surprises included Gary Coleman, Nikki Ziering, Gary Busey, Verne Troyer, and Corey Feldman. This Oklahoma football season was a joke planned by VH1 and the Oklahoma Athletic department and will aired early next year as part of sweeps week. Looking back it all makes perfect sense. Pac 10 Best Showing: Oregon Worst Showing: Stanford Oregon is one step closer to smelling roses after beating Arizona on the road in double overtime. I did the game Preview for California @ Oregon and ragged on Oregon’s offense. At that point in the season Jeremiah Masoli had played like warm crap and had not thrown a touchdown pass. He must have read my game preview because he turned it around after that. Oregon fans, you are welcome. DATE OPP W/L CMP ATT YDS CMP% TD INT RAT ATT YDS AVG TD 9/3 @Boise St L 14 27 121 51.9 0 1 82.08 7 14 2.0 1 9/12 Purdue W 11 21 163 52.4 0 0 117.58 14 84 6.0 1 9/19 Utah W 4 16 95 25.0 0 1 62.38 12 47 3.9 2 9/26 California W 21 25 253 84.0 3 0 208.61 8 21 2.6 0 10/3 WSU W 14 18 116 77.8 1 0 150.24 7 52 7.4 1 10/10 @UCLA W Did not play in the game. 10/24 @ Wash W 14 22 157 63.6 1 0 138.58 11 54 4.9 2 10/31 USC W 19 31 222 61.3 1 0 132.09 13 164 12.6 1 11/7 @Stanford L 21 37 334 56.8 3 0 159.34 10 55 5.5 1 11/14 Az State W 10 20 120 50.0 2 1 123.40 7 67 9.6 0 11/21 @Arizona W 26 47 284 55.3 3 1 122.89 16 61 3.8 3 Stanford Cardinal, it’s November 14th, 2009 and you just beat USC on the road and have a shot at the Rose Bowl, how do you feel? “It's just an overwhelming feeling now.” - Andrew Luck Ummmm….That quote came to life like Chucky Saturday night as Stanford folds instead of playing their hand. Toby Gerhart runs for 136 and 4 touchdowns and gets a nice big bag of sand instead of the Heisman. Q: How do you hang 51 on Oregon at home, hang 55 on USC on the road, and then hang yourself against a Jahvid Best’less Cal team at home? A: Have your quarterback play like shit. Andrew Luck, the greatest freshman quarterback in the history of college football, played more like Andrew “Bad Lucking” Fuck going 11 of 30 for 157 yards, 1 INT, and no touchdowns. For the love of Stanford football, Don’t speak next season Andrew. ACC Best Showing: Florida State Worst Showing: Boston College FSU is down 4 points to a decrepit Maryland team (how the hell did they beat Clemson and James Madison?) with 32 seconds left in the game. They need this win to become bowl eligible, save face, and keep Bowden’s impressive bowl game streak alive. Can they do it? Yes! Some little girl in a sun dress named Lonnie Pryor runs in a 3 yard touchdown to win the game. Guess how may penalties FSU committed in the game….ZERO!(?) FSU has won 4 of their last 5 and they head to the Swamp for a rivalry game. Bowden is excited about making the trip, but actually thinks he’s heading to Padre Island for a vacation. Boston College’s Shinskie, Marscovetra, Pantale, and Penislikeapepsican (okay I made that one up) thought they could get by on their name only. Little did they know they would have to play in the loss to UNC. BC had a slim chance to play in the ACC Championship if they could get a win against UNC, AT HOME, but they forgot that UNC fielded a defense that can win games by itself. Dave Shinskie does his best Ray Charles at quarterback impersonation and throws the ball into sextuple coverage 28 times resulting in 4 picks…damn, that’s 14% of your passes being picked off son. Maybe you should pick up playing a piano as a hobby. Big East Best Showing: University of Connecticut Worst Showing: Rutgers Before this game Connecticut sat at 4-5 ….with the five losses coming by a total of 15 points. They left the game at Notre Dame 5-5 and put a big smile on the face of college football. I cannot imagine how difficult it would be to lose a teammate and then lose multiple games in a row that you could have won. Randy Edsall was all emotion after the game, telling Jasper Howard that the win was for him. What an exciting game to watch and comment on with fellow posters. Connecticut and Coach Edsall deserve the biggest congratulations ever. Connecticut needs to win their last two games to become bowl eligible and we should all watch as it could come true. The TBDPITL #24 ranked Rutgers Scarlet Knights loses 13-31 at Syracuse. Sometimes just the box score is good enough, sorry webhole: Rutgers Syracuse 1st Downs 11 23 Total Yards 130 424 Passing 104 211 Rushing 26 213 Penalties 5-22 4-40 3rd Down Conv 2-11 6-14 4th Down Conv 0-0 1-2 Turnovers 2 0 Possession 19:59 40:01 Independents/Mid Majors Best Showing: New Mexico Worst Showing: Tulane New Mexico wins their first game of the year against a just as crappy Colorado State team. After starting out with three wins in a row against Colorado, Weber State, and Nevada – Colorado State literally just ‘gives the fuck up’ and loses 8 in a row, the last to New Mexico. I’ve been to Albuquerque and it’s the hottest place on planet earth. The only fun thing to do there is pack the bathtub full of ice and get in to cool off. I can only imagine that New Mexico celebrated by purchasing bags of ice to place on their bodies to try and extend their lives. New Mexico travels to TCU this coming weekend and is being paid in ICEE. Tulane had 50 total yards of offense in their 49-0 loss on the road at UCF. They gave up 500 total yards of offense to try and even things out a little. After the game the press found out that the Tulane football team decided to write their letters to Santa a little early this year and thought that last weeks practice time for UCF would be the right time. Here’s a little of what they wrote Santa: QB Ryan Griffin: Wants a set of TMNT pajamas and the new Justin Bieber album. WR Jeremy Williams: Wants a million dollars and an autographed Beyonce photo. Head Coach Bob Toledo: Wants the hell out of Tulane.
Anyone else feel like they are desperately wanting good calls to be made? What if a young Reno Raines was running up the sideline verifying a toe drag instead of a 67 year old overweight caucasian? You see, Reno had good judgment and he ABSOLUTELY did not make mistakes. If I could choose an officiating crew for the upcoming Hogs @ LSU football game it would be Reno Raines, the Man With No Name, Ben Cartwright, Lucas McCain, Paul Kersey, William Foster, and a robot with a big robot cock.
Not a robot like a Gobot or a half man/machine like Robocop, I’m thinking something shiny and real like Haley Joel Osment in A.I. or even a robotic Pinocchio. Imagine Rosie the Maid from The Jetsons standing in the corner of the end zone making sure the wide out had possession of the ball.
Hell, if badasses and robots don’t work, then the NCAA should call the ATP and bring over the Hawk-Eye technology that works perfectly when needed. Put some fucking neptunium on the football and line the sidelines with lasers. Is it really that hard? That’s what she said. Can we get some nerds in college football?
If badasses, robots, and technology all worked together in place of what we have now then college football fans could not lose….
…Unless we get some bullshit robot like Starscream taking control like he did in that link. He can’t even lead androids to a picnic.
Can anyone else relate to this nonsense?
SEC
Best Showing: Kentucky
Worst Showing: THE Chattanooga Mocs
Kentucky ‘fries’ their way into Georgia and wins for the first time since native Georgian Jimmy Carter was president. It was a good enough victory that ESPN mustered up 6 paragraphs and 134 words(using the count feature in Word) in their recap of the game. They didn’t even leave enough for a brother from anotha mother’s father’s hooker to plagiarize. I’m trying to find a highlight on the Net to watch and the only thing I could find was a Tubby Smith from Georgia to Kentucky hate video. Looking at the box score leads me to believe that Morgan Newton and Randall Tex ‘Cobb’ combined for 5 touchdowns in the victory and Joe Cox continues to look like a bald headed Sigourney Weaver in Alien 3. I need only nine more words to beat ESPN….
The Chattanooga Mocs were dominated on the road this weekend versus Alabama as they could only cross midfield twice in the 45-0 loss. The Mocs came into this game with the goal of not getting shit canned and they failed eternally. While the Mocs were able to gain 84 total yards of offense for the game, it really didn’t show. Sophomore quarterback B.J. Coleman came into this game averaging 230 pass yards per game and left with 36 passing yards in this game. Coleman had 2312 passing yards, 17 touchdowns, 7 interceptions and an above average 59% completion percentage coming in and left going 7 of 25, 0 touchdowns, 2 interceptions, and a 28% completion percentage. Mark Ingram had another ‘Heisman-ish’ performance with 102 rushing yards and 2 touchdown runs. The Mocs leave feeling good that 65 of Ingram’s yards came on two runs. After the game SEC commish Mike Slive told Mocs head coach Russ Huesman that they didn’t belong. Coach Huesman responded by saying, “Well, we don’t even work here.”
Worth mentioning: Verne displays why his nickname is “The Golden Throat” during a skit with Lexington Steele in between the 1st/2nd quarter, LSU quarterback Jordan Jefferson spikes the ball to end the game - down 2 - at the Ole Miss 6 yard line with one second left in the game, FIU kicker Dustin Rivest shines during a 37 yard field goal attempt at Florida, the Vols take down Lionel Richie and The Commodores 31-16 as SEC officials allow the Commodores performance of Machine Gun during Guitar Hero to count as points, and Mallett throws for five touchdowns in the win against Miss State – the fifth touchdown setting a new school record for touchdown passes in a season.
Big Ten
Best Showing: Iowa?
Worst Showing: Wisconsin
Iowa reflected on the 12-0 win against Minnesota and they came up with the same question every one else had, “How did we win this game?”
Iowa wins the Floyd of Rosedale and keeps its BCS bowl hopes alive after losing 2 games in a row, after winning 9 in a row that they should have lost….except for the Iowa State win. Iowa freshman quarterback James Vandenberg threw for 117 yards, 1 INT, and no touchdown passes in the shutout. Good job Iowa, go buy a lottery ticket.
+ = Some wine for that smelly Wisconsin cheese.
Big 12
Best Showing: Nebraska
Worst Showing: Oklahoma
Kudos to Bo Pelini as Nebraska beats Kansas State to win the Big 12 North. Congrats guys, you have the pleasure of getting Tokyo Drift’ed by Texas in the Big 12 Championship. For those who don’t know, I saw Colt McCoy in his rice burner close to campus a few years ago and from that point on I have referred to him as Tokyo Drift. With Nebraska’s Ndamukong Suh on the other side of the ball in the Big 12 Championship we might be seeing a little bit more of Tokyo’s legs. Tokyo’s career rushing yards per attempt was 4.0 coming into this season and he currently sits at 2.1 yards per rush on the year. Run for your life Tokyo…Suh is coming right at you. [Mention K State not being bowl eligible because they beat two FCS teams and they can only count one of those in their win total. Oops!]
Oklahoma suffered their third loss of this season when scoring only 13 points and brought their season loss total to 5. While that is a surprising amount of losses for OU the bigger surprise came when Landry Jones removed his helmet to reveal that Perez Hilton had been playing the entire game in his spot. Other helmet reveal surprises included Gary Coleman, Nikki Ziering, Gary Busey, Verne Troyer, and Corey Feldman. This Oklahoma football season was a joke planned by VH1 and the Oklahoma Athletic department and will aired early next year as part of sweeps week. Looking back it all makes perfect sense.
Pac 10
Best Showing: Oregon
Worst Showing: Stanford
Oregon is one step closer to smelling roses after beating Arizona on the road in double overtime.
I did the game Preview for California @ Oregon and ragged on Oregon’s offense. At that point in the season Jeremiah Masoli had played like warm crap and had not thrown a touchdown pass. He must have read my game preview because he turned it around after that. Oregon fans, you are welcome.
Stanford Cardinal, it’s November 14th, 2009 and you just beat USC on the road and have a shot at the Rose Bowl, how do you feel? “It's just an overwhelming feeling now.” - Andrew Luck
Ummmm….That quote came to life like Chucky Saturday night as Stanford folds instead of playing their hand. Toby Gerhart runs for 136 and 4 touchdowns and gets a nice big bag of sand instead of the Heisman.
Q: How do you hang 51 on Oregon at home, hang 55 on USC on the road, and then hang yourself against a Jahvid Best’less Cal team at home?
A: Have your quarterback play like shit. Andrew Luck, the greatest freshman quarterback in the history of college football, played more like Andrew “Bad Lucking” Fuck going 11 of 30 for 157 yards, 1 INT, and no touchdowns. For the love of Stanford football, Don’t speak next season Andrew.
ACC
Best Showing: Florida State
Worst Showing: Boston College
FSU is down 4 points to a decrepit Maryland team (how the hell did they beat Clemson and James Madison?) with 32 seconds left in the game. They need this win to become bowl eligible, save face, and keep Bowden’s impressive bowl game streak alive. Can they do it? Yes! Some little girl in a sun dress named Lonnie Pryor runs in a 3 yard touchdown to win the game. Guess how may penalties FSU committed in the game….ZERO!(?) FSU has won 4 of their last 5 and they head to the Swamp for a rivalry game. Bowden is excited about making the trip, but actually thinks he’s heading to Padre Island for a vacation.
Boston College’s Shinskie, Marscovetra, Pantale, and Penislikeapepsican (okay I made that one up) thought they could get by on their name only. Little did they know they would have to play in the loss to UNC. BC had a slim chance to play in the ACC Championship if they could get a win against UNC, AT HOME, but they forgot that UNC fielded a defense that can win games by itself. Dave Shinskie does his best Ray Charles at quarterback impersonation and throws the ball into sextuple coverage 28 times resulting in 4 picks…damn, that’s 14% of your passes being picked off son. Maybe you should pick up playing a piano as a hobby.
Big East
Best Showing: University of Connecticut
Worst Showing: Rutgers
Before this game Connecticut sat at 4-5 ….with the five losses coming by a total of 15 points. They left the game at Notre Dame 5-5 and put a big smile on the face of college football. I cannot imagine how difficult it would be to lose a teammate and then lose multiple games in a row that you could have won. Randy Edsall was all emotion after the game, telling Jasper Howard that the win was for him. What an exciting game to watch and comment on with fellow posters. Connecticut and Coach Edsall deserve the biggest congratulations ever. Connecticut needs to win their last two games to become bowl eligible and we should all watch as it could come true.
The TBDPITL #24 ranked Rutgers Scarlet Knights loses 13-31 at Syracuse. Sometimes just the box score is good enough, sorry webhole:
Independents/Mid Majors
Best Showing: New Mexico
Worst Showing: Tulane
New Mexico wins their first game of the year against a just as crappy Colorado State team. After starting out with three wins in a row against Colorado, Weber State, and Nevada – Colorado State literally just ‘gives the fuck up’ and loses 8 in a row, the last to New Mexico. I’ve been to Albuquerque and it’s the hottest place on planet earth. The only fun thing to do there is pack the bathtub full of ice and get in to cool off. I can only imagine that New Mexico celebrated by purchasing bags of ice to place on their bodies to try and extend their lives. New Mexico travels to TCU this coming weekend and is being paid in ICEE.
Tulane had 50 total yards of offense in their 49-0 loss on the road at UCF. They gave up 500 total yards of offense to try and even things out a little. After the game the press found out that the Tulane football team decided to write their letters to Santa a little early this year and thought that last weeks practice time for UCF would be the right time. Here’s a little of what they wrote Santa: